We both have a war inside of us that will either destroy us or make us stronger.
Neither of these things happened. We weren't destroyed, we weren't growing back stronger. We were crushed. Caused by the explosion and the gun down, we give up. Not wanting to try. Not knowing what the right or wrong thing to do is.
It frustrates you.
It brings me to tears of remorse.
It brings me to hatred, to uncontrolled joy.
It makes you uneasy and vulnerable.
We can't say one word to each other without bringing back the past. The unfaded memories that linger through my every thought. The way we danced in front of my uncleaned mirrors. The confidence you had when we were together. The way you'd just hold me and tickle me, and now. Everything's gone.
It's all my fault and I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I could quote a million songs right now. The one that we both sung daily. The song still breaks my heart. This time not for the first reason but the newly grown.
I miss calling you mine.
I miss you.
So much. It hurts.
Things haven't truly sunk in yet.
The realization of what has happened between us, lengthens between every breathe and every strike of sorrow that crosses through.
I don't understand but I do. I know how things ended left me infuriated. Infuriated at no one other then myself.
How is it that I always seem to make that extra effort to push away those I care for. I don't deserve anyone. No one should be put through the pain and agony of parting from someone who doesn't care. They should be set free, the way you broke free. You fly off into the distance, leaving a trail of oblivious breaks. That war inside of you is gone. The bomb has exploded and you're now your true self.
Everything in the past has faded and you forget. No more are we at war. No more are we fighting for strength. We let go. We let go of everything and it's the end.
I wish there was no begining.
I wish there was no fight.
I honestly wish that the hawk just flew away and left the rabbits alone. But the rabbits are dead. Transformed into pieces of a sacred heart. An eagle has risen and flown. A catapillar has gathered it's cocoon, hoping that one day soon. She will be a butterfly again.