I lie awake with Ashton, nothing but the sounds of rain against his bedroom window dill his room. It had been a nice party-- what we had seen of it anyway, mostly our little group stayed hidden away in Ashton's room.
"Tell me to stay," Ashton says for about the hundredth time, lacing our fingers together.
"You know I'm not going to do that Ashton.."
"I know," he breathes out over the back of my neck, "I just thought if I asked you enough, you'd eventually cave."
"Do you want to stay?" I ask.
He pauses for a long time.
"Honestly.. I'm terrified to leave.." he finally says, "But.. I'm even more terrified not to try."
I turn around so I can face him. I place my hand on the side of his face comfortingly.
"I love you Ashton Irwin."
I see him smile, "I love you too."
"Hey," he says after a moment, "can you do something for me?"
"Well that depends.." I say.
"Will you come to the airport with us?"
I take a second to think. Could I handle that? Could I handle watching the potential love of my life take off for good?
He watches me intently.. For him, I could do anything.
"Of course I will."
------------------
It was Saturday. The boys were busy packing. We should've already said our good-byes. That's what Friday was for. Why did I insist on pro-longing this? Why did I agree to say good-bye at the airport.
"Emily.." I say, watching as she flips through an old photo album on my desk, "how do I do this? How am I supposed to do this?"
She looks up from the photo album confused. My outburst had come from nowhere. I was trying not to burden anyone with my thoughts-- but I couldn't hold them in any longer. I dropped to the ground, and found it hard to breathe.
Emily was by my side in seconds.
"Breathe," she says, patting my back for comfort.
"How do I do this?" I manage to say, catching my breath, "please tell me.."
She looks me in the eyes, "It's going to be hard," she tells me, "really hard.. but, even though we have to let them go, they're always going to be such a big part of our lives.. no matter what."
I grab her hand with mine and squeeze it.
"Calum and I broke up." She says, and my heart sinks for her.
"I'm so sorry..." I tell her, finally gaining some composure.
"Thanks," she says, "we decided it was for the best.. We love each other, but we also don't want to hold each other back.. everything happens for a reason. I have to believe that. Besides, I have some pretty awesome people to help me through it."
I smile at her. She was right, as usual.
I could tell Ashton to stay if I really wanted to.. and the thing is, he probably would.. but I would be holding him back. I would be stopping him from reaching his dreams.. and I would never forgive myself for that.
Everything happens for a reason. I guess I have to believe that too.
------------------------
"Indie, chill out," Lana says, as I attempt to power-walk in front of her and Emily, "we have time!" she calls after me.
Time --I think... why is there never enough time?
I speed past families, children and businessmen to make it to the boarding gate where the boys are.
From the moment I woke up, I had been dreading this whole thing.. but I decided on a new approach. Like a bandaid. If I can get the hugs and good-byes out of the way, I can leave... just get it over with.
Emily and Lana finally catch up to me.
"Indie," Emily says, "It's not as simple as saying good-bye.." she tries to tell me.
I don't listen. Of course it's that simple. Because anything more complicated than that, might be physically and mentally impossible to come back from..
"Look who it is!" I see Michael stand from the seat he was occupying, and make his way over to us.
They had been looking very relaxed in their chairs, listening to music.. barely nervous at all.
Michael wraps me in a big bear hug, and I hug him back just as enthusiastically, before letting him go to hug someone else.
"Hey," Luke says, walking over to us.
Calum makes his way straight for Emily, and I notice Ashton stares out to the plane from the window.
"Hi," I say to Luke, hugging him tightly, "how long before you leave?"
He checks his watch, "we board in about ten minutes..."
My heart drops. There it is again. Time...
I have to physically control my breathing... because I know if I don't I'll break down, right here, right now.
"Oh..." I say, "wow.. that's soon.."
"Yeah.." Luke says, scratching the back of his neck awkwardly.
I feel the tears in my eyes. It's unavoidable.
"Don't.." Luke says, "If you start, I'll start.."
I try to smile at him, but it falters.. so does his.
He wraps me in his arms again.
"Thanks," he tells me, "for everything.."
I let him go.
"You are going to take on the world Hemmings," I say through tear-filled eyes, "enjoy it."
"My turn," Calum says, pulling me in for a hug.
"I know you and Em broke up," I say, still wrapped up in the hug, "but you guys are so perfect for each other.. please don't break her heart.."
He lets go from the hug.
"Never." He smiles at me, before moving back to Emily.
"Michael.." I say, walking over to him.
"I can't believe this is it," He tells me, his bright smile suddenly faulting, wrapping me in his arms again, though slightly less enthusiastically this time.
"I know.." I say, "I'm going to miss you guys."
He pulls away from me and smiles.
The boys continue to say good-bye to Emily and Lana. There's a woman on a speaker above us, calling out for the first lot of the plane to board.
I look at Ashton. He hasn't moved since we got here.
Bandaid, bandaid, bandaid.....
"Hey," I say, placing my arm on his shoulder.
He turns to me, with teary eyes.
Ashton deserves more than my bandaid theory...
"Tell me to stay..." He asks, "tell me.."
I stare into his beautiful sad hazel eyes. Every ounce of me was screaming to tell him to stay. Of course I wanted him to stay. I wanted to be with him forever. I know I'm an ignorant seventeen year old, I know love doesn't last, I know I'm young and stupid... but Ashton and I have defied the odds time and time again. He was my one... He would always be my one..
"Ashton Fletcher Irwin..." I say, "I don't want you to stay."
He pulls me into his chest tightly. I let my tears spill onto his shirt.
This was real. This was really happening. I was going to let the love of my life leave me forever...
"Thank-you.." he says..
"Now," I say, pulling away from him, "get on that plane, follow your dreams.. and never look back.."
He takes my hand in his.
"Come on mate," I hear Michael say, it's their turn to board..
"You have to go.." I tell him, unable to contain my emotions.
He pulls me into him, and attaches his lips to mine. He lingers, and I savour every second of this kiss... our last kiss...
"This is it.." He says, wiping tears from his own face.
I give him one last hug.
"It's time." Luke says.
Hesitantly, Ashton lets go and makes his way to his other band members. Emily and Lana join me on the opposite side.
We watch as the four boys we love, walk towards their future... their new lives..
Ashton turns around for the briefest of moments and waves to me. I smile at him, and watch him leave.
"That's it..." I say.. "they're gone.."
I watch as the boy I love enters into a new life. A new world. A new opportunity, full of so much potential.
"We actually let them go.." Emily says to me, leaning her head against my shoulder.
"We did.." I tell her, managing the weakest of smiles, "because we love them.. and when you love someone, you set them free.."