"I brought hot cocoa. Drink it. If you ever do something like this again. "
I Sat up. Thanks to Cami locked door doesn't mean anything anymore. I forgot all about that.
"I have a warm bath ready for you. Jeremy called me a few minutes ago on the whole thing. Rose... Why'd you leave without your coat?"
Oh clearly you didn't get the full story. I took the cup drinking it little by little feeling the heat go threw my body.
"Rose. Tell me."
I smiled at her." I felt embarrassed for being there. So I left. I didn't want to cause another scene like this morning so I left immediately." I lied easily.
She sighed." He didn't mind about that. He actually seemed sad that he had forgotten. I for one thought maybe you grew out of it."
I laughed at that.
She frowned." Rose I'm not joking around."
"I know its just you say grow out of it and I just think of how you grew out of your fear of spiders."
She shivered." That's a low blow Rose."
I smiled at her. Playing along with the pretend reminising normal sister things.
I took my bath looking at my hair. Maybe I should cut it.
Not like it matters anyhow.
He already has someone.
"Rose the phone."
I got out wrapping the towel around myself. I stopped. Sometimes Jeremy is here. I have to dress. Crap I dried off and fell.
Damn it that hurt.
I hurried to get dressed Juliyah walked in.
"Here Ronnie wants to talk to you." I looked at the phone as if it were a deadly weapon.
I would try to say I'm not home but Jay would want an explanation,deal with it.
I grabbed it." Hello?"
His urgent voice attacked my eardrum." You okay? You made it home? Why you leave? I couldn't find you. It's freezing out how could you forget your damn coat? You really need to start thinkin. Are you feeling sick? You meet any weirdos out there? "
I sighed my heart fell to my stomach again. I like Cami voice but right now. It's not comforting.
Not like it usually is." I'm fine I'm sleepy bye."
I Hung up and gave it back to Juliyah. She put her hand on her hip.
I know its not fair. It's not right for me to be like this to him. After all he's done for me.
I'm the worst. I hurried to my room sleeping in my lonely bed imagining the days where I could hear him breathing next to me. The days that were always hot because he's like a freaking heater. Probably because he's always moving. As my eyes shut I heard a whisper his voice.
"Resistance is futile teddy bear."
My eyes opened at the memory.
It's sad.
It'll only be a memory.
Nothing but a memory.
------------------------
Juliyah must still be asleep. I was up still. I barely slept I took a shower got dressed and was out the door before Juliyah could do her daily banging on my door. I waited outside of the school feeling tired and hurt.
I would like to see Cami,even his nerdy-Ness.
I liked both of them although all he does is say how heavy everything is. Pretending just to give me a hard time.
We make quite the pair. At school he's the nerd and I'm always falling.
Well I guess.
It's not like that anymore. That's in in the past.
I watched the sidewalk as kids stood waiting for the doors to open.
It's fine like this
Just like before. Before he and I were friends.
I saw Dewon he waved.
I waved back not smiling not feeling anything what so ever for him.
The doors opened I headed for my class but stayed in the bathroom till I heard the minute bell.
I'm not avoiding him. I'm just not crossing his path.
That's all.
--------------------
After school I stayed and talked to Emily. I headed home at 4.
I made it home at 4:45.
Freezing naturally from falling.
"Where have you been! This morning Ronnie came-"
"Oh sorry. I woke up thinking I was late so I ran out the house. It's weird waking up without you I got shocked."
"What about afterschool?! He didn't see you at all Rose!" Juliyah demanded.
"I was talking to my friends. She invited me to her house."
The lies kept coming.
She sighed still mad but giving up." Don't pull this again. What's wrong with you?"
I helped with dinner and told her my decision.
"I want to go back to how it was before. I'm going to walk home. He doesn't need to waste gas."
"Rose you are not walking. If he wants to-"
"I only walked him after school to protect him. He has a car now he's fine."
"That's not my point Rose. Your his friend. Why are you trying to cut ties with him?"
"I'm not. I just miss my routine."
I grabbed plates and helped serve.
"Rose your getting a ride from him. I never have liked you walking all alone like that. That's final."
I watched my plate. My fist balled up." I'm walking. End of story."
She put her fork down." Rose. What aren't you telling me?"
I said nothing and kept eating. She took my plate. I put my fork done.
"I'm done. I'm going to my room. I have homework."
" ROSE!"
I headed to my room ignoring her,feeling like utter crap once I was finally in my room.
Everything is just........
Wrong.
---------------------------
I got up early again not one wink of sleep. I got ready but saw his car in front of the house. He's here really early.
I left out the back door feeling like he would see me.
This is what's best. It actually would be better if I told him to his face.
I stood at the front entrance staring at nothing feeling nothing but cold.
Dewon stood in front of me." Hey. You seem dazed. Haven't seen much of you since the new semester."
I nodded.
"Good morning."
I jumped. Cami. His hoarse voice got closer as he stood next to me.
"Oh hey. You looking good man." Dewon thumped his fist with Camis.
"Well I see my crew bye Veronica."
I waved. As soon as he was out of ear range Cami growled softly.
"How are you here I waited for you at your house?"
"I went out the back I took out garbage."
He didn't buy it."Whatever. What the hell is going on?"
I took a deep shaky breath." Look. Im going to start walking to and from school. I'm use to it. It's about to be warm soon."
"Walk? Why do you want to walk? I don't mind picking you up and dropping you off."
"That's nice of you." I retorted.
"Are you still mad at me?"
"I'm not mad at you. "
"Then what? What is going on I'm seriously confused."
"I just want to be alone okay. Your all in my space."
I couldn't look at him. All the stuff I was saying wasn't right. I wanted him but....it hurts to be around him.
I don't want to hurt anymore.
"I'm in your space? The fuck!"
"Cami watch it. "
He was actually using his real voice. I could see some other people looking at us.
"The hell do you mean I've not been in your space? We haven't been together in a long time. What the hell is wrong? Tell me. You know ill listen." He pleaded.
I shook my head. Id rather die. I won't tell him the way I feel. It'll really ruin everything.
I.....
"I'm tired of being around you. It's annoying. You don't need me to protect you. You have a car you can handle yourself. I have my Own life-" I felt my body burn my whole being disagreed with every word I said. Every word was a lie.
It hurt to lie but the truth.
I stared in his eyes.....the truth if I were to say I love you......that would hurt more.
I know what will happen once he knows I.........
" - to live. You'll be fine without me. You have friends who you can be with."
The doors opened. I hurried rushing away from him. The last thing I said killed me inside.
"Stay away from me."
--------------------------------------
I walked home slowly liking the cold. It made me feel numb. If I couldn't feel then I wouldn't hurt.
I like winter. Despite all the ice and gross slush. The snow it numb me.
I like that feeling.
When mom left I mostly stayed outside in the winter without a coat or stayed out in the rain. It felt like the earth understood me.
That's how I feel now.
Frozen.
I stepped into the house." Home."
My sister Sat on the stairs clearly waiting for me.
She stood her face full of anger.
"I told you yesterday you were going to-"
"I told you I wasn't."
"So you pay the bills now? That's interesting Rose please tell me what else you have."
I glared at her. I don't need this I've already had a bad day. I really don't want this..
I want to feel nothing.
Why is she here making me feel guilty?
"I have free will."
She started yelling." I've had it up to here Rose! You said some pretty hurtful things to Ronnie. He missed out on work and he's not talking to anyone because your throwing a random tantrum over something stupid."
Stupid?Is it really stupid."Whatever."
"Whatever!Who do you think your talking to?!I dont need any of this mess.Im tired-"
I yelled back at her full of anger now." Why don't you just give me up then? It's not like were actually related in the first place. If your so tired why don't you just go cry to Jeremy and send me to a stupid foster home! If your so tired.....fine!"
I ran out the house not falling once only running losing my breath not Caring where I was going. Away was fine.
---------------------------------
I'm scared.
It's cold out. Weird men are lurking around.
I have no idea where I am.
I want to apologize to everyone but I just don't know how to tell them.
I kept walking.
"Ay. Ay you."
I looked up a group of guys headed straight for me.
I started backing away when I ran into someone.
I looked up.
...........
...........
...........
"Shane."
He grabbed my wrist and walked me straight threw the guys. I followed him to a park with benches that had a big tent.
"What are you doing out so late at night?"
I watched him shivering not planning on answering him. I looked at his head. A knot there from when Cami- I shook my head.
He doesn't exist.
Shane stood and took off his coat wrapping it around me. I shrugged it off.
"Please wear it?"
I glared and stood.
"No wait. I want to apologize to you. Again."
"It's whatever. I'm going home."
"I'm quite sure your lost."
I Sat annoyed putting the jacket on again." If you touch me I swear-"
"I'm gay remember."
My eyebrow raised." Yeah. Like ill believe that."
"Why are you here? I already know but I'm still asking."
"How do you know?"
He dug out his phone" Angel my boyfriend. Remember?"
I cringed." So why are you asking?"
"Never mind. I wanted to tell you what happened. "
"With what?"
"Ya know when I did that thing-"
I nodded. Right. Just add that on me. Worse day ever.
"Well I kind of told this one guy in the football team I liked him and he told a bunch of the guys. They started fucking with me and I tried to lie telling them I was straight. The guy told me to prove it by getting you to do that with me. I wasn't really thinking I was just trying to prove myself. Only a few knew about it and ever since then he has been trying to get in your pants black mailing me. Bitch." His fist tightened." Sometimes I would try to get close to you and let you know to stay away from him but you kind of hated me."
Really hated you. I corrected In my head but I wasn't as mad at Shane.
"Who did you confess to?"
He looked at me sighed watched his hands and covered his face.
His answer came muffled but I'm sure I heard.
"Dewon."
My world yet again shifted.
--------------------------------------
"I want to stay at my friends house. Can I use your phone?"
"It's 1 in the morning."
I held my hand out still. He sighed.
"Just sleep with my sister. My family won't care."
I smiled". You've lost your damn mind if you think ill actually agree to that."
"Angels going to kill me."
I dialed Emily's number told her where I was and waited for her to come and get me.
Dewon.
The years I spent liking him.
It can't be true.