Sorry guys this one isn't a chapter... I thought I would just explain chapter four for those of you who were confused about it. Hope I explained it well enough... if you have more questions just comment :)
I felt such a heavy darkness on me. All I could hear was a constant beeping noise in my ear. Oh gosh, I just want it gone. Unfortunately for me, the beeping wouldn't cease so resolved to just surrender to it. It was nice after a while, just listening to the steady rhythm of the beep. It was starting to lull me back into relaxed mind state
"Elizabeth! Wake up! Please wake up! Come back!' (Every once in a while she will hear voices from people who are visiting her in the hospital.... You probably already knew that but yeah...) I tried to move my head to the sound of the voice but I couldn't get my body to move. The voice kept screaming at me over and over again but the beeping eventually drowned it out. My muscle's were taunt from the unexpected voice I heard but soon I relaxed, lulled by the beeping lullaby. Where was I? I opened my eyes to see myself in the woods. It is so foggy out; it felt like a cloud was on the ground. The trees creaked and the dead leaves crackled in the chilling wind. Regardless of the weird atmosphere the beeping continued to drone on anyway. My senses kicked up when I realized that I had no idea where I was. Maybe I just need to find the exit. I stumbled through the woods; my body was just barely managing to hold me up. (She is in a hospital right now. She can hear the beeping of the monitor and the screens (The woods signify the dark place of her mind right now. Nothing is bright and clear, just foggy and dark). . I tripped over a root or something and fell flat to the ground. My face smashed into the ground and I push myself up but suddenly stopped short. My hands were nothing put my bones. I quickly scan all my body to see I am nothing but a skeleton (When I say she is a skeleton I am saying that she has finally attained the no fat body that she always wanted... and you have to be a skeleton in order to achieve that). My breathing picked up and I felt like I was going to go hysterical. I gasped loudly when I saw three figures that weren't there seconds ago. It was a boy and two girls who were smiling at me. The boy was wearing black but he was handsome and seemed familiar. Both girls were wearing white dresses and they too were beautiful. I couldn't shake the feeling that they were all very familiar (The boy, Ed, is wearing black which signifies death because eating disorders if carried on will lead to death. Ana and Mia are wearing white, signifying purity. You have to be "pure" in order to successfully obtain "perfection" and that is what Ana and Mia are all about)
"Elizabeth, we are so glad that you are finally here" The boy smiled wickedly. I recognized his voice immediately.
"Ed?" I whispered weakly. He nodded his head and pointed to the girls.
"Ana and Mia" I breathe out. My heart started to pump wildly as if I was in danger.
"You are finally here Elizabeth!" One girl said to me. I know it's Ana by what she looks like. She was wearing a very loose fitting white dress. She has a flower planted near her ear. Her wavy blond hair fell like a curtain to her lower back. She was so skinny. As a matter of fact there wasn't an ounce of fat on her. She looked so beautiful, so seductive and innocent, so tempting. I reached out to touch her and she shirked back as if I were a hot flame.
"No" She said shaking her head, "You aren't pure yet!"
"What do you mean?" Confusion etched across my face, "I am bones! Look at me!" A mirror suddenly appeared and I peered into it.
"What do you see Elizabeth! What do you see" Ana hisses in my ear. I don't know when she snuck up behind me but I didn't give it any more thought. I looked closely into the mirror and I saw myself. I felt the blood leave my face and I resisted the urge to throw the mirror. I was so fat.
"What do you see?" Mia silently whispered to me.
"I see myself. I am so fat and disgusting. How am I so fat? When I looked at myself a couple of minutes ago I was bones! But now when I look at myself I am fat! How is this possible?"
I heard Ed and Ana chuckle loudly.
"Don't you get it?" Ed smirked, "You will never be pure until the mirror you is just as small as the physical you?!"
"You will always see your mirror self as fat" Mia whispered. (The reason that Mia is always whispering and speaking softly is because she is trying to appear as a friend. Purging seems like a thing you can do every once and a while when you lose control but soon it will control you and... for those who have struggled with Bulimia you know what I mean)
The cold hard truth of what they were saying sunk in. No matter how much weight I lost I would always see myself as fat.
"I will kill you!" Laughed Ana, "I will kill you stupid fatty!" Her body then vanished into thin air and I heard a very high pitch beeping, Nothing like the cool soothing lullaby moments earlier.
"You are a disgusting, revolting, little pig! Little pig? I mean big pig! Fat pig!" Ed screamed. He then disappeared and was replaced by a low beeping noise.
"You could eat you know! You would just have to throw it up! You could stay small! I can help you!" Mia sighed then disappeared only to be replaced by another round of annoying beeping.
I could barely focus with three different beeping noises. I fell to the ground clutching my ears. Startled by the feeling of ears cause me to look down at my body again. I had transformed back into my fat version.
"No!" I screamed. I couldn't be fat! I looked up to see Ana's hollow lifeless eyes staring at me. She simply touched me and all the fat disappeared.
"I can make you as beautiful as me" She whispered slowly. "I can make you beautiful, just don't forget, you have to be like me to be beautiful!" With that being said, vanished and in her black was a suffocating black cloud. I put my shirt over my mouth so I could breathe and I continued deeper in the woods to find a way out. (Every time Ana touches her, Lizzy becomes skinny. It seems that you can loose weight starving yourself so having anorexia can be linked to being skinny. That is the case a lot of the time... but sometimes it's not...)
"Stupid whore!"
I stopped walking because I recognized this voice as well. I looked over to see my mom on the left side of me.
"Mom?" I asked, peering closely at her. She was dressed in a long black dress that puffed out red steam.
"I don't regret telling dad" I yelled out as I sneered at her. Her face went from impassioned to that of pure disgust.
"Who do you think you are fat piece of trash?! Why can't you just be the daughter I've always wanted? Why can't you just be thin?" She pushed me to the ground and turned towards a beautiful skinny girl. I looked closely to see it was... me?
"What!" I screamed. "Who's this chick with my face?" She looked at me coldly and stated
"She's the daughter I've always wanted and not some stupid girl who starves herself and still is way too fat! Obviously, you fail at anorexia if you are still as fat as a whale."
I grabbed her arm and in attempt to hit her but she slid out of my grasp. She then took the hand of the beautiful me look-alike and walked away. Why did she hate me so much? I felt tears start to run down my face and I looked at myself again. I was fat!
(The reason her mother is being so cruel in her "vision" is because when her mom has some secrets of her own. Her mom really does love her it just comes out in a twisted and cruel way. Elizabeth is the spitting image and personality of her mother and because her mother hates herself she hates Elizabeth also. In one of the chapters you see what really causes Elizabeth's mother to hate her.)
"Lizzy!" I turned around to see that Ana had returned.
"Ana" I sobbed out, "She won't listen, she doesn't want me! Why does she hate me so much? Please... please help me!"
Ana took my hand and led me into the suffocating black cloudy atmosphere. Walking into it made me feel like I had my soul ripped out of me. As soon as we walked in I saw a bunch of other girls there, just digging holes. They were all dressed in pink, not talking, not smiling, just digging. (They are digging their graves. Every shovel full that they do is every day that they go without eating... until they die)
"Why are they digging Ana?" I asked.
"Because I told them too" She smirked and touched a girl that was digging (Ana "told" them too... as I said before every shovel full is everyday they go without eating. She told them not to eat, so she is telling them to dig their graves). She immediately stopped and turned. Her eyes were lifeless but she was beautiful, and so small. Skin and bone small. I looked deeper into her eyes and was horrified to realize that I knew her.
"Kim?" I asked hesitantly. Kim was a girl that always sat by herself in school. She had no friends and was below average in academics. I never liked her because she was so skinny. She made me feel fat every time I looked at her.
"Kim is beautiful and one step closer to perfection because she listens to me, but she still is fat and needs to lose more pounds! Right Kim?"
"Yes Ana, I need to lose more, I need to be pure" Kim then turned around and continued shoveling her hole.
"Elizabeth, you could be beautiful too" Ana then handed me a shovel and told me to dig. I didn't know why I was, but every shovel full I did I felt smaller and lighter. I started shoveling furiously because of how I felt my body growing smaller.
"Elizabeth!" I heard a voice hiss. I looked to see it was Kim.
"There is no escape, there is no escape" Tears ran down her face and she fell to the ground.
"Kim, you chose to come here on your own. Because you saw how fat you were! I didn't come until you acknowledged it" (This line is true. It wasn't until all the girls accepted that they were "fat" that they came to the dark scary place of Ana's world) Ana pushed Kim into the hole and walked away. I stopped shoveling and looked to see Kim lying lifeless in the hole. Even though she wasn't moving her mouth chanted these words. (Kim is actually currently in the hospital right now, but she will get out. Ana pushed her into the hole but it wasn't completed. Her grave wasn't completed so therefore, Kim is not dead)
"Pure is bones. Bones is perfection. Perfection is impossible" (Being pure is impossible I shrunk away from her body terrified. I ran back towards the way we came in looking for an escaped but Ana came and pushed me to the ground.
"You don't want to escape Lizzy! You want me! You need me!" She picked me up off the ground and led me back to my shovel. (It stinks that Lizzy went back to Ana... but her weight is her primary concern right now... nothing else matters). Sighing in defeat because I knew Ana was right, I continued to shovel. I heard a scraping noise and I looked over to see that Kim was back to shoveling.
"I thought you were dead!' I whispered to her as I felt Ana's piercing gaze leave me.
"I am invincible Lizzy. I climbed out of the grave"
"Why are you still digging then? Why are you willing to dig your own grave?!" I shrieked.
"Because, Lizzy, I can't live without Ana, and neither can you" As soon as the words left her mouth I felt shackles on my arms and feet and a gag on my mouth.
"You can't escape" Kim said again.
(This is not true. You can actually recover from your eating disorder. But you can't do it alone. That is why you should seek help. Kim and Lizzy are in a bad stage of ED right now and they believe the lie that they cannot escape. Recovery is a journey but some day you can get to your destination. Stay strong my lovelies, and keep fighting :)