"Blake no you can't come in here."
"Gwen baby come on what going on? I'm not going anywhere so you might as well let me in."
I hear the door lock pop and the door slowly cracks. My heart breaks as I see her sitting on the floor in front of the sinks. Her face is buried in her hand resting on her knees. Seeing her bawled up like this tears falling and sobs wracking her body breaks me as I feel the tears well up in my own eyes. I bend and sit down beside her. I don't ask questions or push her, instead I pull her into my lap and just hold her. Her head falls to my chest, her face buried, fists clenching my shirt. I can feel my shirt becoming wet with her tears. I wrap my arms around her holding her tight to my chest. I'm rocking her slightly like I have seen her do so many times with a crying Apollo to sooth and clam him, hoping that it will have the same effect on her.
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Gwen's POV
He has been sitting here for who knows how long holding me, rocking me, telling me everything is going to be ok, that's he is here, and I'm safe. Finally I feel the tears subsiding, the sobs having stopped a little bit ago. I pull away slightly, just enough to wipe my eye and readjust myself in his lap to a more comfortable position. As the tears have stopped I feel him start to say something and then hesitate, before deciding to go ahead...
"Gwen tell me what happened? What's wrong? Your scaring me sunshine."
"Blake.." my voice breaks as I grip him tight "I... I.. I lost the baby. Blake I'm so sorry. The baby...." I break into sobs yet again.
I feel him tense when I tell him. I feel the sob threaten to break his composure, but he fights it. He holds it together for me because I'm so broken. This man loves me so much he sets aside his feelings, his need to grieve, his need to cope all in order to take care of me. What I did to deserve him I don't know. Just like I don't know what we did to deserve this devastation. Haven't we been through enough? Haven't we had to deal with enough loss? Hasn't life thrown enough shit our way? I don't understand.
"Shhhh, Gwen I'm right here. I know right now this seems to big but we will get through this. We have to...for the boys."
I feel him take his cellphone out of his pocket and hear him typing. I feel the vibration letting me know that whoever he text responded.
"Gwen I text Jen. She is coming to get the boys."
"Blake I.... I can't.."
"Shhh Gwen she isn't coming up here she is gonna text me before they leave. I'm gonna go down and talk to the boys and then you and I are going to the doctor to get everything checked out. Ok?"
"You can't leave me Blake. Please don't leave me." I cry out
"Shhh I'm not going anywhere sunshine. I'm not leaving you." His arms tighten around me as I hear the familiar ring of FaceTime.
"King hey buddy. aunt Jen is coming to get you and your brothers, ok? Can u bring your brothers over to the iPad. Hi boys look, momma doesn't feel very good and right now she needs me to help take care of her so you guys are gonna go hangout with uncle Todd and aunt Jen ok?.." they must nod as he goes on "everything is gonna be ok and I'll be there to get you before bed."
"Blake is mommy gonna be ok?" I hear Zuma ask worried laced through his voice.
"Mommy will be ok Zuma I promise. I'm gonna take good care of her alright. I expect you boys to help me take care of her by being my good boys while your at uncles Todd's.
I need you boys to be big strong boys for me."
"I be big boy Blakey. Blakey kiss momma." Apollo says
"I'll give her a kiss for you, little man. Alright aunt Jen should be here soon so get you shoes and coats on. King help Apollo please."
"I will. Tell mommy we love her and to get better. Love you Blake."
"Love you buddy." He ends the call placing the phone on the floor wrapping that arm around me
We sit there till we hear Jen come and take the boys. He starts to shift under me and I tighten my grip on him. I can't separate from him yet, he is the only thing holding me together.
"Let's move to the bed Gwen. It's not good to sit on this hard floor"
Just then a shiver runs through my body.
"Plus it's a lot colder down here on the floor."
He shifts out from underneath me and picks me up carrying me to the bed.
"Gwen here unlock your phone so I can the number to the doctor. We need to get you in today."
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Next thing I know we are leaving the doctor, our nightmare confirmed. We lost our baby. My heart is literally broken. Blake and I sat there while the doctor talked, both of us crying. We held each other after she left to give us a minute, neither wanting to let go. As we leave the office hand in hand I look at Blake's tear stained face and it feels like I have fallen back into that hole. I mean what were we thinking that we could meet as the most perfect time in our lives to save each other and live happily ever after? This isn't a movie or a song, it's real life and real life just keeps raining down.
"Blake can we go get the boys?"
"Are you sure Gwen? If you need more time we can get them after dinner."
"I really just need my babies right now."
"Ok we can stop and get pizza for dinner."
"Yeah that sounds good a movie night."
I reach across the center console for Blake's hand.
"It's not fair. We have been through so much and we finally got to a happy place and then this happens. I finally felt happy content with where life was going."
"I know sunshine. I'm not sure why we are going through this but I have to believe there is a bigger plan."
His thumb is stroking the top of my hand. I close eyes and try to focus on that rather than on this nightmare. The need to hold my babies is so strong I'm having a hard time sitting still. I open my eyes again as we pull into Todd's drive way. We just sit there for a minute looking at each other, knowing the moment we have the boys with us we can't be sad and upset. His hand reaches up and caresses my cheek. Tears begin to fall again from both of our eyes.
"We are going to be ok Gwen right? Please don't leave me. I can't loose you."
The fear is laced through his voice, shown through eyes, and felt in the tension wrapped in his body. If my heart wasn't broken into the smallest pieces, it is now. It's my turn to hold him. I crawl across the console and sit in his lap. I wrap my arms around him and hold him tight to me as he breaks. Sobs wreck his body and I just hold him. I sit there holding him until he begins to calm and the sobs subside. I pull back and my hands go to his cheeks, stroking them with my thumbs.
"Blake I don't know why this is happening to us and it's not fair, but I would never leave you because of this. It's not your fault, if anyone can be blamed it me. I'm the one who was carrying the baby not you." I look down taking my hands off his face.
Hi finger comes under my chin and lifts it to lock his lips with mine. It was a dirty or sloppy kiss, but one that tells the other that you love them no matter what happens. It reassures the other your not going anywhere. We finally break our lips and I lean my head against his chest arms wrapped around his waist, his arms wrapped around me and his head on top of my head. We stay there for a minute before Blake breaks the silence.
"Sunshine look."
I look toward to house where Blake is pointing and all I see is three little heads poking out clearly waiting for us and wondering why we haven't come in yet. We both laugh and begin getting out of the car to go get our boys.