(Sorry that is one is long, there is a part 2)
You honestly thought Tyler was the one. If you could go back, exactly one year ago to when you and Tyler were together, maybe things would be different. Because Tyler was everything. But you can't change the fact that your relationship ended and you can't restart the day you and Tyler had the fight that inevitably led to you breaking up. It was heartbreaking and one of the things you remember most about that time is the amount of ice cream you ate. It was the only thing you could find comfort in, which sucked because you ended up gaining seven pounds before you finally decided that enough was enough.
You decided, after a month of moping and eating and sleeping and not doing anything else, to shower, put on a nice outfit and go to a local bar as a single woman.
There you met Matt, who was one of the only guys there not using pitiful pickup lines to try and score a one night stand. So you started talking, and talking led to a first date, which led to a second, then a third, and many more after that.
The most recent one was the most memorable. You'll never forget the jolt that went through you when you saw the ring that he was holding in front of you.
Y/N Y/L/N...will you marry me?
And you said yes. You said yes again and again and again, because you were convinced you were in love with this man.
Since then, you had prepared everything for the wedding. The cake, the venue, the dress...the dress.
Every woman dreams of what their wedding dress will look like, wondering if it will be everything they've ever imagined. Well, you can say first hand that it is.
The dress is perfect and the venue is perfect and Matt is perfect.
But then you remember Tyler.
Tyler was your world. The one you loved and cherished. The one you wanted to be with forever.
But that was before. You wanted to be with Tyler and you thought he was the one. That was before Matt. Before the proposal, before the dates, before the bar, and before the unreasonable amount of ice cream.
But, even though it's been more than a year, you can't seem to come to terms with the way it ended between you and Tyler.
-
"Y/N, you know how important this is to me, why are you asking me to back out?"
"Stop making me the bad guy here, Tyler! You know as well as I do that I would never ask you to back out of something like this. I just want to see you more. You're accusing me of making you choose between your girlfriend and your music career. That's not what I'm doing!"
"Well, that's what it sounds like."
-
It went on like that for a while longer. Each of you spit out words that you didn't mean, but they were still said. At first, those words stung, then they burned, then they sliced at you until you had nothing left to hold onto except your anger.
It didn't end until Tyler walked out, not coming back for a few days. You assumed he went to Josh's, but he never told you.
He came back and, not long after, you both decided that it would be better if you spent some time apart. Things were different and the words that were said were too fresh for both of you.
And that's what led to the seven pounds. That's what led to the bar. That's what led to the dates
That's what led to the engagement.
You've tried hard to tell yourself that you're over Tyler. That's a part of your life that you need to let go.
But he's always there. He's there when you pass the little coffee shop on the corner the two of you met at where he spilled coffee on you. He's there when you see a piano or a ukulele, even something as simple as a microphone. Because Tyler was special, and it's not easy to get over someone like that.
And the closer you get to the wedding, the guiltier you feel. You've always wished it hadn't ended the way it had. You wish you could say that you and Tyler are still friends.
But the truth is, you haven't spoken to Tyler since you broke up a year ago.
--
"Tyler, you know you can't do this. She's moved on, she's probably with someone else."
Josh has tried time after time to convince Tyler that seeing you again is a bad idea, but your ex-boyfriend is convinced that he will be able to win you back.
"When we broke up, we said we needed time, right? Well, time has passed and old wounds have healed. And if they haven't, then I'll help stitch them."
"It's not going to be that simple, Ty. You know that."
Tyler doesn't respond and Josh sighs, trying to get his best friend to see the flaws in his plan.
"It's been a year. Why the sudden surge of emotion?"
Tyler shrugs, thinking about the question. Like you, he's been feeling guilty about the way your relationship ended, but he's been finding that his old feelings are resurfacing.
Either that, or they were never buried.
"I'm not sure. Some things are just...meant to be, I guess."
"That might be true, but the two of you had your chance and it didn't work out. This isn't a good idea. Besides, how are you going to find her? I mean, have you thought this through at all?"
"Of course I've thought this through! She might live in our old house, it was hers originally. I'll go there first."
"And if she doesn't live there?"
"I'll call her."
"And if she changed her number?"
"I'll call her mom."
Josh scoffs and shakes his head, wanting to express to his friend that this is a horrible idea, but knowing that nothing he says will be able to stop Tyler from finding you.
"Her mom? Come on, Tyler, you're not thinking straight. This girl is blinding you like she did last time. Except this time the feeling isn't mutual and it isn't exactly a good thing."
"You liked her, right?" Tyler asks suddenly, turning to Josh with raised eyebrows.
"Yeah, I liked her. You two were good together."
"Then why are you so against this?"
"You know why, Tyler! I've been explaining to you why I'm against this!"
Tyler just shakes his head and turns back to the mirror, smoothing his shirt down.
"Look, you can do what you want. And I wish you luck, I really do, but that doesn't mean I think this is a good idea."
"I always appreciate your support, Josh."
--
You hadn't moved from your old place. That's another thing that reminds you of Tyler: your house. Your damn house.
But a lot of things...good things happened in that house and you can't just give it up. Plus, it's a nice place.
And you did your best to get rid of every sign that Tyler lived there.
There's a mark on the wall from when Tyler tried to carry his keyboard downstairs and it hit the wall. Neither of you ever bothered to cover up because it was a reminder of a memory that you shared, as insignificant as it was.
But after Tyler left, you finally got around to trying to scrub it off, but it didn't work. You didn't go through the trouble of painting over it...you told yourself that it wasn't worth the time. It was just a small mark, it would fade with time.
But the truth is, you smile every time you look at it and remember that day. You were so mad at him for marking the wall, and he had just stared at you with an embarrassed look on his face while you explained to him that he had to be more careful.
When you had finished your rant, Tyler told you that he wanted to bring the keyboard down so he could sing you one of the songs he had just written.
You had smiled at him and forgotten about your argument completely, wrapping your arms around your boyfriend with a smile. He played the song over and over that night until you fell asleep with your head on his shoulder.
And now you look at the mark and that song gets stuck in your head for weeks at a time.
But you were able to get rid of the smaller things. Little things that he left in the house like a pair of socks or a toothbrush. You even found one of his shirts.
You would never admit it to anyone, especially not your fiancé, but you kept that shirt. It's a white with nothing significant on it to mark it as Tyler's, but you knew.
You found it in that short period of time between break-up depression and meeting Matt. You slept in it the first night you found it because it smelled like Tyler.
And when you met Matt, you figured that throwing away a perfectly good white shirt would be a waste, so you shoved it in the back of your closet and tried to forget that it existed.
But it was there when you needed it and you always pulled it out when you needed something to comfort you.
Because it felt like you had Tyler back.
But it almost felt like you were cheating on Matt, which is stupid because it's just a shirt. A shirt that belonged to your ex, who is probably the only person besides Matt that you gave your heart too.
So, yeah... maybe keeping and occasionally wearing the shirt is wrong when you have someone else, but you can't help it. You can't help the feeling of safety it gives you and you can't deny that thinking about Tyler gives you a warm feeling that has never faded.
But you're happy with Matt. You'll always have lingering, distant feelings for Tyler, but Matt is who you want to be with.
That's what you always tell yourself.
You and Matt have talked about it and decided that you want to wait to move in together until you're married. You don't know why you thought it would be a good idea, but your argument (you've forgotten what it was) must have been convincing because he agreed.
And you're thrilled to be with Matt, you really are. Ever since he proposed, your feelings for him have basically blown up in your face and all you can think when you see him is that's the man I'm going to marry.
And it's a good feeling, it's like your floating.
And then you think of Tyler and all of those feelings dull and the only thing that matters is the songs that he used to sing and the words that were exchanged and every "I love you" that was said.
But, right now, you feel like you're drunk on your love for Matt. And you're always trying to figure out if that's a good thing, because when you're drunk, you usually regret the things you do the morning after.
But when you're in that moment, you don't have a care in the world. You just take everything that's being shoved at you with open arms like hey, this is great! Let's do stupid drunk stuff, let's go on a date, let's get married-
But then you wake up the next morning with a massive headache and one thought going through your head.
What the hell happened last night?
And that's how it's felt for a year. You've thrown yourself into this relationship, saying yes to every question because Matt is just so perfect. He is everything you want in a partner.
But you feel like you've just woken up and are asking yourself what happened. How did this happen so fast and why did you let it?
You hadn't realized it until recently, but the year you have spent with Matt has felt like days. You feel like you went to sleep one night single and the next engaged. You don't know if that's how you're supposed to feel, but that's not what it felt like with Tyler.
With Tyler, you savored each moment and one year felt like ten.
And now that you've realized how fast your relationship with Matt has moved, when you think through the past year, you think of the nights when you found comfort in Tyler's shirt and the mark on the wall that makes you want to sing your heart out because the song he played you that night is still your favorite song.
Everything seems to go back to Tyler.
"Honey, what color do you want the bridesmaid dresses to be?"
"How many tiers is the cake going to be?"
"Oh, you need to come pick out a veil."
Questions are being thrown at you left and right and you are about ready to take the color palate your sister is showing you and shove it up her-
"The purple looks nice."
Weddings are a joyous occasion. You get engaged and you feel like you're flying, and then you are at the wedding and that feeling is back and all you want to do it marry the person standing in front of you.
But in between those two occasions are the preparations. No one ever fantasizes about making invitations and tasting food after food to pick what you want to eat at the event.
"Mom, where are the veils?"
"Over here, honey."
You start to follow your mom, looking forward to picking something for your wedding for the first time all day.
But then-
"Y/N, someone's knocking on the door!"
You groan and tell your mom you'll be right back, heading towards the door. The visitor knocks again, probably getting impatient.
"I'm coming, one second!"
You open the door and are suddenly looking into the familiar brown eyes of the man you once loved.
He looks different. The first thing you think is that he changed his hair. It's shorter now. Then you realize that he's in front of you and you're afraid you might pass out.
But you stand there, staring at him as he stares back, the same expression on his face.
"Tyler?"
You form one word and it snaps him out of his daze. He suddenly looks so nervous and you remember the way he used to run his hand through his hair when he looked like that. Now there's not much hair to run his hand through, so he just runs his hand over his head and rubs the back of his neck.
"Hi," Tyler says sheepishly, smiling softly at you.
"What, um...what are you doing here?"
Tyler opens his mouth, then closes it, trying to remember what he had planned to say. If he's being honest, the moment he saw his mind went blank.
"I just wanted to see you."
You can't help the way your heart skips a beat when he says this. Seeing him again, here...it makes everything rush back. It's like you two were together last week. It's like last Tuesday you were running through the rain after a date trying to find your car. It feels like three days ago you were dancing to the songs Tyler wrote.
It's like the fight was yesterday and everything that has happened since then has passed by in hours.
You look behind you and see your mom and two sisters staring at the two of you with wide eyes.
"Why don't we talk outside," you say after a silence, taking Tyler's arm and pulling him out the door. You close it and you and Tyler stand there for a moment, neither of you knowing how to start a conversation.
You eventually sit on the steps leading up to your porch, sighing and rubbing a hand over your face. Tyler sits next to you and there's silence for a few seconds, both of you just taking in the fact that you are here...in the same space, breathing the same air.
You never thought this would happen...you let go of this part of your life.
"I know that showing up here unannounced is out of line-"
"It's alright, Tyler," you say immediately, reassuring him.
"Okay, good."
Another silence.
"Is there something you wanted to say? Something you wanted to talk about?"
Tyler sighs and looks over at you.
"I just...I don't know, I've been thinking about you a lot recently, and..."
He trials off and you look over at him, waiting for him to continue. You see his gaze on your hand...or, more specifically, your ring.
"Congratulations."
He sounds heartbroken. Absolutely heartbroken. And it kills you to see him like that. It may be worse than the way he sounded during the fight, each word he spit at you laced with venom.
"Thank you," you whisper, hiding your ring by crossing your arms.
You immediately feel guilty for that. You shouldn't have to hide your ring like you're embarrassed to be wearing it. But it's different, because this is Tyler.
This is Tyler.
"How have you been?" he asks, tearing his gaze away from your hand to look you in the eye. You smile softly and take a deep breath.
"Wedding preparations," you say with a light laugh. "Everything has been so hectic and I have no idea how people can do this without screaming every once in a while. But, uh, yeah, everything's good. My mom is here, and my sisters. I think they're all taking the whole wedding more seriously then I am, if I'm being honest."
You smile slightly and see the corner of Tyler's lips twitch up, but he keeps his head down as he listens to you speak, savoring the sound of your voice.
"But I've been good," you finish, answering the original question before asking one of your own. "How's Josh? How's the band?"
"I still have feelings for you."
Your eyes widen and you look over at him to see his eyes focused on the concrete steps below him. You stutter out a few words that you know he can't understand before you form the beginning of a sentence.
"Tyler, you can't-"
"Look, I know I can't say that. You're engaged and that's amazing, but I can't keep living with those words like it's a...a secret that I'm not allowed to tell you."
You shake your head and let out a breath, trying to think of something to say. How is someone supposed to respond to that?
"I'm getting married in two weeks, Tyler. Two weeks. And you come here to tell me that..."
You trail off again, trying to sort out all of this out. Thoughts are flying all over the place and you can't form one coherent thought before another bursts in and mixes you up again.
"You're right. I shouldn't have come. But here I am," he says with a breathless, humorless laugh. "Josh told me this wasn't a good idea."
You chuckle and shake your head.
"Josh was always the reasonable one," you mutter, looking at Tyler for a moment. "Maybe you should've listened to him."
Tyler laughs this time and you smile. The laugh is so familiar and you suddenly feel like you're going to burst into tears.
"Yeah, maybe I should've."
"It's been a year, Ty. Why now?"
"That's what Josh asked."
Both of you chuckle, but it's filled with another silence and you have no idea how to fill it.
"I honestly don't know what to think," you say. You can barely see that he's looking at you, but if you meet his gaze you know the tears brimming in the corners of your eyes will spill down your cheeks.
"Do you..." Tyler trails off and clears his throat, "do you still have feelings for me?"
You scoff and shake your head, letting out a laugh in disbelief of how ridiculous this is.
"You can't ask me that, Tyler. Please don't ask me that," you choke out, forcing yourself not to cry.
"You're right, I'm sorry."
You sigh, willing yourself to look at Tyler. You meet his gaze and practically melt because of the look he's giving you.
It's the same look he gave you after your first kiss. The same look he gave you when he told you he loved you for the first time, and the same look he gave you after every 'I love you' that followed.
"Please think about this," he whispers.
"We broke up a year ago, Ty. We're different people now. I mean, I've heard your band on the radio. You guys are famous."
Tyler nods and smiles.
"Yeah. People seem to like our music."
"I like it."
You purse your lips, looking at Tyler as he stares back at you, a shocked expression on his face. You don't blame him for being surprised. When you break up with someone, you don't usually listen to their voice 24/7.
"You listen to our music?"
"Yeah. I listened to it before and I listen to it now."
Tyler smiles and you let a small one slip onto your face. You can't help it. Tyler looks so happy you're afraid he might burst.
"Where's your fiancé?"
"He's away for business. He'll be back tomorrow."
Tyler nods and sighs again.
"You changed your hair," he says eventually.
"So did you."
He nods and runs his hand over his head to emphasize your statement.
"My mom tells me I look like an egg."
You laugh and wipe the tears from your eyes, the lump in your throat gone now that the conversation has lightened up.
"Do you love him?"
And there's the lump.
You let a tear fall then because you don't think you can take this. You gave Tyler so much time to come to you and say these things and he chooses now.
Why does it have to be now.
"I've found my happy ending."
"Y/N...the last thing I want for you is a happy ending."
"What..." you take a deep breath and wipe your eyes, shaking your head, "what is that supposed to mean?"
"It means that...the fight we had, that's a part of our relationship. That's a part of us. But it's not a good memory and neither of us can change that. We will look back and see how that fight changed us."
You think back to the fight and know that he's right. It changed you more than you'd like to admit.
"You can marry him and go live in a perfect house and have perfect kids and get a perfect job and live a perfect life with him by your side. But what we had, I know that I won't be able to replace it...no matter how bad one of our last memories is.
"And our relationship was always a struggle then, but if we were together now, it would be worse. I would go on tour and the only contact we would have would be texting and calling and FaceTiming. And it would suck...that's not usually what people think of when someone says 'happy ending.'"
He pauses and takes a breath before he goes on, his voice desperate.
"But it would be worth it. It would be an adventure and all of the time away and all of the nights alone...it would be worth it. To me, it would be worth it."
"Tyler..."
"You're worth it."
You shake your head and stop trying to keep your tears in. You let them slip down your cheeks, each one hurting more than the last.
"I'm with the person I love, Tyler."