I locked myself in Sydney's bathroom trying to make sense of everything that was happening. My head was pounding and my vision was blurry making it hard for me to maneuver around properly. I slid back into my briefs and stood over the sink splashing water on my face. My body felt overheated and I couldn't figure out how to calm myself down—anxiety at it's finest.
I plopped down on the tiled floor and held my face in my hands. It hadn't even been a full twenty-four and I was barely making it without Roman. She wasn't answering mine or Bleu's calls, she wouldn't text me back, I even had Rocko ride over to her place—nothing. She'd completely shut me out and I couldn't say that I didn't deserve it.
Tears flooded my face once again. I had it all planned out; Once I left Sydney alone, things would fall back into place. I didn't expect it to happen immediately but I sure as hell didn't expect it to fall apart as quickly as it did either.
"This is done. I've had enough," I kept repeating that sentence in my head. Usually I brushed her words off but the look in her eyes was genuine. She was really done. I thought about staying. I thought about falling to my knees and begging her for one last chance but I couldn't. Not because I didn't want to but because I've used enough chances. I've fucked up enough and keeping her in this situation would only tear her down more than I already have. She deserved some type of happiness and I knew that right now I couldn't give her any.
Once again, I used Sydney as a distraction. Nothing but temporarily satisfying sex and good conversation came out of this relationship. I hadn't touched her in this manner since that night after the strip club. I vowed to never touch her again and somehow, tonight, my body deceived me.
Karma came back to bite me in the ass. It was some of the worst sex I've ever had. I figured it was because my emotional attachment to her had completely dissipated within the last couple of weeks. Nothing about her turned me on like she used to. I laid bored for forty-five minutes waiting for her to reach an orgasm. Missionary was the only position I had the energy for and I wasn't even on top.
I needed to feel like I was still a man and I thought coming here would do that for me. It didn't. I still felt shitty, I still felt guilty—even more now that I slept with her without thinking about any of the consequences. I sighed and pulled myself up from the floor. I washed my face again and exited the bathroom.
Sydney was fully clothed sitting on the bed. She tossed me a rolled blunt and stood up. "Get dressed, let's take a walk,"
I quickly threw on my clothes and followed her out. We started in the back yard and walked wherever the path took us. Stars lined the dark skies and the sounds of crickets chirping filled the air.
"What happened to your girlfriend?" She asked taking a pull of the blunt.
"Nothing,"
She rolled her eyes looking over at me as she walked through the high grass. "You act like I don't know you. Something happened. You seemed so serious about leaving me alone. I haven't heard from you since and suddenly you show up at my door wanting sex," She took another pull. "Which was awful by the way and we're never doing that again," She laughed.
"It was pretty bad," I chuckled taking a pull myself. I looked down at the ground as we walked.
"So, you gonna' tell me or?"
I shrugged. "She's leaving me," My response was really vague but there was no other way to put it.
"Didn't expect that," She raised a brow. "Thought it would be the other way around. You never let anybody keep you,"
"This time I did and I fucked it up," I shook my head as she found a spot under a tree and sat down. I sat next to her.
"At least you have time to fix it while things are still fresh,"
"Fresh," I chuckled. I wished for that statement to be true. "We're married,"
She coughed up the smoke she'd just inhaled and held her chest. "Excuse me?"
"You heard me right,"
"I ought to kick your ass," She mugged me. "Why didn't you say anything? I would stopped this from happening a long time ago!"
"Nobody knew but everybody is slowly starting to figure it out now," I re-lit the blunt and took a pull myself. "I tried to back off but you're sort of persuasive,"
She rubbed her temples before running her hand over her face. "Jesus christ, I slept with a married man. Seriously, I should crack your fucking head open!" She groaned. "How long have you been married? Do I know her?"
"Our four year anniversary is in two months,"
"It's Roman isn't it?" She paused and took a long pull. She exhaled and tilted her head back. "She is the only chick that you keep around everyone. It's easy to keep her off of the blogs because she's with the team all the time,"
I nodded. "Nobody suspects anything,"
She remained quiet for a while. She was trying to process everything just as I was. "Gosh, I've said things around her. You... we...we almost had a baby! Are you fucking stupid?!" She stood up and paced around. "No wonder you didn't trip about me not wanting kids. What if I did though? I could've kept it! Then what? What were you going to tell her? Oh my god, I'm a home wrecker!"
She huffed and puffed as she paced. I hadn't thought about any of that. I hadn't thought of anything. I trusted her more than I should have. These were the types of situations that my mother warned me about. I was usually careful but this time I wasn't.
"She knows about us. She just doesn't know about that. I don't know what I would've done if you kept it,"
"Of course you don't know. You never know anything," She huffed and sat back down. "Sometimes I wish that you never fell in love with me. You start doing stupid shit when you're in your feelings and that's not something I'm mentally equipped for. I prefer a relationship like this. I don't like emotional
attachments and you know that. You have someone who has what you look for in me, take that because it's real hard to find that kind of love now a days,"
"This marriage shit is hard,"
"It's not supposed to be easy but if you do it right, it makes getting through the bullshit worth it. I can't imagine the kind mess of you've put her through in these four years,"
"A lot of it but it wasn't intentional. I was just trying to balance her and work and everything fell apart,"
"You don't have much time to start piecing it back together. Don't let your wife walk away from you. Not because of me and not because of work. I don't want to be your way out. I want you be happy and because you were willing to cut me off completely let's me know that she does that for you. Don't be stupid,"
I was honestly at a loss for words. I didn't think she could ever be sympathetic yet she was here giving me advice that didn't sound half bad. I took in all of her words and nodded in agreement.
"After tonight, I won't call you and you won't call me. You won't stop by and neither will I. We will act as if we don't know each other and I want you to be okay with that,"
"I will be,"
"Good," She stood up and I followed her back to the house. I gave her one last hug before getting in my car.
I made my way back to Roman's place hoping for better luck than I had earlier. My nights were much easier when she was lying next to me. I needed one more night with her before I could really accept being without her.
I pulled up and saw her bedroom light on. I took a deep breath and rang the doorbell. It opened almost immediately. She stood clad in sports bra and shorts. She didn't say anything, she just moved aside and let me in. I locked the door behind me and followed her upstairs. She tossed me a towel and washcloth. I assumed that I still smelled like sex. Part of me was surprised that she wasn't cursing me out but I could see how tired she was mentally, she felt no need to argue about it.
I stepped into the shower and stood under the water rinsing away my night. Roman joined me not long after. It was just like normal, she washed me, I washed her. Her thumb gently rubbed across her name permanently inked into my forearm.
"Did you at least wear a condom?" She asked looking up at me.
I nodded. Her eyes dropped back down to my forearm. She chewed on her bottom lip for a few seconds before she gently pushed me backward until I was sitting on the corner bench and straddled me.
"You're not mad?" I said stopping her before she could continue. She shrugged.
"At this point, what do I have to lose?"
My hand fell to her waist as I looked down between us. The warm water mixed with her sweet nectar made me twitch between her lips. "Don't talk like that,"
"But am I lying?" She asked sliding down onto me. My only response was a groan and from that moment on, nothing was comprehensive.
"Exactly," She mumbled against my lips. What was supposed to be a moment alone, turned into a steamy session of love making. The water had gone cold an hour ago and she was still putting in work like she had a point to prove. Her hair was soaked and the water dripped down her face accentuating every expression she made during her orgasm. She buried her face into my neck and I held her close until she gained the strength to get up and turn the shower off. She exited the bathroom wrapping her towel around her and the next time I saw her she was cocooned under the blanket. I didn't bother her. I just hit the light and sat down next to her.
She pulled the cover from her face and looked up at me with her dark brown orbs. "Why did you marry me? It doesn't seem like you're ready for this type of commitment,"
"I married you because you were my friend before anything, you were there whenever I needed someone, you kept me motivated
and made sure that I was always on the right track and you're the only person besides my mom who genuinely makes me happy,"
"Then why do you always choose her,"
"She's easy," I admitted. "I've never had to work this hard for anything but my career,"
"You think maybe we jumped into this too quickly?" She fiddled with her fingers.
"I think maybe I jumped into this too quickly. I wasn't ready,"
Truth was, I wasn't ready to be with someone else but I definitely took that leap of faith and it was worth it. I've learned things about myself that I never knew existed. If anything, being with Roman showed me what it was like to be loved correctly. She didn't come with baggage but she was leaving with a ton of it. I weighed her down.
"Until you're really over her I will never satisfy you the way that you want me to. I can't compete with history,"
"You offer everything that she can't. I love you for you and that's what matters. No amount of history can change that,"
"I wish I could believe that,"
She turned over one her back and stared up at the ceiling. "I don't even feel like the same person anymore. This relationship has drained every bit of love that I had left in my body, I can't keep running after you hoping that one day you'd be different,"
"Then stop. I don't blame you for wanting to leave. If the shoe was on the other foot, I would've done the same,"
"Will you ever be ready?"
I nodded. "I hope so. I want to be able to start over and do it again the way it supposed to be done this time but don't wait on me,"
"I won't," He hand rested on my chest. "I decided to go with Lance. Mainly because I need a break away from everyone,"
"Fair enough,"
As much as I wanted to object rip those plane tickets up, I couldn't. I'd done enough to her in the last couple of days. If she wanted to go
out and have fun, she had every right to do
so, even if it was with another man.
"I'm still deciding on if this is really a situation I want to be in," She sighed. "I love you more than you could ever imagine but you're going to
drive me crazy. If I'm always walking on egg shells around you, it's pointless. We don't trust each other and we don't communicate. There's nothing left,"
"Except moments like these,"
"But how often do we get moments like these?"
I kept quiet and wrapped my arms around her waist. Thinking about it all made me wonder if being apart was the best option for the both of us. We were fighting for something that was no
longer there and wondering why it wasn't
working. We built and destroyed a foundation all at once and putting back together was damn near impossible.
"When I come back from the trip, I'll have an answer for you," She leaned up planting a kiss on my lips. "Until then, let's keep our distance,"