October 14th.
Everyone else was surprised to see me spending the night elsewhere and yesterday morning, was even more surprised when i told my house keeper and my P.A not to wait for me to come home as i might be staying over at her place again, since its Friday, and she did invite me over for a drink later that night.
I endured several hours of boredom as i waited for 7p.m. Dont get me wrong though, not that i wasnt going to take an advantage on her but its her warm company that made me feel welcome. Like a long lost friend, so far there were so sign of awkwardness between me and her, even though last night, i had to control myself. Provoking silently, i thought but the longer i spend my time with her, i finally understood that she was just being herself.
"What is wrong with you lately?" My P.A asked me when we were on our way back home.
"Nothing," i replied, which was true. Nothing particular. But why? Do i look different?
"You seemed lively lately," my P.A said,"You met someone? And dont lie to me, hyung. I can tell."
I laughed at his remark and nodded,"A new friend of mine."
"Just a friend?"
Of course she's just a friend. Im not the type of guy who's into a long term relationship and even i do get involve, women doesnt seem to find me attractive enough but since my bottom line of my bank account were bottomless, they turned out to be very clingy. And suffocating.
"I need your help," i said to my P.A and he doesnt look very pleased, as usual.
"Again? As long as i dont have to pretend that i am you, then, okay."
What i told him next almost made my P.A yelped as if like he was in pain. Even though he seemed hesitant, he would do it anyway and i smiled gratefully for his help.
My P.A, 10 years younger than i am, and had been loyal to me for as long as i could remember. One of the best and i know that i could trust him.
Around 7p.m. i asked my P.A to drop me off somewhere nearby a convenient store nearby Hyo Rin's place and i bought as much as i could beers and snacks. Like an angel's call, Hyo Rin passed by the store and surprised to see how much I've bought.
"You're not surprised to see me at all?" I asked her, as she peered through the contents of the plastic bags that i was holding.
"No. Because i know you would come," she replied,"But why did you buy all these?"
"Just in case it wont be enough for the two of us," i said sheepishly.
"Its more than enough. I bought a few things already," Hyo Rin said,"You should have text me before buying this much. Dont waste your money."
Oh darling, i got more money than any other men you had met before.
"Should i return them?" I asked.
"Return what?"
"All these. Then i can have my money back."
She laughed and took me by the hand, shaking her head, she said,"No no no. You already bought them."
"Shall we head back?"
I nodded and tagged along as we walked along the sidewalk, heading towards the apartment.
"So, what did you do all day?" I asked.
Her reply was this,"Looking for jobs."
Oh man, i felt bad for her and if it wasnt because of me, she wouldve not lost her only source of income.
"Have you manage to find one?"
She shook her head,"Not yet. I'll try again tomorrow."
"Is that the reason why you drink?" I asked again.
"Yes. And no," Hyo Rin replied with a smile,"I drink so that i could fall asleep. I have insomnia."
Insomnia. That was something new. But though, there was something bothering me. How could a low income of a sales assistant could afford staying in an apartment that was situated in an area which was famous with high priced apartments, villas and houses. Maybe she's a hooker, as a part time job. My mood sank and i bear that question in mind, decided to ask her later on.
Hyo Rin left for her shower as i waited. I have one particular habit : looking around at someone else's house. I realised that there were no photos of her with her family or photos of her family members.
"If you're wondering why my walls look empty, i dont own this place. Belongs to a friend of mine who is currently studying medical degree in UK. I rented this place," She appeared out of nowhere, startling me, spookily answering to the questions i had in mind.
"Oh."
"I couldnt possible afford to live here, in this area," she said again,"The only thing that i own are the things thats in my room and the pink couch that you're sitting on."
I felt like an idiot, for thinking that she was a hooker earlier on.
She helped herself with a can of cold beer and so did i.
"If you have something to ask me, just fire away," she said when a long silence fell upon us.
"Not really," i told her,"Its just- how come you dont have a boyfriend?"
"How come you're still not married?" She asked me back.
"Because i dont have any interest on settling down just yet," i answered and she smiled. Oh. The same reason why we were still unattached to anyone.
"My reason is the same as yours, ajusshi," she said.
Ajusshi. Again.
"When will you start calling me oppa?" I asked her and the only answer she gave me was a shrugged and a sly smile.
We talked and talked throughout the night, and it was funny when i recalled back our slurred speech, thanks to alcohol. We laughed at each other's lame jokes and when we started laughing, it was hard to stop.
"Why it is so difficult for you? You must have met plenty of women and yet, you're not interested with any one of them?" She asked.
"I went on dates, slept with a few but there were no strings attached," i admitted,"They doesnt seem to be sincere and i hate one sided relationship."
"So, you actually want a woman who loves you for who you are?" She asked again. Technically, yes.
"Yes, and no. I want women to like me for who i am. Love, can be arrange later on. If they dont like me, how can they love me?" I told her and her eyes widened.
"I agree, but i also disagree," she said, moving a little closer. She drank down her beer, smacked her lips and said,"You cant arrange love. Love is like spring. It'll come and you cant stop it from coming. And its always unexpected, falling in love that is."
"Have you ever fallen in love?"
My question had changed her expression completely. From a happy cheerful looking face, she looked sad and hurt. I felt bad and i apologized quickly. Gave her another can of beer and she brightened up almost immediately.
"Once," she said, answering my question,"But i have no intention of going through it again."
"I thought you said love is unexpected?"
She laughed,"I did. I doubt that it will happen again."
Silence fell between us and it was only when i helped myself with another beer, she had finally spoken.
"You only live once and fall in love once." She said,"And it hurts. Terribly. Right here."
I followed her forefinger, which she pointed directly to her heart. She took me by the hand and pressed them together on my chest and said,"Since your case is different, when you have finally fallen in love, you'll keep her here. And it grows stronger by day."
"Why is my case different?" I asked.
"Because you have never open up your heart to any women you met," she replied with a smile,"And what that time comes, you'll keep her in here forever."
I pressed my hand which she was still holding, against her chest. Her heartbeat was steadily thumping against my hand.
"What about you? Will you be able to open it for the second time?" I asked and she stared at me for the longest time.
Instead of answering my question, she let go of my hand and i didnt know what came over me, my hand was still in place. On her chest. It was intense. I get to touch her but i couldnt let myself even just to kiss her.
As i wrote down in this journal, i was on my bed. And it was a beautiful Saturday night. Tonight, i'd be sleeping alone in my bed. Although i have the urge of meeting her again, ive finally decided it was best for me to stay away from her for the time being. Not that i hate her but what happened last night had finally awoken the devil inside of me. Even though we didnt do anything, but i still feel like shit and what i did was wrong.