Love and Insecurities
Avi Gupta
I tread along with Ronit in a comfortable silence towards the break room. We saw Julie at her desk and her eyes lit up when she saw him beside me. I hope I didn't show my excitement like that when I saw Avikam in the conference room this morning.
Ronit stepped towards her smiling widely. "Hi Julie!" he greeted her and leaned forward pecking on her cheek. I watched wide eyed while she gasped at his action. He never did that as far as I know, he always maintains certain distance. Wow!
"We got the project," he said grinning totally ignoring her stunned face. She gulped looking away from him with her cheeks red.
"I know, congratulations," she muttered peering up at him.
"Thank you," he said softly staring at her. They both forgot I was standing there in their love fest. Shaking my head in amusement I walked past them to break room. I took out the cake box from the fridge and set it on the nearby table. I was picking up some plates and forks when Ronit strode in whistling lowly.
"You know she was upset last three days when you didn't send letters, even I thought you gave up or something. With your little action back there I am no longer worried about you both," I said appeased and he grinned at me.
"You are the one who said to try different. I am doing just that, don't worry I will make her confess the truth. She will soon admit that she loves me too," he said confidently. Smiling, I handed him the cake box while I carried plates.
When we went back to Avikam's office, they were all sitting on the sofa leisurely. Kushal was sitting on the table talking to Tarak in conspiracy. Meeting Avikam's friends and observing them interacting was fascinating. They are more like brothers with no need of words to understand each other.
All of them are intimidating in their own way with different traits. Yagav is the tallest while Sachit and Hardik are shortest of the group. I am 5'10" and they both seemed just two or three inches taller than me. They all look different in their appearances and even have different personalities. The sofa didn't provide enough space for them to stretch. Kushal told me how they became friends through fighting classes and it is clearly evident.
Ronit moved towards the table and set the cake on it. Kushal opened it without wasting time and licked his lips. He grabbed the mini Oreo I used to decorate on top and ate it within a second. When I stepped forward, he snatched the fork and I knew what he is up to. I kept the plates on the table swiftly and placed my hands above the cake.
He pouted looking at me like I kicked his puppy and whined, "Why?"
I yanked the fork away and took the cake out of the box. Slicing it, I gave the big piece to Kushal first and then served to others. I offered small piece to Avikam because I know he doesn't like sweetness much.
He took the plate with one hand and wrapped his other hand around my wrist. I gazed at him in surprise while he gently pulled me to occupy the place next to him. I could have got squeezed in between if not for Tarak who was next to my left stood up and sat with Ronit on another sofa.
"This is very good, flavors are perfectly balanced. Where did you buy this?" Yagav asked speaking to me for the first time. He is a famous chef and runs a line of food restaurants & hotels. They call him kitchen ninja and mom is a big fan of him. She always tries his recipes and keeps praising him which irritates my dad.
"I made that myself so thank you for the compliment," I said feeling a bit smug for impressing the chef. I always enjoyed cooking with mom in our free times. Avikam gave me a surprised look and took another bite. He gave me a small smile, so small I don't know if I imagined it.
Kushal smirked widely at me, "Does it mean you baked those brownies too? This makes me happy, I get to eat sweet dishes often," he said looking wistful. I narrowed my eyes at him but I know I will be glad to bake cakes for him.
I enjoyed the champagne looking at the cake. Yagav and Kushal had another piece and there is only quarter portion of the cake left. Viraj gave me the idea to celebrate the win with the cake I made for him. I was hoping to save at least two pieces for him and give it to him tomorrow.
"Did you arrange a meeting with Mr.Patel?" Hardik asked looking at Avikam. I was confused because I don't know who he is talking about.
"I did," Avikam nodded. "But I don't think that old man will agree with the offer. He already rejected this company twice in the past. I will try this last time for the sake of Swadesh project," he stated in a hopeless tone. I need to learn about this Patel.
"What about Rajputs?" Sachit asked making me froze. What?
He was questioning Avikam who shrugged with a faraway look. "I will contact them six months later. By then constructions will be started in Newyork and it would be right time to approach Rajput organization for the designs."
What designs? Avikam will be contacting my dad? My body tensed and Avikam looked at me worried. I gave him a faint smile taking a sip of the drink trying to appear normal.
"I think you are just postponing it because of your anxiousness to meet your childhood sweetheart," Tarak teased and Ronit smacked him giving him a pointed look. Tarak side glanced at me and smiled sheepishly at Ronit.
"When my family left the city she was four you idiot. I don't think she even remembers me," Avikam said shaking his head. I gulped down my drink thinking of a reason to escape this talk.
"You told us how close you both were, I am sure she will not only recognize you but also will be excited to meet you," Sachit stated giving me a subtle grin.
"I hope so," Avikam sighed with a smile. He smiled! He smiled at the thought of real me.
I got up abruptly and everyone looked at me. "Um... I need to save the remaining cake for my other friends," I said packing it back into the box.
"But..." Kushal wailed looking at the cake and then me. Not giving in to his puppy face, I tried to leave from there quickly.
I stepped out, but because the door was half way closing I heard Kushal grumbling in anger, "You fucking idiots! Why did you bring up the Rajput girl? You made my Rabbit upset speaking about the closeness between Avikam and her. Rabbit must have felt angry and jealous listening to all that."
Wow! If only. I couldn't be in that room when they were talking unknowingly about me, with me present in front of them. It didn't feel right to hide truth from Avikam. He obviously shared about our childhood friendship with them which explains the importance to him.
I had doubts whether he remembers me or not, now I know he does. Can I still keep my identity secret learning that he values our friendship a lot? He has a place for the little four years old me and my friendship in his life. Unlike me his memories are intact. All I have are few photos and few hazy dreams of my memories.
I placed the cake back in the fridge and stood there contemplating. "You ok?" I heard someone startling me. I turned right to see Sachit leaning on the marble counter. He is the only one who can understand my situation to an extent.
I sighed shaking my head, "I just wanted a normal life. I thought I would come and live here for one or two years and then leave silently. Avikam guessed right you know, I didn't know anything about him. It was mom and dad who told me about us being friends, right before Jay and I came here. I was curious when I met him, I just assumed I must have been just another friend in his life and we were just kids. But now it doesn't seem like it and I feel guilty for hiding my truth," I confessed to him.
"Why are you hiding then? Go ahead tell him the truth," he said simply walking towards me.
"I told you..." I started but he cut me off.
"Don't go on saying you don't want to tell him truth because things would get awkward," he said sarcastically making me frown.
"You are just scared to tell truth," he stated and I opened my mouth to deny him.
He placed his hand on my shoulder looking serious. "Something started between you both and It will only strengthen if he knows the truth that you are his Ishu. You already realize that, don't you? It terrifies you so much that you are still not being honest with him. For some reason you don't want to get to close to him, not as Avi and not as Avishi. Why?" he asked straightly but I remained silent looking away.
I felt him moving my chin up with his fingers. "I know Avikam. He likes you but he is not acting on it because he never felt like this with anyone. You like him too but I am curious to know why you are trying to push that feeling away. Answer me princess," he asked more like demanded me.
I stepped away feeling choked up. He chuckled darkly at me and I looked at him confused.
"I feel sorry for you princess, see the thing about Avikam? He may realize it slowly but when he does, you won't be able to run away from him. Might as well be honest with him right now," he advised mocking me playfully.
It's just an attraction, it will pass with time. Sachit is just over assuming things between Avikam and me right?
He stared at me challenging but I couldn't justify myself. We heard footsteps and saw Avikam at the entrance. Sachit smirked at him and then gave me a kiss on my cheek. I stood stunned at his action while he said, "Bye, princess," loud enough for Avikam to hear. Seriously?
Avikam glared at him but he walked away like nothing happened. He looked at me with a hard face and I was ready for him to say something stupid. "You should head home, its past seven," he said instead surprising me and left from there.
I went to my office and collected my things. I should have helped with the plates but I wasn't in mood to go there again. On my way back all my thoughts were regarding Avikam. Sachit referred me as 'Ishu.' Is that what Avikam called me when we were kids?
I hugged Avikam before, it felt so warm and safe in his arms. When he said we won the project, I couldn't help myself in excitement. We shared a hug the first time in the elevator, but then I was worried about his nightmare. Today I was totally aware of his body pressed against me and the sensations I felt within my body.
Maybe Sachit was right! My head hurts of this complexity.
Passing next weeks, it was just a whole load of work. Avikam and his friends were completely busy and all the time we spent together was solely about the work. I even had to do overnights sometimes. I got to know more about his other friends not on personal level though.
Hardik is more like Ronit, friendly and kind. As for Yagav I have one word 'silent'. If I thought Avikam is inexpressive then Yagav is on whole different level. He is inscrutable and always straight faced. Whoever is going to marry him, he is gonna drive them crazy. Tarak is more like Kushal, flirty and charming.
The childish nature of Kushal is just his completely. At first I thought he was being intentionally playful but the more I get to know about him it's like his another personality. One second he is serious the next second he is a child. I feel his nature is reflection of his own childhood.
Kushal told me his parents never spend time with him and he could never connect with them or his sister. I also asked him about the girl Avikam mentioned. He told me he met her in a shopping mall and they both got locked up in a gift shop for entire night. He is completely smitten with her and when I asked her name, he pouted looking sad.
Neither of them exchanged names or anything personal. They were busy getting out the shop and arguing with each other. It almost felt like me and Avikam getting stuck in the elevator. When they both finally got out in the morning, the girl rushed out in urgency. Apparently Kushal has been searching for the mysterious girl with no luck yet.
Ronit is getting forward with Julie in showing his affections. Julie neither stops him nor reciprocates him. She looks more peaceful than before though even with rumors spreading around the office about her and Ronit. She has this glow whenever Ronit is around.
I should have talked to her about this as her friend but I kept delaying because I know she would bring up Avikam. We decided to have a sleepover this weekend which seemed right opportunity. I convinced Viraj to join us too. I am pretty excited about the sleepover; I never really had one in my life.
That morning I finally confronted Jay about Viraj. "So Viraj huh?" I asked him while flipping the dosa on the pan. Jay stood beside me averting his gaze.
"What about him?" he asked trying to be normal.
I slapped him on his shoulder, "Don't try to lie to me."
He sighed and looked at me. "I like him Avipie but I am very older than him and then there are lot of things," he said looking frustrated.
"Like what?" I asked and he brushed his fingers through his hair looking at the ceiling.
"I don't think he has come out about his sexuality. He has yet to experience so many things and you know I come off too strong, he might get scared. With all the secrets about our family, do you think it is right to start something with him? I feel like I will ruin his innocence and he deserves someone better," he said dejectedly.
I looked at him with wide eyes, "You love him."
He stepped back abruptly shaking his head, "No! I was talking something else and you got that?" he asked baffled. I just stared at him and he rubbed his face slouching back to the counter.
"Jay, all the things you are scared of, doesn't even matter. It's not your place to decide if you deserve him or not. Let him decide whether he wants you or not. If you ask me, you damn well deserve him. There is no one else who will love and protect him like you will. Does age really matters? And about our family you can be honest with him, start somewhere he will understand. It may have been only two months but he always tries to come to your floor making excuses. He likes you a lot; the only way you will hurt him is by staying away from him. Love is far more strong for all these insecurities JayJay," I said trying to make him understand and I realized I sound hypocrite.
He kept silent for few minutes and turned towards me smiling lightly. "You know you are always good at giving advises. I will talk to him tonight about us," he said with a hopeful look. I fist pumped in air yelling out a yes. I hugged him tight in excitement.
"I miss this you know. We used to talk about everything Avipie but now we don't even get much time to spend together. Those horse rides, water fights and uno games I miss all of them," he said nuzzling into my hair and I enjoyed the comfort in my brother's hug agreeing to what he said.
Later that night Julie, Viraj, Jay and I sat on the floor playing uno cards. They both brought a bag with them and changed into something comfortable. Julie convinced her dad to agree for this but she didn't say about Jay living with me. I don't think he would approve that, may be if he knew Jay is my brother.
Fun part was when she got scared of Snoopy. How can someone be terrified of my cute fluff ball? He came and jumped to my Lap, Julie shrieked and moved back. Snoopy started whining and nuzzled more into my stomach.
"Julie you are scaring him," I scolded her petting my dog.
She gave me a look of disbelief, "I am scaring him?"
I rolled my eyes at her, "Calm down, will you? He is of no harm. He is such a good boy, aren't you?" I cooed at snoopy, he barked cutely as if saying yes. Viraj awed at him.
"Just please keep him away from me," Julie said and I nodded seeing her frightened look.
We continued playing and Julie suddenly asked a question, "Viraj are you gay?" Viraj eyes became wide and he started sweating.
"I... I...." he started stuttering while Jay is looking at him intensely.
"He is," Jay stated blankly. Viraj looked at him nervously, while Julie gave a confused look to Jay. Viraj stood abruptly trying to escape but Jay grabbed his hand and pulled him back. Viraj's eyes started to glistening, Jay noticed and turned towards him.
"Listen to me and listen to me very carefully Viraj, it's your own god damn preference who you like. If you are gay then say it loud. It's normal; you don't need to feel insecure about it. I know homosexuality is inhibited in our country, but who gives a fuck about what others think," Jay stated sternly looking into his eyes.
Gosh! They are like eye romancing each other. Viraj suddenly hugged him emotionally and Jay patted his back. Julie gave me a what-the-hell-is-happening-here look.
"Viraj, you are our friend and always will be no matter which gender you like," I spoke smiling at him. He broke apart from Jay blushing deep.
Julie also assured him, "Me too Viraj. I just wanted to know, I don't care if you like men." He hugged each of us wiping his tears.
He turned towards Jay, "Um.... are ... you ... gay?" he asked shyly.
Jay raised an eyebrow smirking at him, "I am. You know that, don't you?"
Viraj eyes shined with happiness while Julie screamed, "What?"
We looked at her baffled. "I never would have guessed you as ....." she trailed off still surprised. I pushed her shoulder and she pouted at me. We had fun playing so many next rounds of game. I noticed the sneaky glances between ViJay and I think Julie did too.
We all decided to turn in when it was almost midnight. Jay and Viraj hugged us greeting goodnight. I whispered, "All the best," to Jay and he grinned at me secretly. Viraj seemed nervous in sharing the room with Jay. I know Jay will talk to him and clear all the doubts to clarification.
Later Julie and I were lying together on my bed trying to sleep. "Do you like Mr. Kushal? I see him around you a lot," she asked facing towards me.
I scrunched up my face in confusion; I thought she will ask about Avikam. I imitated her action turning to my side. "I like him as a friend," I said to her and she smiled mischievously.
"What about Avikam sir? I surely didn't imagine that scene in the elevator," she asked teasingly.
"I do like him. Can you blame me? He is drop dead gorgeous," I said sighing dreamily and she giggled at me. "But I am not interested in a relationship especially with my boss," I said and she frowned at me but didn't probe further.
"What about you and Ronit? You guys seem more intimate now a days," I asked her and I know she is blushing in the dark.
"Jules! As a friend I say one thing, fight for your love," I said on a serious note. Then the following silence transformed into dreams.