"Zo, what do you think about me"..."give me your honesty"
"What do I think of him..."
"What does he want to hear..."
"What is he looking for in this question..."
"What could I say that would end my pain & suffering..."
The thoughts going through my head at that moment, made me hesitant to reply.
__________
Honest
hon·est
ˈänəst/
adjective
1. free of deceit and untruthfulness;
***
Honesty
hon·es·ty
ˈänəstē/
noun
1. the quality of being honest.
______
My definition
2. Something people say they want, but normally aren't really happy to hear, in the end.
3. The thing that will probably have me in a ball on the floor begging forgiveness if I give it completely.
"Zo I'm waiting" he replied as I sat there staring at the floor. My mouth was closed as I cleaned my teeth with my tongue from the food I just ate.
I looked up at him for a second, then at the sink, wall, floor. "Well, I think you're strong & kind to the girls. You have pretty eyes & youre stron-"
"Zo, cut your sh*t or I'm putting you over my knee. You have 3 seconds!" He said with frustration.
"1..2.-" he started to count until I cut him off.
"You're mean & evil!" I blurted out first.
"You like to see me suffer for no reason"
"I think you're a horrible person for taking my girls & for the way you treat woman like objects"
"You love me in your own way. I think you know what's best for me sometimes, but I know what's best for me too."
"You want my honesty, I hate you, but I love you & I dont know why.
You've messed with my head. You've made me say it so many times, I just don't know anymore what's really right & what's really wrong."
He was just standing there staring at me. Like he was filtering through all my words. I avoided eye contact most of the time.
"keep going Zo. Remember, you might not get another chance" he said.
"Okay, you're cruel & egotistical. You think women can be used & abused. You're a rapïst Pav! You're a deciever & I dont really know why. I use to want you to die, now I don't know what I want" the last words I said were the ones that really scared me. Why didn't I want him dead anymore. When did this change. I didn't realise until now that it had.
"Zoe what do you want right now, what would make you happy"
He's actually asking me this. Why is he asking me this. "To be free from you guys and to have my daughter's back."
"What if I told you, you had to chose one or the other right now. Which would you chose"
Why would he make me chose like this. I couldn't chose freedom over my girls ever. That would be like leaving a living breathing part of me with them. A part I would probably never see again if I was really able to chose freedom. "I would chose the girls" I said realizing what he was doing. "Why would I have to chose Pav. Other people on this planet don't have to chose between their children & their freedom"
"Yes, but other people don't have our kids with our blood running through them"
"Why didnt you ever ask this question before I got pregnant with your unwanted sperm, Pav"
"Because you weren't ready for this option back then."
What does that even mean. Now that I can't chose freedom, I get to chose? I'm pretty sure they still wouldn't let me go. Or they would probably let me go for a month or 2, so I thought I was free while they raised my kids & watched me suffer & break without the girls. Right before pulling me back.
"Zo, are tou done" he said with a calm stern voice.
"I honestly think you all have an issue with rejection & some mother issues."
"Thank you for your honesty Zo. Now I know what's going on in your lovely head."
"Zo, we've watched you for a long time- almost 2 years. We never watch any woman that long. We probably know you better then you know yourself. You belong to us now & you will learn to be happy. Happiness is a mindset, one you will have with a bit more repetition. I already see some of it in what you've told me"
"Don't you feel better when you're not fighting us. When you're doing as you're told." I looked away at hearing his words.
I'm not evil. My morals are just different then some & I'm only mean when I have to be, baby. You could ask 100% of the people that know me in this town, in Texas, anywhere & they'd call all of us saints. Because see know when & where to show respect."
"That's because they don't really know you" I added
He smirked as he walked towards me. "Dont you want to learn to be happy again. Think of your girls as being on a trip with their possible dad, just like if I took them or Will. We would never hurt them."
I looked up at him. Of course I want to be happy. I know what makes me happy, how would he. He just knows what makes me cry. I am tired of fighting. Tired of being strong. "The thought of freedom still makes me happy though, Pav".
"Parks, bars, work, movies, church, home, shopping, friends that didn't truly know you like we do. That's what your life was in general. You've wanted someone that would love you, & take care of you for a while. I could tell when we dated. I saw it in the first week. The way you looked at me everytime we went out together. You liked the feeling of being safe with me on the street knowing no one would mess with You. You liked me chosing where we went."
"Pav that was different & you know it. You've hurt me more then any person would've on the street. If I would've know the outcome, I would've avoided you by a mile." I said being honest
"How many times have I made you cüm, Zo. You say I treat women like objects. No babe, I treat women like women. I've learned long ago that most women, don't know what they want. We pick women carefully. Most women we take are going through life trying to figure out their lives thinking they're happy. They think they know their path, but if we see another path in them, we lead them to it. Most learn to embrace it. They may try to fight it, but in the end, we've given them a life of purpose- giving others pleasure."
"But who are you to choose for someone where they're path is supposed to lead. I liked my path before you all came along & destroyed it." I replied keeping my calm tone so he would get defensive & decide to shut me up.
"Zo, you are a woman that has been chosen for bigger things. You don't see them as bigger, but they are. God willed that you be a mother with our child & fate brought Zac to meet you at the hotel. Out of all the women we've been with, we chose you. Why do we want to Zo"
"Because you love me" I couldn't believe he brought God into the fact that he forced himself on me.
"In our business, Räpe is an over used word for women that don't know their purpose or don't want to embrace it. That word should be saved for women that are taken advantage of & left to fend for themselves. Pain with no care"
"We never make & girl sleep with us, then leave her directionless. So no Zo, you are ours. That means you don't get to use the word rape for us. If we fücked you, then left you on the street or somewhere alone, that would be a different story. Is that all understood" he looked at me dead serious.
What could I say. Hearing him speak showed me he was so convinced in his mind. There was nothing I could think of to say to make him change his mind. "Yes sir".
"You're a good girl, Zo. He cuped my chin. Are you scared of me Zoe"
I was. I didn't know what he would do next. I didn't know if I would do something wrong & he'd knock me to the ground & beat the crap out of me "Yes Pav. I'm scared of you. More then Zac & Willem. You scar me the most"
He smile a slight smile. "Remember what I told you last year, if you can live with the fact that your bruises turn me on along with your fear of being hurt anytime, then I could be your dream guy? Well the look in your eyes is turning me on Zo. Who loves you?
I continued to look up at him, while he had my chin in his hand. "You do Pav"
He smiled again "Who knows what's best for you"
"You know what's best for me Pav"
"Again, Zo"
"You know what's best for me"
"That's right, now open your mouth" he said like an order
I stared at him & opened my mouth like he said.
"Look how easy it was for you to obey just now. Close it baby. Like my father taught me-Women don't need freedom, they need someone to take charge & tell them what their place is. Why do I hurt you Zo"
"...Because you care about me & I need decipline even when I don't know it."
"Tell me again baby"
" You care about me & I need decipline even when I don't know I do."
"That's right" he got down on his knees in front of me. He opened my legs looking down at my lady opening. "Your time for honesty is over babe. Now it's time for you to be the little horny bïtch I've seen many times before."
He began to massage my clit. I felt myself getting aroused "Tell me this belongs to me" he said staring at me.
I closed my eyes tight "my clit belongs to you Pav"
"That's right. How many times did you play with it, after you ran away. Don't you dare lie to me" he replied
I let out a small moan as my eyes shot open. "I-i don't know" I said
"Around how many times, baby."
"Maybe 12 t-times" I knew it was more. Like I'd said. I went through a horny time during pregnancy
He slide a finger in me as he continued "Who told you that you could touch yourself. I'm pretty sure I told you you needed permission"
I let out a small gasp "No one. I didn't think I'd see you again" why did I say that. He didn't need to hear that.
"Tell me how sorry you are for disobeying me & I'll let you chose your first punishment"
What the heck. 1st punishment? But I'm not sorry. It's my body. I get to do what I want with it...No it's not my body anymore, I have nothing. I had to remind myself. I felt myself getting close to climax as he moved his fingers around in me. "I'm so sorry Pav. I won't do it again"
" Why won't you do it again"
"Because I belong to you, so my clït belongs to you"
"You're learning so well baby. 1 week & you've already learned how to talk to me. Now beg me to let you cüm." He said as I was about to exploded. He pulled his fingers out some. "Please sir let me cüm" I moaned out in despiration. He stuck his fingers back in & went faster until I came.
He licked his fingers "Who just made you cüm, Zo."
"You did Pav" I said as my body came down
"Now for your first punishment. You get to choose who fücks you before bed tonight. Me or Willem"
Why would he make me choose something like this. Willem will most likly use my throat, making me gag & cry. Then he'll shock me when he's done.
Pav will probably use my äss or lady V. Choking me & making me repeat all the things I've been told to with smacking I know he'll smack me...but no shocking
"Zo chose now!" He ordered
"Ok Willem" I said quickly
"Hm, well he will be happy to hear it. Too bad. I had plans for what I was going to do to you. I guess it will have to wait til punishment 2" he stood up & took off his clothes. "For now it's time for you to have a reminder of your place in this house with us. Lay down, open up & tell me how much you want to feel daddys white cöck in you"
I looked at him "but I alread-" I stopped talking, when I saw the look on his face of I dare you to disobey. I layed down & did as he said.
When he finished, he chained me to the ceiling hooks to wait for later. I know it was for I couldn't sleep. He came in an hour later to fück me, hit me & have me aknowlege that I was his, I loved him, he loved me, any punishment was my fault, I belong with them, & their disapline was to make me better.
He came in later to do the same thing. As well as test my obedience. Thank him for using me & promising I'll never run away again. He would sit with me if I began to cry from his discipline. He told me how much they cared for me. That I'll understand the longer they keep me focussed & away from distractions.
He also said they would meet me see my babies on video tomorrow. See I know he loves me. He's letting me see them.
I just need to do what I'm told & they won't hurt me as much. Pav said I'm becoming more & more obedient and he's proud of me. He stayed with me after he deceplined me, and let me sleep for an hour in his arms while he held me tight. He kissed me in the head before I dosed off
He's right. Why should I fight against my new life. I belong to them now, they love me so much, they searched all these months he said. The sooner I embrace those realizations, the sooner I can get my babies back.
Pav says I still have a ways to go, because I'm still getting rebellious thoughts. I just need to get rid of them before they get me in trouble.