Lisa
I woke up again today not caring about what day of the week it is, not caring about what happens next, not caring about anyone else but my own misery. Everyday was a routine, I'd go to school, do my homework, hang out with friends, and maybe sneak out at night to attend a party or two. I try to fill the void that I call my heart with anything just so I could start feeling something other than this numbness.
Today, me and my gang of friends skipped our last class to hang out in this cool abandoned warehouse just a couple of miles away from town where we could drink a few bottles of beer, and smoke a couple of cigarettes. I was already on my third bottle when Mike decided to have a heart to heart conversation with me. "So.." He started, making me raise one brow in inquiry.
"So what?"
"How are you?" He asked, making me roll my eyes. I already know know where this is going.
Tight lipped, I answered, "I'm fine."
"It's just that you've been acting all.." Having a hard time of phrasing what he wanted to say, he motioned at me with his two hands, "..that."
"I said, I'm fine." I was getting irritated at his unwanted nosing. Here I am just wanting to have a good time and here he was trying to ruin my mood.
"No you're not. Jennie's always been asking for you and she's really worried sick--"
"Drop it Mike." I gritted before he could continue pressing me on. I was careful not to raise my voice so that the others wouldn't be alarmed by my brewing distress. The night is still young and I don't want to ruin the fun by talking about this particular subject, but Mike apparently have other ideas.
"Come on, man. I don't know what happened but maybe you should at least talk to her,"
I tried to hold on my temper but I have a very short fuse these days, and one more word out of his mouth-- ", she's your best friend after all."
"I SAID DROP IT MIKE!" I finally snapped and screamed my lungs out. "You think Jennie will like you by getting on her good side?! WELL GUESS WHAT?! SHE'LL NEVER GIVE YOU A SECOND GLANCE SO JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP AND MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS!" Breathing in and out, I realized that I may have gotten overboard, but I didn't care. I needed to say it out loud.
But are you really saying this just for him?
Ignoring the little voice in my head, I finally noticed that the others were now gawking at us, worriedly. "I was just fucking concerned about you Lisa." Mike stated, sounding offended and hurt by what I said.
"What's going on?" Steve asked as he got between us. "Mike?" He looked at Mike but Mike just shook his head in dismay and looked away. Steve turned to me instead, expecting to get the answer he is looking for, but I'm too pissed off to explain anything to anyone.
"I'm out of here." I stated before walking away, not waiting for any of them to respond.
"Wait up!" Steve caught up to me outside the warehouse but I didn't stop walking. "Hey, let me drive you at least."
"I can drive myself fine! You know damn well I'm still sober Steve." I rejected his offer outright and got inside my car.
I heard him knock on my windows so I opened it up to hear whatever he has to say. "You know Mike was only worried about you right? And it's not just him. We all know things haven't been great between you and Jennie lately, and we're just really worried about you."
"GOD! Would everyone just stop treating me like a wounded dog?! I'm fine and I can take care of myself!"
Shoulders drooping in surrender, he sighed. "Just take care all right?" He said as he stepped away from my car. Their constant worrying just pisses me off more so I stepped on the gas without looking back at him, and drove home as fast as I could.
I got home only to find both my parents waiting for me in the living room. I wasn't expecting my dad to be home this early so I wasn't prepared when he stood up and started grilling me as as soon as I walked in, "Where the hell have you been?!"
"I was in school." I responded with a straight face.
"Don't you dare lie to me! Your principal called to inform us that you've been cutting classes! Did you cut class to hang out with your so called FRIENDS again?!" So he already knew the answer then why is he still asking me this question? I didn't want to confirm it out loud, so I defiantly kept my mouth shut and stared at them blankly.
"ANSWER ME LALISA!" He bellowed with his most threatening voice, startling me and making my bravado temporarily waver, "Yes." I answered in a small voice.
"You think we're busting our asses in this country to give you a comfortable life and good education just so you could throw it all away lile this?! I've heard this wasn't the first time you've been skipping classes and that you're always sneaking out at night to go just god knows where.." He went on and on but I decided to let his words pass through my ears without listening to him. He'll just say the same shit over and over again until my ears will bleed anyway.
"WHAT CAN YOU SAY FOR YOURSELF?!!" I snapped back into attention when he raised his voice louder. "THAT'S RIGHT NOTHING!" He said after I wasn't able to give him an explanation. "FROM NOW ON UNTIL YOU GRADUATE, YOU'RE ONLY ALLOWED TO HEAD HOME AFTER SCHOOL, GOT IT?!"
"You can't do that! I have group projects and Thesis papers to finish!"
"Well you better do it all at home because I wouldn't be allowing you to go out anywhere else!" I didn't have the patience to hear any more of his lectures so I turned on my heels and headed towards the stairs.
"LALISA MANOBAN! Where do you think you're going?!" Dad yelled after me but I didn't stop. I'll have whatever punishment they decided for me, but I'm not in the mood to be yelled at all night.
"Calm down Niran. Let's talk about this..." My mom's voice faded as I got up the stairs and into my room. Hearing her trying to placate my angry dad made me feel a little bit crappy about myself. I know that she's also disappointed in me, but even now, she's still trying to help me out. She doesn't deserve a daughter like me.
I turned on the lights and just stood in my room, not knowing what to do with myself. I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror and saw a stranger. Her eyes were dull and of the saddest shade of brown. She looks liked she'd been crying for a long time now, but I didn't feel anything at all. I am detached from her and all the loneliness that she possess.
Snapping my attention from the reflection in the mirror was soft knock that was placed on my door. "Honey, can you let me in?" My mom asked gently on the other side, and I didn't hesitate to open it up and let her in. Upon seeing me, her eyes immediately softened in a look of sadness, and understanding. Just one look at me and she already understood what I couldn't comprehend. What I wouldn't comprehend. "Oh honey," she said as she enveloped me with her arms.
I didn't understand her reaction at first, but immediately understood when I finally felt the hot tears streaming down my face. Realizing that I've been crying, my breathing turned unsteady and my throat became thick with emotions. Ever since I was old enough, I never showed my tears in front of my parents but right now, as I'm being cradled in my mom's soft and warm embrace, I felt no ounce of shame as I let it all fall down from my eyes.
"Do you want to talk about it?" She asked gently while caressing my hair.
"I..I.." Voice cracking, I was having trouble getting any words out of my mouth but I pushed the words out anyway. "I.. can't mom." I sobbed harder, finally realizing how much heartache I've been pushing away. A part of me has always been aware of all these feelings inside of me, but I honestly don't have the strength to face any of it yet. I just can't. So all I've been doing is to push it all away, including her and our friendship because with it, comes these strong feelings and emotions that shouldn't exist in the first place.
"Shh.. it's okay." My mom kissed the side of my head. "I'm not going anywhere. I'll always be here to listen when you want to talk about it, okay?"
I nodded and softly cried into her arms until I exhausted. Like a child, my mom safely tucked me in my bed and kissed me goodnight as I drifted into sleep where the most beautiful pair of light brown eyes greeted me with so much longing and fondness reflected on it's depths.
The raven haired girl's arms were all around me, crushing me into a heartfelt hug, and my heart rate immediately started racing up in fear, and from something else. I wanted to push her away but my body had betrayed me and went lax against her soft and warm ones.
Please.
I cried out but she didn't let me go, her hold on me just got even more tighter.
Oh Jennie. If being away from you hurts, then being with you like this hurts even worse.
Feeling helpless and torn, I just stood there frozen for a few seconds before eventually caving in and returning her hug. Why would I deny myself of her warmth even in my dreams? This is something I long for and I'd give myself just this temporary moment of weakness.
Locked in a tight embrace, I couldn't help but wonder how she can't feel the loud beating of my heart, or hear the thunderous sound that it creates.
I smiled sadly as I burried the loneliness I feel in the intoxicating smell of her silky locks. Although a part of me feels anguished, a better part of me is relieved that she couldn't spell out the three words that my heart has been longing to say all along, because I'm not ready to admit it just yet, even in my dreams.
__
Playlist:
I don't Wanna Talk About It - Rod Stewart (remake by Julienne Taylor)
AN:
Sorry for tha late update! We had a 4day 3nights trip to Boracay but got stranded from the storm and wasn't able to sail because of the dangerous waves. So many of us, tourists, got stranded for 2 days. We even had to cross a landslide by foot lol. But anyway, the dky miraculously cleared up when we finally got there, and we got our one day's worth of vacation.
(All taken using phone)