Taking another deep breath I finally managed to walk - it was quite difficult due to my body shaking violently.
I suddenly felt so vulnerable to this entire world.
Okay.. that was intense..
My stomach was being insanely sick by now and I didn't know, if I could even eat anything at all but I would try because I didn't want to disappoint Renji.
Once my body slowly adjusted and stabilized itself, I started stepping out of the room and stumbled over to the couch where we usually ate.
"Sorry, I forgot something for your food so when I called, yours wasn't ready - I just finished it though" he admitted while standing in the kitchen and putting some food on a plate.
"O-okay" I stuttered as he came up beside me, handing my plate to me - his' was already standing on the table.
His food seemed to be rather cold or at least cooled down my now, which made me feel guilty on one hand but I was kinda glad on the other - because his food always smelled odd because obviously it was just .. human flesh.
He frowned a little when I didn't take the food right away and instead put it on the table beside his'.
"Are you okay?" he asked.
We both turned our heads to look at each other, so our eyes met right away.
"You're even more pale than you were earlier.. When you.. You know.. - What's wrong?" he added.
My eyes were probably still red from crying just a few minutes ago and my body was probably still shaking, so I knew that lying to him would be useless.
There was no way I could speak about what I just witnessed though - at least not right now. I needed some time to think about it first. After all, if this was the truth and all of this horrible stuff really happened to me, I never told Renji about it, so it'd probably shock him just as much.
Our eyes were just gazing into teach others.
At first it felt normal but after a few seconds I started feeling as if he was staring right into my soul and therefore intimidating me.
To avoid this feeling I started avoiding his eyes and instead turned my head to the food and quickly took the plate.
I still felt his eyes on me.
Hoping that he'd get the hint that I couldn't talk about it at the moment and would let go for now, I quickly took a fork that was laying on the (couch) table and started eating - even though I still felt sick.
Renji didn't stop staring at me.
I knew if he'd keep looking at me I'd break down and cry.
While he probably didn't know what exactly happened, he knew that something was off.
Stay calm.. It'll be fine..
Trying to reassure myself was useless as well, his eyes on me somehow provoked emotions that I wanted to hold back.
This silence was just making it worse, but if I wanted to speak my voice would fail. It'd crack and give all my emotions away.
A couple of minutes passed by before Renji slowly took the plate and the fork out of my hands.
Shit..
Still trying to avoid his eyes I just glanced around the room.
Suddenly his arms wrapped around me and pulled me closer to him, softly forcing my head against his chest.
His embrace - once again - made me feel safe and.. loved.
The feeling of rejection and not being loved by ..everyone.. disappeared as soon as he held me close. Tears stormed out of my eyes, the pain, the memories in my head and in my heart were just too much to handle.
He felt so safe, like someone I could trust with my life - he probably had nothing to do with that photo book incident. Something within me told me he wouldn't do this.
"What's wrong?" he mumbled while he rubbed my back.
I slowly shook my head, not being able to speak.
"It's okay" he whispered as he placed a soft kiss on my head/hair.
The second his lips touched my skin I remembered something.
♦♦♦
"It's so pretty here, don't you think?" I said to Renji, who was standing right next to me.
We went on a trip today and after quite a while of driving, we finally arrived at the Shintō Shrine Kumano Nachi-Taisha and the Seigantoji temple.
The weather was beautiful, it was incredibly sunny even though it had rained earlier and we thought the weather would only get worse from there on.
Luckily we were wrong and the weather was amazing!
Over the past week we traveled to this place but stopped at various other places - we really wanted to travel through Japan.
So now we were here! Our highlight was the Nachi Falls that we were just about to witness.
It was a rather short but lovely trip, starting tomorrow we'd leave it all behind and go back to our normal, boring lives - but for now, we wanted to enjoy this beautiful sight.
"Yeah, it really is" Renji replied with a huge smile spread all over his face.
"I'm so glad I get to enjoy this with you" I said as I took his hand and intertwined our fingers.
He wasn't a big fan of public displays of affection but sometimes - especially during our trip - he let it slip and let me display my affection, which he gladly returned.
Those occasions were rare but it made me appreciate them more. And I mean.. I knew that he loved me, he didn't always have to display it.
Still, spending time with him was something very special to me.
While we could meet up more often nowadays, I preferred to be with him every day of every week. I just loved him so dearly. He was such an angel. And after all, he's been through I was just happy to see him smile.
"We're lucky, not many people are here today" Renji stated.
"You're right" I replied, "Let's go through the shrine and the temple - and then.. We could hike up to the waterfall!"
"You really want to go up there?"
"Of course! This might be our first and our last time visiting this place, we need to get the full deal"
"That might be illegal though"
"Who cares" I giggled.
He chuckled in return: "You weirdo"
"C'mon!" I said as I started walking towards the shrine.
Of course, we knew that this was a religious place and not just a random sightseeing object, so we stayed rather quiet during our way through those halls, barely talking but motioning.
It was really pretty and I was so glad to be enjoying this with the love of my life.
Or.. at least the only person that ever loved me back.. The one that gave me hope.. The one that healed my wounds without even knowing about it. The one I wanted to spend my life with.
After about half an hour we exited the shrine and that was when we first actually spotted the Nachi Falls.
"Wow, look at that, it's huge"
"Mmh" he agreed.
"There's a platform on which we should have the best view, right?"
"Yes - but it's not free"
"True.. but pleeease" I bat my eyelashes and then giggled.
Renji pulled out his money purse to check and then he smiled while nodding.
It was rare that I was this happy and excited - but.. I mean.. I barely saw anything during my entire life so far, so this was a very nice change.
Knowing that we had the money and that the weather was looking incredible right now, we decided to head to the platform right away. Again, it was really empty - no one was here .. probably because of the season. It was technically winter at the moment.. But we were lucky and it was quite warm today!
Once we stood on it and enjoyed our view, Renji wrapped his arms around me from behind, placed a soft kiss on my head/hair and then put his head on top of mine.
"I love you" he whispered.
It totally caught me off guard - in a positive way.
He wasn't the type of guy to tell you that he loves you, he preferred to show it.
But when he said it, he said it during random times when he was overwhelmed and wanted to make sure that you know that he loved you. Mainly during times when he was rather emotional.
So this was something special to me as well.
I turned around in his arms and glanced up at him.
"Awwh, I love you too" I said as I got on my tiptoes and kissed him softly and quickly - knowing that he didn't like too much public affection.
We were deeply in love with each other and this was our first short trip around Japan.
Our first vacation.
♦♦♦
Snapping out of my memory, I wrapped my arms around Renji rather tightly.
Tears were still running down my cheek.
The person - no, the version of me that I just saw, was so much different than from what I was like in my other flashback.
So much happier..
Full of.. Happiness.. And love.
We were really in love.. I wish we'd still be..
My head hurt like hell.
All these memories, all these weird flashbacks really wore me out, tired me and took all my power.
By now I was really regretting my choice of searching things from our past instead of learning.
Learning would've been just as bad, though.
In the end, both things were stressing me out.
Right now, I didn't even know what to think about what I just saw and remembered.
While I didn't doubt it, I was just so.. Confused once again. My brain didn't let me focus on one thing.
A variety of different emotions were running both through my thoughts and my heart.
One second my heart felt like it was about to shatter, a second later it was feeling as if it was on cloud nine. All these problems turned me to a complete mess.
Renji's arms were still around me and he was still rubbing my back - that was the only thing calming me down.
"I'm so tired" I mumbled, ".. so incredibly tired off all of this"
"I know, I understand" he tried to reassure me, "It'll get better, I promise"
Maybe he's right.. Maybe it will get better..
"I'm so sorry.." I whispered as I realized that I completely wet his shirt and wanted to back off a little.
"No.. don't be.. Especially not about my shirt" he replied.
I sobbed for a few more minutes before I slowly started calming down entirely.
Renji kept holding me and we both stayed silent, taking in each others near.
Calming down was quite difficult, but he was so calm and felt so warm, I couldn't help but relax in his arms.
Sure, I was still full of emotions but I managed to suppress them for now.
My heart was beating a lot slower by now, signalling that I was doing better now.
"Do you feel better?" Renji suddenly spoke.
"Yes, t-thank you"
Even though I felt a little better now, I still wanted to have his arms around me, I didn't want to move away but I knew we'd have to - finally - eat soon..
"Take it a little slower. You're very stressed. I don't want you to break down." he said with his eyes full of concern - he was being serious. He deeply cared.
I smiled a little, positively surprised by his words: "I will"
He made everything seem okay - even if it was just for a little while.
He, the one that scared me at first.
The one that saved me, promised to protect me and cared more than anyone else.
He, the one whose near I started craving, whose lips I sometimes still thought about because they're so very kissable and who felt like.. home.
Renji, the one I started to develop feelings for again.
•••
A/N: Reminder that you guys are still awesome! :3