Zac took my hand and led me through the crowd of dancing people towards the exit. I could feel Eric watching us, but I tried to ignore the feeling as best as I could.
I knew that I was acting rash, stupid even, but I was desperate for a distraction.
And at that point, I was so desperate that I didn't even care if the distraction was in the form of someone who once upon a time tried to drug me.
The walk to Zac's room was darker and scarier than any other walk I'd ever been on in dauntless. He held on limply to my hand as if to say that he could care less whether or not I was there.
When we got to his door, is when the gravity of the situation hit me. I took a look down the halls as he fiddled with his keys and saw that there was no one else around, no witnesses, no anyone. It was just a bad situation all over, that became very apparent to me in that moment, still, I stayed.
Zac seemed to be a little out of it, because it took him a while to open the door, but once he did, he put his hand on my lower back and gave me a push inside. He slammed the door behind us and then locked it, the clicking sound harsh enough to send chills down my spine.
"Finally alone," he chuckled, brushing past me to his kitchen.
I nodded slowly and just stood by the door, watching him.
"It's Alana, right?" He asked, taking two glasses from the cupboard.
I sighed and walked over to sit at the kitchen island. "Yeah, it's Alana."
"Do you want a drink?"
"No," I answered quickly. At least I was taking some sort of safety precaution.
Zac nodded but looked a little disappointed. I didn't spend too long investigating why.
He talked for a little bit about how much he hated his job and then we moved to his couch to watch a movie.
I sat next to him and it was mere seconds before I felt his cold palm on my leg, then his fingertips on my inner thigh. It felt invasive and disgusting and nothing like how it ever felt when Eric touched me.
I had to stop comparing them though. Eric didn't want me, Eric didn't care about me.
"Let's go to my bedroom," Zac suggested.
I took a deep breath before following him once again as he led the way. My stomach was doing flips and my hands felt like they were trembling. It took my mind off of Eric though, and that was enough to make me keep following him.
Once in his bedroom, Zac pinned me against the wall, and almost instantaneously his lips were latched on to my neck.
His hands dominated my hips and pressed them firmly against the wall. It was extremely uncomfortable, so I took a step off the wall and allowed myself to be led by him to the bed.
I got on slowly after Zac and was surprised how he could even sleep on something so uncomfortable. Once again, nothing like Eric's.
As I tried to get halfway comfortable, Zac grabbed my face in his hands roughly and kissed me hard. His mouth tasted like poison and steel, kind of like how I would imagine anguish to taste.
He hovered over me on the bed and broke the kiss, his alcoholic breaths seeming to linger in the air between us.
Slowly, his hand moved to the hem of my dress, and then lifted it off and over my head. It felt like my skin was being bitten by the bare air, and Zac paid no attention. He quickly took off his own clothes and then shoved my shoulders back so that I was lying down in the bed.
He looked at me for maybe a half a second before directing his eyes elsewhere and all I could think about was how his eyes weren't the color of Eric's.
I tried to shake those thoughts out of my head, and Zac's mouth was once again on my neck. His tongue was like a razor blade against my skin, but I just closed my eyes and tried to ignore how horrible it felt.
I needed to do this, or I would always be just Eric's.
Zac moved quickly and all of a sudden, I felt his hands on the waistband of my underwear.
"Wait," I breathed out, drawing him to a halt.
"For what?"
"I just- I don't know if I can do this."
Zac chuckled lowly before he shook his head. "You can and you will."
He began to pull my underwear down, but I held onto his wrist in an attempt to stop him. "Please stop," I whispered.
"Stop being a tease," he demanded, "you and I are both here for one reason."
I moved away from him on the bed, my eyes scanning the room trying to see where he'd placed my dress. "I'm not trying to tease you, I just can't do this. I'm sorry."
I spotted my dress on the floor, and tried to get up, only to be pinned down. Zac was on top of me, with his knees on either side of my hips, and his hands pressing my wrists against the mattress.
"Let me go," I pleaded.
"You know it's girls like you that are the reason date rape drugs exist," he laughed, squeezing my wrists tighter.
My throat went dry and millions of thoughts sped through my mind as I tried to think of a way out of this.
I should've never gotten into this...
"They'll kick you out of dauntless," I said, trying to sway him.
"You just passed initiation, my word means more than yours does," he smirked, "but don't worry, it'll only hurt if you struggle against it."
I wriggled under his weight and grip, trying to escape, but I wasn't much of a match.
"Stop," he growled.
His hand moved to wrap around the back of my neck, his thumb brushing along under my jaw. "You don't want me to make this hurt do you?"
I felt the tears springing in my eyes so I blinked them away and shook my head.
"Then stop trying to move."
Once again, Zac's mouth was against my neck, this time nipping at my skin.
I closed my eyes and tried to think about all of the fight training I had with Eric. I was scared to know what would happen if trying to escape ended up being a failed attempt, but I had to try.
Once Zac's grip on my wrists had lessened, I took the opportunity to knee him in the groin, and push his body off of me. I grabbed my dress off of the floor while a slew of curse words left his mouth from where he lay.
Making my way through his living room, and past his kitchen was all a blur to be quite honest. I only really remember once I was outside of his apartment.
I quickly slipped on my dress, not wanting to walk through the halls of dauntless half naked.
I walked quickly down the hall, a little scared that Zac would follow me, but he didn't. I couldn't even really believe that what had just happened was real, or that I was stupid enough to let it happen.
No matter what, it felt like I would always be Eric's. He was never mine but I would always be his. He had so much control over me still, even now, after everything that happened.
It wasn't like Zac was in any way boyfriend material, but I wondered if I would ever be able to be with another guy again. I honestly didn't even want to, I only wanted to be with Eric and that was the worst.
My eyes began watering again as I thought of Eric, and it felt like I was on the verge of a breakdown for the first time in a long time.
I turned the corner that was at the end of Zac's hall and as I did so, I was pushed against the wall with bruising force.
My vision went a little blurry but once it cleared, I saw stern, worry-stricken blue eyes glaring down at me.
Eric.
"Did you fuck him?"
"What?" I asked.
Eric's eyes fell to the spot on my neck where Zac practically attacked and what looked to be hurt flashed across Eric's face. Eric didn't have feelings though, not for me anyway.
"Tell me you didn't fuck him," he ordered.
I opened my mouth to speak but no sound came out. This was the first time that he'd even talked to me since everything went wrong and it caught me off guard.
"How could you be so fucking stupid?" He spat, taking a step closer to me.
I shook my head and put my hands to his chest to push him away. It was just like him to jump to conclusions without me even saying anything.
"I'm not stupid," I whispered, putting my head down.
Eric reached out and ran his fingers along the spot on my neck. It felt sore to his touch and I winced as soon as he made contact with my skin.
He let out a deep breath and dropped his hand from my neck.
"I didn't sleep with him," I said softly. I didn't owe Eric answers about anything that was going on in my life, but I felt like I did for some reason. I still cared about what he thought of me.
He momentarily looked relieved before his eyes darkened and he went storming down the hall. The warmth that his body brought left with him and I stood there cold, vulnerable, and alone.
There wasn't much I could do but watch him walk away, so that's what I did. After he was out of sight, but very much still in mind, I cried again. Hard.
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By the time it was morning, I still hadn't gone to sleep. I tried to, but thoughts of Eric continued to plague my mind. I should've never come back, I should've just stayed at the fence where I was away from him.
After taking a shower and getting ready, I left to go and try to find Beast. Caterina was still out somewhere from the previous night, and visitors weren't necessarily welcome in the control room where Rocco and Sasha worked, so the tattoo shop seemed like a pretty good option.
I was walking through the pit on the way there, when a couple of young teenagers pushed past me on the way to somewhere. The force sent my body stumbling a little, but I managed to keep my balance.
All of a sudden though, I was nudged out of the way by another person and then shoved to the ground by another.
I faintly remember falling to the ground, and my head slamming against the concrete floor before everything blacked out.
When I opened my eyes, I saw a group of people staring down at me and fluorescent lights shining above them. There was a pounding in my head, and a feeling of dizziness, but I quickly sat up to find that I was in the infirmary.
I blinked a few times to clear my vision and was able to make out the faces that were surrounding me. Max, Eric, a leader whose name I never bothered to figure out, and a few nurses all watched me closely.
"How are you feeling?" One of the nurses asked.
"Not great."
"Do you remember what happened?" Max asked.
"I remember walking through the pit and then falling down, but nothing after that," I explained.
Max nodded and the nameless leader next to him whispered something that I couldn't hear to him and Eric.
"Do you feel dizzy?" The nurse asked, snapping my attention to her.
"Yeah, but only a little bit."
"Ok," she said, glancing down at her clipboard. "So you've got a concussion, which is good considering how hard your head hit the ground back there."
"A concussion?" I asked.
"Yep," she replied, "Now unfortunately you aren't able to stay here in the infirmary until your better since it could be a matter of weeks."
"Alright," I said, "I don't feel that bad anyways."
I tried to stand up out of the infirmary bed, but stumbled and had to hold on to it in order to gain my balance.
"You're going to need someone to watch over you for at least the next 24 hours," the other nurse piped in, "do you have someone that's able to do that?"
Sasha, Rocco, and Beast were all working, Caterina was MIA and I had no idea how to get in contact with Fallon from the fence to ask her, so I didn't really have anyone.
"I'll have to ask, but I'm sure-"
"Eric, take Alana back to her room and stay with her until we can get someone to watch her," Max interrupted, looking to Eric.
"That's alright, Max," I said softly, "I can handle it."
"We don't need you slipping into a coma. We'll get someone to replace Eric as soon as we can. Is there someone you want us to ask?"
"He might be busy, but can you ask Beast?"
"No," Eric interrupted, "not Beast."
Max gave Eric a questioning look before turning to the other leader next to him. "Let's go finish the reports and interview the kids that pushed her," Max said to him.
The nurses, Eric and I all watched the two leaders leave and were left in an uncomfortable silence.
I looked up at Eric to see him looking down at me with a frustrated expression.
"Let's go," Eric mumbled.
I gulped and followed him out of the infirmary, thanking the nurses before we left.
Eric walked with his arms crossed over his chest, and at a notable distance ahead of me, like he was scared to get too close.
As we approached the set of stairs, I began feeling really dizzy again, and had trouble taking the first few steps. I wanted and needed a railing, and Eric seemed to notice this.
He watched me struggle with taking another step from where he was a few stairs ahead of me, then let out a deep sigh.
He walked to where I was, and swiftly picked me up bridal style.
"Thanks," I said softly.
"It's my job right now."
His words triggered a pang of hurt in my chest, but I remained quiet as he held me.
Once we reached my apartment, Eric set me down carefully and waited for me to get out my key and open the door.
As I unlocked it, I turned to him. "How did you know where my room was?"
"I think you should lay down," he said, opening the door and stepping inside.
He walked over to the living room and stood with his arms crossed, not wanting to sit down I guess.
It was incredibly awkward with him there, but I laid down on the couch and closed my eyes.
"Alana," Eric said worriedly.
"What?"
"Don't fall asleep, you could put yourself in a coma."
"You're the one that told me to lay down," I told him.
"Yeah but not to fall asleep."
I rolled my eyes and sat up on the couch, propping my feet on the coffee table. There was a lot that I felt like needed to be said to him but we were talking about sleeping.
I sighed and looked up at him to find that he was watching me intently.
"You can just leave," I whispered, "I'll be fine here."
"I'm not leaving you."
"It's not like it would be the first time," I mumbled.
Eric didn't say anything, but moved to sit next to me on the couch. I could feel his eyes on my but I kept my attention on the coffee table in front of me.
I felt him move closer to me before he turned my face to look at him.
"I never wanted to hurt you," he insisted, "that was never my intention."
"It's not your fault."
"Yes it is, I-"
"No. I should've never given you the ability to hurt me. You were right, I knew how it would end and I still fell for it all."
Eric shifted uncomfortably and ran his hands over his face before propping his elbows on his knees. "I don't expect you to understand, but I only did it because what was happening between us...scared me."
He wasn't looking at me, but I could tell he was trying not to. Why would that have ever scared him? What did I ever do that posed a threat?
"You're right," I said, "I don't understand."
Eric sighed and finally turned to look at me. "I just mean that you've had a weird effect on me," he said quietly, his eyes dancing over my face, probably trying to figure out what I was thinking, "and it goes against everything that I thought I was. Everything that I'd built in dauntless."
My face twisted into a puzzled expression. That made no more sense to me than what he said before. If anything that made it worse, knowing that he might of actually felt something for me but then willingly destroyed it.
"I don't really know what to say," I told him.
"I don't expect you to say anything," he said quietly. His head was down and for once he looked like he had his guard down.
I moved closer to him and put my hand on his back. "Eric-"
"I'm not a good guy," he said quickly, "I have a lot of problems that you can't fix," he continued.
"When have I ever tried to fix you?" I asked, taken aback, "never. I never have. I wanted you, how you were."
Eric looked to me with a blank expression. "Wanted," he repeated, "past tense."
"Yeah," I lied, moving away from him on the couch. Of course I still wanted him but I wouldn't be able to handle it if he broke my heart again. It felt like I barely survived the first time.
We sat there together in silence for however long, until the front door was swung open and in walked Beast.
"You can leave now," he said, glaring.
Eric didn't glare back, but glanced at him with a look that would've sent anyone else sprinting away, before he turned to me.
He stood up from the couch and then leaned down to kiss my forehead softly. "I'll see you later, Alana," he said quietly so only I could hear.
Although the feeling of his lips against my skin lingered, Eric left quickly, bumping shoulders with Beast as he did so.
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A/N: I am so so so sorry that this took so long and that it is not anywhere near the quality it should be for taking the amount of time it did. I'll try to be better with updates, thank you all for being so patient with me and my inconsistency <3