9. Rockin' the Boat
In which the quest begins...
"Chris?"
"Mmmf?"
"Chris!"
Chris struggled into wakefulness to find Darren sitting up in bed, wide-eyed.
"What's wrong?"
"I think I just saw a ghost."
"Hmm... I never thought about writing ghosts into The Land of Stories, but I suppose there could be some. What did it look like?"
"NeNe Leakes. Except kinda transparent."
"Cool. What was she wearing?"
Darren smacked him with one of the half-empty feather pillows left over from their battle the night before. "I tell you I saw a ghost, and that's where your mind goes?"
Chris giggled. "No. I'm just trying to figure out whether it was NeNe, maybe halfway between here and our world, so she looked like a ghost, or whether it was Coach Roz, in which case she might actually be a ghost in this world."
"Oh. Well, she was wearing a fancy gown, like a Disney princess. So I think she belongs here."
"What did she do?"
"She just pointed that way," Darren said, gesturing toward the window where the sun was beginning to rise. "And then she disappeared."
"Huh. I wish I'd seen her. But since she's gone now, let's go back to sleep."
"I don't know if I can."
"Well, how about you just spoon me while I get back to sleep?"
"That I can do."
...
The two were awakened a couple of hours later by the breakfast gong. As they pulled on the same clothes for the third straight day, Chris said, "I'm going to ask Red about finding us something else to wear."
"Good idea."
They hurried down to the breakfast room, where the others were already gathered.
"I see you survived the night," Kurt said, with one eyebrow raised.
Blaine snickered, obviously in on the joke.
Froggy simply looked at them questioningly, but Rachel chose to take offense. "I'll have you know that this castle is the safest place in my kingdom, and my kingdom is the safest place in the land. Haven't you seen the thirty-foot high wall that surrounds it?"
"Yes," Kurt said, adding under his breath, "I've seen it and I've scaled it."
"Is this castle by any chance haunted?" Darren asked.
"Of course not!" Rachel snapped. "No one has ever died in it."
The look she gave Kurt, however, suggested that she might like to alter that fact.
Chris decided that a change of subject was in order. "Queen Red, since you have such an extensive and beautiful wardrobe yourself, Darren and I were wondering whether you might be able to help us find a few more things to wear. We arrived here somewhat unexpectedly, and we only have the clothes on our backs."
"Oh my," Rachel squealed, clearly delighted with the prospect. "I'd love to! My royal tailor will fix you right up. And we must all be fitted for warm coats, as well. The northern mountains, where the Snow Queen lives, are bitterly cold, even at this time of year."
"Thanks, Red. That's very generous of you," Darren said.
"Oh, it's no trouble at all. I've been saving the Big Bad Wolf's pelt all these years, and it will be just the thing for our coats. Oh my — you wouldn't believe what soft, thick fur he had..."
...
Once the somewhat awkward breakfast was over, Rachel introduced Chris and Darren to her royal tailor, who took their measurements and promised that his staff would have several new outfits ready for each of them by that evening.
"Wow — talk about efficiency," Darren said to Chris. "The people in wardrobe could sure use a staff like that."
Chris glanced anxiously over his shoulder.
"What's wrong?" Darren asked.
Chris laughed nervously. "I guess I've just got a superstitious dread of the Glee wardrobe department. I never want to piss them off, for fear that they'll put Kurt in even tighter pants. Did you ever wonder why I'm able to hit such high notes? It's 'cause they've got my balls shoved up into my diaphragm."
Darren snorted.
"Hey! It's not funny. You should try dancing in some of those outfits they put me in. I can barely breathe, let alone move."
"Baby, I've seen you dance, and if you were moving any better I think the cameras would explode. If those clothes wardrobe puts you in are restraining you in any way, I'm sure it's only in the interest of public safety."
Chris rolled his eyes, but inside he was pleased by the compliment.
Rachel cleared her throat. "If you'd like, I can have the clothes you've been wearing cleaned and pressed for you. I've got some spare robes you can borrow in the meantime."
"That would be awesome. Thanks!" Darren said.
"And if you'd like to get yourselves cleaned up, the royal baths are down this hall, turn right, down that hall, and then third door on your left."
"That sounds heavenly," Chris said. "Thanks, Queen Red."
Chris and Darren changed into the robes Rachel provided, and wandered down the hall in search of the baths. The royal bath room, when they found it, was nothing like what Chris had imagined. It was a large, open space, with a dozen huge, claw-footed tubs scattered around it.
Each tub had its own privacy curtain in the form of a tapestry woven with an image of Queen Red as a child, wearing her trademark hooded cape. When Chris stretched out a tapestry to surround one of the tubs, he found that the picture became a mural depicting the entire fairy tale, complete with the Big Bad Wolf wearing her grandmother's nightgown.
Darren burst out laughing. "I don't even know what to say."
Chris filled his tub with steaming water from one of the many cauldrons set over the coals of the fire pit that lined three sides of the room. He selected some lavender bath salts, soap, and shampoo from the shelves along the fourth wall. He also gathered a couple of fluffy towels and placed them on the stool next to his tub. Then he closed his privacy curtain and stepped out of his robe and into the bath.
A moment later, the curtain opened and Darren stepped through, loosening the tie of his own robe.
"What're you doing?" Chris asked, half-amused.
"I figured we should conserve water by bathing together."
"What happened to keeping things platonic until the curse is lifted?"
"This can be a platonic bath."
"Darren, grown men do not take platonic baths together."
"Hmm... And I see how much you've grown..." Darren smirked, with a significant look at where the water was doing nothing to hide Chris's obvious reaction to the sight of him standing there with his robe hanging open.
Chris splashed him. "Out!"
"Okay, okay," Darren said, laughing, as he backed away. "But you're gonna owe me a whole lot of firsts once this curse is over."
"Be careful what you wish for, honey," Chris teased. "You have no idea what you're getting yourself into."
"You, I hope," Darren teased back.
Chris splashed him again. "Just go — before we end up doing something we won't be awake to regret."
...
Miraculously, by the time they finished dinner that evening, everything was ready for their journey. The clothes — including six new fur coats — had been made, the provisions had been gathered and loaded onto the ship, and everything was in place for their departure.
They had decided that it would be best to travel at night, so as to attract as little attention as possible. As Chris, Darren, Kurt, Blaine, Rachel, and Froggy walked out into the courtyard, an amazing sight greeted them. There, illuminated by torchlight from below and a full moon from above, was a modest wooden boat, suspended from an enormous hot air balloon. Red's grandmother and her helpers had obviously used every scrap of fabric they could get their hands on, so the balloon was a crazy-quilt of rainbow colors.
The travelers walked up the short gangplank two by two. Kurt and Blaine went first, with Chris and Darren following close behind.
Staring upward at the rainbow balloon with undisguised delight, Darren said, "I feel like we're getting on Gay Noah's Ark."
Chris chuckled, but then said soberly, "I hope this mission doesn't last for 40 days and 40 nights, though, 'cause I don't think I can live that long without kissing you."
"Among other things," Darren said with a wink.
Chris bumped their shoulders together. "Among other things..."
...
An hour later, floating northward through the starry sky, all six passengers on the flying ship were in high spirits. Their quest was off to a spectacular start, and a feeling of hopefulness was in the air.
Kurt produced a bottle of whiskey and challenged the others to a game of liar's dice. Everyone readily agreed, and soon the laughter and the alcohol were flowing freely.
When a somewhat tipsy Rachel got up and went to lean over the side of the ship, causing it to sway alarmingly, Darren took it as a song cue:
I dreamed last night I got on the boat to heaven
And by some chance I had brought my dice along
And there I stood
And I hollered "Someone fade me"
But the passengers, they knew right from wrong
Chris was grinning as he came in on the chorus:
For the people all said sit down,
Sit down, you're rockin' the boat
People all said sit down
Sit down you're rockin' the boat
And the devil will drag you under
By the sharp lapel of your checkered coat,
Sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down,
Sit down you're rockin' the boat
Kurt took the next verse:
I sailed away on that little boat to heaven
And by some chance found a bottle in my fist
And there I stood,
Nicely passin' out the whiskey
But the passengers were bound to resist
For the people all said beware
You're on a heavenly trip
People all said beware
Beware, you'll scuttle the ship
Blaine hooked one finger into the silk scarf around Kurt's neck, singing:
And the devil will drag you under
By the fancy tie 'round your wicked throat
Sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down
Sit down, you're rockin' the boat
Chris, Darren, Kurt and Blaine all began skipping around the deck, waving their jazz-hands wildly, and singing at the top of their lungs:
Sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down
Sit down, you're rockin' the boat
Sit down, you're rockin',
Sit down, sit down, sit down you're rockin' the boat
Sit down, you're rockin',
Sit down, sit down, sit down you're rockin' the boat
Sit down, you're rockin' the boat
The song came to a ragged end as the four of them collapsed into a laughing, panting heap.
As soon as he'd caught his breath enough to speak, Darren intoned, "And that's what you missed on Glee!"
End Notes: A review that Ginniegins (over on Scarves & Coffee) left on my last chapter inspired me to write a humorous little one-shot in this 'verse. It's called The Boys Who Cried Wolf, and it recounts five times Kurt thought he needed to rescue Chris and Darren, and one time he actually did. If you haven't read it yet, go check it out. And please review — you may just inspire me to write another story. :D