I stand frozen; we had always been the opposite in that sort of sense.
I find there to be two types of people in life: the runners and the chasers.
She runs and runs: speeding her way through her life, not letting anything touch her, not letting someone get close enough to scar her, not getting attached, never slowing down. These runners stop for nothing, afraid that if they do they might get too comfortable; too comfortable with themselves, with the people around them, with where they are, with what they’re doing- And then one day, not even a day, but just a moment, will suddenly change their life, shifting it on a little axis to the point that they can no longer clearly see who they are anymore. When all of a sudden there’s a change, and they are attached, and there’s something that has slowed them down. Runners hide from the uncertainty and confrontation by avoiding it. They run until there legs no longer carry, or at least until they make some self-discovery or evaluation that they don’t have to run, that life is made for change.
What worked so well for us, why we seemed to fit together like some sort of puzzle, is the fact that I, myself, am a chaser. I spend my life chasing after things: girls, goals, dreams,anything- Anything that will keep me moving forward, keep me with a purpose. Us chasers do that. We spend our lives trying to out-do what we just did, or get that one foot in the door, just so we can be one step ahead. Chasing keeps us doing something, keeps us from looking in the mirror and, much like the runners, asking that vital question no one ever seems to have the answer to: What am I doing with my life?
While runners avoid the question, trying to distance themselves from the harsh reality of the answer they never fully want to admit, we chasers simply cover it up, stating whatever we’re doing at that point in time: I’m in a band, I’m getting engaged, I’m training for a marathon. They’re true, yet shallow, answers that are enough of a façade to keep us going for one more day. The problem I’ve found with chasing, though, is that you’re never really satisfied because you’re never around long enough to enjoy what you just caught. You’re automatically on to the next chase-
“I’m guessing she’s not just an old business acquaintance.” Vienna half asks-half states, placing a hand on my shoulder.
A third type of person had been added to my list since I joined this crazy, plasticized industry. I’m not really sure what to call this group, or how, or even what, to classify them as or by. All I know is Vienna seems to fit into this group, and all they ever seem to be good for are three things: fake smiles, pretty lies that make you look like you walk on water, and a good fuck.
Vienna lightly massages my shoulders, before snaking her arms around me, her bra-clad chest pressing into my bare back.
A really good fuck.
I shrug her off, snapping back into my senses as I shake my head.
“Old friend.” I mutter. As much as I wish I could I just stand here all day, I know I have to do something. I quickly stride across the room and gather up my hoodie that had been tossed lifelessly over the arm of the couch. Vienna sighs, and follows after me, grabbing my arm and swinging me around to face her.
“Zayny, baby, what are you doing?” She whines, as she begins hooking her fingers through my belt loops. “We were in the middle of something.”
Good question: What exactly am I doing?
I dodge her advances, running a hand through my dark hair. Well, first off, I need a shirt… I think it went over, ah, yes- I pick up the discarded white t-shirt from the floor and notice something glowing a bit from under the nearby chair. I grab it quickly and realize it’s a phone. The screen is lit up with a picture of a man who looks to be a few years older than me, and, judging by the caller-ID, is called Rick.
Who is Rick?
“Zaaaaayn, don’t actually tell me you’re going after her.”
My gaze remains fixed on the phone until Rick’s picture disappears, replaced by the phones wallpaper- a picture of a little girl. A picture of Nadia. I automatically know who’s phone it is, and it only makes me more eager to find her, and fast. I quickly slide the phone into my trouser pocket and grab one of my boots from off the chair and the other from the middle of the floor, balancing my shirt and sweatshirt in my hands.
“Got to, Vee.” I slip my shoes on, then my shirt, and quickly grab my varsity jacket off the hook by the door.
Vienna just pouts a little and looks at the ground, huffing under her breath. “You don’thave to do anything.”
“Come one, Vee.” I roll my eyes, but walk up to her regardless, gently stroking her cheek. She’s a pain in the ass sometimes. “You know it’s the right thing. Would you like to be out there at this time of night? Dark and cold,” I pause for a minute, thousands of memories instantly clouding my mind. Hopelessness, sleepless nights, red and blue lights, andblood. Lots of blood. I swallow the knot in my throat that forms each time the topic comes to mind. “No one to help you except a toddler.” I lift her chin up with two of my fingers. “All sorts of goons and murderers and bad guys out there-”
“Go on, Robin Hood.” She cuts me off quickly, scoffing, acting more like three year old as opposed to the very-developed, twenty-two year old woman she was. “Go protect another damsel from those 17thcentury goons and bad guys.” She looks me directly in the eye, her ever-passive expression scrawled across her face. “But I have a flight in four hours to do a commercial in Germany, won’t be back for three days.” She traces a finger down my chest, stopping at my pants button. “This is our only chance.” She pauses, as if she expects me to change my mind. “Won’t be here by the time you get back.” She stops and stares at me again, blinking blankly. “But go on and help her, if you’re sure.”
She blinks a couple times, and I close the space between us with a passionate kiss right on the lips. She hurriedly responds, biting on my lip. We break apart, gasping for air, and I begin sucking on her collarbone lightly. She moans in response and I turn us around, pushing her up against the wall next to the door, not once breaking my trail of kisses along her neck. Finally, I reach her ear and suck on her ear lobe a little. I pull just centimetres away from her ear, and blow lightly.
“I’m sure.” I whisper, pulling away and not once looking back as I stalk out the door.
“You’re a fucking tease, Malik!” She screams after me, causing a couple of workers around me to snicker a little.
“Takes one to know one, Marlowe!”
I smirk to myself, not once slowing my pace.
The problem was, though, now that I was out and looking for her, I had no idea where to even begin. I spot a group of crew men dissembling part of the stage and decide they’ll be a safe bet.
“Um, excuse me,” The men jump back, and immediately all attention is on me. “Did you happen to see a- a woman run by?” I pause, realizing how vague I sound. “Kind of short, with a little girl?”
A couple of the men nod, but still have wide eyes, as if they’re afraid to say anything. I really want to crawl in a hole because I know I’m the reason; my tantrums, anger-management breakdowns, and mood swings had been highly publicized, from throwing things to storming out of venues. That, and the fact I was still slipping my clothes on with my heels hanging out the back of my shoes, my shirt (which I had just realized was) on backwards, and my hair was probably tussled from previous- Er, activities. I sheepishly smile and smooth down my hair, hoping one of them will see I mean no harm.
“Um, yeah.” A big, burly man, who had to be twice my height and hardly had a neck, finally steps forward, wiping his baldhead with his dirty forearm. “I saw ‘em. We all did… Woman was crying and ran faster than anyone I’ve ever seen, right out the left exit. Lil’ girl a cute thing, in’t she.”
I nod quickly, tons of emotions running through me at once: Guilt because she was crying, anxiety because she was alone, confusion because she was back, anger because she left and I let her, and- Well, I didn’t know exactly how I felt about the fact she had a child. Remorse, sadness, heartbreak, anger, some closure- Nothing exactly summed it up. I could write a thousand love songs, speak millions of words, but nothing would ever, could ever, articulate my feelings for her or the situation out loud; nothing could come close. I quickly mutter thank you and take off running down the hall again, only to run right into a familiar face.
“Oi, Bradford Bad Boy, where are you off to in such a rush?” Harry’s big, toothy smile is quickly replaced with a look of confusion as his right eyebrow disappears under his curly mane. “And why is your shirt on backwards?”
If I had to run into anyone, I was glad it was Harry. He was the one who was a little more understanding over the mood swings, the one who had defended me whenever any of the other boys went off calling me ‘irresponsible’, or saying I was ‘giving us a bad reputation’. It wasn’t that I was completely off the handle, and it wasn’t that the boys and I fought a lot; they just called me out when they thought I was being ‘new Zayn’ as they liked to call it. I personally didn’t see the difference between the two. All I saw was one Zayn, and one Zayn had been hurt, he had been changed. And once you’re changed or hurt, it’s not like you quickly rebound in such a way that you’re exactly the way you are before. No. You’re still you, with a little bit of a different outlook or a little piece missing.
“You alright, mate? You’re worrying me a bit…” He snaps his fingers in front of my face and I slap his hand away, realizing that I was wasting precious time just standing here, catching my breath.
“Er, yeah, in a rush, that’s all.”
I watch him crunch his face up; he doesn’t buy it.
“In a rush to do-”
“I should be the one asking you if you’re alright, really.” I quickly cut him off, and he scratches the back of his head, a small blush passing over his cheeks. “You were acting a bit weird earlier.” I realize how formal the conversation sounds, so quickly correct myself, adding: “Not that you’re ever normal.”
Topped off with a smirk and everything.
“I got myself sorted, no big deal.” He says, stretching his arms backwards. “Mind me asking why you’re carrying a jacket and a sweatshirt, yet standing there shivering in a t-shirt? Its bloody freezing, mate.”
I hadn’t even noticed I was shivering, but all of a sudden, I feel sort of like I’m suffocating. “I just-” I pause, trying to stop my tongue, but before I can prevent it, words come pouring out. “I saw Alena. And her- and her daughter, I guess. I don’t know, just, here.” I shove the sweatshirt in his arms, not even able to look at his face, but instead the floor. “She ran, took the left exit, shouldn’t be alone in the dark.” I pause when I realize he hasn’t moved. “I know it’s a huge favour to just ask you, and- Whatever, it’s stupid, I can…” Trailing off, I reach back for the sweatshirt, but he just holds it tighter to his chest, causing me to drop my arm. “I just don’t want anything to happen. You know, again. Please, I just can’t-” My voice cracks, and I scuff my shoes against the concrete. I sound so vulnerable, she always was able to do that to me.
“No problem, mate.” He pats my back and I finally look up. “I need to talk to her anyway, just tell the others I had to see someone, yeah?”
Before I even have a chance to respond, he’s hurriedly heading towards the left exit, pulling his coat tighter around himself as he heads out into the cold. I slip my jacket on and head back the opposite direction, her phone still heavy in my pocket; I just wasn’t ready- or willing- for it to slip away quite yet, too.
I head around to where I know everyone else will be- ‘“One Direction- Change Room 2”’- but not before checking Change Room 1, the urges I’ve had since I was a pubescent teenage boy coming to light. Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on how you looked at it, Vienna had told the truth- she was gone.
I enter the room without bothering to knock, and automatically wish I had.
“The fuck…” I scrunch my nose and look around. “You guys are like rabbits!”
Leeza and Niall are snuggled up on one couch, actually feeding each other bits of food, while Danielle and Liam are on the other side attached by the face. And Louis and Aubrey are enjoying their ‘not-a-relationship’ by cheekily smiling at each other and playing footsie on the floor. It’s actually nauseating. I grab an apple off the table where some post-show snacks had been laid out, and promptly sit down between the two mouth-sucking-food-feeding couples.
“Aw, poor little Zayn is just a bit mad because the only action he can get is with his apple.” Louis sticks out his lip causing Aubrey to laugh, which automatically set his attention back to her as a wide smile stretched across his face. Not a relationship. Right.
I wish the two would fuck already.
However, I do give Louis credit for the fact that he actually acknowledged my existence instead of just getting sucked up in some love vortex. Kudos to him.
“No, I just-” At this time, Liam decides to ‘accidentally’ elbow me in attempts to shift Danielle further up on his lap. “Do you mind?” I ask, frustrated. I wasn’t in the mood tonight.
“Um, yes, actually, I do.” Liam breaks apart from Danielle as the two pant slightly, their lack of oxygen getting the best of them. To be honest, it actually relieved me a bit; I had no idea two people could go that long without breathing. “Could you scout that way a bit, you’re in the elbow room.”
I glare in response to his smile, and he blinks blankly at me. Getting up, I cross over to the safer, more hygienic side of the room. It’s not that Liam, Danielle, Niall, and Leeza did this a lot in public, or that they did it often when we were just around them, but we hadn’t had much of a chance to see the girls lately, so I guess they were catching up. I sit in the floor pow-wow style with Louis and Aubrey, who had been inseparable since he saw she was here.
“I take back my action comment,” Lou states off-handedly, smirking some. “You’re shirt is on backwards.”
I just shrug and take another bite of my apple, I wasn’t really in the mood to talk about Vienna, or romance, or action, or anythingright now, really. Aubrey, who I swear is wonder woman based on how well she deals with people, more accurately how well she controls Louis, places a hand on my leg, sensing my discomfort and apparent shift in mood.
If Louis notices, he doesn’t say anything, but instead makes another comment. “Have you see Hazza anywhere? We couldn’t find him…”
He trails off, and I nod, not bothering to swallow before I respond. “Yeah, he said he had to talk to someone, that he’d meet us at the hotel.”
Aubrey retracts her hand, wiping her hand off on Louis’ leg from where I had apparently spit on her. I just flash an apologetic smile.
“Oh, well ok.” Lou’s head falls a bit, and Aubrey nudges him.
“He’s probably working things out with Alena.”
At this, the room falls silent and everyone seems to stop what they’re doing, looking towards me. Danielle shoots a glare at Aubrey, one that told me they had no idea I had even seen her.
“It’s fine guys.” I flash a half-hearted smile, that really looks more like a grimace. “I saw her and her daughter already, it’s all good, I know she’s here.”
Danielle’s brow furrows as she rolls off Liam’s lap and down next to Leeza, who had just placed the half empty plate on the table.
“Daughter?” She asks, and I don’t understand the whole room’s puzzlement, since I knew almost for certain they had seen them earlier.
Instead of questioning, I just nod and go to take another bite of my apple, but find that I’m suddenly not hungry, so instead toss it into the bin across the room. “Yeah, Nadia. Seems sweet. I’m fine, guys, really. Just drop it, please?”
“But you have it all wrong! Nadia-”
“Danielle! Just please drop it!” I cut her off shortly. Her face crumples as she stands up. A bit of guilt creeps into my stomach at the sight of her sadness, but not enough to cancel out the anger that was building.
“I was just going to-”
“Danielle! Drop it!” I exclaim, which causes both me and Liam to stand up. I clench my fists, taking a deep breath trying to calm myself, as Liam places an arm around his girlfriend’s shoulders.
“Mate, you don’t need to be so hard, she was just trying to-”
“I don’t want to talk about it!” I demand. I look around, and the whole room seems to be standing now, Leeza and Niall holding hands, while Aubrey mutters something about Harry under her breath to Louis. “I just- I’m sorry, ok? I’m going to go to the hotel, I’ll see you guys in the morning.”
I storm out of the room quickly, hesitating only once when I hear Aubrey call my name.
I turn around, and she’s standing there shivering slightly without a coat.
“Nadia is- She’s…”
She trails off, and I shake my head, unable to take much more tonight, unable to manage my emotions that I couldn’t even name.
“Goodnight, Aubrey.”
I walk off again, and this time when she calls after me, I don’t turn around, trying to block out everything, including my thoughts.