Severin Moran sat on an uncomfortable chair in the hospital waiting room, his head in his hands. He was 9 years younger than his brother yet the resemblance was uncanny. Countless lipsticked aunties and drunk uncles would comment about how similar they were, back in the days when the Morans were still considered a family. He could still remember vividly him and Sebastian sneaking out the back of one his father's social affairs for a cigarette, and Seb promising to always take care of him and be there for him. The next week he left for the army and he didn't see him since. Until he saved his life, of course.
It was strange for him to see his older brother in such away. He was always the strong one. Sev always knew that he took their father's beatings so he wouldn't have to suffer through them. But he never got a chance to thank him. So when he had heard one too many rumours about him sofa surfing and getting arrested and being on, though he still couldn't believe it, heroine, he decided that it was his turn to save him. It was his turn to be strong. He just couldn't have anticipated how bad his brother had gotten. And the perfect timing had started him questioning whether or not there was a divine intervention at some point. He hadn't called their family because he didn't know if Seb would want that. Though Severin still lived with his mother and father, he knew that Sebastian had far less of a relationship with them. He didn't want to add to his list of stresses. A failed suicide attempt was enough to deal with.
The last time he had spoken to him was the morning he left to join the army. It wasn't emotional. It was abrupt. Both parties regretted their last interaction and wished that they had said all that they wanted to say. Though Seb would never admit it, in the many times he thought he was going to die, his mind always went to his little brother. And all he could feel was guilt. Guilt and regret for leaving him in that house with that man. He also felt badly for his mother, but he justified her in his own mind that she chose to marry him and didn't choose to leave so deserved what she got. Though he knew it was cruel and wrong to think that, he just couldn't deal with that part of his life anymore and just needed to get away. Even a war zone was better than what he called his home.
"Severin Moran?" A young doctor stood in the corridor. Sev stood up, shaking himself off. His legs were stiff from being sat down for so long but he didn't care about himself anymore.
"Yes, that's me. Is he okay? Please say he's alright..." He couldn't bare the thought that his brother wasn't. He couldn't even entertain it.
"He's stable. We just need to perform an assessment on him before you can see him, okay? It won't be long, I promise. Is there any other member of family we can contact? Other than yourself, I mean. He talks about a Jim, do you know him?"
Severin shook his head, "no, sorry, I don't-I don't know him... I haven't seen Seb in years, it-it was a miracle I got there when I did, really... I-I don't know what I would have done if- oh God..." Tears spilled over his blonde lashes and fell onto his hand, which wiped them away quickly. The doctor put an arm around him, comforting him.
"Suicide attempts are always hardest on the family... there are people there for you. We can offer therapies for you as well as Sebastian. Would you like a leaflet?"
He politely declined, "no, thank you. Thank you. I'm alright... I just need to see him."
"It shouldn't be long. An hour at most, I promise," the doctor took his arm away, starting to leave. "And, Severin, if you need anything, I'm here, alright?"
"Thank you," he forced a small smile and then sat back down. As much as he tried, he couldn't stop seeing Sebastian's blood every time he closed his eyes. Everywhere. So much of it. And Seb himself lying on the floor, tears running down his cheeks, screaming in pain. Severin was never acclimated to violence, not like his brother was. He hated it. He hated conflict of any kind. He hated blood. He hated drama. He just wanted a quiet, peaceful life but he was starting to get the hint that it wasn't going to be possible for him.
The two brothers said nothing for a long time. They just held hands and stared at each other, crying. They didn't know what else to do. There wasn't anything else to do. Sev lowered his gaze to the bandages on his wrist and then let out a sob.
"How could you- why-?"
"I'm not in a good place, Sev..." Sebastian instinctively took the role of the older brother when ever he was around him. Until he was 18, he made it his only care to protect his little brother from everything, everyone. He sighed, "you didn't ring them did you?"
Sev shook his head, wiping his eyes with his free hand, "no, no. Who can I call? They said something about Jim?"
Sebastian's eyes went dull for a moment and then he responded with, "no. There's no Jim."
"Oh, okay," Severin looked down, "did you split up? Is that why-?"
"He's dead," the monotone of his voice didn't reflect the pain inside. But that was probably a good thing. He couldn't imagine anything that could convey how much he was hurting.
"Oh God, I'm so sorry, I had no idea-" Severin gasped, his hand to his mouth. "You, you should have told me... I'd have been there... You can ring anytime, you know that. I could have helped; I could have done something... I'd do anything for you, Seb, you know that. I love you more than anything; you're my brother for God's sake."
"You've done enough for me, Sev. If you didn't – if you weren't there when you were, I would have died."
"Don't talk like that, please..." Severin instantly started crying again. Seb pulled him close so he could hug him.
He held him to his chest, "I'm sorry, Sevy. I should have told you. I should have come to you. I know you'd do anything for me because you're such a fucking perfect guy. I love you too and I'm so sorry I left you there with him; I shouldn't have and I would do anything to undo what I did and I'm so sorry. I love you, I really do."
"I know, I know... it wasn't your fault. You couldn't stay there... he was awful to you," he shook his head, sniffing, "I don't blame you at all. I forgive you. It's okay."
"I should have protected you until you could do it yourself... I was an awful brother. I just left you there with no way out... I was fucking awful and I'm so sorry, Sevy."
"Please, just... just be quiet. It's okay... I'm just glad you're here to talk at all. Whatever's happened has happened and I don't care about it anymore. I'm going to take care of you now, okay? It's my turn to do the fixing. It'll be like before, when he'd lose it and I'd have to patch you up, eh? It's my turn to make you better."
He was a man who was true to his word. Whilst Sebastian was recovering in hospital, Sev cleaned the house up. He scrubbed the carpet until the blood was gone. He threw the shards of glass out. He hid all the pictures and reminders of Jim where Seb wouldn't find them. He also, on Seb's orders, took the money out of the safe and put it in his own bank account so Seb couldn't go out and take more drugs. And once he was released, he lived with Sebastian in the house and took care of him. He made sure he ate, washed, got dressed, exercised, slept. More importantly, though neither of them knew it was more important at the time, he kept him company. And company was all he needed, more than anything else. He wasn't Jim but he was someone who cared for him just as much. All Sebastian really needed was to know that he wasn't alone in the world, which is what he thought he was after Jim's death. He knew that he was loved. He knew he had a reason to carry on.
They eventually spoke about Jim. Sebastian told him everything. Every little detail of everything. He knew his brother wouldn't go to the police about anything, he trusted him more than he trusted Jim when he was alive. It felt good to just talk about things. It was what he needed. He talked and he cried and he cried and he talked. Severin listened and comforted him. He felt awful for his brother to lose someone so dear to him. He didn't know how to fix the mess Jim had left, but he tried his hardest.
Seb had his head on his brother's chest. He was crying. He did that a lot.
"I miss him so much... I just miss him being here. I miss his smell. I miss his hair. I miss his bloody psychotic episodes. I miss his tantrums. I just want him back. I want him here. I want you to meet him. I-I wanted to marry him..."
Severin found it hard not to be upset when his brother was so bad, so was crying too, running his fingers through his hair, "I wish I could change it... I really do..."
"I'd sell my fucking soul if I had one... I just need him back. I don't know-I don't know how to carry on, you know? I don't know what to do with my time. I'm not sure how I filled the hours before I knew him; I just know that after I met him every minute was spent thinking about him."
"Oh, Seb..." the younger of the two shook his head, sniffing.
"But I'm so glad you're here. I need to be thankful for what I do have, which is life and a little brother who's just perfect. I can't thank you enough, I really can't."
"It's okay... I know you'd do the same for me."
There was a silence, "does he know you're with me?"
"Mum does. I don't know what she told him though. Possibly. I don't know."
Seb sighed, "whatever pain he caused me is nothing compared to the pain I'm in after losing Jim so I don't care... nothing can be that bad."
"He wouldn't hurt you now, not that you're older. He's an old man himself. He doesn't have any strength left."
"Words hurt too. Sometimes they hurt more."
The months passed by quickly. They kept the same routine and Seb found, slowly, that he was starting to heal. Just a little. It was getting less painful to think of him. But he did find that he was finding it harder to remember his face. Detail wasn't there anymore, it was just a hazy image of colour and shape. He hated himself for it, like it was a form of dishonouring his death. The wound healed and so did he, kind of, in the end. With help, he didn't go back to drugs. Christmas was painful, though. Severin made sure he spent every moment with him over the holiday. They didn't separate. He needed to make sure that he was okay and that he could get through it.
It hurt him to be doing with Sev what he should have been doing with Jim, like opening presents and having the Christmas meal and pulling crackers. It felt like betraying Jim, in a weird way. Sebastian wasn't excited about Christmas, so Severin did all the preparation, like Seb had the year before. He cried when he thought about how he'll never get that time back again.
Except he would because Jim Moriarty wasn't actually dead. He was very much alive and living in a small island he owned off the coast of Australia. The 10 month period of being in hiding without Seb was just as painful for him. He had intended to get someone to update him on Seb's status, but once he heard about the drugs he decided he didn't want to hear anymore. Just because he didn't receive updates, didn't mean he wasn't constantly thinking about him. Because he was. He just knew that the more he was told, the more he'd worry. He wished more than anything that he could reach him and tell him that he was okay, that he would be back soon. But he couldn't risk it. He had lots of bad people after him and couldn't leave anything to chance. If Seb was seen going to visit some strange off-map island, they would guess. He just couldn't risk it. Any mistake and he really would be dead.
It was a waiting game. He had anticipated it would take a few months, but he didn't think it would be as long as it was. He needed to wait for his men to take out the people who were after him. It took a surprising amount of time to execute without the other parties involved getting suspicious. But, after 10 long months, it was finally done and he was able to come home. He convinced himself that it was going to be alright, that all would be forgiven, but he knew it wouldn't. He was too nervous and guilty to put into words. For once in his life, he didn't know how to deal with the situation. He didn't know what to say, how to say it. He didn't know how to be forgiven. He wasn't even sure if he could be.
Sebastian and Severin had gone shopping for a few hours and were consequentially out when Jim came back. So he waited in the living room, his leg moving up and down uncontrollably through his nervousness. He was given an ETA of 3 minutes by one of his spies. That's when the nerves really kicked in. He didn't know what to do. He stared around the living room and was too anxious to notice that the white rug was a little bit brown in some parts and that all his pictures were gone.
The car pulled up. There was some light chatter. He took a deep breath. The door opened.
"Hello, handsome." Flirting was always his go-to thing when he didn't know what else to do, and, judging by the look that was on Sebastian's face and the shopping that was now on the floor, it wasn't a good choice of introduction. So he added, "guess what? Not dead." He gave a small chuckle and smile. Very, very small.
Sebastian took 4 steps towards him and then froze. His face was stone. It was then that Jim could see how much he had aged in the months he hadn't seen him for. And it was then that he realised that he had caused more damage than he had thought.
There were no words as Sebastian grabbed him by the throat and held him against the wall, easily a foot above the ground. Severin came in and also dropped his bags when he saw the situation. He took a retake and moment to see what was going on. He called out for him to stop, but both Sebastian and Jim were deaf to his words. They were oblivious to anything except the look in each other's eyes. Jim was pleading with him silently and Seb was purely focused on trying not to kill him, as much as his instinct was to snap him in half. He held him there for a good minute and then punched him in the gut, letting him fall to the floor. He took a step back, taking loud and shallow breaths.
Jim looked up at him, his legs to his side, his throat burning, "you never told me you had a brother."
"Oh, are we talking about things we haven't told each other now? Well, how about letting me think -" he couldn't stop himself from kicking him in the stomach, " that you were fucking dead?! " He kicked him and kicked him until Severin dragged him away.
Jim coughed, blood splattering onto his hand, "I know you're angry, but please... don't do this. Act rationally."
"Rationally? Act rationally? " Seb laughed, clicking his knuckles. Then he grabbed Jim by the collar and dragged him to the front door, "how about you get the fuck out before I actually kill you? Because I'm pretty sure the only way I'm ever going to know if you are actually dead is if I kill you myself, right?"
Jim was sobbing, still on the floor and in pain in lots of places, "please just hear me out-"
"No. I'm fucking done with hearing you out, Jim. You had 10 fucking months to tell me. Now it's too late. It's too fucking late, you bastard. Look at me," he ordered and Jim did so, looking like a rabbit caught in headlights. "You know how late this is? Do you know how this could have been?" He pulled up his sleeve, revealing the streak of scar. Jim stopped sobbing. He stopped everything. "It could have been pretty fucking permanent. And you know what? I wish it was. Just so you could see that you can't use me like this anymore. So you wouldn't have a Sebastian to come back to."
Jim snapped out of it when he pulled his sleeve back down. Then he put his hands in front of himself like a beggar, "Sebastian, I have never been more sorry in my life. I have done something truly despicable. I-"
"Save your words. I'll tell you this now: James Moriarty, I will never forgive you. Ever. I will never, ever forgive you for doing this to me. This cannot be forgiven." And with that, he literally kicked him out of the house and slammed the door.