SEOLHYUN
Sobra akong kinakabahan habang binubuksan ko tong envelope na may pangalan ko. I know who's handwriting is this! Kilalang-kilala ko sya.
Dear Angel,
Hi~ I bet right now you're already reading this letter. I just really hope napadala agad nila sayo to. Do you still remember when I defend you from our evil classmates? That was the first time I fell for you. Doon ko narealize na angels do exist. Do you still remember when we were young, we promised each other na kapag nasa right age na tayo doon na kita liligawan at sasagutin mo ko? Do you still remember that? I hope you do. I think I already granted that promise with you and I'm happy that I was able to love you without any regrets, ayun nga lang I wasn't able to hear your sweetest yes. But masaya na ako sa three years na nakasama kita. I can call myself the luckiest because after 6 years nahanap parin kita. I'm thankful that kahit na ilang beses mo na ko binasted you didn't find a way to be away from me. I know that in your heart, may soft part parin ako although I just don't really know if kilala mo pa nga ako. Angel I want to thank you for the love you had for me when we were young, wether its a fake or true love. I felt it. Ikaw yung dahilan kung bakit nakaabot ako hanggang ngayon. You're really the reason why starting that graduation day until now, I'm still breathing. Angel I hope in our next life, you'll fall for me already and embrace me so tight like you never wanna let me go. Thank you Angel for making me the happiest guy in the world. I will take this memory in the next life with me and I'll tell God how much I'm inlove with you so the next time we'll meet again, not just us will meet but also our hearts. I will miss you angel. I love you so much. By the way, my name is Kim Jiwon."
Fuck. Sobrang nanghihina ako. Sa pagtawag nya palang ng "angel" sakin hinang-hina na ako. Hindi ko alam kung anong dapat kong maramdaman ngayon. Matutuwa ba ako dahil sa wakas nakita ko ulit si Tokki o maiinis ako sa sarili ko dahil all this time si Jiwon pala yung batang nagtanggol sakin noon, yung naging kaibigan ko, yung first love ko..
Tinignan ko lahat ng nasa box. Mga regalo yung laman. Yung iba, gamit ko na hiningi ni Jiwon sakin nung bata pa kami. Sa paghahagilap ko sa laman ng box na to nakita ko yung favorite book ko. Yung kinuha ni Jiwon dahil ayaw na ayaw nyang basahin ko to. Ito yung book kung saan namatay yung guy sa bandang huli.
Bakit sinoli nya sakin yung mga binigay ko sa kanya? Ayaw nya na ba sakin? Sumuko na ba talaga sya?
Hindi!
Kailangan kong makita si Jiwon ngayon. Gusto kong sabihin sa kanya na sya parin yung laman ng puso ko. Hinding-hindi magbabago.
Kailangan kong bumawi sa lahat ng ginawa ko sa kanya noon, simula nung niligawan nya ako.
Kailangan ko syang makita ngayon, gustong gusto ko syang yakapin at sabihing pumapayag na akong maging girlfriend nya.
Nagmadali akong nagpalit ng damit ko, I went downstairs and I saw mama sitted on the couch.
"Anak saan ka pupunta?"
"Kila Jiwon po mama."
"Anak wala na si Jiwon sa bahay nila.."
U-umalis na sya? Nagpunta na naman ba sya sa ibang bansa dahil akala nya wala na syang pag-asa sakin?
"Kung ganun, sa airport po ako pupunta. Sigurado pong nandun pa sila..hindi pa naman po sila nakakaalis siguro dahil maaga pa mama." Sabi ko habang nagsusuot ng sapatos.
"Hindi anak, hindi.."
Hindi ko maintindihan si mama. Ano ba to? Pipigilan nya na ba kong makipagkita kay Jiwon dahil sa nangyari kahapon? Nung napahamak ako? Si Jiwon naman ang pupuntahan ko, hindi si Hanbin. Alam kong kapag si Jiwon ang kasama ko, sure akong safe ako sa kanya.
"Ma wag po kayong mag-alala, si Jiwon po ang pupuntahan ko. Magpapasalamat ako sa kanya sa pagsagip nya sakin mama."
"Anak.." Mama heave a deep sigh before looking at me. "Gusto mo ba talaga syang makita?"
Syempre! Gustong-gusto kong makita yung batang nagtanggol sa mga nambully sakin, yung una at nag-iisang kaibigan ko noon, yung first love ko..
Sabi sakin ni mama, alam nya daw kung nasan si Jiwon. Natuwa naman ako dahil si mama mismo ang magdadala sakin doon. Since marunong si mama magdrive at ako hindi, syempre sya ang nagdrive.
I feel excited to see Jiwon!
Kapag nakita ko talaga sya, baka hindi lang yakap ang magawa ko. Bigla kong naalala yung sweet moments namin nung bata kami.
"Angel.." Kinuha ni Jiwon yung kamay ko at hinawakan ng mahigpit. I smiled as I look at him. "Kapag wala ako dapat ingatan mo ang sarili mo ah? Wag kang mag-papaapi sa ibang tao kase not all the time kasama mo ako."
"I already learn how to be strong because of you Tokki. You're the one who made me strong." I said while looking at him.
"Really? Anyway.. Can you count the stars Angel?"
"Ofcourse I can't! That's too much kaya." Imposibleng mabilang ko tong stars. Ang dami kaya nyan!
"That's how much I love you.. Hindi mo mabibilang kahit gumamit ka pa ng hightech tools." Aish.
That made me pinch his nose tip and pecks it after. Minsan lang bumanat sk Tokki ng ganito pero sobrang lakas ng effect sakin. No wonder, this kid can definitely make me fall infinite times.
"We're here.." The car stopped in front of funeral home.
What happened? May nangyari ba sa parents ni Jiwon kaya nandito sya? Lumabas na kami ni mama sa kotse. She ask me to follow her kaya ginawa ko naman.
I think Jiwon definitely needs me right now. Maybe one of his family member is dead that's why kailangan nandito din sya.
Pagkapasok namin sa loob picture frame ni Jiwon yung nakita kong nakapatong sa table.
Bakit..
Parang hindi ko makita si Jiwon sa paligid?
Bakit..
Yung mommy nya iyak ng iyak?
Nakaramdam ako ng kaba pero patuloy ako sa paglalakad palapit sa coffin na nasa gitna.
My tears starts flowing when I finally get to see who's inside..
Kim Jiwon.
Bakit? Bakit sya yung nandito? Bakit.. Bakit hindi nya sinabi sakin? Bakit?
"His leukemia gone worst when he came back here. Last year, bumalik ulit yung sakit nya. We thought Jiwon's fully healed already pero hindi pa pala. He got stressed last two years kaya mas lalo pang lumala kondisyon nya. I told him to give up on you already but he didn't listen to me."
Me and his mom are both sitted in front of Jiwon's coffin. My tears wont stop flowing from my eyes. Sobrang sakit pero mas masakit pa yata yung lahat ng pinadama ko Jiwon simula nung niligawan nya ako.
"He told me hayaan ko sya sa bagay na nakakapagpasaya sa kanya. I know how you bring joy to our son since then Seolhyun. We can see it through his eyes..kaya when he asked me to let him do whatever he wants, I allowed him basta hindi lang makakasama sa health nya."
His mom's also crying habang nagkkwento sa akin. I can't help it..
"I thought letting him do what he wants will make him happy, hindi pala lahat. One time I saw Jiwon crying, I asked him why and he said he's so hurt, akala nya hindi ka na nya kayang pasayahin gaya ng dati, nung mga bata pa kayo."
I suddenly remember everything..
Lahat ng kasamaang ginawa ko kay Jiwon sa loob ng tatlong taong panliligaw nya sakin. Isa pang pinakamalalang nasabi ko sa kanya.. I wished him die.
"I was hurt.. You know moms can also feel what their son or daughter can feel right. Ramdam ko yung sakit na nararamdaman ni Jiwon that time. Ako mismo na mother nya, I can't even make him happy all because you were the one whose his happiness."
Nagpupunas lang ng luha nya ang mommy ni Jiwon. Nakikita ko yun sa peripheral vision ko.
"You know what, last night Jiwon came home so happy. He was smiling from his ear to ear. He told me may nagawa syang magandang bagay sayo, he helped you from someone. I was happy for him too but suddenly bigla nalang syang nahimatay kaya sinugod namin sya sa hospital. He got confined for about 1-2 hours, he woke up and he told me how much he loves you Seolhyun. Even from his last breath my son keeps on calling your name, saying he loves you so much and he'll always guide you."
Napapikit ako. I imagine Jiwon just the way how his mom describe him dying last night and calling me out even from his last breath.
"I can tell that my son loves you so much Seolhyun. Imagine, you two met in school right? He saved you from those brat girls and now before he die, he saved you from someone again."
I got surprised when Mrs. Kim held my hand and squeeze it. I look at her sincerely.
"Thank you for being the reason why my son's life extended. Noong sinave ka nya sa mga nang-away sayo noon, he was diagnosed and the doctor said he'll die at his young age. Jiwon survived longer all because he have you."
His mom pulled me for a tight hug.
And with that, I bursted out crying again.
I can feel his mom's pain. I can feel the mourning and sorrow of a mother who just lost her son.
Jiwon bakit ka ganyan? Bakit nilihim mo sakin lahat ng ito? Bakit ngayon ko lang nalalaman lahat to? You're too unfair Tokki!
Lumapit ulit ako sa coffin ni Jiwon at hinawakan yung glass na naghaharang para mahawakan ko sya ng tuluyan.
"Napaka-unfair mo Tokki.. After saving me you'll end up being like this? Hindi pa nga ako nakakapagpasalamat sayo eh. Hindi pa kita sinasagot. Hindi mo pa nakukuha yung matamis kong oo na gusto mong marinig. Hindi pa tayo nagkakaroon ng forever."
I don't care kung anong sabihin ng iba dito. Dito lang ako sa tabi ni Jiwon.
Ang dami ko palang sinayang na oras.
Ang dami kong sinayang na panahon.
Yung oras na dapat inubos ko sa kanya.
Yung panahon na dapat binigay ko sa kanya.
Sana pala binigyan ko sya ng chance.
Sana pala kahit na hindi sya nagpakilala bilang Tokki, kinaibigan ko parin sya.
Sana pala hindi ko sya trinato ng ganun kasama.
Naging sobrang sama ko kay Jiwon simula nung nanliligaw sya hanggang sa mga araw na natitira sa buhay nya. Halos lahat ng ginawa ko sa kanya noon lahat bumabalik ngayon.
Tama nga yung sinabi sakin ni Jiwon..about Hanbin.
Totoong hindi ako minahal ni Hanbin. Nabulag lang siguro ako. Yung taong totoong nagmamahal sa akin, si Jiwon yun at wala nang iba pa. Sana pala si Jiwon nalang yung sinagot ko. Bakit ba ako nagpadala kay Hanbin? Bakit kung sino pa yung may mabuting motibo, sya pa yung napasama.
Magang-maga na yung mata ko kakaiyak dito. Wala akong pakialam kahit na ilang tao na ang dumaan para makita si Jiwon at ako dito umiiyak sa harap nya.
I regret everything.
I really don't know why regret is the tallest of all. Lagi nalang syang nasa huli. Kung kailan wala na, doon ko naramdaman kung gaano ko kamahal si Jiwon. Oo, hindi naman nawala at hinding-hindi mawawala.
Nung medyo dumadami na ang bumibisita kay Jiwon, nagpunas ako ng luha ko. Lumabas muna ako para magpahangin.
Siguro dito nalang muna ako the whole day. Ayokong iwan si Jiwon. Kahit ito lang, dahil ito nalang pwede kong gawin kay Jiwon.
Nang makarating na ko sa labas, may nakita akong rabbit na nasa gitna ng daan.
Ang cute nya!
I didn't hesitate and approaches it.
"Hi bakit nandyan ka sa gitna? Alam mo bang pwede kang masagasaan ngayon? Pasaway ka. Para kang si Jiwon, naku pag namatay ka gaya ni Jiwon iiyak yung nililigawan mo."
Binuhat ko yung rabbit para bumalik ulit sa tapat ng funeral home, di ko namalayan, may paparating na bus na sobrang bilis ng pag-andar..
"Jiwon you really do love me."
END