"She said my spirit doesn't move like it did before..."
-
Today is the start of new beginnings.
Desolate in the past are my addictive ways and negative thoughts that contorted me into a person that I hardly recognized. From here on out, no more will my destructive ways prevail and leave agony in my wake. I've worked hard to re-invent this new Cash and it's time to improve.
A few weeks after my fight with Sammi and my truths with Lip, Julian and I decided to move into the apartment above the Chinese restaurant. It took a lot of coaxing to not only agree to live above a place that smells like shrimp, but also to gain the courage to actually move. I'd be lying if I said I didn't have my doubts, especially after Lip and I's heart to heart but something told me this would be good for me. I needed to get out of the Gallagher home and start a new life.
Not long after Lip's honesty about pulling away from me when I needed him most, he left – again. It wasn't a surprise watching him walk out that door – but I couldn't shake the tugging sensation I felt in my chest when the door closed. His confession to me meant more than words could possibly mean. It gave me hope that not only did he still care for me, but there would be a chance to rebuild. And this time in a healthy way. Except, I didn't tell him about my big plans with Julian. Maybe I was being selfish, or maybe I was being stupid, but I knew how Lip would react. He cared for me in a protective way but not in a way that fulfilled my needs. None the less, he would be less that excited to hear about my moves.
I would tell him when the time was ready.
But for now, I have to take the right steps to re-inventing myself. And this time, I'm starting with facing my old demons.
Ty.
The night Julian and I moved all of our stuff into the new apartment, I told him everything. Okay well not everything, but I told him about California and my mishaps with Ty Rose. I was practically biting my nails off my finger thinking about what he would think. But to my dismay, he didn't run for the hills with his tail between his legs. He was actually understanding. So a week later, after building long enough pride, I texted Ty to meet me at the pizza shop we once argued over the delicacy that was pineapple pizza.
As I waited for Ty in the back of the shop, I anxiously texted Julian with various emoji's including repetitive middle fingers. Between our late sober nights at the Alibi, and long nights arranging our new space, Julian and I have grown fond of each other. Our relationship has only strengthened since the move. We talk about anything and everything. Our childhood, our high school experiences, his school, my job.
The only thing we don't talk about? Our addictions.
I was deep in thought as I stared down at Julian's eggplant emoji text that I almost didn't hear Ty clear his throat. I quickly snapped up from my phone to see him standing outside the booth with a hesitant smile on his face.
I sat straight and offered a tight smile. "Hey."
"Hey." He smiled with his pearly whites. "This seat taken?"
"All yours."
My stomach rolled itself into anxious balls as Ty took a set across from me. The light above us casted different shadows on his face that only accentuated the curves of his face. The boy was a work of art. Delicate and soft.
"I hope you don't mind, I ordered for us." I said while trying to swallow the ball in my throat, "Don't worry, no pineapple pizza. Just pepperoni and green peppers."
Ty's mouth spread into a large smile as his dimples cratered and he looked down at his lap. "So considerate."
Out of our relationship, Ty was always the talker. Whenever anything was wrong, or needed talking, he would be the one to kick us off. But now he seems reserved and offset. I mean I guess I couldn't blame him. I pretty much ignored the crap out of him after my coke head ways. "So how are you?"
I watched closely as his Adam's apple bobbed while he cleared his throat. "I've been good. My professor is doing a showcase at the Contemporary Art Museum so I've been helping him prepare and setup."
I stifled a sigh as I thought about my first love – art. Drugs didn't only steal my sanity, it stole my purpose. My love for the one thing that actually made sense. I haven't drawn a piece since rehab. Sometimes I fear my mind is too dark to translate to paper.
"He's doing an exhibit on selfies and filters. It isn't finished yet, but it's coming together." The way his eyes shinned while he talked only reminded me how much I loved his drive and passions.
"That's great." Was all I could choke out.
Ty pursed his lips before finally saying, "You should check it out when it's finished. The showcase is this weekend. I think you'd love it."
I opened my mouth to protest as the server dropped off a large pan of pepperoni and green peppered pizza. The server hovered for a moment, adjusting the pan, causing more awkwardness to stir the air between us. My mouth felt like a never ending dry desert as I desperately drank from my water cup before the server left.
"I'd like it if you came." Ty said in a soft tone that caused a chill to run down my spine.
My breath caught in my throat, "Ty-,"
"I'm not asking you as a date, Cassie." He interrupted.
"Then why are you asking me?"
"Because I genuinely care about you." He admitted, "I know things got messy before and I'm sorry I never wrote back while you were in rehab, it was just a lot to process. I was still with Peyton when you sent those and it only confused me even further."
"What do you mean?" I cocked a brow.
"When you sent those drawing's it brought back a lot of the feelings I had for you. The feelings I still have for you." He paused, "But after taking some time to think, I realized I missed you."
I stammered while a million thoughts fueled my brain. "Wait, you didn't break up with Peyton because of me, did you?"
Ty chuckled lightly, "No, Cassie. I broke up with Peyton because she wanted to move our relationship further and I wasn't ready. It honestly had nothing to do with you." I settled into my seat as he explained further, "After our breakup, I just realized that I missed talking to someone who would actually listen to me."
I pursed my lips into a flat line as his words soaked in. While Ty and I were together, it never dawned on me that he was fighting his own battles. He told me stories of his upper-class parents who never approved of his school choices, but I never thought much of it. To me, it wasn't a sob story. But now I'm realizing I was just selfish.
Ty wasn't an asshole. He was just lost.
"My whole life I grew up as an only child with parents who spent more time at the country club rather than tucking me into sleep." His voice cracked at old memories. "I was always lonely. But then I found art, or I guess art found me. And they hated it. I felt like an outcast for so long that when I finally meet you, I was relieved. It was like breathing fresh air for the first time."
My heart felt on edge while I watched the emotion in Ty's face switch from easy-going to pain. The way his blonde brows bent in agony as he reminisced and explained himself almost broke my heart. My whole relationship with Ty, I always pegged him as the easy going rich kid. In my eyes, he never had any problems. But, boy, was I wrong. This boy felt more than I ever thought he could.
"I valued our friendship, Cassie." He spoke with honest eyes and truthful lips, "And we may never be able to have a relationship like we used, but I'd still like to keep our friendship."
My brain emptied with words that I couldn't find the voice to speak. Guilt fell over me like a warm blanket as I thought about all the phone calls I blocked because of him. Not only did I ignore him when he needed someone, I ruined our relationship by viewing him as a monster who wanted to change me.
Ty Rose was complexity wrapped into a bouquet of unsaid feelings and suppressed wants. His persona went deeper than I estimated.
Ty took a deep breath before slumping his shoulders with an exhausted smile. "Did I completely creep you out?"
A snort shot out of me followed by a small chuckle. "Compared to what I put you through, I think you're good."
The smile I fell for crept on his face with a small blush of crimson on his carved cheeks. Beauty was a rose that thrived through a storm.
"I don't know if I've ever coherently told you before," I swallowed my pride, "but I'm sorry, Ty. I'm sorry for everything I put you through when we were together. You didn't deserve any of it." A sympathetic look glazed his eyes. "I blamed a lot of what happened to me on you because it was easier than admitting that I had a serious problem that was dormant before you. I'm really sorry."
Ty pursed his lips and bathed in my words before reaching over and taking my resting hand into his. The pad of his thumb lightly brushed over mine before he finally spoke. "It's in the past, Cassie. You're a new person now and I can practically see the change in you. You're better and that's all that matters."
I felt my throat tighten while goosebumps plagued my skin. The nerves that built in my stomach previously were now put to rest all thanks to the weight that was lifted off my chest. I laid out my sorries to one of the boys who deserved it most and I felt great. Guilt was still a feeling I knew all too well but after confronting Ty, I could feel that monster shrink.
Sobriety and remission take time.
It works if you work it.
Ty pulled his hand back and cleared his throat. The atmosphere instantly changed as he broke the silence. "Did I ever tell you that I don't like green peppers on my pizza?"
My jaw dropped and was soon replaced with a scowl. "Okay what the hell is wrong with you? Do you like anything?"
"I like good pizza." He said with a smirk while shooting me a wink.
I threw my napkin at him in retaliation which caused a spark of laughs from the both of us.
It was a step towards the right direction.
One demon vanished and an old friend appeared.
I got this.
----
After many pizza slice's later and more meaningful words, I plopped down onto the couch Julian bought for our tiny apartment and sighed a million sighs. I couldn't explain to you the euphoria I was feeling, This high was greater than any high I had ever experienced on drugs. It was a genuine feeling that dripped with good intentions and new beginnings.
I was content.
Ty and I were on the road to recovery. I cared about Ty in a way that I never cared for another, but I knew our romantic relationship couldn't be salvaged. Not after I showed a side of me that only came to those who brought it out with just the right touch. We were going to be friends, which is what I needed.
I snuggled up to a throw pillow on the couch, waiting for Julian to walk in so I could attack him with my good news, but my eyes had other plans. Sleep wrapped me in its webs and put me down for the count before I had any time to protest.
Somewhere between dreaming and awake, I felt the air being ripped from my lungs like it was a privilege I hadn't earned. My throat grew smaller as the air became thinner with a crushing weight against my chest that sounded the noise of cracking. My ribs were breaking under the pressure that threatened to puncture my lungs and stab my heart. My very own heart that was thundering against my chest like a storm. Within seconds, I could feel my body being set on fire. All my tendons and bones tingled while shock coursed through my body like electricity.
When I tried to open my eyes to grasp for light, darkness melted over me like nightfall. Everything around me was black and eerie which caused the panic stirring in my chest to increase. My chest heaved up and down as I struggled to breath what little air I had. Everything in my body became tight, almost like I was freezing in place. I was frozen in pain and agony while battling for my next breath. That's when I heard it.
The distinct sound of cackling.
The dry sound sent shivers down my spine followed by ice coursing through my veins. The excruciating sound grew louder and more distinct as I wiggled with all my strength. It was like I was trapped in a box, waiting for my predator.
My heart instantly stopped as I breathed my last breath.
She was here.
Standing right in front of me, my addict's hand coiled her fingers around the bloody object in her hand. Squeezing until it bled more, I felt a stabbing pain course through my chest.
She had my heart.
You thought you were safe.
I gasped.
My body instantly melted from the ice as I shot up, taking air into my lungs like I was drinking it. My chest moved rapidly up and down while air filled my chest like I was trapped for centuries. Heat rushed to my cheeks like a wildfire. I brought my hand quickly to my chest, only to feel my heart betting a million miles per second. I felt it thrash against my chest in fear while a drop of sweat rolled from my forehead.
I continued to touch different parts of my body. My chest. My arms. My throat. My cheeks.
Everything was okay.
I continued breathing in through my nose and out through my mouth while trying to soothe my beating heart.
That was the most surreal dream I've had in a long time. I could practically still feel nails digging into my heart while the air in my lungs burn through my chest. Everything was so real that my hands were shaking uncontrollably.
She had my heart.
I suppressed the burn behind my eyes while my breathing slowed. Just as I was beginning to calm down, the front door ripped open. My head snapped at the sound of the door slamming against the doorstop.
Julian.
He sauntered in with his backpack slung over his shoulder and a defeated look on his face. Before speaking to him, I glanced at the clock on the wall. It was ten o'clock. I slept for three hours.
Julian dropped his bag to the ground while kicking off his shoes before he sank into the empty spot on the couch next to me. I sat with my knees pulled to my chest. My mind felt like it was on Adderall as a million thoughts ran through my head. I wondered if he noticed.
Julian let out an exasperated sigh as his shoulders slumped. He looked like death. There were dark circles under his blue eyes and all color was drained from his face. His once-neatly-kept hair was shooting in different directions while his five o'clock shadow stuck out like a sore thumb. "I feel like shit."
He must have had a bad day too.
I wonder if he was feeling what I was feeling.
Hunger.
My voice came out hoarse as I spoke, "Tough day at work?"
"Tough doesn't even begin to explain the start of it." Julian pulled a throw pillow from my side and tucked it into his arms. "I just worked at 20-hour shift in the ER. I don't even know how I got home."
I was thankful I had the day off. As I tried to flood my brain with positive thoughts, I couldn't shove off the sting in my chest that reminded me of the pain I just endured.
It felt like withdrawal on steroids, which was ironic.
"You gonna go to sleep?" I asked, while noting his glazed over eyes.
Julian held his hands over his face before running them down to rest at his jaw. "I forgot I invited a few friends over."
I raised my brow in question which he glanced over and saw.
"A few of my friends from college heard about my new place and wanted to check it out." He sighed, "Kind of like a housewarming party."
"We live in an apartment that smells like Happy Family."
Julian let out an exhausted chuckle before sinking deeper into the couch. "They should be here any minute."
And right on cue, there were knocks at the front door. Julian looked over at me with hooded eyes and sighed. "Here we go."
As he got up to answer the door, I took the opportunity to head to the bathroom. Once I turned on the light and walked over to the mirror, voices sounded from the living room. A lot of them were hollering and shouting, which I'm sure Julian enjoyed.
My eyes glanced at the mirror and I was shocked to see my drained face. I was as white as a sheet with dark circles that hung from under my eyes. Not to mention, the hazel in my eyes were outshined by the bloodshot.
I groaned. This was the face I was too familiar with.
The face that triggered my fight or flight senses.
Before making an appearance to Julian's party, I ran a brush through my hair before pulling it up in a sloppy bun. I ran water over my face before applying mascara and a light touch of lip gloss. I glanced at my reflection one last time. It was half assed, but at least it wasn't weak.
I took a deep breath before reaching for the doorknob.
Almost like an alarm sounded in my ear, I looked behind me and saw my mouthwash sitting by the sink. The blue liquid eyed me before I walked back and ripped off the cap.
A little bit of mouthwash wouldn't hurt.
----
Julian's small house party turned into twenty people over the fire code capacity but he didn't seem to care. The once-tired boy smiled from ear to ear as he mingled with his loud friends. Everyone was laughing and singing at the top of their lungs while others played flip cup in the small kitchen. Music buzzed through the small two-bedroom apartment while feel good vibes flowed easily.
This wasn't stressful. It wasn't wild like the other parties I lived through.
But as I sat in the corner with my water filled cup, I couldn't help but notice the amount of alcohol that flowed. Everyone was either holding a beer or taking shots out of small shot glasses. It struck me as weird considering all of these were Julian's friends. Were they not aware that he was sober?
I couldn't answer that question but I certainly watched Julian like a hawk. Despite his many drunken friends, Julian held a high smile with no hesitation as he clutched to his water bottle. He was being strong.
I, on the other hand, can't say the same for myself. My skin was practically buzzing with desire as everyone walked past me with glazed eyes and rosy cheeks. Their smiles were so relaxed as they took steady drinks from their solo cups like it was nothing. It made me sick. I spun my rings around my fingers nervously as something began to build in my stomach. I felt my chest constrict while my eyes scanned the room, falling on everyone who was drinking so easily.
I bounced on the ball of my heels while chewing on the bottom of my lip.
The drink of mouthwash I had earlier helped put me at ease, but it didn't stop the pain in my chest.
My addict giggled at me in the corner of my mind while I tried battling my demons. I needed to reason with myself or I would go out of control.
I continued standing awkwardly in the corner while an all-out fight broke out in my mind.
I was never addicted to alcohol.
Alcohol was never the problem.
I repeated the mantra over and over in mind, not realizing that my feet were taking me to the kitchen. My fingers shook while my conscience screamed at me as my hand reached for the beer sitting in the cooler by the small island.
Alcohol was never the problem.
My throat tightened and tears burned behind my eyes. I was overcome with emotion and guilt. It was the storm I felt earlier. It was coming and it was about to hit. Panic rose in my chest while the sounds of the party came to a dull silence.
Mine.
Suddenly, everything in my brain stopped. The noise was gone. The nerves were gone. The shaking ceased. Every guilty thought I had drained from my brain like a tub.
Everything stopped.
The moment the rim of the can left my lips, and the liquid traveled down my throat, a different feeling came over me.
It was happiness.
----
"Bitch!" I screamed through blurred vision as I threw my phone against the wall, causing pieces and chunks to fly in different directions.
My chest heaved in anger that flooded my senses. The ringing continued in my ears while tears poured down my cheeks. My face was heated with emotion as I gripped the roots of my hair and paced back and forth.
I was drunk.
I could feel it in the pit of my stomach. My vision blurred, not only from my tears, but from the sinful drink. My limbs felt tingly and my body felt light. What once felt like happiness, was now anxiety bubbling to the surface.
It came too fast.
One beer turned into six. One shot turned into eight. One body shot lead to tears on my behalf. And next thing I knew, I was locking myself in my room while screaming at myself to make the voices stop.
It was my addict – no, this was all me. I was screaming at myself for different things. From all different angels. I wanted more. I wanted to not feel a thing. I wanted the pain in my chest to cease. But I also wanted sobriety. I wanted genuine feelings. Real feelings.
I wanted more than this.
I wanted to be strong.
I continued sobbing uncontrollably as I gripped onto my chest, trying to calm myself. I was sober for so long, and I threw it all away because of a bad dream. A moment of weakness that got me caught up in myself.
I did this to myself.
All for nothing.
The more I paced, the less I could breath. I was practically burning a hole through my carpet as the party sounded behind my door. People were screaming and laughing. People were dancing and singing. Everyone out there was having a good time.
I needed air.
Ripping open my door, I shoved my hoodie over my head and walked towards the front door. Before leaving, I casted one look over my shoulder to find Julian but I couldn't see him. He had been out of sight all night long after I started drinking. I'm not sure how much he saw, but the thought left me feeling ghostly.
Endless, taunting, thoughts continued to eat at my brains like acid while my feet walked at a pace that was too fast for a drunk person. My side vision blurred as buildings past, and cars honked. I saw streetlights, and buildings. I heard arguing and crying. I heard dogs bark and people laughing. Everything was a blur, it all past by me at the speed of light, leaving nothing but echo filled noise.
More tears continued to trail down my hot cheeks as I held my arms tight over my chest. My stomach was filled with anger and guilt that made me sick beyond words. I felt something stirring, but this time it wasn't the storm.
It felt like my world was spinning out of control.
I could have been one shot away from a line.
And that thought didn't scare me. It angered me.
I breathed in and out while sobs continued to shake my body. The night air was still brisk and cool, but I could hardly breath. It was like air was being stripped from me like in my dream. All the aches in my body pressed on while I felt more pain in my chest.
Everything was hurting.
And I did this to myself.
My thoughts rolled around like drugs in my head before I finally came to a stop that felt like memory. I wiped a few tears from my cheeks before lifting my head and raising my hand to knock.
It took me a moment to finally realize where I was before the door ripped open and my last tear fell.
I took one last breath as my heart kick started to a familiar synchronized beat.
It was our beat.
It was Lip's beat.
----
I'm trying to pick this story up but I'm a perfectionist who has a love/hate relationship with writing.
I know I promised this chapter to be about the fight I mentioned in the last chapter, but it wasn't flowing so I put it to the side for now.
Things are going to start picking up after this chapter and I'm excited. Hopefully I'll update more.
I hope you guys have a great Halloween! Consider this update my treat to you (even though it was kind of a snooze fest). Anyway's let me know what you guys think. I need encouragement and love. :)
Thank you for everything!
xo
P.S. Idk why, but I posted another Lip story on my page -_- it has no connection to this one, I just thought I'd try something new. Check it out, please!
***song lyric: cringe - matt maeson