Dead End Maze

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Im at school. Happy for a while,not in denial, maybe that's because I'm with my friends, but home alone is where it really begins. I go to my room and sit in complete silence up until my thoughts get suicidal and violent thinking of those razor blades stashed inside my room or that knife in that secret hiding place. I try to drown out my own thoughts with sound yet in the back of my mind they are always found. I glance at my thighs to see my fading scars. I look at my arms to see the dark marks of burns. Always thinking they were just things I deserved, marks I earned. I cry with no real reason why. Just wishing I could die, wishing I had the courage, but I didn't, I couldn't. I didn't want anyone in the pain I was in. And why? All because I couldn't handle it? Because I couldn't be tough? The cuts and burns just had to be enough. Faking a smile and laugh just to get through another day with no one asking why. But it's hard when you're dead inside. So I went on adding cuts to my scarred and bloody skin, deeper and deeper. It seemed my will to live was getting weaker and weaker. Through time my feelings and hope seemed to be gone. I can't feel anything. Something's really wrong. I'm not sure if you can tell, but the light in my eyes has dimmed, and my happiness has just... faded. My soul is tired and done. Now when I cut its to feel pain and to see that I bleed, to know I'm still human. I need to know my demons haven't taken over. I just want to feel something again and the thing I know best is pain. All I want is to feel the familiar sting of a cold blade on my skin and all I want to see is the thick red blood dripping. Because every time I look in the mirror I hate what I see, I hate knowing this is me, that this is who I am. How could anyone even miss me? I know it might hurt them for a moment, but every thought tells me they will get over it. "They'll only cry for a moment trust me you won't regret it" As soon as I decide the tears stop falling from my eyes. I say you got another day for goodbyes. I promise myself to keep it a secret. The next day I get a notebook and write a letter to each individual. I told them I was sick, said my mind was like a dead end maze, there was no way out. Added some important notes for people I cared about. I said I was in a better place, so wipe the tears off your face. Then I signed it with my name. Thought the worst way was to hang, so I prepared the rope. I looked at my bed and remembered every time I cried myself to sleep. I remembered every time I faked that stupid smile. I stepped up on the chair and something caught my eye. The hole in the wall from playing with my nephews, the crack in the window from rough housing with my siblings. I remembered something important... the good times, when the smiles and laughs were real. But my mind said "darling there's no going back" I stood on the chair with my expressions bare. I stepped off. As I shed my last tear, thought my last thought, and breathed my last breath... I knew it was too late, but I regretted every suicidal thought that I should have fought. But unfortunately the war was over and I had lost. Watching my body as I floated high.....I can't believe I convinced myself the only way out was to die.