I cracked my eyes open, my ears sore. I reached up and realized I'd fallen asleep with my sunglasses on. I pushed them up slightly to rub the sleep out of my eyes before letting them drop back down.
I turned and realized I was on my bed. Jamison was asleep, body turned away from me, only the slightest space between the two of us.
Of course. We'd kissed for a while before falling asleep. I stared at Jamison's back, wondering when it had become this. When I let my guard drop enough to fall asleep with him in my room. When it didn't feel strange to wake up next to him.
I checked the time, realizing how early it was. I carefully got out of bed and gathered clean clothes, leaving the room.
After showering and brushing my teeth, I went back to my room. Jamison hadn't so much as shifted, his shoulders still rising and falling with the ease of deep sleep.
I sat at my desk, keeping myself positioned so I could see Jamison out of the corner of my eye. If he got up, I'd know, but I wasn't staring directly at him like a creep while he slept.
Relationships.
I'd never really pictured myself in a relationship. Sure, I'd found boys attractive, but I'd never wanted to date one. None of them had held my interest long enough for that kind of desire.
But Jamison.
Jamison Heitor. He was an enigma, a contradiction, a mystery I just couldn't solve. The more I learned, the less I understood.
But I wanted to understand. I wanted to understand so damn bad it made my chest ache.
He was a vicious cycle of existence. His emotions overrode his logic, which led him to hurt people he loved to protect people he didn't know. He was passionate, but that passion burned out his morals. He wanted to do good, but he was willing to be bad to achieve that.
He could've used me to get to Kieran, and I'm sure that had been his intention at the start. But he was trying to save me from Kieran now. He wanted to protect me, and I didn't know what along the way had twisted his intentions from cold to pure.
Did it matter in the end, though? Jamison might come across as two-faced, but the more I got to know him, the more I realized that he just naturally had many conflicting sides that made him who he was. It's not that he was necessarily hiding any of it; it just slipped out with his moods, a natural progression. That would be like saying I was two-faced if I smiled one minute and got angry about something the next.
There was a vibrating noise and I turned my head. Jamison groggily sat up, patting his pockets until he pulled his phone out.
"Hello?" he mumbled, rubbing his eyes. "What? No, I..." He seemed to snap awake, looking around my room. He checked the time and cursed quietly. "No, I fell asleep in Cor's room. I didn't have an alarm set. I'll meet you guys for breakfast. Sorry, Cole. Yea, see you in a bit."
He hung up and ran a hand through his hair, trying to fix his bedhead. He looked over at me, giving me an apologetic smile.
"Sorry I fell asleep in here," he said.
"Why are you apologizing? If I didn't wake you up and kick you out, I obviously wasn't against it," I said.
"Are you flirting with me? It's hard to tell with you," he said.
Was I flirting? I shrugged at Jamison, because it was hard for me to tell, too.
He stretched, rubbing his neck. "I'm going to go shower and get dressed then meet the others for breakfast. Want to join?"
"Sure, yea," I said. We had plenty of time before class, so I might as well. It would help me evade Val for a bit, at least.
Jamison crawled out of my bed and gathered his stuff. "I just can't believe you slept in your sunglasses. Do you always do that?"
"No. But I also don't sneak the Crow president into my room often, either," I said.
Jamison blushed a little. "It's not strictly against the rules to have a student sleep over in your dorm. Just...frowned upon."
"You have privileges to do what you want," I said, waving him towards my door. "I'll meet you at the dining hall."
"Half hour," he said, checking the time. "I'll wait for you at the stairs. See you in a bit, Cor. Sorry again for falling asleep in here."
He left the room and I wondered why he kept apologizing for it. Why did it matter if he slept in here? If I hadn't told him to leave, it obviously wasn't a big deal.
I got up and grabbed my things for class. I took my glasses off, cleaning them before putting them back on.
I stared at myself in the mirror, lightly touching my sunglasses. Aria had seen me in my regular glasses, but then I'd switched to the prescription sunglasses, not even letting her take them off. It had been her goal ever since I'd switched to them. She wanted to be the one to take them off.
Turning away from the mirror, I sat down at my computer. After killing a half hour, I left my dorm and headed towards the dining hall.
It was quiet, most kids probably still asleep. The majority of students slept through breakfast and just grabbed a snack from the vending machines, or picked something up from the market on their way to class.
The dining hall loomed into view and I headed for the door. But I stopped, hearing quiet but familiar voices. Wondering when I'd made such a habit of eavesdropping, I peeked around until I saw Jamison and Cole. I hid myself, wondering if they were arguing about Kieran.
"-don't trust him, Jamie. I don't," Cole said.
"He doesn't even like Kieran," Jamison said. "If he is working with them, I can promise it's not by choice."
"Does it matter? You've given Cor chances to come forward about his involvement," Cole said.
"He's probably being threatened into it if he is involved," Jamison said. "Kieran is the main target."
"It doesn't make any sense," Cole said, and he sounded surprisingly frustrated. "Kieran wasn't the kind of person who ever would've blackmailed someone or threatened them into something like this."
"It might not be him. Once we catch him, we'll get the answers we need. But if Cor is involved, I don't think it's willingly," Jamison said.
"And you?" Cole said.
"What?" Jamison sounded genuinely confused.
"You being involved with Cor. Is that willing?" Cole said.
Jamison was silent for a few moments. I wondered if he was even going to reply to that.
"He's not like we originally thought," Jamison said at last. "He...surprised me."
"I think you've heard enough."
I jumped in surprise at the new voice, spinning to face Kenz. She put a hand on my shoulder and pulled me away from my hiding spot and away towards the front of the building.
"I can't blame you for eavesdropping. I won't even tell the boys," she said, dropping her hand back to her side as we reached the door. She held it open for me and I walked through, not speaking.
I knew the least about Kenz. It was best to get a feel for this situation before responding to her.
"I'm sure you thought Jamie was hoping you'd kiss and tell," she said, crossing her arms as we reached the stairs. "He tells me everything, Cor. Personally, I'm not sure what to make of you. But Jamie sounds quite confident that you're not someone to be on edge around, and I like to think I can trust his judgments."
"Cole sure doesn't sound like he does," I said, deciding to just roll with it. She knew I was eavesdropping, so I might as well address what I'd heard. I certainly wasn't going to do that with Jamison.
"Cole doesn't trust anyone easily. He never has," Kenz said. "And you came out of nowhere, part of Kieran's group. That makes him even more suspicious of you."
"Well, that's his problem," I said.
"It is his problem. But Jamison tends to want to fix his friends' problems," Kenz said. She looked past me. "Ah, there they are."
Jamison and Cole came up to us. Cole didn't look at me, just shoved his hands in his pockets and slouched next to Jamison.
Kenz went over and jabbed a finger into what I was assuming was a pressure point, judging by the way Cole instantly tensed up and twitched. Kenz shot him a stern look.
"Watch your posture. You're going to ruin your back," she said, stepping away from him.
"You're going to ruin the rest of me if you keep doing that!" Cole whined.
"Let's go get food before we need to get a doctor," Jamison said with a sigh. "Sorry we're a little late, Cor. I hope you guys weren't waiting long."
"We weren't. That doesn't mean I'm any less hungry, though," Kenz said.
We went up the stairs, splitting up to get the food we wanted. We reunited and sat down together a few minutes later.
We started to eat, and I realized just how hungry I actually was. I tended to just skip breakfast, unless I had a test that day. My stomach was pleasantly surprised to actually be getting food so early.
"Hey, Cor, you never talk when you sit with us," Cole said.
"I never have anything to say," I said.
"Well, Jamie might know you, but Kenz and I don't know shit about you. I mean, is Cor even your full name?"
"Cor Sander," I said.
"No, I mean...Your full first name," Cole said. "Is Cor short for something?"
"Is Cole?" I said. "For all I know, your full name could be Coleslaw."
"He might be Cor-rect," Jamison said.
"I Cor-dially invite you to stop whatever the hell you're doing," Cole said.
"No one puts Jamison's wordplay in a Cor-ner," Jamison said.
"That was so Cor-ny," Cole said.
I picked up my knife and handed it to Kenz. "Just...right between my eyes. Stab it as hard as you possibly can, and if that doesn't kill me, stab me a few more times."
"That Cor-not be healthy," Jamison said with a frown.
If I could go back in time and slap my parents for setting me up for this moment, I fucking would.
"Stop teasing him," Kenz said to Jamison and Cole. "Besides, I don't know how many more bad puns I can take either, and it's not even my name being mocked."
"Sorry, sorry," Jamison said.
"I'm not," Cole said. "He called me Coleslaw. For all we know, he could be Princess Koriand'r."
"Koriand'r is spelled with a K. My name starts with a C," I said.
"So sorry, Princess," Cole said, bowing his head.
I chose to ignore that and take another bite of my breakfast. I kept sneaking glances at Kenz, wondering if she'd tell them about me eavesdropping. Surely she would. I would've told Kieran, Val, and Mia if I'd caught Jamison eavesdropping on them.
Wouldn't I?
I shook that thought out of my head. It would depend on the situation, and on what he overheard. I hadn't overheard anything that I hadn't already guessed at, so it's not like Jamison would be that mad about it if Kenz did end up telling him.
Wait, no, that wasn't right. I wouldn't get mad if I was in Jamison's position, but he got more emotional about things than I did. So he might get mad if she told him. He might get suspicious of me.
"I'm going to get a drink," I said, getting up, already knowing Jamison would follow me.
Sure enough, he got up and grabbed his empty cup. "I need a refill. I'll go with you."
"We'll miss you both dearly," Cole said.
Jamison rolled his eyes and the two of us walked over to where the drinks were. I grabbed a cup and got myself some orange juice, watching as Jamison refilled his cup.
"I overheard you and Cole earlier," I said.
He looked at me in surprise. "What?"
"I eavesdropped," I said. Best if he heard it from me. It would show I could be honest and fess up when I did something I shouldn't have. "Cole doesn't trust me. But you do."
Jamison just stared at me for a few moments before putting a hand over his face and laughing quietly. "Jesus, Cor, I can't figure you out sometimes."
I watched him in confusion. This certainly hadn't been the reaction I'd been expecting.
He noticed my expression and shook his head, his laughter slowly fading off. "I know you do everything for a reason. It's just the kind of person you are. But you do things I don't expect, like telling me you were eavesdropping. Yea, Cole doesn't trust you. He doesn't know you. All he knows is that you run with Kieran, and he's still hurt over everything that happened with Kieran. So he's not going to trust you easily."
I couldn't help myself. "Why do you?"
He gestured to me. "Because you're not a very secretive person. You're guarded, but that's different. You told me about your best friend. You're willing to open up if someone can just show you that you can trust them. Your parents weren't around much, and it sounds like you never had a prominent adult figure in your life growing up. So you learned how to take care of yourself, right?"
I nodded slowly. So many babysitters I couldn't keep count. Sometimes I'd be bounced around various family members if my parents couldn't get a babysitter. Every once in a while my parents themselves would look after me. But with so many people in and out of my life, I'd taken on the chore of raising myself.
I learned proper manners and public behavior from school, and from observing people out in public. I taught myself anything I struggled with in school, and how to do tasks as simple as tying my shoes and cleaning laundry, to fixing my car and hacking computers.
"You had to mature early on to do that. I'm sure it wasn't easy. I'm sure you got cautious about letting people in, because you were so used to relying on yourself," Jamison said. "Cole was sort of like that when he was younger, but Kieran caught him at an early age and helped him along. Cole had Kieran for so long that I'm sure he forgot what it was like to only have himself to rely on, but I haven't forgotten what he was like when we first met him. That's what I see in you. I bet that's what Kieran saw, too."
Or Kieran saw someone with computer skills advanced enough to help him with his illegal dealings. I doubted he saw me as a self-reliant guy that reminded him of his old friend.
"Look, what I'm trying to say, is that I trust you. I'm not saying you're the most trusted person in my life. But I am saying that I understand you take time to warm up to people, and I'm willing to put in that effort," he said. "You're a lot different than I thought you'd be."
"What'd you think I'd be?" I said.
"Honestly, my first impression of you? Quiet, a little cold, and completely disinterested in people," he said. "But that's not true. Well, the quiet part is. But you're not cold or disinterested. I think you're so quiet because you are interested."
So he'd picked up on that, huh? My sunglasses hid my eyes, so when I was quiet, most people ignored me. They couldn't see where I was looking, so they assumed I wasn't focused since they couldn't see where I was focused.
"You like to just sit and watch, don't you?" Jamison said.
"People are interesting," I said with a shrug.
"See, and first meeting you, I never would've guessed that," Jamison said. "You're full of surprises if people just take the time to learn about you."
I frowned, trying to think of the last time anyone had cared enough to learn that much about me. Most people thought I was too boring, or came off too harsh.
Aria had always loved to be around me, and I'd never understood it. Was that why? Was I actually interesting?
I looked at Jamison. He said he was close with his family. He'd been able to rely on them growing up. He didn't have to constantly have his mind switched into survival mode. He didn't have to grow up fast enough to raise himself.
He didn't have to embrace the logistics of every choice he made. Was that was his emotions ran so wild? He'd been able to explore them, embrace them, express them. He didn't think ahead to what his mood swings would cost him in the long run.
I held my temper in check. I tucked my sadness away. I saved my joy. I kept myself neutral until I knew the best reaction for a situation.
We were so damn different.
"Let's go eat," I said.
It was hard to think about letting anyone know me the way Aria had. Especially with Val still keeping me tied to the Collectors however she could.
She would target Jamison in a heartbeat if she thought it would keep me compliant. I'm sure she already blackmail lined up to use against him.
But Val wouldn't blackmail me forever. Surely I could take this risk.
I felt my heart beating steadily faster as those thoughts whispered through my mind. Me and Jamison. Me and Aria. Val.
Jamison already suspected I was being blackmailed. Maybe I should warn him what he was really getting into.
But, no, I couldn't do that. It'd be selling out Kieran. It would confirm Jamison's thoughts about Kieran. Maybe I didn't care much for Kieran, but he hadn't turned his back on me yet, and I certainly wasn't going to antagonize him now.
And, well, maybe I respected him a little. He easily could've turned us in to save himself, but he hadn't. He could've let me get caught, but he hadn't. He could've used that opportunity to hit me to actually hurt me, but he hadn't.
The two of us sat back down at the table. Nia had joined the group, but Cole raised an eyebrow and spoke before she could greet Jamison.
"Gone for a while there," he said.
"Cor is very indecisive about his morning drink," Jamison said.
"Is he going to start sitting with us now?" Nia asked, and she sounded genuinely curious.
"I don't usually eat breakfast," I said. "Don't get used to the sight of me here bright and early."
"You shouldn't skip breakfast," Kenz said sternly.
"Congratulations, she's adopted you too," Cole said to me.
"Thanks, but I'll take care of my own body," I said.
"It's too late, trust me," Cole said. "Once she goes mom-mode, that's it. It's permanent. Kenz and Jamison just adopt Crowe students to raise together."
"They do act like my parents," Nia said, laughing a little at the look she received from Jamison. "Well, you do. My dad's always giving me lectures like you."
"Probably because you can't keep out of trouble." Jamison sounded exasperated, but the smile he gave Nia was sincere.
He seemed to care so much about his friends. But if Kieran had been his best friend, then how well did he really treat them?
"You were born 70, weren't you?" Nia said.
Jamison slung an arm around her neck, pulling her close and messing up her hair. "And you're permanently a toddler, aren't you?"
She laughed and tried to push him off, and the two looked close and happy. You never would've guessed Jamison could be so hard on her.
But maybe he was hard on her to teach her. I thought of my dad putting that book on a higher shelf, something that might seem mean to others, but that I saw now as nothing more than a hard lesson.
Some people just taught lessons harsher than others. Some people did malicious things with pure intent. Jamison let his emotions cloud his judgment, and he acted recklessly, even when everyone around him and he himself thought it was all calculated.
I frowned a little. I spent so much time thinking about other people. But what about myself? How did I treat others? Was I my father, moving that book up out of reach?
I looked at Jamison, who'd been so patient, tried so hard to figure me out. He'd skipped out on chances to tie me into the crimes of the Collectors. He knew the truth, but he didn't threaten me or try to convict me for any of it.
What had I given him?
I'd often wondered why Aria wanted to be around me. Had I given her something that kept bringing her back for more? Was there something that made her and Jamison attach themselves to me so firmly?
I watched Jamison as he interacted with his friends. He looked happy, his eyes bright despite how early it was. His smile was wide and genuine, his laughter a burst of joy every time it came. There was no tension in his body, and no guards thrown up as he talked and joked with his friends.
What did I want?
I wanted that. I wanted people I could drop my guard around. I wanted to know what it felt like to let emotion take control of logic, even just for a breakfast with friends.
So I watched Jamison and his friends, taking in how they interacted, paying attention to the jokes that made them laugh the hardest, and focusing on the conversations that they got most enthusiastic about.
Jamison stood up with his tray his hands, looking to me. "We should head to class."
I stood up as well, checking the time. I hadn't realized how late it was getting.
"We should all head to class," Kenz said.
"We can walk together. We're all going to the same general place," I said. It was a start.
Jamison seemed surprised, but then he looked pleased. "Yea, let's all head there together. Then we can make sure Cole doesn't ditch class."
"I don't ditch!" Cole said. "It was one time."
"Twice. Don't test my memory," Kenz said.
"Sorry mom," Cole grumbled.
The five of us left the dining hall together. Nia stretched and turned her face up towards the sun, smiling widely.
"It's so nice out! Jamie, let's go for a run after classes," she said.
"Sure," he said with a nod. "Cor, want to come?"
"Not particularly. Running's not my thing," I said.
"It's not for everyone," Jamison said. "Well, Nia and I will go for a run after class, and I'll text you when we're getting dinner if you want to come with us?"
"Sure," I said.
I listened to them talk again as we headed for the academic building. They mingled together easily, even Nia, though I knew she was the last to join their close-knit crew.
We reached the academic building and went inside together. Jamison nudged me, laughing at a joke I'd missed.
"You're so quiet," he said. "We don't bite. You can talk to us."
But what would I say to them? I didn't know them well enough to navigate a conversation. I didn't know what topics were safe to bring up.
I chewed on my lip thoughtfully. Maybe I didn't need to know, though. They didn't seem to put much thought into it. They just talked, their topics changing with absent-minded ease.
Still, what did I have to talk about? Schoolwork and the Collectors were, sadly, my life right now. School wasn't an exciting topic, and the Collectors wasn't exactly something I could talk about with the Crows.
I looked over towards my classroom and saw Kieran and Mia watching our group. Kieran had a cool expression on his face, his eyes meeting mine. Mia looked disgusted, shaking her head a little and saying something quietly to Kieran. The two disappeared into the classroom together.
"Cole!" Val ran up to our little group, shooting me a smug look. "I was looking for you and Jpeg."
"We were at breakfast," Cole said. "Did you need something?"
"Just a friend to walk to class with." Val bumped her shoulder against mine. "Let's finish our puzzle tonight, Jpeg."
Oh, no. That meant she had something to talk to me about. That was never good.
"Oh, come on, before we're late," Jamison said, checking the time. "Nia, I'll text you after classes. See you guys!"
Everyone called out their goodbyes and went to their classrooms. Kieran and Mia both ignored me as I took my seat, though that wasn't exactly anything new.
When lunch came around, I packed up my stuff slowly, hoping Jamison would get to me before Kieran did. I was lucky for once in my life, and Jamison came up to me.
"Want to eat lunch with us?" he offered.
I shrugged. "I guess so."
Was this what I had to do? Detach myself from Kieran's group and hope they'd let me go?
I always thought I'd be content to be alone. But being with Aria had made me happier than anything. What if I found more people that brought that happiness out of me? What if I could be surrounded by people like Aria all the time? What if I could just let my emotions explore the world without fearing the consequences?
We left the classroom and started walking together. Jamison was texting on his phone, so I looked around at all the students walking around us.
So many of them walked in groups or pairs, smiling and talking and laughing. If I could reach that point, maybe I could move on from the Collectors. A fresh start. A chance at something better than being on my guard all the time.
Apparently it was too early to drop my guard, though. Someone grabbed my arm and yanked me away from Jamison.
"Come with me," Kieran said.
"Let him go," Jamison said, shooting a look at Kieran. "Don't forget you're on probation."
"I'm not breaking any rules," Kieran said. "Piss off, president."
Jamison stepped up to Kieran. Despite their similar height, he suddenly seemed to tower over Kieran.
"Let him go," Jamison repeated.
Kieran stood his ground. "I don't like when people tell me what to do."
"Neither do I, but that apparently doesn't mean anything," I said, tugging my arm free of his grip. "What do you want?"
"Come on," he said.
"You don't have to go with him, Cor," Jamison said.
"He doesn't have to go with you, either. Playing nice guy to his face doesn't make you any less manipulative," Kieran said. He seemed especially irritated today, so he must have something he needed to talk to us about.
"I'm not doing this civil war thing," I said. "Jamison, I'll see you for dinner."
Jamison reluctantly nodded. "Yea, see you for dinner. You're welcome to join us for lunch, though."
I followed Kieran the rest of the way to the dining hall. We both got food before sitting at the table with Mia and Val.
Kieran immediately pushed his tray away from himself. "We have a problem."
"We tend to have a lot of those," I said.
He ignored that. "Today is the day I usually send money home to my mom. I sign off campus and make a stop home to drop it off. But I don't have any money to deliver. If Jamison finds out from Darby that I'm not dropping money off, he'll pull me in for questioning."
"I haven't heard about any other attacks in town," Mia said. "What's the Doctor doing?"
"He hasn't been pulling attacks in town, not with the cops on high alert. He's still got Collectors working in nearby towns, but with all three schools in this one on a lookout, he's being careful, I'd assume," Kieran said. "He doesn't want to send anyone into a trap that could risk a leak of information."
"So what's your next move?" Val asked. "Unless you don't have one."
"I have one, but I need you to cover for me tonight." He was looking at me and Val now. "Keep Jamison and Cole busy. Mia, you'll watch Kenz and Nia and make sure they're not going to follow me off campus, or send anyone after me."
"We have a test tomorrow, so I'll invite Cole over to study tonight. I'm sure Jpeg can think of quite a few ways to keep Jamison busy," Val said, grinning a little.
"What's your move?" I asked. I didn't like this. I had a bad feeling.
"Just do your job," Kieran said. "I don't care if you're best friends with the Crows now. You still run with us."
Kieran confused me just as much as Jamison sometimes. He had such a strong sense of loyalty, even to people he didn't care much for. But that was why there was so much hatred between him and Jamison and him and Cole. He had a sense of loyalty and expected the same from them. They let him down, and he couldn't forgive that, regardless of their reasons.
"Fine, yea, I'll cover for you," I said. "But Jamison is the only one I'll distract. The other three are up to Val and Mia."
"Cole will be distracted," Val assured.
"I'll keep an eye on Nia and Kenz," Mia said.
"I'll sign off officially, so don't worry about watching my room. They'll know I'm gone," Kieran said.
"You think you can get the money you need in time?" Mia said.
"We'll see. Just make sure I'm not followed, and that the Crows aren't communicating with each other," Kieran said.
I knew he wouldn't tell us his plan, but there was a knot in my stomach that told me it wasn't a good one. He was out of time, which meant any plan he came up with now would be desperate. A last attempt before the Crows closed in on him. But if it went wrong, he'd be damned either way, and the rest of us could fall with him.
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A.N.- Shout out to the assholes in the NFJC who nutted bad Cor puns at me and inspired part of this chapter, you guys suck and ily. Also, I've officially finished writing the story, so you can expect regular updates on it!