Trigger warning - mention of self harm
It was Wednesday, the day before Thanksgiving. We'd been here for 3 nights now. Marissa is leaving this morning to spend the actual day with her family. I'm actually feeling somewhat sad that she's going, I really like Marissa. And I doubt I'd see her again for years, if not ever.
After her weirdly seeing through all my defences and somehow knowing about me cutting without even seeing them (weird as hell I know but I guess she spotted the signs?!) and me breaking down into tears on her on the first night, I assumed it would be awkward between us two. But I was totally wrong. I think I've gotten on better with her than Dallas, Demi and Madison so far. She just gets me like no one else ever has.
I haven't had another deep conversation with her but last night when we were watching the horror movie 'Mama' we did talk briefly. Demi and Maddie fell asleep, I really don't know how because Mar and I were huddled up together shaking because it was so freaking terrifying. When the credits started to roll Mar turned to me.
"Fucking stupid horror movies!" She sighed, wiping her forehead where she was actually perspiring from the tension and stress! I chuckled lightly. "So how you holding up?" She whispered, looking into my eyes.
I shrugged. I guess I'm still cutting, less so since being here but I'm still doing it.
"Aw baby girl," she hugged me tightly. I loved it when she called me 'baby girl'. She was the only one who'd ever called me that and it made me feel so wanted. "I'll give you my number so you can text or call whenever. Like when you feel like er-doing it just give me a call, yeh? You're worth so much more than hurting yourself. I wish you could see that." She kissed the top of my head as I snugged into her embrace. I honestly don't remember a time when I've felt so loved.
~~~
"Wake up lazy shitheads!" What a pleasant awakening. I groaned loudly, turning over so my face was in my pillow. I was tired! I didn't sleep until like 4am because of that frickin horror movie. I honestly thought that mama was in Maddie's wardrobe... call me a wimp but if you've seen that movie it's bloody terrifying- I swear! "Saskia Jackson, I thought Maddie was a bad teenager until I met you!" Demi's voice laughed, pulling off Maddie and I's duvet (yes I'm still sharing a bed with her.)
I know Demi was joking but what she just said gave me a sudden urge to cut. My mind I guess just heard 'bad teenager' and then twisted it into all kind of insults- which were now consuming my thoughts. 'Useless', 'waste of space' and 'burden' were some of the words I was now using to describe myself. And they were spinning around my head, getting louder and-
"ARGHH!" I screamed as I was suddenly soaked. I sat up, glaring at Demi who was holding a (now empty) glass. Now I was tired, upset (because Marissa is leaving), triggered and now very pissed off. Yes Demi is my (half?!) aunt. Let's stick with aunt because the half business is confusing. But I've know her for what?! Hardly 3 days and she just covered me in freezing cold water at an ungodly hour in the morning. She's like a bloody 4 year old. That's like going up to a stranger in the street you've acknowledged a few times and pouring water over their head. You just wouldn't do that?! So why did she do it to me?!
"Thanks for that." I hissed sarcastically.
"Ooooo feisty one aren't we?" She smirked. I saw red.
"You're a fucking bitch, you know that right?!" I screamed, getting off the bed and wringing out my pyjama top. The cream carpet turned a disgusting mouldy brown colour as it got sprayed with water. "I don't know you and God forbid I don't want to be in this stinking posh house with all you freaks who I'm supposedly related to who think they know me. You don't know me. And actually I don't see why you would like to know me. Because I'm a fuck up! Yes, I'm not a successful actress or singer. I'm worthless and hopeless at everything. So quit pretending to like me! I can see you're all lying! I don't blame you for lying but just leave me alone! Because I don't want you and you definitely don't want me around!"
I collapsed to the floor, tears soaking my already soaked pyjamas. I hate myself and I just wanted to die.