Guilt was beginning to come as second nature to Effy. She seemed to be feeling it more than anything else.
As she walked home, the sun setting and the streets empty, all she could let herself feel was guilt and disgust. And the most frustrating part was—she had no one else to be mad at but herself. No one to point the blame at. Here, one of her old friends (though not the kindest) was found dead in the woods, another was MIA, and all she could do was have mindless sex with Dean. As good as it felt in the moment—soon a heavyweight of woeful regret began building in her gut.
She was starting to feel alien in her own skin. None of her thoughts or actions seemed to be her own. As though someone else was taking over.
She shut her eyes in anguish.
All she wanted was for things to go back to the way they used to be. Even if it meant having to deal with the endless torment of her once friends, with Dean at her side. . . all to herself. Guilt-free. But a small part of her couldn't deny the irrevocable truth that—that may never happen. Not in this lifetime, at least.
She wrapped her arms around herself as she walked up the empty driveway of her house. When she reached for the doorknob, she realized it was left cracked open. Hesitantly, she pushed the door and stepped in. Her movements quiet and gentle. As she crept into her own house, she could hear shuffling in the kitchen. The suction of the fridge opening sounded, followed soon by something crashing to the floor.
"Shit," a low female voice hissed.
Effy exhaled as she walked into her kitchen, her face set in a grim expression.
"Astrid," Effy breathed out when she found Astrid sitting on the floor, a half-eaten Colby-Jack cheese stick in one hand, tossing pieces of lettuce and cherry tomatoes back into Lexi's fallen salad.
Effy shook her head and dropped her hands by her side. "What are you doing?"
"I was hungry," Astrid mumbled as she raised the cheese stick. Effy tossed her house keys on the countertop and yanked her bag off her shoulder so violently her hair moved up with it. Astrid pressed her lips together as she took a bite of the cheese. "You look like hell." She muttered teasingly.
Effy leaned against the edge of the countertop and crossed her arms. An unentertained expression consuming her features. In her peripheral vision, she could still see Astrid. "Yeah, well, you don't look so hot yourself." She bit in a hostile tone.
Astrid blinked.
Effy almost felt bad. But before the remorse could get to her enough to make her apologize, Astrid's lips curled into a wide grin and she started laughing.
"Yeah, I don't," She nodded in agreement as she stood to her feet and placed the container on the counter. The fridge door slowly closed on its own behind her. "But then again, when do I ever?"
Effy smiled halfheartedly.
With a heavy sigh, she brought her hand up and rubbed her temples. "Actually, Astrid, I've had a really long day and I'm really tired and I just want to lay down and rest."
Astrid frowned. "Is everything okay?"
"Yeah, everything's fine. Why wouldn't it be?"
"You sure?"
"Yes," She hissed more harshly than intended. "What do you care? Why're you even here?"
Astrid shrugged. "I just wanted to check in, see how you were doing. I missed you. I hadn't heard from you since. . . that night."
Effy brow furrowed. Which night was she talking about? The one where they went into the city or the night Dean had Astrid cornered in the bathroom—covered in all that blood. Effy suddenly shook her head abruptly. No! That was a dream.
"Well, I'm fine," Effy exhaled.
Something flashed over Astrid's expression before she smiled and smoothed her hands against each other. "Where's the baby—Holly? I haven't heard a peep out of her. Is she even alive?"
"She's next door at the Duncans." Sometimes, when Effy couldn't watch Holly for her mother, Miss Duncan from next door would graciously do it for them. Always eager to have some sort of company ever since her three sons grew up and moved out of the house. All starting their own lives and seeming to forget the women who nursed them and took care of them all those years.
Effy pressed her lips together into a hard line. "Astrid, why're you really here?" She murmured. Even her voice sounded strained and worn out.
Astrid took a shaky breath. Her hands trembling at her side. Why was she so nervous?
"I'm pregnant." She suddenly blurted out. Effy froze.
"What. . .?"
"Yeah." Astrid gaped breathlessly. Looking just as equally as shocked as Effy. She didn't believe it either at first, but after an entire week of feeling nauseous and throwing up and four tests, she was overwhelmed with excitement and fear. Astrid always wanted a baby. Even as a small child. She'd always wanted someone to take care of and raise. To have a family of her own one day. Of course, her fantasies shifted a bit when she grew up and realized more of the responsibilities of having a child. It certainly wasn't like having one of the baby dolls she played with growing up. But it never stopped her from still wanting one. Not even when her menstrual cycles started shortening and the doctors told her she'd completely stop having her periods by the age of twenty-five. The chances of her ever having a child of her own becoming slim to none.
Astrid nodded as though to confirm it to herself still. Even though she seemed happy, her sad eyes began to well up with tears. A foreign emotion taking over.
Effy found herself at a loss for words. "But... I thought—"
"Yeah me too." She admitted with a breathy confession. She almost didn't even believe it. When she saw the plus sign on the first test, she thought for sure it was a simple malfunction or mess up. But after the fourth one, there was no denying it for her. And she was left sitting against the bathtub in her underwear, silent and lost in her thoughts for what felt like hours until she finally pulled herself together.
Astrid's words echoed in Effy's ears as a ringing headache slowly pressed on the back of her head. She took a shaky breath and gripped the edge of the counter. "Is. . . Is it Deans?"
Astrid swallowed and nodded.
Effy inhaled sharply. With a wavering voice, she replied, "C-congratulations, Astrid. That's—amazing." She forced a smile. She wanted to feel happy for Astrid, she truly did—she even believed a small part of her did—but she couldn't help the irrevocable envy that weighed down on her chest. The child was Dean's. . . What did this mean? Would he have to marry her now? Drop out of school and get a job? Provide for her and their. . . child?
Astrid gnawed at her lip nervously.
"I'm leaving, Effy." She suddenly blurted as though she had been holding the very words in for so long—too long. "I've got some money saved up from selling, I'm taking my shit and I'm getting the hell out of here."
Effy blinked. "Oh. . ."
"Come with me." She impassionedly pleaded suddenly and she moved forward. Effy absently pressed into the edge of the counter.
"What?"
"Come with me," Astrid repeated. "You want to leave, I wanna leave, so let's go. Together. Let's just leave this place and never look back."
What? Effy frowned in confusion. She was just going to leave? Leave Dean? With his child? Did he even know?
"He's just gonna hurt you, you know that," Astrid muttered as though she could hear Effy's frazzled thoughts.
Effy gave her a taken aback look. "What?"
"Sooner or later." Astrid began with a guilty expression. "You think Dean's going to save you but he's not. He's can't. Because he doesn't even know how to save himself."
Effy blinked several times over as she pushed off the counter. Pacing toward the sink, she contemplated pouring herself a glass of water. Absently, she began biting on her nail—an old anxious habit she thought she had dropped. She wasn't in the necessary mind space to be making big decisions. She knew that. As she chewed on her nail, she found herself replaying Astrid words, the look on her face.
Her frown deepened.
Why the sudden change? Normally, whenever Astrid spoke of Dean or even looked at him, she smiled. It was something that always got to Effy. (But at the time, of course, she didn't know why.) But ever since that night—with the dream—things had clearly changed.
Effy faced Astrid with an impassive expression.
"What happened that night?" She demanded. When Astrid said nothing, only stood with a guilty expression, Effy had finally got the answer she needed. "I knew it!" She hissed with a look of betrayal. "I knew it wasn't a dream!" It was all making her feel crazy. Like she was imagining things. But now? She felt like she was seeing clearly for the first time.
"Tell me what happened that night." She fumed with a belligerent voice. Her lips pursed and her eyes blazing with resentment. "Tell me the truth."
Astrid sniff as she flicked her gaze up at the ceiling. She could feel tears burning in the backs of her eyes. Threatening to run free as the memories swarmed in through the floodgates. She hated thinking about that time in her life. If she could, she'd wipe her memory completely of the entire year. A single tear ran down her cheek. When she exhaled heavily, Effy could almost feel her physically preparing.
"I don't necessarily have the cleanest record," she admitted with slumped shoulders. She glanced at down at the floorboards beneath her feet. "Before I met Dean, my life was spiraling out of control."
"I had just run away from home. My mother and I had had a big fight. We were arguing—I don't even remember what we were arguing about. Just something mothers and daughters argue about, I guess—and I packed a bags and left. I just stayed with friends at first. Then I started hitchhiking and I found my way to this group, where I met Jade." Astrid could remember her so clearly. Sometimes, if she closed her eyes, she could even see in perfect detail her soft features and curly hair. Her almond skin and bright emerald eyes. But with the memories came the anxiety and depression. And she tried not to think about that.
"I had never had a friend like her before. She was my only real friend, truthfully." Astrid admitted. Her face a shifting shadow of emotions as she let the memories, both good and bad, wash over her. "We'd get loaded and party all the time together—she loved to party. Sometimes she was even too much for me," Astrid smiled in a scoffing tone. But her smile soon wavered into a hard line. "I don't really remember much. It's all kind of a blurry mess."
Astrid took a shaky breath.
"I remember this one night, though. We were having some money troubles and Jade's solution was to meet up with an old friend and party. 'Unwind' she called it. I think he was one of her suppliers or something. . . I don't know—I can't really remember." Therewas visible frustration on Astrid's face at all the misplace and empty memories. "We got loaded before we went over, even when we got there she ended up giving me something else. I don't know what it was. At the time, I never really asked. I always just took whatever she handed me. I thought I was being a rebellious teenager. . . I was just being a fucking idiot."
There was a harrowing tremble in her voice.
"Looking back, there were a lot of red flags." All the whispering, all the drugs, and alcohol being handed to her. . . How creepy the strange man they were hanging out with was. She could remember him being really handsy and making her feel uncomfortable. But when she said something to Jade, all she did was give her a line and tell her she was being paranoid. That he was a friend and she just needed to relax. "I ended up blacking out, and. . ."
When she woke up the next morning, she was back in her bed at their cruddy apartment complex. Her head and body ached. And she had bruises all over her thighs. She didn't know why or what from—but when she saw Jade sitting in the kitchen, her back to her, all she wanted to do was wrap her hand in her hair and yank her back to the ground. It scared her how much she wanted to slam her skull against the tiled flooring as she crept slowly closer.
But she didn't. She couldn't. Because she didn't even know why she suddenly detested her so much.
"Something happened. . . And I didn't feel safe there anymore so, first chance I got, I got the hell out of there." She pretended to take a shower and snuck out the window. But not without taking what was left of the money. "I got on a bus heading a few towns over, and just—left." She exhaled heavily and wiped a stray tear. The ghost of a smile on her lips at the next memories that came. "That's when I met Dean."
She could still remember that moment she first saw him. He was leaning against a side building, smoking with his friends as she got off the bus. He wore a white T, torn at the collar and nicotined, dark jeans and an inky black leather jacket. When she met his gaze she knew he was trouble.
She had plans to stay with a friend in the city for a while. Just until she got back on her feet. A friend who incidentally just happened to know the dangerous bad boy from the bus stop.
"At the time, I thought he was my guardian angel. Because he was saving me." It all sounded so silly to her when saying it out loud. "As far as I was concerned, it was over. That part of my life was done." Astrid locked her quivering hands together to stop them from shaking. Pressing her thumb against her skin and rubbing so vigorously, it left white lines momentarily. "But . . ." Then they found her.
Suddenly, tears began streaming down Astrid's flustered cheeks uncontrollably. Her shallow breath shook and she fought to compose herself.
"It was self-defense," she muttered between sobs. Her shook her head repeatedly as she brought her hands up to her chest. She could feel her heart drumming violently. As the memories of that night washed over Astrid, she could feel her breath becoming more and more uneven. Her hands—that were once covered in blood—trembled.
"Dean helped me clean up the mess that night. He made me swear I would never bring it up to anybody. Not ever." And yet. . .
Effy blinked. So that was what she saw that night. It wasn't a dream. Just a fragment of the horror that took place. She was rendered completely silent. Her mind slowly processing everything she was being told.
"But Effy," Astrid began again as she quickly wiped the tears away. "when we buried the body, he knew where to put it. He knew exactly what to do. Like he had done it before. Effy—" When Astrid reached to touch Effy, she yanked her hand back.
Astrid's lip quivered.
"I know this is a lot. And I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. But you have to know. He's dangerous."
Effy couldn't breathe. She cautiously stood and walked to the counter. When Astrid got up and tried to follow Effy yelled, "Do not come any closer Astrid, or I swear to God." She didn't know what she would do. But she knew she needed space.
Effy shook her head. A heavy feeling of overwhelmment pressed on the temples of her forehead. All she could think about was how tired she was. It was the only thing that made sense, something she could easily fix. When she turned to leave Astrid quickly ran in her way and blocked the entrance to the hall.
"Astrid, move. I'm tired."
"I know Dean. I mean really know him. More than you probably do. He's not the same person he was when you were kids. He's different. He's changed—"
"I know!" Effy suddenly hissed. "I know he's different! Okay? I know! I don't need you telling me that!"
"Then why do you stay?" Astrid unintentionally yelled. Her emotions getting the best of her.
"Why do you?" Effy screamed back. Her headache leaving her exhausted and snappy. All she wanted was to sleep.
"Just. . . get out." Effy exhaled heavily as she ran her fingers through her hair. She didn't want to hear any more. Truth or lie—she just wanted to be alone.
Tears streamed down Astrid's flushed cheeks. "I'm just trying to protect you—"
"I don't need your protection!"
Suddenly, Effy could see it, Astrid's facade. Her impressive collection of lies. Like someone had painted over a mural with a single coat. The old image bleeding through faintly. The way Astrid seemed to crumble made Effy think of an actor having a mental break down after performing the same act night after night. Nothing changing—except the audience.
As the tears streamed down her face, Effy continued to silently remind herself: This is Astrid. The real Astrid. The one Dean warned her of.
"He's gonna hurt you, Effy, because that's what he does—"
"OUT!" Effy suddenly screamed. Startled, Astrid jumped as the tears continued to run. "GET OUT!"
Effy pushed past Astrid. Before she could get away, Astrid grabbed her elbow to stop her. A movement she'd soon regret when Effy suddenly spun around and shoved her away. Astrid stumbled back and lost her step. Her head bashed against the edge of the table as she fell to the unforgiving floor with a loud 'oof'. The very sound seemed to echo through the house.
Effy gaped. What was wrong with her? She had never put her hands on another human being—ever. Never acted out in such a vicious manner. This wasn't her. She felt utterly abysmal for losing control.
Astrid scrunched her face in pain as she slowly sat up. Propping herself on one elbow. She touched the throbbing part of the back of her hand and hissed. When she brought her hand forward, the tops covered in crimson red blood. She stared at it, utterly bewildered.
Effy opened her mouth to apologize—to say something—but lost her voice in her throat. Astrid looked up with a blank stare. Her eyes distant and shielded. It was like a major shift in a tide. Like a revolving door had turned.
"Astrid—I—"
She slowly pushed off the ground and got to her feet. Stumbling for a moment. Her movements caution and stunned. Her lips pressed together as she blinked away the tears. Without a word or even an acknowledgment, she hesitantly walked past Effy toward the front door.
"Astrid!" Effy called out as the door slammed shut. Leaving Effy in the suffocating silence of her house. Regret lingered heavily in the thick air.