"I thought you left." Alan comments as I set myself in his red truck.
He didn't run after me. He didn't chase me or try to stop me, didn't even say one word; he just let me go. He let me leave and let me walk away and now I know. Know I see it all, it's all so clear and precise I finally know the real Harry.
"Sorry," I apologize setting all my resentment towards Alan behind me. "I was getting extra work for Spring Break. I'm falling behind so I thought why not." I force a smile and oddly, he returns it. He probably hates me more than I hate him but I miss him. Aside from all the fights, name calling, negative thoughts and expanded hatred towards him, I miss the relationship we used to have. I miss the laughs and jokes, all the funny times and closeness we shared. But who ruined it? Who took it away? Harry.
"Really? Good. That's good." He nods peering out of the window.
It's raining again and it's sickening. It keeps raining and thundering, it won't seem to stop. Every damn day it's like this, every day the clouds are shaded grey and black and it's most probably because God is mimicking my life. My dark and hallow life filled with nothing but pain. Pain caused from the ones I love and hate.
"I'm going to pick your mother up from work so we can go to dinner. Here," He pulls out his wallet and hands me twenty dollars, "buy pizza or whatever. We won't be late. If you need anything," he pauses, "call me."
I have hurt this man, I've labeled him names, I've used his position as my step-father against him, I've caused him stress and anger, created a gap in his marriage with my mom because I made her turn her back on him when this whole entire time, he was right.
"Okay." I take the bill from his hands and open the door. The rain immediately falls on my legs and I step into a puddle. "Alan?" I turn to him letting the rain carelessly fall on me.
"Hmm?"
"I'm sorry." My words have surprised him and he remains quiet. He knows what I'm sorry for, just not why. I should've said sorry a long time ago instead of trying to prove him wrong. Guess I really am the naive one.
Without another word, I shut his door and hurry up the stairs so I can replace my stiff body with serenity. The house is hushed, undisturbed and at peace. It kind of feels like I'm deaf because of how quiet it is.
Right now I'd most probably be at Harry's house, hugging him and crying over the argument about the possible baby. He'd probably feed me the bullshit about being there for me and caring for it, telling me how lucky we'd be and that he "loves" me with all of his heart. "The little heart that I have, I love you with all of it," is what he'd say since it's the one thing he always seems to recite when we argue. Our whole relationship was fed off of it. We lived and breathed the fights. We probably fought and argued more than we actually got along and it makes me want to scream that it has taken me this long to realize who he really is.
It happened to fast. Just like the first breakup, it was out of the blue and just so sudden. He did so many horrible things and I love him so much that I took the blame for the split when really, he caused it. He hid everything from me even after swearing that there was nothing he was hiding, he made me believe that I was the bad one for making him tell me rather than him willingly doing it, he told me Liam was wrong when he tried to convince me that Harry was worst than him. In a way, because I'm so madly in love with Harry and because I gave myself to him, he did hurt me more than Liam. Harry never hit me or took advantage of me, but the love he made me feel hurt me the most.
I fell too quickly, I think that's it. I knew him in freshmen year but he was just another face in the crowd; a face I never payed any attention to. He had his eyes on me for two years and the fact that he loved me before I even had a chance to feel real love really pulled me to him. That's what made me love him so fast. That's what made me fall before him allowing myself to love again after promising myself not to. He fixed me, but the damage he has caused me now is nothing compared to what I was before he did.
I take my time walking up the stairs, counting the wood I'm walking on even though I've counted them a thousand times before. I watch my feet pad against it, not really looking for anything but just occupying my eyes before I reach the top.
I love the silence; it's addicting.
I close my eyes and create a tranquil world as I step into my room. It somehow smells like him.
I pretend I'm in a happy place, a place with no name, but rather a place defining the happiness and joy I desperately and so pathetically want in my life. I see smiles and birds, a sun up with perfectly shaped clouds surrounding it. I see roses and tulips, dandelions and daffodils; all the things that make me happy.
Why can't I be happy?
"Aleevonne?"
I even hear him saying my name. Why won't he stop saying my name!
I don't want to open my eyes. I want to remain in this universe where nothing but happiness exists.
"Aleevonne?" Harry's voice alarms and pounds in my head and vibrates through my veins. "Alee?"
He's here.
My eyes force themselves open and I fall back as if a wrecking ball hit me and I hit the ground. I know I'm not seeing things, I know I'm not hallucinating and the sparkling imaginary world I just saw before my eyes are now replaced with reality.
"Harry?" I gasp crawling away from the monster who I can't stand to look at anymore as he rises from the foot of my bed. "Wh--what are you doing here? Get out!" His eyes don't bother hiding away the pain while he stands and mine doesn't bare tears for my energy to waste them has all vanished.
"Please listen to me." He implores cautiously stepping closer. I hit the door and push myself up, staring at him with nothing but disgust. This man has managed to hurt me more than anyone has in my life time all in just one day.
"Stop!" I shout and he halts, "how'd you get in?"
"That doesn't matter. I'm sorry for everything, you have to hear me out, okay? I swear none of it was true. I swear to God Alee." His eyes widen in fear as the unforeseen moment plays out. Of course he's going to say that. He's going to lie to me some more to cover it up to try and get me back. He's taking me for a fool.
"I don't care, get out." I demand. I won't let him make me fall back into his arms. I can't let him control me anymore.
"Just listen to me!" He raises his voice. He attempts to walk to me but I step aside only to break him more. "I didn't know you were in the bathroom."
"Obviously not."
"You know I love yo--"
"Stop lying to me!" All these fake 'I love you's' aren't going to cut it anymore. It won't hypnotize me into believe him.
"I'm not lying! I swear I love you, I love you so much! You know that!" He declares and walks to me not giving me any time to move. He corners me and holds my face in his hands and I've been through this scene too many times.
"Don't touch me!" I push him off and he stumbles. "Get out!" My furious hand opens the door and I wait not actually expecting him to leave but rather hoping he does. I know him too well to know that he won't and even though I'm wasting my breath I have to stand up to myself and not be that child.
"I didn't mean anything I said. I only said it to make Niall think things weren't working out for us so I could protect you!" He pathetically lies.
"Wow." Is he serious? He can't be. He's smarter than that, he can come up with a better lie. "Protect me? You think you can protect me?" I let out a real laugh. It's funny to me because he actually thinks that. "He comes into my house and tries to hurt me and you're protecting me? He puts a note in my bag and threatens me and you're protecting me? You can't help me, Harry. You have failed miserably throughout our whole relationship and you have let me down so many times allowing him to come in and do what he does and you're protecting me? You're funny." My small laugh has now scaled into a hard one and seeing him so serious and hurt just makes me laugh.
"Failed you? I've never failed you, what are you talking about? I've been by your side since the start, I've helped you through everything, I saved you from getting hurt so many times I even fucking risked my life for you and you're saying I failed you? I only said those things to protect us, and yes I am protecting you." He fights back and my need for him to leave disappears. If he wants to fight, I'll give him one. I'm more than ready.
"I'll give you a minute." My calm tone confuses him and I cross my arms and wait.
"What?"
"I'll give you a minute." I patronise him.
"I don't get what you mean."
"I'll give you a minute to come up with a better lie. You can do better than that, I know you can. It's okay," I fake smile, "take your time."
I've been nice and sweet to him, always speaking to him with a kind tone but not this time. I'm done being his puppet and I'm done being nice to him when he doesn't even deserve it.
"Why are you being like this? I'm telling you the truth!"
I slam the door shut and march to him like I'm on the front line and his eyes never leave mine as they gloss with rage I can't mask.
"You've been using me this whole time for sex. I let you touch me and do whatever you wanted because I love you and this whole time you were using me?" I disclose my sadness to him because I can't hold it in. I can't look him in the eyes and tell him how I feel without feeling some type of pain even behind my confidence. I gave him everything; absolutely everything.
"No, Never! Aleevonne, I've never used you. I swear on my life I didn't. All my love was and is still is real, you have to believe me. Niall likes you okay? And he's friends with Louis and I know I trust Niall but they still talk and if they see us struggling he'll leave you alone. Why would he want to take something I don't care about away? He wants you because he knows I love you. He's trying to get back at me Alee, I have to be careful for the both of us."
"Bullshit!" I don't believe him one bit. Not even a little part of me believes him, that's how I know he's lying. Every time he does a little part of me tries to convince me that he's telling the truth but right now that feeling is lost. "You said Niall and Louis weren't friends! You told me when we broke up!" I recollect for him.
"Now. I'm talking about right now, they're friends." He replies.
"Why are you friends with Niall then? You're not making any sense. You're pulling lies out of your ass! Do you think I'm stupid?" I spit.
"You're being stupid right now! Don't fucking look at me like that!" He seethes when I roll my eyes, "if you would've heard the way I said it, you would know I didn't mean it."
"The way you said it? You said I was fucked up in the head and that having sex with me will make all our problems go away. You said nothing is ever right in our relationship, how do you think that makes me feel? You expect me to take that as a joke or as a lie? To just laugh it off and take you back?"
"Take me back?" He repeats, "you never left me." He says like it's a fact.
"Yes I did. Did my actions not make it clear?"
"You yelled like you always do. You didn't leave me. You're not leaving me." He steps forward with defense, "you're not leaving me." His harsh tone simmers down to a low, husky whisper, as if it's a threat.
"You don't control me," I laugh again, "you can't tell me what I can or cannot do, you don't own me!"
"No, but you're mine. And I already told you that I didn't mean anything I said. I'll repeat myself again," he says with attitude, "I did it to protect you."
"Stop saying that." I warn, "Stop saying you're protecting me when really you're putting me in danger. You said you took care of it--"
"And I did! You said he probably put it in your bag the night he came and I took care of it while you slept."
"I don't care about the note anymore!" I stomp like a child, "you grinned with so much pride when you told him that you needed to use the condom the next time I let you have sex with me." I growled pointing at his chest while my eyes blaze into his, "that wasn't a humoured grin, Harry. What were you trying to say? What were you trying to prove? You honestly believe I'm going to believe that you parading the fact that I let you touch me was a lie? That it was some joke to 'save' me? I had sex with you because I love you, not because I wanted to show off."
"You're fucking with your own head! You sound ridiculous!" His face contorts and brows furrow with disbelief and overwhelming frustration. "Have I ever showed any signs of me using you throughout this whole thing? Have I ever made it clear that I don't actually love you and just wanted to fuck you? Do you see what you're doing to yourself? You catch me at the wrong time and think everything I've ever stood for was a lie. You told me you were in the bathroom alone with him and I know I assumed you were cheating but I believed you when you explained so why won't you believe me?"
"Because you're heartless! That's why!" I yell and his mouths shuts cutting off the words he was about to speak. "You purposely told me to take the condom off to get me pregnant, you call me heartless for not wanting to ruin my life, you ruin my relationship with my step-father, you said my family's fucked up, your messing them up because you're brainwashing me with your lies, you keep telling me you love me when most probably I'm just some toy you enjoy playing with, and on top of that you're putting my life at risk because you decided to be an asshole and have sex with your friends girlfriends making him come back and try to hurt me!" I finally let it out and it feels good. It feels great telling him everything I should've told him from the beginning and I hope he realizes just how messed up he really is.
"I never did it to purposely get you pregnant and I just don't want to kill a fucking baby when I had one already taken away from me. You don't understand, you're being so insensitive. I give and give and give never asking you for anything but your damn love and you treat me this way? Like I'm some piece of shit? There was a reason why I pulled out so I wouldn't get you pregnant and obviously it worked if you're not but how could you kill a child when it has done nothing wrong to you? And I ruined your relationship with Alan? I didn't ruin anything with him," he scoffs taking a breath, "he's the one who fucked with your head and tried to take you away from me! And yes, your family is fucked up, you even know it. Don't stand there and deny it because mine is just as screwed up as yours. And for you to actually believe that I don't love you hurts because I've never loved anyone as much as I love you, not even remotely close and you're going to deny it?" His veins seep through the skin of his neck as he declares his love and explains himself but I could care less. I've obsessed and cried so hard over everything he said that it has bled into my brain and marked me.
"You're just like the rest of them. You're not different and here I was thinking that you were. I can't believe I let you do and say all of those things without seeing the real you. I shouldn't have come back to you." Right when I thought I was strong again, the tears that hid away have now betrayed me and are falling. I don't know where it came from but it won't seem to stop.
"Stop," He whispers begging me to listen to him, "don't say that. I was wrong, I know that but I did it because I love you. I love you so much and I'm fucking obsessed with you. I can't live without you, I can't go a second without thinking about you, you're on my mind all day every damn day and I don't want that to change. I don't want you to leave me, I'm not strong without you! I know I keep fucking everything up but you're the only one who has ever tolerated me." His eyes shine with gloss and my hand becomes paralyzed when he grabs it to hold it in. His skin is warm, kind of damp from the sweat but I can feel his pulse through them. "Nothing I said to him about you was true. I trust Niall, but not who he hangs out with and I know Louis asks about us and if he tells him that we're struggling he'll give up. I had to for us. I would never talk that way about you, you know me."
"No," I mutter yanking my hand out of his and I watch his eyes drop with fear, "I'm too codependent on you. I can't let you do this to me anymore. Despite your intentions to make it better, you're making my life harder. He's going to come for me regardless of what you do or say and I don't want to become his victim."
"You won't, I won't let him." His voice thickens and eyes widens hoping that I change my mind but it's been set and already made up. I simply can't do it anymore.
"It's too late. Get out." I sound heartless just like he said. No emotion behind my voice, no sympathy or remorse, only pitiless, hard-hearted words that makes his breaking heart apparent. I can see it through his eyes; behind the tears he's trying to repress I can see the explosion and I feel absolutely nothing.
I want everything he had ever given me to go. I want every piece of clothing gone, I want nothing of him left behind and all I want is for him to leave.
His head follows my movements and I take the ring from off my nightstand that has his declaration of his love for me engraved in it and I open the small drawer to take out the necklace and bracelet he gave to me so I can give it back along with all of the memories it bared. I hold it out for him to grab and still, not moving or blinking just staring at the jewelry in my hands, he looks up at me.
"What are you doing?" He murmurs.
"Take it. I don't want it."
"Aleevonne, please." He begs finally letting one tear fall, just one. Is that all I'm worth? Of all the tears I've cried for him, he's only crying one for me?
"Don't even try anymore." I shake my head finalizing my decision. "You did this, not me."
"Alee..." He breaths inaudibly, "don't do this to me." The strongest man I've ever met crumbles and burns before me. The broad, unbreakable man I first met with inked arms and fearless eyes is now vulnerable begging me with all he has.
"I said take it." I push it forward hitting his chest and I open my closed hand allowed the jewelry to rip through the air but his hand catches them before it falls. We're both looking at each other like we don't know what we've become or who we've turned into. This is not how we expected our relationship to turn out but I'm left with nothing and literally have nothing else to lose.
I won't be happy or sad once he's gone, maybe relieved but life won't be the same as it was before I met Liam and him.
I'm crossing the room collecting everything he had ever given me and I'm too angry to care anymore. This mary-go-round needs to stop right now.
"Here." I open my dresser and take out the orange material and I nudge it against his chest. I'm cruel but I have a reason why I'm so angry. I have a reason why I hate life and no one can ever tell me I have no right to.
"I can fix this! Please!" He pleads throwing the sweater on the bed to follow me once more. I grab his stupid letter he wrote and his Rolling Stones shirt that is still stained with my mascara from months ago and I throw it all at him. It hits his chest and falls to the ground like a shot down soldier making it all even more real.
"No, get out!" His words have been repeating and replaying in my head non-stop all day long and I can't clear my head of them. He betrayed me, used me, lied to me--he was just pretending the whole time while I loved him with all of my heart. "I can't do this anymore and I mean it this time."
The tears I don't even feel falling from my eyes flood my cheeks and slides down my neck, damping my skin as his does the same. The closed door is now open and I wait.
"I'm not leaving." He leaves the fallen objects on the floor and grips his sweater and jewelrry in his hands. "You still love me!" He shouts to convince himself. "Don't fucking leave me!" His hands open and everything falls and before I know it, he's on his knees before me pleading.
"Harry get up." I demand. I don't want to see him this way, I don't want to have this vision stuck in my head just like that night when I left. All it's been doing is haunting me and I know my rejection will hurt him but I can't go back now, I don't want to.
"Please," he whispers and the tears stains his lips, "One more chance, one more. I'll do anything." His long fingers grip my hips and he kisses my stomach, screwing his eyes shut as my hands falls to his shoulders and I can already feel myself giving in.
I can't let him do this to me anymore. I still love him but I can't put myself through it. No one wants to go through what I did and I'm saving myself from him and Louis.
"Stop it Harry, get up." I try and release myself from him but his grip only tightens. His wet lips kisses my stomach and up my chest and he stands to do the same to my neck. Planting soft but desperate kisses up to my cheek, I pull away before he reaches my lips and he sighs.
"We make each other happy, we need each other." He presses his heated forehead against mine and runs his thumb over my lips as he cups my cheeks, a simple motion he always does to calm me. "You know I love you." His voice is pulled just like the strings to my non-existent heart.
"We need a break."
"No we don't!" He pulls away shouting with full force, "We don't need a fucking break! You love me, I love you what the fuck is the problem? A few mistakes shouldn't change your mind about me Alee, I'm not perfect. I did this all for you! I gave you my life, my heart, my everything and you're going to stomp on it like it's worthless shit? You can't do that to me!" His emotions are running wild and the tears are no longer visible and are replaced with frustration.
"You need to leave." I don't want to talk anymore. I just want this all to end.
"What if you're pregnant?" He manages to say through his broken heart.
"Then I'll let you know. But I can't be with you anymore." I stand my ground like a bird trying to be brave against its predator and I feel as if I'm succeeding.
"If I leave," He clenches his jaw and steps forward to me trying to hide the fact that he's hurt with some type of dominance, "I'm not going to come back."
"That's the point."
There, in this moment, I've never seen someone look so defeated in my life.
Leaving everything, the jewelry, sweater, and letter on the floor, he slowly blinks back the reforming water in his eyes and shakes his head.
I always end up regretting any mean words towards Harry, I always regret hurting him in the end but I don't think I will this time. I've put up with too much and I know it was never his intention but what he said earlier was the last straw and I'm done. For good.
"Really? You really want me to go?"
"Yes." I sternly say and he backs away from me.
He takes small steps back to the pile he dropped and picks up the ring I promised I've never take off my finger and he holds it in the air. Looking at it with pulled eyebrows, he tilts it to read the quote, "I love you more than yesterday, but less than tomorrow." On the final word, he looks into my eyes and his face is completely pale. The lump that wasn't there earlier lands in my throat and I choke out a cry because of how much I've hurt him.
He was my world, he was my everything, but it's tarnished and I have nothing left to give.
The sound of the ring clashes against the ground, hitting it just as my heart falls with it and I feel it turning numb.
My weak hands cover my face and I cry into them and without saying another word, I feel Harry walk passed me and out the room, and his footsteps echos throughout my house and I fall.
I fall because there is no more "us" or "we," there's no more late night hanging outs, no more spending the night with each other and hanging out untill daybreak, no more late night calls, no more kisses, no more hugs, no more "I love you's," no more listening to him play his music, no more joy, no more laughter, but most of all....No more pain.
*you're all going to hate me right now, but I have a surprise...an unpleasent surprise I hope you dont hate me for but I've thought long and hard about this and just don't stop loving me lol......
this is the last chapter.
Only for this book of course! Let me explain, put down your guns! I thought about it and the way I was going to end this book was with them getting back together, which is the alternative ending I had planned, but I thought 'what book ends on a good note? that's no fun!' So I leave you with this! So all you have to do is comment and vote and in no time Pain 2 (the continuation) will be up! First, I have to re-read and edit this story and once I'm done with that, I'll put up the new story (about 1-2 weeks, no more than that I promise. Possibly less if I get everything done fast enough) Maybe if this gets a couple of million reads more it'll motivate me faster *wink wink* :P This is already at 1.9M reads, almost 2M, and it's honestly unbelievable. It has only been like eight months so it's crazy to me. You guys are amazing and I love you with all of my heart. I hope you guys read the next book because I promise you it will be 100% better than this and I promise to meet all of your standards and include everyone and give you the right amount of satisfaction! Thank you again and please don't forget to click the vote bottom and I hope you enjoyed and can't wait to write more for you !! Goodbye for now! <3 <3*
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I just posted Pain 2! Check out my profile and add it to your libraries so that you'll all stay updated :) thank you!! <3