--- Trigger warning: Mentions of suicide/graphic ---
I should have called
Waking up on that mild March Monday morning, I expected nothing different than the groggy early start post-weekend. I expected to go to work for a few hours, then, once I finished my morning shift, to go back home and have a sandwich before retiring to my computer to watch YouTube and listen to some music.
I had spent the last few weeks helping Chris with his musical: helping to write and record, watching Guy produce the songs whilst Chris and I chatted and ate our chicken nuggets. It had been a nice few weeks, spending time with someone I loved dearly. Seeing Chris happy, smiling and content with things was great. It made a change from his depressed state. He had been medically diagnosed with depression some 13 months earlier and refused to take anything to help. Seeing him smile brightened everything, and I was reluctant to return the normal realms of life. Hearing him sing again brought memories flooding back of when I used to watch him at local bars and small venues, performing his old and some newer music with the help of James on guitar. It was refreshing.
We thought he was getting better, you see. That he was changing for the better. Well, not changing so much rediscovering the old Chris. But he had already changed too much.
We were wrong.
The change we had hoped for never came and, although he had seemed better, he wasn't.
I woke up on the Monday morning, and checked my phone, smiling at my background (a photo of Chris and me smiling on his 24th birthday). A few texts and some new posts on Twitter. Nothing much. But nothing from Chris. He would usually text me at least. Nothing. I shrugged it off, assuming he had slept in late and continued to slip on my Starbucks blouse and black trousers with my ballerina flats. I yanked my hair into a simple ponytail. I checked again. Nothing.
I should have called.
I worked, taking and giving orders. Giving and receiving thanks. Smiling, and nodding, smiling, and nodding. By the time I had my break, it was about Ten AM. Still nothing.
I should have called.
I finished my shift three hours later. Nothing. I drove home, humming to the radio, cursing the guy that cut me up. I pulled up in my drive way and pulled on the handbrake. I checked my phone. One new message. Simply an offer from the broadband company. Nothing.
I twisted the key in the lock and wipe my feet on the rigid bristles of my welcome mat. Wandering up to my room I linked up to my WI-FI. Nothing. I got changed into jogging bottoms and a comfy shirt. I slid the hair band from my hair and shook it free. Nothing. I watched one video. Nothing.
I called. Nothing. I texted. Nothing.
I shut down the computer and hurried out to my car. I drove hurriedly to Chris' house, breaking the speed limits most of the way. I didn't care. I pulled up at his house. His windows were closed and only the bathroom light was on. I strode quickly to the front door. Knock. Nothing. Knock again. Nothing. I called. Nothing. I knocked and called. Nothing. I shouted Chris' name. Nothing. Shout. Shout. Shout. Again, again and again. Nothing.
I smashed the glass by the handle, and reached in. The glass sliced my hand. Nothing. I turned the handle. Click. Nothing. I pushed the door open. Creek. Nothing. I step into the hallway. Crunch. Hiss. Nothing. The faint mumbling of the TV taunted me and lured me upstairs. Nothing. No one. I opened the bathroom door. The first thing I saw was a towel strewn across the tiles with water clogging the corner. I opened the door more. "Chris?" Nothing. "Chris?" Nothing.
I opened the door more. Nothing. Then, I saw what I didn't ever think I would have to see. I stood, bewildered. A tear. A scream. His limp body hanging from a frayed rope. A rope tied to the shower rail. I grabbed his body, cutting the rope with the nearest pair of scissors I could find and laid him on the floor. "Please. Please. Come back. Please." Nothing. I tried to get him breathing. Nothing. I dialled an ambulance. They came. They tried to save him. Nothing. I called his mother. There was nothing I could have done. Was there?
I should have called.
I should have called him while I could.
We thought he was better. We thought he would get though.
We were wrong.
Time of death: Unknown, 23/3/15
Cause of death: Hanging. Unsuspicious.
Reason? No one helped. We could do nothing.