"Umm...", he swallowed, hard. His eyes were looking and watching at the scene around us, while his hands resting on his lap were slightly fidgeting. For the record, this isn't the only time I'm seeing him act like this. I could see through his eyes that there's something he wanted to tell me but something's holding him back.
"Uh... Shin Young-ah, are you alright?"
"I, y-yeah, hyung. I'm fine.", he quietly stated and pinched his lips.
"Well, is there something you wan—", I began.
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*Shin Young's POV*
I know this isn't the right time to ask him this question suddenly, but...
"Hyung.", upon hearing him speak, I immediately cut him off. This isn't supposed to be how the atmosphere should be looking like between us. I told myself earlier not to make him worry like this before we even met but now, *sigh.
Things have drastically changed since the day he left. I thought it'd be alright and things would turn out well for each of us that this guy left behind but as it turns out, it didn't. The mansion, the people in SICA, Dong Min and the others, Jo Eun and I, and even her dad. I don't even know where to start with him right now. I don't know how I should tell him.
"Um... so, how was your uh, work.", with hesitation in my head, I started to begin the conversation with a forced laugh in my face. But instead of giving me the response I was expecting from him, he looked startled. He wasn't expecting that question, I knew it. Tsk.
"Errrr, it's... it's going well so far.", he said with a questioning tone in his voice. Or should I say unconvincing? *Sigh... right, Shin.
"You know, like I told you earlier, I rented a new apartment nearby andsdfghjk...", while he's talking and explaining things to me, my mind started wandering off again. I really wanted to ask him about it, I badly wanted to know what he'd do but... I kind of don't as well.
In part, I'm curious about what he's going to say and what his reaction will be like, but I also am anxious about seeing and hearing him react into that thing. Although it's already been a while, these memories that I've had are still fresh in my mind. I don't want to open the wounds that are in the process of healing anymore but at the same time, if I don't do so, I won't be able to free myself from being trapped inside a box filled with thorns.
And... so, I did.
. . .
"Hyung, do you still love Jo Eun?", I asked.
"... H-huh?", he responded to me with a question. His eyes gleamed as the sun slowly faded from the background. I know he heard it. His face says it all, and he wouldn't be staring at me in shock like this if he didn't. He just wanted my approval that what he heard was right.
Upon receiving no response from him other than the reaction that I've got, I let out a sudden sound from my mouth as if to suppress my laughter. He's still wearing his startled expression and his eyes are still fixed on me.
"heh, I shouldn't have asked.", a soft giggle escaped my mouth. His silence caught me off guard. It's kind of' funny how it did when I'm already expecting him to act this way. But it just did.
Just looking at him right now, no matter what excuse he says or tells me, there's no doubt that it was a 'yes'. Even after we've been separated for about a year or so, I still know whether this guy's telling the truth or not, just like right now. Look at his left ear blushing, pft.
"What are you saying?", I doubt that he still wanted me to repeat myself. He's not even going to answer me even if I ask him about it again.
"Hyung, I don't know if you're aware of this, but...", I tried letting out a laugh, but nothing came out of my mouth. I then took a deep breath and sighed. Time runs so fast that everything that happened few years ago felt like it just happened yesterday.
"The mansion is no longer theirs. We no longer live there because Jo Eun's dad sold it to someone to avoid bankruptcy.", his eyes went wide as soon as I finished my sentence. When I looked at him, I saw him creasing his brows as he looked down, his face filled with extreme worry.
"Wait... Wait, Shin Young-ah, are you sure ab—"
"I am. This is one of the reasons why I came here to meet you, hyung. I won't be here in front of you if none of these ever happened.", I said, interrupting him from talking. Besides, this isn't just the only thing that happened to us while he's gone. This is just the start and the small part of everything.
"But, what about Jo Eun and the other two? What about you? Where are you staying right now then???", with the sudden revelation flashing before his eyes, he began throwing me questions, one after the other.
"Um... Dong Min hyung and KD was forced to go back to their parent's house and...", I stopped as I felt a sharp jolting pain in my chest. I tried ignoring it, but the pain increased in just a minute that I ended up balling my hands into fist, taking a deep breath as I bit my lip hard that I thought it's going to bleed. Fortunately, hyung didn't notice it as he glanced to the field where plenty of people were doing their thing and kids are having fun playing.
"How about Jo Eun? ... How is she?", he asked and glanced back at me. As soon as he did, the pain in my chest went off and my heart beat and breathing went back to normal. I don't know what caused me to feel this way, but it's been a month since I started getting chest pains like this which happens intermittently. *Sigh...
"She—", as soon as I started to speak, I caught myself choking back the tears forming in the edge of my eyes. My chest tightened once again but this time, it's due to the emotions that has been building up inside of me.
It was then when Kimja hyung placed his hands above of my shoulder and said, "It's alright. I'm listening."
"Her... dad decided to take her to United States to live with him and Kang Joon. I uh, I... told her I'll be following her there. I told her I won't leave her.", suddenly, I felt a warm fluid fell out from my eye. Then from another. It was tears.
"I... um, try to call her each day and night to make sure she's okay. When you left, I did an internship near SICA and worked two part time jobs. That was the time I realized how difficult it was living the way you did before, hyung. I didn't know it could turn my life into a living hell until I experienced it my own.", I continued while wiping the tears off with the back of my hand, my eyes still focused on recalling the buried past as I blankly stare into space. Kimja hyung on the other hand, stayed quiet on his seat with his eyes fixed on me.
"It was after 2 months when it all began collapsing... Her dad told my parents that um, h-his business-friend offered him a 'fixed-marriage' between Jo Eun and his son. The guy said it could help them solve the problems that they have in his company."
"After I heard that news, I tried calling Jo Eun and she wasn't answering any of my calls anymore. I... I don't know if it was because s-he doesn't love me any l-onger or if it's because of the fixed-marriage thing...*sigh, it took us several months, hyung. I waited several months for her. But um... when she came back from States, she wasn't the same person anymore.", I swallowed hard as tears threatened to fall from my eyes.
Right then, flashbacks about her and I immediately rushed into my head. It seemed as if I'm playing an old video tape filled with thousands of fresh memories in my mind, only that it's black and white and there weren't any pleasant emotions involved in it. One by one, it went through my head, as fast as the speed of light, but at the same time, it was also as painful as watching myself in a movie helplessly getting stabbed in the chest by the words I've never wished to hear. Not especially from the person I've loved the most...
"I... I did my b-best, hyung. But she was taken away from me.", I quietly stumbled over my words as warm tears rolled down my face. I could barely even look at Ja Hoon hyung right now. I failed him. I failed to keep the promise that I told him 4 years ago. I promised him that I would take care of her. I promised that I'll never leave her no matter what... But I broke all those promises. I failed him... I failed myself.
"I'm s-orry.", I buried my face onto my hands as I stumbled over the words. At this very moment, I couldn't say anything else to him but that I'm sorry. I want him to hear everything, but the pain was unbearable. Reminiscing those moments all over again was hard. But reliving it through words was even harder. Because not only was I reliving those times, I also am reliving the same emotions that I've felt when it all happened, only this time it was twice as painful as it was before.
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