To Michael:
My wish is that you feel the love that's lifted up to you from all your adoring fans all around the world. I raise a glass to you, my true knight in shining armor! You always rescue me. When I get writer's block, it's to you that I look, and you always seem to point me in the right direction. Thank you for the inspiration that you give to me each and every day. Much L.O.V.E! xxSara <3 <3 <3
*******************************************************************
"My home is just a serene and tranquil place to relax and enjoy yourself and leave your troubled mind and things that irritate you in your heart, behind. Once you enter the gates, you're just in a very wonderful, quiet, loving place. There are lakes, rolling hills and grass and trees and rides, trains, animals and a movie theater. All the things that I love are there."
-------Michael Jackson (in radio interview with Steve Harvey, 2002)
******************************************************************
I woke up very early the next morning after a fitful night of tossing and turning. I rose from the bed and padded on bare feet to the French doors leading to the balcony outside of our bedroom. Opening them wide, I stepped out and took a deep, cleansing breath of the dewy morning air. It was that time of morning right before the sun broke the horizon, and it was still foggy, but I knew that within a matter of minutes, that silver, misty shroud would begin to dissipate in the warmth of the California sun.
I walked to the railing and waited for those warm rays to kiss the plants, returning their verdant hues and ushering in the new day. A day that seemed to stretch before me as endless as time itself. As wonderful and magical as Neverland was to me, I was so lonely without him there.
How could that be that I missed him so much? That, in only a matter of months since Michael came into my life, suddenly my whole world revolved around him? I never knew that missing someone could take over every fiber of your being and wring you out like a wet rag every day. The ache of longing to be with him echoed through the very marrow of my bones. It was a damp, chill wind trapped in the corners of my heart.
His love nourished me and I needed him. I needed to see his smile, hear his laughter that came bubbling forth when he was amused by something that I said. And his eyes: those sparkling, deep brown eyes that reminded me of the most decadent European chocolate that I had ever tasted. They reflected such warmth and intelligence while at the same time, could so effortlessly charm and seduce. Michael's eyes were my mirror, and in them, I saw my worth. That's why the separation seemed so bearable. Without him, I felt devoid of oxygen....of breath to fill my lungs.
Unbelievably, I felt more tears obscure my vision. I had cried so much the night before that I felt certain that I had no more tears left. But there they were, in all their disconsolate glory. Tired of wiping them away, I let them fall and looked down at my hands resting on the railing. Even they felt the absence of his touch: the way his long fingers, almost elegant for a man, would lace through mine and in that simple gesture was the assurance that he would always be mine. I smiled softly at that thought. Mine. In two weeks, he would be my husband! I couldn't wait to be his wife and to give him the children that he had so longed for.
My hand moved down from the railing to rest protectively over our baby. The child, as if it knew that I was focused on it, did a flip-flop in my womb, creating the sensation of soft butterfly wings taking flight. My smile broadened in secret joy. "Little one, you are so lucky. You are the culmination of two hearts joined together....bonded and destined", I mused softly.
The sun began its ascent, peaking just above the distant mountains and it filled the sky with mighty colors of red and splashed the clouds with endless rays of pink. Its powerful rays flooded over the land lighting every blade of grass and shining from each leaf. The mist was beginning to clear as predicted, revealing the crystalline dew that blanketed everything. I heard birds singing their dawn chorus, and the animals who resided on the property were beginning to stir, waiting for the handlers to bring their breakfast. Life kept on going no matter how much I felt like retreating from it until he returned.
My doleful thoughts were interrupted by a soft knock on the door. When I opened it, Mom stood there holding two steaming coffee cups. She smiled brightly as she handed one to me and said, "Good morning, Cassie. I took the chance that you would be awake. How are you feeling today?"
Her smiling face went a long way in lifting my spirits for the time being. "I'm okay, Mom," I replied, somewhat morosely.
She followed me back to the balcony where we settled into the two chairs there, and she studied me closely for a moment. "Now honey, you really should try to remember that Michael will be back by the end of the week. It's not the end of the world, you know", she gently admonished.
I immediately felt guilty. I should be enjoying this time with her instead of moping around like some love-sick teenager. I gave myself a mental shake and pasted a weak smile on my face. "I'm sorry, Mom... really. I hate that I'm feeling so blue. I don't mean to. Since meeting Michael, I have been experiencing all sorts of emotions and feelings that I've never felt before", I said, sincerely contrite.
She nodded knowingly. "Some of those emotions are all those infernal hormones...pesky little boogers! They'll really do a number on you, that's for sure", she said with an understanding smile.
I laughed and instantly felt a little lighter. She always had the ability to lift me up out of feeling sorry for myself. "Mom, you just aren't right, you know that? But I love you anyway."
She giggled and took a sip of her coffee, looking out on the grounds surrounding the house and replied, "Oh honey, I love you, too. My goodness! You have to be the luckiest girl in the world. Just look at this place you call home now. Why it takes my breath away! You have so much to be thankful for, and I'm not going to let you forget it for a second, young lady! That man loves you so much and now with a baby on the way...Cassie, I just want you to focus on all that, okay?"
I took a deep breath and sighed before saying, "You're right, I know that. But sometimes it seems that things are going so perfectly that I worry that something could happen to take it all away."
My mom grabbed my hand in a tight grip and quipped, "There go those stupid hormones again." She shook her head as she continued, "Come on, sweet girl. Let's find something to eat."
Determined to get my mind off myself, I nodded in agreement before suggesting that we venture into town a little later. Shopping meant a little planning, so after breakfast, I informed Eric that we would be going to Santa Barbara for the afternoon, about a half hour drive away. I wanted to buy my mom some clothes for the trip, some gifts for our guests, and perhaps a few things for Michael and myself.
The dress for the ceremony had pretty much been taken care of by my future sister-in-law, Janet. I had asked her to help me with some ideas because I didn't want a traditional wedding gown, but one that would knock Michael for a loop when he saw me. She had already reserved several designer creations in my size and would be bringing them with her when she came for a visit the next day. I was very anxious to see them! She and I had similar tastes in clothes, so I was sure that out of whatever she had picked, I would find something that I loved.
And so the day went.....with time creeping by slower than a snail's pace.
******************************************************************
Michael woke up in his hotel suite in Texas, feeling lost and out of sorts. This week was going to be so hard to get through! He spent the plane trip there in silence, not feeling like joking with or talking to anyone. When he arrived at the hotel and got settled in, he immediately picked up the phone to call Cassandra. It was so wonderful to hear her voice, and they had ended up talking for hours until she couldn't disguise the sound of her sleepy yawns anymore and they finally said goodnight.
Man, he was so tired! He had ended up tossing and turning all night long, hugged up to a pillow, wishing it was her laying next to him. He must have been even more tired than he thought because after he'd ordered breakfast a little while ago, he realized that he had ordered for Cassandra, too! He had to call room service back and take half the stuff off of the order. He was going crazy without her, no doubt about it. And if he had ever doubted how intrinsic and integral that she had become in his life, that notion was already dispelled with the emptiness that he felt.
If he tried to describe to someone how much his heart ached for Cassandra, he would say it was like the music of a great opera. At times it would be soft and lilting and allowed him to function, at other times the violins would play, and he would be sad. Then there were moments when it would rise to a crescendo and the anguish would burst forth from his chest in a torrent of emotion. Every nuance of Cassandra's face was etched into his mind: her high cheekbones and satiny smooth skin, her full, lush lips that tasted like sweet honey and heaven.....her clear, blue eyes as brilliant as any sapphire he'd ever seen.
Michael flopped back onto the bed with his arms folded under his head, stared at the ceiling, wishing the week away. He imagined her lying alone in their bed at the ranch...her beautiful, curly hair splayed across the pillow, the graceful turn of her hips and thighs. At the thought, his stomach clenched, and heavy tingling sensations shot straight to his groin. He could see himself climbing into bed with her, pulling her to him and pressing himself inside her, blocking out the rest of the world.
A cold shower. That's what he needed. A long, cold shower...maybe two...or ten! Being without her was likely to drive him insane. The need to have her by his side, feeling her breath on his cheek and neck when he held her close....to bury his hands in her hair.....
When the knock came at the door indicating that room service had arrived, Michael almost ran to the door in relief, needing a respite from the almost inescapable thoughts of her.
God, it was going to be a long, torturous week.
******************************************************************
I was so tired! I felt like Mom and I had practically hit every store in Santa Barbara and Santa Maria in the last few days! At least we'd had some luck in outfitting her for the wedding and trip. I had even found a special gift for Michael and his mother along with a very naughty little something to wear on our wedding night. I just hoped my belly didn't get too much bigger before then.
Janet had come for her visit, quickly charming my mom with her sweetness and humor while she expertly oversaw the trying on of the many gowns she had chosen to bring. I was careful to stay behind the closed door of the dressing room until I had each one on for fear that she might guess my condition. If there was one thing that I had learned about her, it was the fact that she had a tough time keeping exciting news to herself....much like Patty and my mother.
We got into the limo with our multitude of bags and boxes, leaving poor Eric and J.T. looking like a couple of very uncomfortable sardines in a can! They took it all in stride though, and I really had to hand it to them. They were so kind, patient, and very professional. You would never know that they were bored stiff.
When we got back to the ranch, I went upstairs to rest. Even though I had tried very hard to immerse myself in a daily routine and keep myself busy, I found myself often stopping in the middle of doing something and losing myself in a daydream about Michael. I wondered if he was thinking about me as much as I was him. Of course, there had been nightly phone calls, but they just seemed to take the edge off of missing him for a short time. Every song I heard on the radio or TV reminded me of him. Could I be more of a love-sick fool? I laughed mockingly at myself as I entered the bedroom. Just one more day and night then this misery would thankfully be over.
Michael had called earlier that morning to tell me that he was going to do a call-in interview the next morning on a radio station in Dallas, then board the plane to come home afterward. When he called, he was at Dallas' Children's Medical Center, taking a short break from giving out toys and autographed pictures to the little ones there. I had to admit, that particular part of Michael's routine when he visited each city was my favorite. As much as I loved to watch him perform, I loved seeing him with those children even more!
Something so amazing happened to his face when he was with them. He relaxed. I mean, really relaxed! And that was usually one of the hardest things for Michael to do. He demanded so much from himself and he felt responsible for everyone around him all the time, but when he was with those children, being able to bring a little joy into their lives was truly Michael's "happy place". It was a beautiful thing to witness.
I sighed deeply as I took off my shoes and clothes and put on one of Michael's old t-shirts and my sweatpants. Wearing his shirts made me feel closer to him somehow. Before I lay down, the computer on the desk caught my eye, so I decided to check my email. I moved the mouse, and the screen lit up. I smiled when I saw that Michael had sent me a message some time in the middle of the night. He must not have been able to sleep as usual. My heart raced as I read:
"Cassandra,
Only two more days until I can hold you in my arms again. I say "only" because I'm trying not to make it sound so bad. Girl, I miss you more than I ever thought possible. You and our baby are in my every waking thought. You even come to me in my dreams. I'm awake right now because of one of those dreams.
In it, we were walking together on the ranch when we came to a stream (you know the one with the little bridge across it?). You wanted to have a picnic there under one of the big shade trees next to the stream. We spread out a blanket and ate and drank wine, laughing and talking, kissing and cuddling. It began to rain, but there was no thunder or lightning. It was one of those gentle summer rains that make the trees and grass so green.
I suggested that we should get back to the house, and I began to pack our things away, but you said you had a better idea. You stood and began taking off your clothes. I watched in fascination as the rain ran in tiny rivulets down your face and body. We made love there in the rain, chasing the raindrops across each other's skin with our lips and tongues. It was beautiful, Cassandra! I want to do that with you someday, baby....that and so much more.
Are you dreaming about me while I type this? I can't wait to hold you in my arms and never let you go. I want to dance with you for the rest of our lives, surrounded by our children and grandchildren. I have these dreams, but yet I know that even they can never be better than the dream I'm living every day since we met. You are my dream, Cassandra, and my wonderful reality. In this case, I can honestly say that my reality has far exceeded any dream I've ever had.
Just the thought of you makes me smile, my mind starts to get fuzzy, and I can feel your love wrap around me like a warm blanket. Even though we are far apart right now, I can feel your love inside my heart, holding me close. I want this torture to end so I can take you in my arms and erase the memory of these past days without you. I want you to know that no matter the distance or the time, my love for you only grows stronger with every passing hour. I am always here, loving you, without fail.
I've been writing some lyrics down this week---it seems that being away from you has forced me to vent my feelings the only way I know how. I MISS YOU, and I can't wait to kiss your sweet lips. I NEED YOU, and I WANT YOU so much, babygirl!
I LOVE YOU...always and forever, "M"
By the time I reached the end of the email, I could hardly see the screen through the blur of tears filling my eyes, spilling down my cheeks and splattering onto the computer keyboard. My heart felt so heavy with missing him, but at the same time, light.....like my heart wanted to take flight at the beautiful words he had written.
Resigning myself to another lonely night, I tried to lay down and rest, but I couldn't seem to relax enough to sleep, so I got up and went down to the dance studio. Michael had told me to go there when I needed to feel close to him and after reading that email, that's exactly what I needed.
I closed the door behind me and pressed the play button on the tape deck. I smiled because the music seemed to fit my mood perfectly. It was slow, lilting, beautiful piano music that I had never heard before. It came flowing out from the speakers, and the notes seemed to entwine themselves around me. The ballet lessons that I had taken as a young girl came rushing to the forefront of my memory, and I began to twirl. I lifted my legs and pointed my toes, leaped and twirled some more. I felt as if I were floating! All the worries and the stresses that I had been under just melted away like the snow with the coming of spring.
I lifted my arms and with them, my spirits lifted. Michael was so right. It was liberating...almost magical and at one point, I swear I could "feel" Michael there with me. I felt so safe and secure from all danger, harm or evil. It was almost if he were twirling me around, lifting me up, and wrapping his arms around me. I don't know how long I stayed there, but by the time the last song played, I had collapsed on the floor and lay still, listening to the music, staring at the ceiling and smiling.
There was a different feeling to the room now. It would be hard to pinpoint what exactly that difference was, but the only word that came to mind was synchronicity...the feeling that what I had done by dancing in that room was somehow shared with the other half of my heart so many miles away. That thought gave me peace and tranquility.....enough for me to return to our bedroom upstairs and finally fall blissfully asleep.
******************************************************************
Michael was antsy. He was on the airplane and could hardly contain his excitement! He had just come from the stage only an hour before and was heading home to Cassandra. He grinned to himself, thinking about how he would surprise her by showing up early. He had changed his plans before the show in Dallas because he just couldn't take another night without her. Trying to keep his fidgeting to a minimum because he had already been teased enough by Frank about his anxiousness to get home, he lay his seat back. He slipped on his headphones to listen to a relaxing tape he that had run off before leaving home. It was a song called, aptly enough, "The Story Of Love".
Soon, the beautiful, lilting strains of the piano piece wrapped themselves around him and he felt joy and peace and a sense that somehow, he wasn't the only one listening to this haunting melody right at that very moment. Cassandra. She was dancing! He knew it! His heart leaped with the knowledge. Michael wrapped his arms around himself hoping that she would somehow feel his embrace, and he smiled in elation as he whispered, "I'm on my way, babygirl. I'm coming home."
******************************************************************
The house was dark and quiet as Michael made his way carefully up the stairs. He didn't need to turn on any lights; the moon was shining brightly through the large two-story windows in the foyer just enough for him to see almost all the way to the bedroom door. He stepped inside and closed the door quietly behind him, taking a moment for his eyes to adjust to the change in the dim moonlight coming through the sheer white curtains over the French doors. He quietly got undressed and pulled the curtains back so he could see Cassandra more clearly.
He smiled as his eyes traveled over her body. She was curled up on her side with one hand tucked under her chin and the other flung out, palm up on the pillow next to her. She had his old t-shirt on, and that made him smile even bigger. She must have gotten hot at some point because her sweatpants were thrown on the floor, and she had kicked the covers away from her. Michael sat gingerly on the bed with his back against the footboard, legs stretched out in front of him, crossed at the ankles and watched her sleeping.
He had never seen a more alluring sight, and he had never wanted anyone as badly as he wanted her at that moment. He suddenly had a mental picture of them making love, and his body leaped in response. He thought of them as magnets, drawn together by some force. It couldn't be seen, but it could be felt. At the opposite side of the bed, Cassandra stirred slightly, and he wondered what she was dreaming about.
Finally, he could take it anymore and crawled stealthily over to her. He leaned over her and smiled down. She looked so vulnerable as she slept. An ache crept through his body and his breathing deepened. He leaned down and kissed her gently on the cheek so as not to startle her awake. Leaning back a little, he brushed his hand over her body, starting at her shoulder then a whisper of a caress over her breast. Her nipple immediately became taut under the soft material of his t-shirt, making his mouth suddenly go dry. His hand continued lower across her softly rounded belly. Had their baby grown a little bigger in just a week?
His heart swelled at the thought. He had never felt such a sense of pride, possessiveness and an overwhelming need to protect as she inspired in him. He leaned down to kiss her cheek again and this time Cassandra's eyes fluttered open and still in a mist of sleep, they darted about then she turned her head and focused on his face.
******************************************************************
"Michael? Wha.....Michael!", I cried out in disbelief of what my own eyes were telling me. I turned toward him with a burst of energy that surprised us both and left him chuckling as he held me close. Before I could even draw in the air that my body needed, I melted into his form. "Oh, Michael, you're home!"
Still chuckling, he held me tighter and stroked my hair as he nuzzled my neck. My hands were everywhere on him. I needed to know that he was real and not a dream. He felt real, sounded real. He even smelled real. His cologne and the wonderful scent that was exclusive to him enveloped me, and I began to cry. I could feel my body shake, crying for the time that we could never get back...crying to release the tension of the past week. When he kissed me, it was sweet, gentle, and it tasted of my salty tears. All I could do was sob out, "Don't go away from me, not ever again."
"I won't, baby. I'm home and God willing, I'll never leave you again", he said.
We held each other so tightly that it felt like we had melted together as one being...one heartbeat. "I love you, Michael!", I breathed.
I kept saying it over and over as he rained kisses across my face and lips. "I love you more, Cassandra, I love you more," he murmured softly.
Kissing me so deeply that it nearly stole my breath away, his hands swept down my body then back up again to cup my face. When he pulled back, I could see such raw need in his eyes, and I knew mine reflected the same. His features were strained with emotion, and a tear fell from the corner of his eye to his cheek and he swallowed hard as he tried to speak. It was my turn to lay a silencing finger to his lips. "I know, baby, I know. Just love me now. That's all I need!"
He pulled me up to lift the t-shirt over my head then lay me back gently, running his hands lightly over my body. He knelt between my spread legs and trailed his fingers down my thighs before pushing his body down to lay there, looking up at me. My pulse quickened when he said, "I crave you."
He lowered his head to nip gently each side of my crease with his teeth causing me to inhale sharply then dragged his tongue slowly...so slowly up the center. My hips bucked up in response, and he pulled back to sear me with his fiery gaze and said, "Be still for me, baby. Don't move."
To emphasize his soft command, he reached under my thigh and brought his hand around past my hip to press down on my pubic bone. I groaned at this new form of torment. He slowly lowered his head again and repeated the motion with his tongue. I lay still, but it was so agonizing! Satisfied that I would remain still, he parted me with his fingers and began to lick in feathery movements.....softly and deliberately stroking me with the sole intention of rendering me senseless with need.
Every time I moved, he pushed his hand down onto my pubic bone and withdrew his mouth from me. Watching my face closely, he wouldn't resume until he knew I was totally submissive to him. When he began to suck and lick at the same time, I nearly came up off the bed. But he held me still with just the pressure of his hand and continued to love me with his mouth until I exploded into a quivering, groaning bundle of rapture.
When he was satisfied that he had wrung out every last drop, he raised up over me, caught my jaw in his hand and kissed me then looked into my eyes and almost growled, "I want to be inside of you now!"
Wasting no time, Michael pulled my leg over his hip and entered me. No preamble. No easy joining. Just a raw, aching need to be buried deep inside of me. I gasped as he stretched me, filling me to capacity and then some! He stopped and began to pull back, afraid that he had hurt me in his eagerness. "I'm sor.....", he began.
I interrupted him, "Michael, don't stop. If you stop now, I might die! Love me, please!"
I pulled his hip hard into mine for emphasis and wrapped my leg around his back even tighter as he rolled me onto my back and grabbed my other leg to drape it over the arm that he braced himself on, making him go even deeper inside of me. Unbelievably once again, I felt the first tingling sensations of the pleasure that I knew was only a few breaths away. My mind and my body were already on the brink, and he hadn't even begun to move yet. I moaned as I felt myself beginning to pulsate around him. Michael remained still, holding himself deep inside of me and I could tell by the look in his eyes that he felt my release coming fast.
My nails dug into his arms, leaving little crescent-shaped indentations, but Michael showed no sign that it hurt. He seemed not to feel it at all, so intent was he on me and my pleasure. "Baby, I feel it. You need to cum. I want you to. Don't hold back....let it go!", he said urgently.
He rotated his hips very deliberately, slowly grinding into me once, twice, three times. The fourth sent me spiraling out of control. "Michael!", I called out.
When he felt the tightening inside of me subside a little, he lowered my legs and kissed me, almost devouring me. I wanted more. I wanted him to move and take me to that pinnacle again, but he remained still, buried so deep. He broke the kiss and stared into my eyes as he said, "Did you know that when I'm inside of you, and we kiss, your body squeezes me tighter? I love that feeling, babygirl! You drive me crazy with that!" As he lowered his head to kiss me again, he whispered, "I want more."
As he kissed me, I felt a rush of my wetness gush forth and then he began to move once again very deliberately, with slow, even strokes. I knew he was restraining himself to make the pleasure last longer. I whimpered then, my breath coming in tiny gasps. I felt drunk, lost in the sensations that he was creating. I cried out when he flipped us over and pushed me up to sit on top of him, driving his cock still further up in me. "God, honey, you're so tight...aah!" he cried out. Raising his upper body off the mattress, he continued, "Give me a couple of pillows behind my back, babygirl. I want to watch while you ride me."
I did as he asked, and he pulled me forward just enough to draw first one then the other nipple into his hot mouth. He didn't just lick. He licked, nipped and sucked, running circles with his tongue, sending sparks of exquisite fire down to my belly. Instinctively, I arched my back, my fingers clenching into his hair, holding him to me and wanting the sweet torment to go on forever. But soon, he lay back on the pillow and looked at the pink, swollen nipples that he had tortured so lovingly and shook his head saying, "You're so sexy, baby. I love your breasts. I could spend all night playing with them."
He used his thumbs and forefingers to pluck them lightly, bringing a gasp to my lips. I couldn't stay still then. I had to soothe the precious ache that he had built inside of me again. I rode him....not slow and easy, but fast...and hard. "Yes, baby. That's it, girl! Oh, that feels so good", he groaned feverishly.
His pleasurable moans were driving me on. I rode him until his hips began to rise and fall in rhythm with my ancient dance, his hands clutching my hips. I gazed down into his eyes gone wild as his body bucked underneath mine. I gave him all I could for as long as I could, but finally, another orgasm broke free and was almost more than I could bear. I gasped; head thrown back, eyes closed. I shuddered as he pressed himself deep inside me, feeling my body convulse around him as he grasped my hips tightly. "Are you ready for me, baby? I want to cum for you now", he ground out.
"Yes!", I cried.
He gripped my hips and slammed up into me a few more times, and I felt his whole body shiver right before I felt him jerk and twitch inside of me as he climaxed with a rush. My body answered the call, climbing to that pinnacle and plunging into orgasm once more.
Finally, I collapsed on top of him, and he held me close as he rolled us both to the side, still wrapped around each other. He brushed the hair back from my face and kissed me. Then I felt it. I pulled back to watch his face closely with a small, knowing smile on my lips. His eyes grew rounder and bigger with each second that passed, and I knew he felt it, too. "Cassandra, is that.....is that the baby moving?", he asked in complete awe.
I nodded, grinning widely. Our little one sure was putting on a show for Daddy! Michael's hand shook as he took hold of my face, kissing me and pressing his belly closer to mine. When he pulled back, his face held such amazement and wonder. A tear rolled from his eye and down to his cheek. I reached up to caress his face softly. His voice cracked with emotion as he murmured, "I love you!"
I smiled softly and said, "Just when I think it could not be possible to love you more.....somehow, inexplicably, my heart expands, and you fill the space there. I don't know how that can be, but I thank God for it every day."
Michael held me tight, and a small sob escaped his lips. I clung to him, crying tears of joy along with him. When he was able to speak, he said, "That was so beautiful, Cassandra. You are so beautiful."
He rolled to his back and held me tightly to his side, and I rested my head on his chest....letting the steady beat of his heart lull me into a peaceful, contented sleep. Michael was finally home.
To be continued..........