I was living and loving blissfully. My husband and I married last month and everyday from that day I was almost living a fairytale. I couldn't complain about anything. My honeymoon was good, our jobs was great, and the sex life was everything that I needed and more! We decided to have out walimah (reception) a month later so we didn't cram everything in one day and we wanted all of our family to atleast make it to one of our events.
I was already in a foul mood because my sister decided to fly in to town, not to join her family and her baby sister at this luxury dinner party, but to attend the wedding of one of her AKA sisters. What in the hell? Really? Ok that was cool, I wasn't losing no sleep over that. She played it off by congratulating me and giving me a card when she showed her face at my front door looking for a place to lay her head until the next morning. I should have showed her ass to the nearest hotel, but I wasn't as low down as she was. She was blood and I treat family exactly how I need to, so nobody can say I did or didn't do this, that, & the third.
"Hey Kee, you making cake?" she asked me.
"Naw, I'm making my husband and I some brownies".
"They smell good", she said. I knew she wanted some but she wasn't about to grub too!
"Yea, I know right? Don't touch my shit neither, I'll be back down here when he gets home and that tray better be as full as I left it. Good night". I walked up the stairs, wishing a nigga would touch my brownies but as educated as she was, she didn't. As I walked into my room and climbed into bed, I grabbed my phone and texted my husband the only burning question that grinds his gears.
"Bae, when are you getting off? Are you close to clocking out?" I sent the message with a smirk on my face. My phone vibrated in a matter of seconds and as I predicted, her was acting suspicious because I asked a suspicious question. I just laughed. He wrote that he would be home in 30 minutes, but no more than 10 minutes later I heard the front door alarm and I could hear the music from his head phones all the way from upstairs. Did he really think he would catch me doing anything at 4am? I had to get some beauty rest for one of the largest events in my life, other than my actual wedding.
"Hey Titan", I said giggling as he tried to creep into the bedroom. "I thought you said you would be home in 30 minutes, I guess I should tell Jerome, that so happens to be hiding in the closet, that he should go home huh?" Jamaal just looked at me sideways, with the facial expression that said I should stop playing with him. He stood there in the dark, with the illumination of the television shining outlining his frame and showing a visible glare in his eye. I don't know why he stood there looking like Freddy Vs. Jason when he clearly smelled like fresh baked brownies.
"Fat Butt" I called him as I crawled up to him to give him some kisses. "How many did you eat? Can't answer me"? He just stared at me, and then he started chewing and took the plate he had from behind his back to show me that he had clearly made a meal out of my goodies. I just shook my head, "umm you have a plate in the fridge Titan, don't act like you didn't see it!"
"I did see it, it's gone now." He said.
"The hell? How?"
"I came in through the back door...."
Sitting looking confused, "but the alarm for the front door went off."
"I know it did, and if I ever catch you slippin, I'll kill you"
"But how are you so tough right now, and you smell like a bakery? How you look akh? If you wanna go, we can get it right now", I told him as I tapped on his forehead with every word. He gave me a kiss on my neck and growled.
"Sweet baby, lord, oooh yea okay. Yaaaaaas Zaaaaaaddy", I thought. He always knew how to shut me up. He then turned on the lights, took off his work clothes and ate his brownies as he sat on the bed and watched ESPN. Needless to say, I grew tired of the repeating headline and I layed down and went to sleep. He would eventually grab me so I could sleep on his chest, the rest of the early morning would be something that only the both of us would have any recollection of.
****
I didn't hear my alarm go off, but instead I was woken up by the pleasant sound of my husband crowing in the shower. He swore up and down his could sing like Luther Vandross, only in the shower though. I rolled over to see that it was one o'clock in the after noon. I only had five hours to get everything ready, including myself. I jumped out of the bed and rushed to the bathroom, damn near hitting every wall and door on my way there. Everything was getting in the way and I grew irritated that everything was there in a few seconds. I had to shower and brush my teeth in a matter of minutes, so when I got into the bathroom I grabbed my tooth brush and tooth paste and hopped in the shower behind my husband. Yelling at him that it was too early to hear a cat and owl fight.
"What you mean? It's after 12, it's never too late. Baby let me woo you!"
I hit him in the nose with the head of my tooth brush, "Woo that locito!" i said as I prayed that he had already washed his face so I could put my tooth brush in my mouth without any doubt.
"Come on bae move out of the bumba way!!" I barked as I pushed my way infront of him like a fat kid trying to get the last of granny's fudge cake. I don't know what his problem was but I had to get my show on the road, I had people to see and had people that had to see me.
So after I showered and brushed my teeth and got situated in my bat winged abaya, of course I had to put on my face. I sho' did clean up well. I was amazed at the beat face I applied with the perfect copper smokey eye and eye liner, I was ready to go.
In no more than five minutes later, my family was in the drive way ready to go about out day and get the show on the road since it was almost 2 o'clock. My brother was blowing his horn and acting country yelling for me to come on. I heard him all the way upstairs, inside my house and he was parked a house away from my house. He was going to get punched in the face. I was irritated and annoyed and rushed, I was in no mood for the coonery.
"C'mon bae we got to go and pick up the BBQ ribs from granny house!!!" he yelled
"I'm coming Kareem, stop yelling at me before I give you your issues!!! SHUT UP!!" I yelled back, as I walked out onto my porch.
"You look cute Sunshine. Heeey Stinky" Kareem said to me. Giving him the side eye and my favorite smirk all I could do is feed into my pretty ego.
"Yea I know, Mommy always told me I was her cutest baby" I said as I sashayed to the car and gave my best "I'm the first wife" walk as if to say, I'm the best and the baddest in the land.
As planned, my brother Kareem and I, my mother, and my cousins were driving around the city gathering food and presents to take back to the masjid. One car had BBQ and fried foods, the other car had long and over due presents in it, and another car had decorations and the mother of the wife in the car. We was well on our way to get our day started.
****
It was 6:06PM and the walimah was well on its way to being the happiest night of my day. I had my family, my children, and my closest group of friends and supporters acound me. How could this night get any better? Well it did, in fact my night got a tad bit jucier.
My husband and my father needed to make a run to Giant Eagles for my mother to pick up some extra soda. While they were away, I was taking peeks at the presents and taking unwelcomed samples of the food, I couldn't help it. In the midst of my friends and children enjoying the, as we call it, pre-walimah, I got a phone call from my husband...
"As Salaamu Alaikum zawji, tell Ummi that we are at the corner and we're pulling up in a few seconds" he said.
"wa Alaikum As Salaam habibi, okay she's at the door waiting with Kareem and Kyaseem", I replied to him.
"One more thing, theres a sister on Facebook bothering me, can you do me a favor and tell her to leave me alone?" he asked sounding a tad bit irritated.
"Yea, I gotchu' what's her name?"
"I'll send it to you on the book, I gotta go, we're putting up"
He hung up the phone and I awaited the messages. It was some woman, who we are going to call Gordita. Baby, when I tell you, Gordita was, how do you say, ugly as all get out, then thats what she was. She just had one of those faces and bodies that made the most desperate person say, "Hell nawl that bitch is ratty lookin'". And needless to say, without regarding my reservations about why he was even on Facebook in the first place, I attempted to messages the female to tell her to cool her jets for the moment. Oh and let me tell ya'll she's a Detroit female, people always say that they are the worst of the people but she hadn't met me yet.
I sent Gordita a very respectful message: "As Salaamu Alaikum Ukhti, from my understanding you are corresponding with my husband and he's is quite perturbed by that. He and I would gladly appreciate that you stop all correspondance, respect his wishes and leave him alone in shaa Allah". Now if that wasn't polite enough, I don't know what was because she sure did fire back like I threatened her.
"How dumb do you sound bitch, he's trying to marry me on your walimah!!" she spit at me.
Como que what?! Okay well since we was going to play that way, let me make you show your face just a little bit more.
"Sister, calm down boo, there's no reason to act ghetto. We asked you a simple question, all that we ask that you do is comply" I said to gordita. I was already pissed that this woman had the audacity to say anything out of the side of her face to me, but what in the hell was she talking about my husband trying to marry her?! On my walimah? Is this the drama that he wanted to bring out today? On "MY" walimah? Ok let me pop off a little bit, all I need is another reason.
"Shut the fuck up! That's why you have to have a private walimah because your husband probably fucked all the women at the masjid!" she spit out once again.
Ah, here we go, just the jab I was looking for. I was all smiles now.
I said to her, without any hesitation,"Okay sweetheart, I just about had enough of your infatuated ass. When someone says leave them alone that means, you tuck your dog ass tail BITCH and you go find another ass to sniff. If my husband fucked everybody in the country are you mad because you couldn't keep a piece of it? Bitch you look like the ghetto damsel in distress looking for a good piping. Sorry! We don't feed hood boogers."
I laughed, I giggled, and I was irritated. My companion walked to me and asked why I became missing in action for a few minutes. I showed her the messages, and looked me dead in my face and said, "She's out of line. He's out line. And you're out of line. But because I know you, shut her the fuck down. Just as she said that one more message came through.
"Hoe I got a daughter thats your age and I'll have her come down there and beat your ass tonight", her foolish ass said, and I quietly told her, "Bitch don't bring none of your ragedy ass hood children in this unless you're ready to bury them!"
I was done playing, and I was done being the nice girl. It was definately time to give this female, and I use that term loosely, all of her issues. Oh but you do know that this was not the end of what I heard from her, she wasted her time harassing me for a few days and she still ended up getting her feelings hurt.