Two weeks have passed since Jeff's high school reunion, which no doubt will be remembered by his classmates simply as 'the incident', and he's still trying to figure out exactly what happened. At present, his head feels like a snow globe that has been firmly ensconced in a paint mixer for the better part of a day. It's cloudy, messy and will take a while for everything to settle. There's a fine line between a breakthrough and a breakdown and right now it's anyone's guess as to which side of that line Jeff has landed.
Ashley's insistence that he undertake these bold new adventures and discuss them on a video blog had a certain appeal to it. Anything that frames him as more bold and daring and less cowering under his bed like a puppy in a thunderstorm is certainly welcome. But like communism, hot yoga, and deep fried Snickers bars, this might be another in the long list of things that are good only in theory.
And so Jeff feels like he is at a crossroads as he sits and stares at his laptop's webcam. Much like a combatant sizing up his foe, he must decided to either engage or leave the battle for another day. With an all-too-familiar sigh of resignation, Jeff clicks the record button and his image appears on the screen.
I once asked a co-worker how his performance review went and he said "They literally fucked me up the ass!" As my performance review was scheduled next, I was really hoping he simply misused the word 'literally'. Although I couldn't fight the curiosity as to how exactly a performance review would take that particular turn. 'Well Bill, you failed to meet your sales quota for the third straight quarter, I think you know what happens now.' I'll bet this happens more than we realize – misusing phrases, not employment related sodomy. We toss around words and phrases without really understanding what they mean. Then one day we wake up to realize just how important these once seemingly abstract concepts can be in our lives. I recently had this kind of awakening which started, not surprisingly, in the bar with my friends.
*********************
At their regular table in the Cedar Room, Louie and Jeff sit with an almost trance-like fixation on something unfolding directly in front of them. At first glance it's unclear if they are watching in silent judgement or are just completely engrossed in whatever is happening in front of them. Their concentration is such that they don't even notice when a completely exasperated Ashley plops herself down at the table.
"Anyone know where I can find a good caterer on short notice? Maybe one who won't back out just because his father needs a kidney." Had they been paying the slightest amount of attention, the guys would have picked up on the fact that Ashely used air quotes for "father needs a kidney."
Jeff and Louie wave her off and shush her. "Niko's doing the thing again," Louie says, completely oblivious to the fact this raises more questions than it answers.
In a half-hearted attempt to clue her in, Jeff gestures with his head towards Niko who is sitting at a nearby table with Marlene, a stunningly beautiful mid-twenties woman with jet black hair and emerald green eyes. Ashley knows she will soon regret this but nevertheless, she scoots her chair a little closer to listen in to what Niko is saying.
"I remember how she left me on a stormy night. She kissed me and got out of our bed."
Niko delivers the words with the earnestness and sincerity of a deathbed confessional. Marlene squeezes his arm in a show of support.
"And though I pleaded and I begged her not to walk out that door..." he pauses to maintain his composure. "She packed her bags and turned right away."
"Oh, you poor thing."
"And she kept on telling me..." He's choking up now. He tries again. "She kept on telling me..." And again. "She kept on telling me I want you, I need you but...there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you."
Marlene is close to heartbroken for him. She sighs audibly.
"No, don't be sad." Niko laughs through his mock pain. "'cause two out of three ain't bad."
Marlene give him a long comforting embrace. This would have been a tender and moving moment between two people sharing a real human connection if it weren't complete horseshit. And just as Ashley is certain she's seen rock bottom in male dating douchebaggery, Niko looks over to the gang and gives them a little wink. When Marlene goes up to the bar to get more drinks, Niko pulls his chair up to their table. Ashley cannot hold her tongue.
"You are such a lying pig!"
"Don't hate the player, hate the overwrought yet haunting lyrics of one Jim Steinman. It's one of the advantages of dating younger women. They're mostly oblivious to all music BT."
Ashley turns to the others to see if this makes sense to them.
"Before Timberlake," Louie clarifies.
"Jeff you gotta get in on this younger women action,"Niko says.
Louie gets a certain look in his eye and swiftly removes himself from the table. He hurriedly makes his way to the bar.
"Yeah, I don't know if that's really for me," Jeff says in mild protest.
"What happened to taking on bold new adventures?" Niko presses. "You have never dated outside your birth year in your life. Get out there. Go meet a hot chick in her twenties."
Jeff turns to Ashley with a question in his eyes. She freezes. She knows exactly what the question is but she isn't sure how she should respond. After what seems like an eternity..."While I can't condone the deception and misogyny of Niko's approach, I think it would be good for you get some practice in getting out of your comfort zone."
Jeff looks over and sees Katie, an attractive woman in her early twenties sitting at a table enjoying a book and a glass of red wine. Jeff gets up from the table and makes his way over to her.
"Can I just say that...yeah I might have chased a couple women around but all that ever got me was down. Then there those who made me feel good but never as good as I feel right now."
"Are you trying to pick me up with Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers lyrics?"
Jeff is floored. "You know that song?"
"The Waiting, first track on side one off their 1981 album Hard Promises. No, never heard of it."
Jeff is humiliated and speechless.
"Can I ask you something?" Katie continues. "Has that trick ever worked for you?"
"Well this is the first time I've tried it so I'm guessing that answer is going to be no."
"For future reference, your ice-breaking skills are absolutely atrocious..."
Jeff nods in shame and is about to slink back to his table when Katie pushes out the chair opposite her.
"...but you have excellent taste in music."
Jeff smiles as he takes the seat. He just stares into her eyes with a dumb grin on his face.
"This is where you should tell me your name," she says.
"Oh, right. I'm Jeff."
"Nice to meet you Jeff, I'm Katie."
In the background, a woman at the bar slaps Louie across the face and dumps her drink over his head. Louie slowly walks back to his table where Niko cannot hide his smirk.
"You used I Touch Myself again didn't you?"Niko says.
"How are they not flattered by that?!?"
*********************
Minutes later, Niko walks out of the pub and sees Tanya, a gorgeous blonde woman who appears distressed. She is on her phone and looking around for something. Niko sidles up beside her.
"You are way too pretty to look that distressed."
"I'm almost there, I gotta go." To Niko. "I'm looking for something."
"I think you found it."
"I'm looking for a place, actually. The Cedar Room."
Niko points to the Cedar Room sign behind her. "Like I said."
She looks behind her and smiles in embarrassment.
"Looks like the fates delivered you where you were supposed to be all along. Should we go inside and toast to the fates?"
"I'd love to but I'm here to meet someone for an appointment."
"Drinks another day then?"
"Wow, you're not short on confidence are you? Does that usually work for you?
"You tell me." Niko hands her his cellphone so she can enter her name and phone number.
She can't fight back a smile as she enters the info and hands it back to him.
"Tanya. I'm Nicholas." He takes her hand in his. "Until we meet again." He kisses her hand it.
*********************
On most days, apartment 9C at 325 Everwood Drive would not be considered presentable even under the most generous interpretation. This should not come as a complete surprise given it has recently become the domain of two single men in their 40's. In a plot point taken straight out The Odd Couple, ever since Jeff found himself single again, he has been living in his best friend's spare room. Of course, what the Neil Simon classic had that this situation does not is a Felix Unger. That's not to say that both Niko and Jeff are Oscars, they just don't make cleanliness their number one priorities. They are more like Oscar-lites.
Of course, this is no ordinary day; this is Sunday brunch day. The tradition started some years back when the guys were in desperate need of a really good hangover cure. They felt that top quality eggs Benedict and pancakes should not only be for women and gay men. Straight men should be able to enjoy a good Sunday brunch without judgemental gazes falling upon them. Of course, getting in to a good brunch place is near impossible on account of all the women and gays so they decided to gather at Niko's.
The first step in the Sunday brunch routine is making sure the place is clean, genuinely clean. This has been most appreciated by Ashley who has been a recent addition to the Sunday routine.
Jeff comes out from the kitchen carrying a piping hot quiche which he sets down on the middle of the dining room table. Niko is laying out the cutlery just as Ashley enters through the apartment door.
"Okay what floral arrangement goes best with a champagne and hot hors d'oeuvres social?"
Jeff and Niko stare blankly at Ashley.
"This is one of those times when it sucks having all guy friends."
"You're welcome. It's our pleasure having you for brunch," Niko says with just enough sarcasm to make his point.
"Don't get your panties in a bunch. I'm having my annual gathering for my clients next week and everything needs to be perfect. I get most of my business from client referrals so if my clients are well fed and happy, my bank account is well fed and happy."
Louie enters the apartment. Niko looks over and sees they are empty-handed.
"And you don't have bagels because..."
"Oh shit! The bagels, I forgot. And why is it, by the way, I always have to bring the bagels. Is because I'm Jewish?"
"You're a quarter Jewish and you've never stepped inside a Synagogue in your life. I'll tell you what, you can play the Jewish card when you can name one Book of the Old Testament."
Louie's brain starts whirring. "The Jungle Book?"
"Exactly. And to answer your question, it's because you live right next to the good bagel place. How could you forget in that short of trip?"
"I ran into McNulty, you remember him from middle school? Anyway we were chatting and catching up. It's ironic because I was wondering what was up to just the other day.
"Coincidental."
Louie is lost for a moment. "What?"
"You said ironic but you really meant coincidental."
Louie rolls his eyes. "Here we go with the grammar police."
"I'm not the grammar police," Niko protests.
He really is the grammar police. As a teacher, he considers himself the great defender of the Queen's English. What I've discovered is no matter how cool and aloof someone might be on the outside, deep inside everyone is geek about something. Some may be punctuality geeks, others may be fact geeks, Niko is a grammar geek. He can't help himself, he will correct people's misuse of the language no matter the consequences.
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Niko and Melanie, 31, a pretty brunette, are rolling around in bed.
"Oh my God. Oh, you are amazing. You've done this before,"he blurts out.
"What are you inferring, Niko? I'm not as innocent as you thought?"
Suddenly, Niko's' expression turns more serious.
"Implying."
"What?"
You said inferring but you meant implying. See since I'm the one who said it, I would be implying you are not innocent. And since you're the one who interpreted what I said, you would be inferring my meaning."
Melanie stops. Are you correcting my grammar while you're inside me???
"Is that a problem?"
"We're done here."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeff looks at his cell phone and makes a face. "What is going on with this girl? She's got me texting and every time I make a joke she writes back and says L-O-L. Why would she do that?
Niko and Ashley exchange a look.
"So are you two going to go out on a real date?" Ashley asks.
Niko jumps in before Jeff can answer, "That's not going to happen. This is Jeff Dempsey and he's going to let his hang-ups over their age difference bugger this thing up before it begins.
Jeff picks up his cell phone and reads out loud as he texts.
"Meet you Friday at 8." Jeff looks up with a smug and satisfied look on his face. "There, was that the action of someone who's going to bugger this up?"
Niko holds up his phone. "You just sent that to me so I'll let you answer that."
*********************
Jeff sits alone at a small table for two in a quiet dessert cafe. He is staring at the front door and occasionally glances at his watch.
Jeff's cell phone buzzes indicating a text message. He looks at it. It reads: IMS stk N mtg. ChoP b@ *$ N10 followed by a series of frowny face emojis. Anyone half Jeff's age would understand this meant"I am sorry, was stuck in a meeting, change of plans, be at Starbucks in 10 minutes)
Jeff looks at it like it's Mandarin. He then responds: No problem, sounds good.
Thirty minutes later Jeff impatiently fidgets with the silverware. His cell phone buzzes again with another TM. It reads: ?RU followed by more emojis conveying confusion, exasperation, and overall silliness.
Jeff responds: Where are you?
Katie responds: HN (here now)
Jeff responds: Are you coming soon? How long should I wait?
Katie responds: IMHN ?RU (I am here now, where are you?) this time followed by even more emojis.
Jeff: Okay, I'll wait here a little longer.
Katie responds: WTF????
Jeff is getting frustrated. "What is she saying?"
Jeff looks around and sees a couple out for dessert with their two teenage daughters. He approaches their table.
"I'm terribly sorry to interrupt your dessert, I was just wondering if I might be able to borrow one of your daughters for just a bit?"
"Excuse me?"
"They're both fairly young so either one will do."
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"Oh no, no, no. Don't get the wrong idea. I just want to show them something on my phone."
The next thing Jeff knows is he is being escorted out by a burly waiter and shoved out on the street. Jeff screams inside through the closed door.
"I just want to know - what the fuck does WTF mean?!?
*********************
The lights in the apartment have been turned down to cruising level as Niko and Tanya sit together on the sofa. Niko tops up her glass of red wine.
"If I didn't know better I'd say you were trying to get me drunk.
Niko feigns shock. "Why would you think that?"
"It's just my pattern with men. I always seem drawn to the alpha male types who just want to get me into bed then never call again."
"Men can be such jerks."
"But I'm seeing somebody about it and she's helping me establish boundaries. You know, if this was before I started my sessions with her, we'd already be in your bedroom right now.
"Really?"
"Oh yeah. I would have felt the need to win your affection by giving in to your every dark and twisted sexual desire."
Niko is in actual pain now. He does his best to conceal his agony.
"But it's like she always says about the bad boys - If you give in to the heat, you'll end up getting burned.
"Well I don't see any bad boys here tonight. Do you?"
"No."
Niko scoots over a little closer to her.
"It's just me and you..."
At that precise moment, Jeff comes barging in through the apartment door.
"...and my roommate Jeff."
"That was a total disaster. Did you ever have a night with such high hopes that just crashed and burned in a colossal way?"
Whatever romantic vibe Niko had so carefully crafted has disappeared in a flash. Tanya feels it immediately.
"I should probably get going," she offers.
"Yeah, I think I can picture it."
Niko walks Tanya to the door.
"Maybe we can pick up where we left off another night.
"I'd like that."
Niko smiles as he closes the door then spins around on Jeff. "Thank you for that."
Jeff all but ignores that last comment.
"I don't know if I can date these younger women."
"They communicate almost entirely in happy faces and unintelligible writing. For the life of me, I can't understand.
"Give me your phone."
Jeff hands him his cellphone. Niko takes it and starts frigging with it.
"Looks like I have to Jeff-proof this for you."
"We tried to meet up but we just couldn't connect. She's going to think I'm either a jerk or an idiot."
Niko hands Jeff's phone back to him. It starts buzzing then a robotic female voice starts speaking from the phone.
New text message from Niko. Message. This program will translate and read out all of your text messages and emojis. Laughing out loud. Smilie Face.
Jeff looks on in amazement.
"Laughing out loud! Who could possibly have known that?
The phones buzzes again. "Text from Niko - Embarrassed face."
"Jeff proof."
*********************
The following evening Louie, Niko and Ashley sit at their usual Cedar room table. Louie looks at his watch.
"It's ironic. Jeff's usually the first one here.
"For the love all that is Holy and Sacred, that doesn't make it ironic. That makes it unusual. For something to be ironic, the outcome has to mock the intent."
"Well then I still don't get it."
"An Oracle tells Oedipus he will kill his father and marry his mother. This freaks him out so much he flees his hometown. Along this new journey, he kills someone who he thinks is a stranger. This turns out to be his father and the ensuing chain of events leads to him marrying his mother, although he doesn't know it at the time. The act of fleeing his hometown was supposed to prevent this horrible fate from happening but instead it is what caused it. That is ironic.
Louie stares at him blankly for a few seconds. "That's just sick!"
Jeff arrives and sits down at the table but his body language is dejected and defeated.
"What's the matter with you?" Ashley asks.
"I may have blown it with Katie."
"I'm sure it's not as bad as you think."
"OK, so you know how Katie and I have been texting back-and-forth? That's the only way we communicate and the other day, I drop my phone in the tub. So I had to do the bag of rice thing and I was without my phone for a couple of days. And then I realized if she sent me some text, she's going to think I'm not responding to her or I'm just blowing her off, so I had to find a way to get a hold of her.
"So you just left her a Facebook message?" Ashley says hopefully.
"I would have done that but we're not Facebook friends so I just went and googled her name and found out that she had posted to a violinist online group."
"Please tell me that's all you did." Niko says.
"Well I figured I would just leave her a message on the message board or maybe I could, you know, send her a direct message. But as it turns out, you can't message somebody in this group unless you yourself are a member."
Niko continues to be horrified. "Oh no, please tell me you didn't..."
"So I joined the group as a member just so I could send her a message and explain. So I said, 'Hey I dropped my phone in some water. If you're trying to get a hold of me, I'm not blowing you off."
"So you cyber-stalked her?" Ashley clarifies.
"No I used basic online investigative techniques to track her down, find out a private club she's a part of and then i posed as a member of that club and contacted her..." Jeff stops mid sentence, a light has just gone on for him. "Oh OK I see it now yeah, I cyber-stalked her."
"I think you should sit in on a session with my client when we talk about boundaries. Ashley looks up and sees the client coming through the door. "And there she is now." Ashley gets up and goes over to greet her client.
"Don't worry buddy. We're not going anywhere until we figure this out.
Niko looks up and sees Ashley with her client, which turns out to be Tanya. His face goes white. He stands up.
"Okay, we're outta here."
"What happened to no-
Niko grabs Jeff by the arms and starts pulling him along. "Shut up and move your ass!"