By the time we reached our lane the neighbourhood was starting to wake up. One of our neighbours that lived two blocks down recognised our car and waved over at us. I was afraid she'd see our state and obviously expect and explanation which I was not ready to give. But I managed to force out a smile and wave back.
The ride from the hospital to home seemed to take forever, all i wanted to do was go for a shower and eventually fall into deep sleep forgetting that anything happened. I was so happy when we finally pulled up to our driveway.
I squinted noticing a figure standing at our front porch. They were short and had a female figure, only when Zayn stuck his head out and called to the person did I realise it was tricia.
"shit." I thought. Zayn glanced at me and I realised that I had accidentally said it out loud.
He didn't say anything just cut the engine and gathered his keys. He opened his door and was about to step out when he paused glancing back at me "should we tell her?" he asked.
"I don't think we have any choice." I mumbled pulling my hair up into a sloppy ponytail. I didn't want to tell her anything, I wanted to just lie my way though and pretend like nothing dramatic or life changing ever happened to us. But I couldn't do that.
My train of thought was interrupted when Zayn opened my car door and helped me out. It was still too hard to hold his gaze for too long and it was hard for him to hold me for more than a minute. We kept our distance and kept our emotions to ourselves.
while his mother approached us. Her eyes were wide open as she looked at the two of us in shock. Her gaze drifted to the blood patch on zany's shirt when he had carried me to the car.
"What happened?!" tricia cried her hands instantly cradling Zayns cheek. Her eyes flickered from Zayn to me to the red bloody patch on Zayns shirt.
Zayn moved away from his mother like he was almost frustrated. And when our fingers brushed together he kept a greater distance from us. I chewed on the inside of my cheek and wrapped my cardigan tighter around me.
Shoving his hands into his pockets Zayn finally spoke up "We went to the hospital." while his mother raised an eyebrow. "Lexi had a miscarriage."
I don't know if I had imagined her eyes widening or her mouth dropping opened as she looked at me or even the fact that she had approached and folded me into her warm embrace.
At first I was confused -just like Zayn- that she was holding me. I don't think that she had ever held me like this for a long time- I guess since the wedding. I didn't really know what to do, but when I caught Zayn smiling to himself I guess the feeling was natural and I soon melted into her embrace.
She pulled back a few minutes letting her hands cradle my own. "You never told me?"
"we didn't want to form a distraction from grandpa's funeral." Zayn shrugged "we were planning on telling you soon."
I could tell Tricia wanted to speak to Zayn alone, she had come to our house for a specific reason, but given our present situation she had to be "sympathetic" to me. Even though she shot me a sad smile and even held me in her arms I couldn't help but feel like it was all fake. Her attitude towards me was fake.
As soon as she had pulled away I excused myself for a long hot shower. I was hoping that the steam of the shower would block out all the thoughts that clouded in my mind, but this alone time only seemed to cloud me with even more thoughts.
I felt fat, ugly, useless, failure, the worst wife/soon-to-be mother and the numbing pain in my lower half just seemed to emphasise that. I scrubbed at my body till it was red, I let the water run down my body till my feet burned.
When I finally got out of the shower I took a really good look at myself discriminating each flaw. my fingers ran over the hickey just under my right boob. I remembered Zayn had kissed it and told me how happy he was I was pregnant. My fingers gripped onto the side of the bathroom bench letting my tears drop down into the sink.
I cradled my lower half wishing I could just reverse time.
~~*~~
Once I finally got a grip over myself I stood out and tried to dry my hair, I had no energy to bow dry it or style it all I wanted was to go to sleep.
I didn't realise that right below me were Zayn and Tricia. They probably didn't know I was above them and I felt slightly bad but also curious to know what they were talking about.
Crouching down I ignored the lower pain in my back and glanced through the crack below. They were both standing on our back porch with a steaming cup of coffee in their hands.
"I'm really sorry for your's and Lexis loss." Tricia said and I couldn't help but roll my eyes at the tone of her voice. It was like she was forced to say it. Through the crack in our balcony fence I could see her place a hand on Zayns shoulder. Zayn didn't reply just nodded and glanced down at his feet. "You'd of made a great.....and Lexi....would of been a fine mother."
Zayn kicked the ground below him, with the tip of his toe he pushed small stones through the cracks of the deck. I heard him mumble a "Yeah"
Tricia pulled her hand back to curl it around the sides of her mug. "But I reckon you two are still too young to have kids."
Zayn frowned "but we're married, aren't we suppose to have kids?" Zayn glanced at her confused "And didn't you want to have grandkids."
Tricia sighed "Your father never taught you the qualities of a businessman, did he?" Zayn didn't answer so she continued talking "The key to a successful business is when you put your job before everything!" she lectured "if you want to succeed in life then dedication to your company needs to come before any other aspect of your life."
I frowned, I defiantly did not agree to what she had to say. I guess Zayn felt the same way because he shook his head "but I already am successful, I have millions stocked up."
They remained quiet for a few seconds, my back was starting to hurt since I was standing for too long so I sat on our bed keeping the balcony door wide open.
"so what about my personal life?-"
"Your father was immature and lazy as a businessman, he didn't put enough time and effort into his company which is why we lost millions in our profit. I don't want that to happen to you." Zayn kept quiet. Tricia sighed again "Look I know this is the wrong time to bring this situation up but I think you should go to new York for three week."
"I'm not leaving Lexi."
"Oh please Zayn." Tricia snapped She's a grown women, I think she'll be able to take care of herself for three week."
"Why do you even want me to go to new York?"
"Do you remember Daniel- your cousin?" she said sounding incredible enthusiastic like she was talking about him like it was her own child. "He owns five factories all over new york. He lives in a mansion, owns another three mansions in new york alone, rides to work everyday in a limo, travels across the world for business meetings-"
"-and you want me to go?...."
"because as family I think he can advise you and give you tips on how to be a successful businessman." she said "you're still too young and immature, if you want to keep your business up then agree to go on this trip. At least for me?"
I didn't know if I imagined it but I could hear Zayn scoff. Or maybe it was just the sound of his feet scraping across the floor.
~~*~~
By the time Tricia left it was already 8 am on a Monday morning. Neither one of us were going to work. We were so tired that the moment she left we fell asleep. Zayn didn't tell me anything about his conversation with his mother that it slightly irritated me. I hated that gradually he was keeping a distance from me. Was he ever planning on telling me about his surprise business trip to new york? or was that a last minute 2-hours-before-his-flight-typical-zayn-thing?
But I was too tired to hold a grudge against him, so I let him snake his arms around my waist and pull me to his side, I let him place a kiss just below my earlobe and whisper "I love you" in my ear.
I fell into a very deep sleep and only woke up at noon. Zayn was already awake by then, he laid in bed -phone in hand- surfing through his emails.
Out of habit my hands fluttered towards my belly hoping to feel a small bump or any progress, but after a few seconds it hit me for another time this morning that I was childless. The empty feeling rushed back and tennis balls were wedged down my throat. I kept my eyes pierced at the corner of the ceiling forcing myself to not utter a tear. Despite losing my child only today I needed to get over it.
Zayns hands snuck just above my belly so that they rested under my boobs, he pressed his lips to my neck and let his noes travel slowly up and down the length of my neck.
"I have to tell you something..." he said taking in a deep breath "And you might not be that...happy."
I glanced over at my shoulder so that my gaze met his "You're taking a business trip to new york for two weeks."
"Three weeks actually." he said laying back on his side, he glanced at me "How do you even know?"
I laid back on the bed so that I was looking directly up at the ceiling "I overheard you guys." I said, I could feel Zayn's shoulder pressing against mine and the feel of his warmth brought me such comfort. I don't think I could live without him for three weeks! "Do you really need to go?"
"I want to make our business better than it has ever been, the more I learn, the more experienced i am the better it'll be..." he trailed off. I pressed my noes to the top of his shoulder. From beneath the covers his hand met mine where he intertwined our fingers. "I also think it would be better for me, I mean I just lost a three people I really loved within a span of 24 hours." he carried on "But I think time away from each would not only benefit me but also you..."
This is basically the conversation of couples on the bridge of getting a divorce. First its time away from each other, then they stay seperate for months which often lead to affairs and finally a divorce. It was a crazy prediction but what else was I suppose to think?
"Okay..." I mumbled even though every bone in my body didn't want him to go. I felt like I was at a lowest point of my life, losing a baby really did impact me in some kind of way. And to be honest I really wanted Zayn to be there for me....as part of our wedding vows and all.
Instead I took a deep breath and tried to smile "And Zayn." he looked at me "your grandmas not gone, she's just asleep." he smiled back.