Chapter 19
Dahlia: I never consider liking Andres. I know he is hitting on me. I don't really mind. He doesn't make me feel uncomfortabe. I treat him as a close friend.
Now that I think of the possibility of him being my boyfriend, I don't hate the idea. I think it will be fun.
Karen wants me to do it as early as possible. I am busy every day. Every after class, we have MTAP review. I squeeze our weekly meeting for the SSC this week. I meet up with Timothy on Saturday and Sunday as we are working on the experiments for the Investigatory Project. I have math tutoring session every Saturday together with Victoria.
I'm doing additional preparations for the School Fest. I'm also doing advanced studies in preparation for the SATs.
Of course, I have regular classes too. I do projects and assignments in the shortest time possible.
I say goodbye to Victoria after the tutoring session. I treat her some banana skewers, bananacue, before we separate ways.
Timothy is already outside the office waiting for me. If this happenned last school year, I would be over the moon. Right now, I am too busy to feel anything. It feels normal. Maybe because my feelings for him is not as intense as before. I have different priorities now.
I still kind of flirt with him from time to time. Maybe, out of habit. I don't have hopes of getting back together with him. If the opportunity presents itself, I will refuse it. I plan to ran away from here. There's no future for us.
"Hi! Did you miss me?"
See? The dangers of a habit.
He look at me with daggers in his eyes. He rolls his eyes and ignores me.
I laugh, "Let's go inside. What time is the practice presentation?"
"One. Let's polish our presentation."
"Do you want to do the introduction?"
"You have more appeal to the audience, Dahlia. First impression lasts."
"You are more articulate though. I really think you should do it instead. You can be charismatic too. The thing with confidence, the audience don't know if it's real."
"You're doing this to make fun of me. I'm serious to win this competition that's why we should lay our best cards. And you, giving the introduction, are the best choice and the safest."
The practice presentation starts when the science teachers arrive. Everyone says that it is best strategy that I do the introduction. I refuse.
"You still haven't seen Timothy doing it. Decide after you've seen it."
The teachers agree. Timothy grabs me by the arm to the corner before we start to present for the second time.
"Why are you going such length to humiliate me?"
"I am not humiliating you do. I know you can do it."
"You will attract the judges and the audience with your face, first and foremost, and then when you speak your mind...it's end game. You can persuade everyone even when you utter complete nonsense."
"You can attract them with your face too. You are good looking, Timothy."
He stops. His face softens. He blushes.
I blink my eyes as I watch him. He immediately turns his back on me.
"I treat you as my equal. If I can do it, I know that you can do it as well. You need to believe in yourself more."
"You're only saying that because you like me," He says straightforward.
He can only confidently say that to me. I realize it now. He is shy with everyone and a people pleaser. The reason why he easily smile when other people talk to him. Not because he is genuinely happy, but he is shy around them.
But with me, he can be rude, arrogant, and confident...that is his true self. However, I can't be around him forever. We're graduating and I'm going really far away from him. I don't want him to be strive of opportunities just because he doesn't believe in himself.
"I don't like you enough to lie," I smirk, "I'm not doing the introduction even when they force me. You have to do it."
***
Thinking about how to ask Andres out, I think about him a lot than I usually do. I start to notice the things he do. He is clearly flirting with me every time but he never asks me out or like verbally tells me that he likes me. How can I make him my boyfriend?
I have to ask him myself.
I have a free day today after class so Karen and I decides to hang out. Leigh says that she wants to come with us...so Andres decides to come too. He always asks to join though even if it's just me and Karen. We just usually don't allow him sometimes since Karen and I values our alone time together.
Karen and Leigh walks beside each other while Andres and I are walking behind them.
I never notice the things he does for me but now, I am starting to see it.
While walking on the sidewalk, he switches side with me so he is on the outer side of the sidewalk beside where the cars pass by.
We walk inside the crowded wet market because we usually eat our lunch there as it is cheaper. He offers his hand as it is slippery.
He makes sure that I settle on my seat first before he settle on his.
"What do you want to eat?"
I check on the Filipino dishes in front of me. I'm craving pork so I focus on the pork dishes.
"Menudo."
As soon as I answer, he orders for me first then his. He stands up and walk over to the water dispenser. He puts down two glasses of water on my side of the table. He returns to the dispenser and come back with two more.
"Wow, thanks!" Karen says.
I become so focused on Andres that I start to appreciate every thing he does for me.
Every morning, he sits beside me asking me about the things happened after class since I have a lot things that I do after class.
"Sir Lopez didn't even allow me to finish my proposal and he's already against it. No, he doesn't even need to hear it. He would say no in every thing I say. It's useless to talk to the 4th year teachers about the School Fest.
I am so stressed because there's still so few companies who responded and no one has confirmed yet. I ask the other officers to search for more company emails but in the end, I also do that."
He doesn't interrupts me from talking.
"Kirsten is so irritable..." and I go on with my rants about literally everything.
I honestly don't notice how much I open up to him because he doesn't look like he is burdened by my rants...and is always listening attentively.
Now that I see it, I realize that I have been a bad friend to him. I never ask him about his day.
"How about you? What did you do after class?"
He chuckles, he looks taken aback like I say something so unexpected.
"What?" I ask, slightly humiliated.
"It's your first time to ask me that."
Yeah, I already notice. Don't make me feel worse.
"And? Your answer?"
"You're starting to get curious about me. I like that," He puts his hand on the top of my head and he taps it lightly, "Nothing much though. I'm mostly at home playing games while you were so busy doing a lot of things."
Since we discuss in the class about a specific Shakespeare poem and the techniques used, we were asked to create our own version of his sonnet for the assignment.
I can't get off Andres on my mind and the things he do that I overlook stays in my head. I decide to write my thoughts about him into that assignment.
Sir de la Cruz, our English teacher, do not mind our seating arrangement, so during his class, Karen always switch seats with Leigh.
She always tells me stories of her little interactions with Jake. They always talk online via chat. There are always teased in our class' groupchats and even in classroom. Everyone knows that Karen likes Jake.
She is writing her full name on an empty page at the back of her notebook and then she writes Jake's full name too.
Karen Antonio
Jake Maurice Lagdameo
She crosses out all the similar letters in their names. I snatch the notebook and say, "I'll count."
I start counting all the crossed out letters on each names. A total of 8 on Karen's name and 11 for Jake. I total it, it's 19. I write the word, FLAMES, in huge capital letters and start to count.
I write the result beside Karen's name: sweethearts.
We squeal at the same time, and cover our mouths after to conceal it. The class is still on-going. We don't want to get scolded. We look at each other as our eyes sparkle from the concealed happiness.
"I told you. We're meant to be," Karen whispers. She snatches the notebook back, "Let's try you and Andres."
She did it herself.
"Lovers!" Karen giggles.
"Oh, wait, your results are 19 and mine's 20. One of us get the countings wrong."
"Maybe I got yours wrong," Karen answers as if sure that her results with Jake is the right one. She change my results to friends.
I recount it and turns out...I count Jake and hers wrong. Karen looks angry at me and sad at the same. Their result turns out to be friends only.
"Let's try the other way of counting," I suggest to console her.
I count it forward then backwards and the result is even worse. I bite my lower lip and refuse to write the results. My pen points the letter A in FLAMES, equivalent for Anger.
"That's not accurate, Karen. Don't mind it."
Her mood remains sour. Sir de la Cruz asks everyone to read their poems. He asks who wants to volunteer to go first and when no one raises their hands, "Dahlia, go first."
I read my poem.
Brandon: It's like a love letter.
"Dahlia's in love," Leigh utters.
Our classmates speculate who it might be about and they end up believing that it's about Andres.
If she really is, why now? Why only now?
Dahlia: I am avoiding Brandon as much as I can. He still insists on taking me home so Karen decides to also wait for me. That way, people won't think that we're in a relationship.
However, some of our classmates still thinks so. Everyone in the classroom knows that Brandon and Camille had broken up. People starts to take sides between me and Camille.
Her friends will often make remarks for me to hear, "If she's not dating him, he's giving him false hopes that's why he broke up with Camille."
"She just wants all the boys to line up to court her but she will never date them."
"Because it means she will lose everyone of them. She likes the attention they give."
"Attention seeker."
Camille only smile when they say that.
I do not care. I know myself more than anyone. What hurts me is that Camille and I are friends. We fall apart because of this.
We have a short meeting with SSC officers for the School Fest then after that I'm going to go the MTAP review.
Karen and I rushes to pack our things.
Andres approaches me as I put things on my bag. "Can I wait for you to finish your MTAP review later?"
"Huh?" It takes me a few seconds to process his question because I only expects him to say goodbye.
Karen is already waiting for me at the back door as she listens.
"Just go to the SSC office, Andres," she answers in my stead, "Let's go Dahlia."
I zipped my bag and put it on my shoulder. We really have limited time. We're competing for regional MTAP on the third week of September, that's why Ms. Martinez doesn't allow us to be late anymore.
"Let's talk later."
While we're walking fast, Karen feeds me information.
"Jake told me that Andres is threatened. He knows Brandon has a huge crush on you. He yields all these years for B and now he's going all out. He's scared that Brandon will now make a move on you because he broke up with Camille. I think you don't need to lift a finger. It is bound to happen."
It's just a brief meeting. I can't focus though. Andres and Brandon waits outside the office.
"Kuya Brandon's presence is already a blessing itself and now, Andres is here too. Ang gwapo!"
"Amoy Johnson's baby powder! Even when I can't smell Andres from here."
My officers can't focus as well.
"Why is he here?" Victoria asks.
"Guess," Karen smirks as she look at me.
Monique and Bryan scream.
"I only read things like this in fictional books, ate!"
"They are fighting over you?"
Hinampas ko si Karen. We're making efforts to correct the rumors but she's purposely feeding them.
"Brandon is a close friend."
Monique and Bryan simultaneously nod their heads, "How about Andres?"
I pause. It sounds so awkward to confirm or deny something I'm not sure of. He is not courting me...and technically, I will be the one asking him to be my boyfriend.
They take my silence as a confirmation though. They both giggle. Victoria laughs as well. Bryan and Tristan smile like they are also enjoying this.
"Couple of the year," Bryan remarks.
My cheeks heat profusely. I clasp my hands, "Let's not talk about boyfriend."
"Boyfriend?" Monique squeals, "Is he your boyfriend already, ate Dahlia?"
I swear I look like cherry tomato right now. I think about asking Andres to be my boyfriend that it messes with my thoughts.
Karen is having the best time of her life seeing me so flustered.
I put my palm on my face to hide how it's so red right now.
They laugh altogether.
"Monique's asking if you're dating him," Karen probes.
"Hindi pa!" I raise my voice, irritated.
I hear Karen's roar of laughter, Monique's squeal, and the others' chuckle.
"Pa?! So there's a chance?"
This is not ending.
We finish our meeting after an hour.
Karen hangs out with Brandon and Andres as I proceed to the review. It's a weird feeling that three people are waiting for you. It's like they're wasting their precious time just to wait for me. I feel like a burden.
"Where are you resided, Andres?" Karen asks as we walk to the Jeepney Terminal.
"San Roque."
"You're just near our school then," Karen remarks.
"It's so far from Malanday," I exclaim.
It's near SEHS but it is out of the way. Karen, Brandon, and I lives in Malanday. Brandon lives in Sta. Teresita, a village in front of ours. A couple of walks away is Sampaguita Village where Karen resides. It's walking distance but quiet far.
"You don't have to take me home. Maybe, you can just walk me to the Jeepney terminal then go home," I provide a solution that could work for both of us. He can somehow take me home but also he can go home in a reasonable time. The idea and the thought ist here but he will not spend more money for the transportation fare.
I am struggling with money right now. I don't want other people to struggle the same way because of me.
"But why Brandon can?"
"True!" Karen even fuels the fire.
I sigh, "I don't want to be a hassle. It's out of the way."
"I don't mind," He answers with determined eyes. I look at him, concern of his safety and financial capability. We're both high school students, we're both living through our weekly allowance so I know that it would be so expensive to go back and forth.
"You can take me home when it's still early. By the time you go home, it will be close to midnight."
"Then let's ride a tric. I'll ask the driver to wait for me so I can ride the same tricycle going home...so you wouldn't worry for me."
I resign. It doesn't look like he would give this up, and if I prolong this, the later he'll be home. It's not safe.
Instead of taking the jeepney going home, we walk to the tricycle terminal near the Marikina Clock Fountain and the stoplight.
"We will not fit," I tell Karen.
"Don't worry, we can ride the next tric, right, Brandon?"
Karen pulls Brandon before he can even protest.
Brandon: I didn't even get the chance to voice out any complain, Karen drag me to the next tric. She tells the driver Dahlia's address first. We are both quiet after that.
When the tric turns in Sto. Nino Elementary School, she starts to speak.
"Is something happening to Dahlia at home?" She asks using a serious, low tone I have never heard her use. It sounds nothing like the jolly Karen I know, "What do you know?"
I am shock that she notice that. If there's enough light, Karen would see my reaction. I remain mum.
"Dahlia would never hurt a friend so I know she's not entertaining your feelings as it would hurt Camille. And," She pause, "You're the torpe type, Brandon. I will even put head at stake, I'm 100% sure that you will never confess that you still like her...even now that you broke up with Camille. What more when you are still in a relationship? Hm?
So that secret that you can't tell Camille is far from being related to cheating with Dahlia, but..." She pauses to show emphasis to what she is about to say next, "it is something that you cannot just tell anyone. What is it? What did you discover?"
I stay silent. She knows, she grasps the whole situation...even without the proper context. She only needs confirmation from me. She asks the right question and states all her guesses...but she doesn't even need my clear answer. She's reading my expressions and my actions. That's the answer she needs. How can I hide from her?
"When you were so angry at her, you saw her face behind the mask first. I saw that, is her father hurting her?"
Does Dahlia tells her everything? I doubt. She wouldn't be asking me these if she told her...but she knows.
Karen's attention to details is scary.
I swallow hard. I will not budge even when everything she says is right.
"I'm worried. I know about it. I'm with her for years, and I know her...however I want her to open up to me on her free will. I don't want her to feel that it is her responsibility to tell me anything."
Karen is million miles ahead of me in terms of being receptive. If I didn't find Dahlia that summer, I would never know. That's how good Dahlia hides her pain. She's a great pretender.
"She didn't tell me anything, Karen. I just accidentally find out and I happen to help her."
Since she tells me that she wants Dahlia to open up, I don't want her to think that Dahlia opens up to me instead of opening to her best friend. I don't want to taint their friendship.
"Is she in danger?"
"She's okay. That's why I insist on her taking her home to keep her safe."
She sighs, "Dahlia cares for you, Brandon. Now that you told me that you kind of help her, I think she feels indebted to you. However, it's best you stop. She already has a lot to think about, we don't want to add to her burdens.
I'll do what you are doing instead...or Andres will. You don't have to worry."
I hate it. Andres stepping forward, Andres continuously pursuing Dahlia...I hate it. I hate that Karen is right. I do not have the guts to actually confess. I hate myself that even when I used to like Camille, I like her more. It is always different around her. Even when I like someone else, I don't think there is someone that could even reach the part of my heart where I put Dahlia...it's like pedestal inside a barrier that no one can ever enter.
I can't even remove her from there. I don't know how it happens but it does...and now I don't know how to live with the fact the no one would ever come close to how much I like her.
However, there's always a strong force stomping on my chance to come near her.
I dreamt of having my chance to court her...or just to let her know my mere existence. Now my dreams come true but I cannot pursue her. Doing so will only prove the rumors about us. It is not even true, it is not fully a lie either. Only for me.
Because, emotionally, I am cheating on Camille. I hate myself. I feel horrible. I feel disgusted.
Maybe Karen is right, I should stop complicating Dahlia's life.
My gut and my heart feels like being punched. I'm hurting.
Dahlia: Andres pays for the tricycle fare. I refuse but he refuses and return the money I give him. Honestly, I am grateful. My father is not putting money on my bank account where I get my allowance.
It was the first and last time Andres take me home.
Something in him changes. I focus too much on him to notice even the littlest changes. He stops sitting beside me every morning. He seems to distance himself from me.
Have I never approached him? Was he always the one initiating the conversation?
I glances his way, where he is seated, and watching him like a puzzle I'm trying to solve. It bothers me. What went wrong?
"Did you and Andres fight?" Karen asks as we go for a brief meeting to SSC office.
Brandon stops insisting on taking me home. I think Karen talk him to it but she's denying it.
Instead, she's the one taking me home for more than a week now.
"The rumors already died down. I don't think we still need to do something about it. In that case, I don't have to ask Andres to be my boyfriend."
After rumors about Andres taking me home surfaces, the air shifts. Everyone seems to forget about me and Brandon. They also suddenly become kind to me like their usual selves.
"Yeah, I think so, but you didn't answer my question, Dahlia."
"I don't know," I answers and heavily release a deep breath. I tell her what I notice.
She shakes her head after I tell her my side of the story.
"What do you think?" I mutters as if I am so confident that she knows the answer. Karen knows people's feelings more than I do. I usually entrusts these things to her.
And she shakes her as fast as possible, her mouth ajar and say, "I don't know either. Based on your story, nothing went wrong. So what went wrong?"
I put my arm on her waist to be close to her as we walk. I feel like knowing that someone is as dumb as I am on this thing kind of comforts me. At least I'm not the only one.
It's not only me who noticed it. Ian and Adrian start to tease Andres about it.
Mrs. Gonzales, our adviser, tells us about the Milo Olympics that will happen next week, first week of September during her MAPEH class.
"Dahlia and Andres, the teachers want you to represent our school for the Mr & Ms. Milo Olympics."
Our classmates start to yell and tease us. Instead of giving them any reaction to it, I watch Andres and waiting how would he react. He smiles but it is different to the smile that he always do whenever our classmates tease us. It's like he is awkward about it now. It's like he doesn't want it. It's like a smile that he is shy to make them stop so he just go along with it. That's how I see it.
There's a stabbing pain on my chest. How mean!
"Ma'am G, mukhang ayaw naman yata ni Andres!" Adrian complains, he then crane his neck at the back on our side and adds, "Si Brandon na lang!"
Brandon raises his middle finger towards Adrian who just laugh it out.
"LQ yata kasi sila," Ian announces without filter.
LQ means Lover's Quarrel. They thought that Andres and I had a fight. If that's true, it's a fight I don't even know.
"Ah," Mrs. Gonzales nods playfully, "Okay, Brandon, do you want to sub then?"
Adrian is the first one to cheer. Karen immediately looks at Brandon and glares at him. It's like she's telling him that she works so hard to let the rumor die, and he should make effort to cooperate.
There's a pause. It's dead silent. Eyes on Brandon. He didn't speak for so long than necessary. Is he seriously considering it?
Brandon: The first word that comes to mind when Mrs. Gonzales asks me...is yes.
However, in those seconds, I hesitate. I overthink the whole situation. I don't want to burden Dahlia with rumors of cheating. If I say yes, it would mean that I indirectly announce my desire to be with Dahlia. I know our classmates would think that.
They're right though. I want to finally get my chance. I want to...but I can't...I'm not brave enough to do it.
Before I can even speak up, Karen raises her hand.
Dahlia: Karen speaks as she raises her hand to get Mrs. Gonzales' attention.
"Andres didn't say no, Ma'am G," she insinuates.
Mrs. Gonzales then ask Andres, "Do you want to do it?"
"Okay lang po."
Okay lang? Lang? Really? Is he serious? He sounds like he's forced to do this. I never feel this irritated over trivial thing like this in my entire life.
I regulate my breathing. I mentally count 1-100 to stop myself from lashing out or even show a faint anger on my voice.
I stand up and go in front to personally talk to our adviser that I can't do it.
"Why?"
"September's pretty hectic, ma'am. Timothy and I are preparing for Science Investigatory Project."
"When is that?"
"Second week."
"It's still on second week, Milo Olympics is on the first week."
"I don't think I can skip MTAP review to prepare for the Milo Olympics, ma'am. Since it's our first time reaching regionals, Ms. Martinez is pretty strict about schedules. I also have to train for regional journalism. On top of that, I have SSC duties as well."
Honestly? I can still squeeze Milo Olympics on that hectic schedule...but I don't want to do it. If Andres' avoiding me then I'm avoiding him too.
Camille represents the school for Milo Olympics with Andres.
Now, my head aches even more.
"I just heard about it. Andres used to date Camille," Karen whispers as we are watching the Ms. & Mr. Milo Olympics parade on the track field.
We're seating on the bleachers in Marikina Sports Center together with our classmates, batchmates, and other year levels. My classmates cheer for Andres and Camille while I let that fact sink in my head.
Andres used to date Camille. I'm feeling something I can't explain but what I'm sure is knowing that makes me feel worse.