epilogue
Present day. One week before graduation day.
For these past three years, everything was going back to normal after that day, the day I wished it has never existed. But, I was okay. I was fine. I have learned to come out from my fear every time people suspiciously looked at me. I tried my best to be as positive as I could. Sometimes I just ignored them. No matter how it annoyed me, I just ignored them. But, sometimes I couldn't help myself but, to fear that somebody might have some kind of twisted mind like the old librarian did to me. Whenever the anxiety attacked me I tried my best to keep my mind distracted. It was either reciting my Qur'an or reading my favorite novels from my favorite authors or going out with the girls. Thankfully the girls were very much understanding. They helped me as much as they could.
Ever since that day, I have never letted myself to go out without a friend I familiar with. Such as Faith, Suzanne, Nadine, Husna, and any other friends that I couldn't mentioned one by one. They helped me to go through with the court, therapy session and reporting to Columbia about my dorm arrangement with Adam.
Speaking of Adam, he and I agreed to be in our own separate dorm. I couldn't imagine how I was gonna sleeping under the same roof, breathing the same air and seeing the same sunrise every fajr as him. It was all okay if I didn't have any conflict of interest with him. But, I did have it. So, that was not okay at all.
What terrified me the most was whenever we silently stole a glance at each other when we thought the other party was not realize of it was kinda sweet as well as frightening. Frightened me to the bone as I remember my messenger's, Muhammad (peace be upon him), advice that if a man and a woman together alone, it most likely that the third person was a shaytan*. Frightened that I might be crossed the line of the guidelines that my God and prophet has drew in between. And I frightened that one of us couldn't hold the interest that got into our body and crept it into our heart then acted by it.
Nudzubillah*. Finger crossed.
I couldn't let it happened. Let alone we both knew it was uncalled for. You know what people said that it was okay if you didn't know. But, it wasn't okay at all if you knew what you did was wrong and you did it anyway. It was what we called ignorant.
My mom once said that stupid people were the ones who knew what they were doing was wrong but, they still did it. That was what my mom called stupid. Stupid wasn't about getting 3 in GPA or getting 400 in TOEFL test. Or failed in some exams. No. It was lazy not stupid.
When there was a will, there was a way. They said. But, that was beside the point.
Just by the way he took care of me, the way he shielded me whenever Powell tried to talk to me was overwhelming as well as frightening. I have never felt like this before you know. It was kind of new to me. He was so possessive of me when I was nobody to him. I was just his roommate or ex-roommate these days. Why did he need to be that possessive? No matter what the reasons were. He didn't have a right to act like that. When it came to Powell, he was so so so possesive. As if he was the one who Powell wanted to talk to. I honestly didn't understand what his problem was with Powell. But, telling Powell to back off was unecessary.
One day, after Adam got his own studio apartment in Upper East Manhattan. Powell came to my dorm. I was shocked when I saw him in front of my door. It was near a midnight time. Could you believe it? I couldn't let him in, let alone after knowing his reputation, there was no way I would let him in. And of course, it was haraam for him to be with me when there was no mahram* beside me. So, I suggested him for us to talk in the living room where it was open to me to talk to. If you knew what I meant. A living room where I first met him. And he said he was okay with it. If it meant he could talk to me. I just nodded at him.
Once we took a sit at the same spot as I did back then when he and I first met. He began to speak, "You know, I already wanted to talk to you the moment I saw you in that warehouse. But, your knight in shining bomber didn't let me. The days after that day I continue to approach you to talk to you. But, he won't let me talk to you."
My knight in shining bomber? Really? It was a funny way to describe Adam. I unconsciously giggle myself at him. I thought he might be has a hobby to give out people a name or something. Before, he called me the east girl. Now, he called Adam, a knight in shining bomber. I didn't know that Powell could be this funny. I couldn't hold the laugh anymore. So, I just laugh it out.
Powell on the other side, just silently watching me laughing at him. But, then maybe because he found it very awkward, because he asked me later on, "I don't understand. What's so funny with my words?"
I couldn't help but to laugh even more harder than before as he asked me that question. When I saw him still in his awkward state, I then tried my best to get it together and come to my own sense. I hold my right hand up and said, "Okay. Okay. Sorry. I don't mean anything by that. I just find it funny. Kinght in shining bomber? Really Powell?"
"Well, his bomber were the one that caught my intention because I don't understand why you need to wear it like that? Around your head?"
"Oh! As you know that the old librarian removed my scarf. And Adam knew that it was prohibited for a guy who wasn't my mahram to saw it."
"Mahram?" Powell asked curiously as the word was very much took his attention.
"Mahram is the one who has a halal way to see and to touch the opposite sex. But, because of all the guys there definitely are not my mahrams. So, it was prohibited for you and any other guy included Adam to see me without my scarf," I elaborated.
"Oh! Wow. So, that was why you always wear a scarf. Damn! Islam is so complicated," he said spontaneously and then as if he realized that he shouldn't have talked about that. He abruptly said, "Anyway, back to the topic, what was wrong with Adam that telling me to back off?"
"Nah, I, myself, don't know why honestly. Really."
"Really?"
"Really.
"Oh wow. Just wow. He was annoying."
"I'm sorry, he is just—he," then I stopped from saying any other words. Honestly, even though I didn't even know why I tried to defend Adam, I just felt that I needed to defend him. After everything he has done for me and this odd feeling that creeping in my heartbeat has forced me to make Adam as good as I knew he was in front of people. It was including Powell.
"Nah, there is no need to apologize in his behalf. I know why he did what he did. Well, I am a guy. So, I know what kind of message he was trying to send me," he then laughed a little like he found that funny in the first place. But, when he saw my poker face, he cursed under his breath and spoke, "No way, you don't know any of it? Sorry I—."
"Please just straight to the point about why we come here in the first place," I said reminded him why he was there.
"Just so you know, what you heard in the court was right. It was me who indirectly directed the old librarian to that kind of thinking. Sorry Nisa. I come to you since the day I found you in the warehouse. but, you know Adam, " It was the first time I ever heard him saying my nickname. Not east girl.
And to be honest, I found it odd to hear him called me Nisa not east girl. It wasn't like I was complaining though. I just, you know, when you used to be insulted in any way you could imagine, you would find it odd to hear someone called you other than the name they used to call.
But, never mind. I was glad he said it anyway. He then stared at me like he really meant it. Or maybe he really meant it. The guilty was reflecting in his eyes. Honestly, I wished he didn't just mentioned that. It was like he just opened the wound that has not been healed yet. I still remember that day freshly in my mind every time people asking me about that. But, witnessing what I saw in his eyes, made me realized that it must be not easy for him either.
Tongue might be said something different but, eyes never lied. I remember that saying.
I turned my head to the side then looked back at him. I took a deep breath while trying to hush any bad memories of that day as he mentioned it earlier. I then said, "I think you too, there is no need to say sorry for someone else's behalf. But, what do you mean by partially your fault in the court?" I knew I had to put everything about that day behind. But, to tell you the truth. I couldn't help myself but to ask him that.
"The day before that day, I was jokingly talking about revenge after what your kind did to me, to him. Did you know that my little sister was one of 9/11 victims? But, I swear, I was joking, Nisa," he said with so much desperate in his voice and he stared at me with so much intensity that glistening in his eyes.
Seeing all that kind of intensity and desperation made me find myself saying, "It is okay. What's done is done. But, you have to know that it was not your fault or any other people's fault. I just have to learn how to accept it. With that I can be more fogiving and understanding. I'm lying if I said that it didn't hurt me. It did hurt me. But, I refuse to hurt someone else just because they hurted me before. If I did that then what's the different between me and them?"
"Wow. Yeah. You are absolutely right. What do you mean by them is including me?" he asked while narrowing his eyes at me. Me on the other hand, couldn't believe with what he was asking. I wondered how he would come to that conclusion? But, when he stared at me, at my face. He was immediately burst into laughing loudly. I just sat silently there watching him laughing so hard.
Okay now. We were even.
Eventually, seeing me sat still and didn't give him any other reaction, made him realized that it wasn't funny at all. "Okay. Sorry. I didn't mean to laugh at you. I just... Okay, I think I need to shut up now."
After that, he became one male friend I could rely on other than Adam and Peter. But, Adam was disappointed at me as he came to know my new 'friendship' with Reed. He still blamed Reed for what happened to me. And it did it. Adam and I were fighting one day because of it as I found his reason was very much irrational.
I with myself refused to hold any grudge against Reed. And Adam with his own way of thinking, thought that it was all Reed's fault. Reed's fault to make the old librarian kidnap me. Reed's fault to make all the attention centered at me. Reed's fault that now I was known as the east girl.
to be continued...
*Shaytan is jinn or devil.
*Mahram is the one who has a halal way to see and to touch the opposite sex.
*Nauduzbillah is arabic for we seek refuge in Allah.