WALKING INTO THE HOUSE seemed to be really hard to do. I spent almost two weeks since I woke up in that room. It was absolutely miserable staying in that white room listening to the tv that showed nothing interesting.
The house seemed empty and quiet. It just wasn't the same. I finally took in the fact the my brother was gone. At the same time, I still couldn't believe it— not one bit.
After waking up that time and when my mom had told me I was shocked, confused, and hurt. I was physically and mentally in pain.
Everything was soar, every bone in my body. Every movement ached. I didn't leave the car without a scratch, matter of fact a broken arm. It was hard getting up to use the bathroom, but thankfully I was able to make it.
My heart ached also. For my brother, for my parents, for my family, my friends.
My parents were with me twenty-four seven. Yes, it got annoying sometimes when I just wanted to be alone with myself but i was thankful they were there. My friends also came to visit sometimes. I would only listen to them for the most part since I wasn't able to talk much.
The doctors said it was something about trauma from the accident. I didn't really pay much attention to them since all I really wanted was to be out of there.
Now here I was back at the house. For some reason I actually wished that I was back at the hospital. Seems better than being in a home that doesn't feel like it.
"Mom?" I turned around looking at her. I don't like it here. Not now.
"What is it sweetie?" Concerned laced her voice. I cracked a small smile her way not wanting her to be worried.
"Is it uh, always going to feel like this?" I asked.
"Yes, but not as bad as it does now." She walked up to me and wrapped me in a reassuring hug.
"Where's dad?"
"He's at the store getting groceries. We haven't gone shopping since," she paused, "you know."
I nodded my head in response.
Soon enough I ended up in my room laying on my bed. I just sat there. It's not like I could go on my phone, since it was shattered from the wreck. My mom and dad said that they'll buy a new one soon and all I could really say was that they could take their time.
I still was going to go to school, I just need some time. Therefore, my school work will be sent to me. I'm at least going to wait until after the funeral. I just need my time to recoup after everything.
After just getting bored of sitting on my bed I get up to get something to eat. I exit my room and walk down the hall past another room. I take a glance at the door but continue to walk down the stairs.
I go to the kitchen and open the fridge. Wow my mom was right. There is no food. I look in the cabinet and see nothing also. I don't feel like cooking any canned vegetables or soup, nor did I feel like cooking meat or anything else that had to deal with cooking.
I leave the kitchen with a sigh and empty handed. It was late anyways I'll just catch up on sleep I guess instead of worrying about food.
I walk back to the stairs and cry out in pain feeling tears swell in my eyes. I had just slammed my arm on the staircase by accident. I go up the stairs trying not to cry and seem like a baby.
I couldn't help but stop at that same door I was eyeing. I slowly open the door and my breath hitches in my throat and I seem to be swallowing down the lump in my throat also.
I take a step in the room and look around. I closed the door behind me and slowly take my time around the room. I sit down on the bed but soon end up wrapping myself in it.
God it smells just like him.
I'm not trying to seem creepy in anyway whatsoever. I just can't help it. This time I wasn't crying because of my arm. My heart was throbbing and all I could think was why? Why him?
It could've been me, but I know that wouldn't have been good either. Because for all I know he'd feel this way too. I couldn't wish this on him nor anyone else. He shouldn't have died, it just wasn't fair.
Before I knew it i was in full tears. I was having a break down and it just wasn't fair. None of it was. For some odd reason as I was crying I was drifting. Drifting until I was asleep.
————
Today was the day I dreaded. The day everyone wore black. We stood outside mourning over a death. I know that's something Jeff wouldn't want us to do that. Hell I remember what he told me. Always said this to me.
"When I die I don't want you guys to be dumbasses and mourn like an average funeral. Hell if I'm dead I want you guys partying at my grave. Bring the party to me, my last one."
Then he'd laugh at the end. We both would and I always agreed. For some reason I couldn't dance or party even if he really wanted to. It just wouldn't feel right.
I didn't go up to speak either. I just couldn't bring my heart up to do it. I wasn't ready to speak about him. Not out loud, not to anyone.
Once the funeral was over we headed to our place to reminisce. Something I didn't want to be apart of so I stepped out back. I sat down on the top stair not caring if I was going to get the dress dirty.
"Didn't feel like joining the party either." Someone chuckled. I jumped being startled. I snapped my head in the direction seeing a boy.
"Oh yeah," I paused taking a breath, "just don't feel like talking about those memories."
"Yeah I feel you in that." He sighed, "I'm Scott, Scott Reed."
"Dillon, Dillon Atkins." I gave a half smile. "And I know your name, just not you."
His face seemed shocked but quickly covered it up after saying something under his breath.
"Oh shit, I'm sorry about saying that just now. Wow yeah... I uh, I probably just sounded like a dick." He moved his hand to the back of his neck. His eyes flicked to my arm that was currently laid on my lap.
"No it's fine for real. I agree." I laughed lightly. His cheeks were tinted a little pink, probably from embarrassment.
"He'd want us partying right now." He laughed. I guess he was a really great friend to know that.
"Hell yeah." I said quietly, "I remember seeing you around the house actually. Um, know know with the guys when Jeff invited you guys when our parents weren't here."
"Oh yeah. Jeff didn't really want us around you being honest. I don't blame him, some of them are real assholes." He acknowledged.
"He didn't want me around a lot of people apparently." I huffed under my breath. I think he might have heard that but I wasn't sure since it was quiet.
"What happened to your arm?" He asked clueless to the situation. I gasped looking at him. I was being overly dramatic with the gasp and also very much sarcastic.
"Oh my gosh! You haven't heard the second biggest talk of the town?" I acted shocked. Scott shook his head with an eye roll to my sarcasm. Now I was going to be serious.
"I was in the wreck with him." I cleared. I had my head looking down but when I looked up Scott was sitting right next to me.
I haven't even known he moved right next to me. Or the fact that he had gotten up. I just haven't really been paying attention to it all.
"Oh I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought that up." He said sincerely while shaking his head.
I hadn't realized that I started crying just thinking about him. Something I've seem to be doing a lot lately.
"God, this is so dumb." I laughed while bringing my hands to wipe my tears.
"No it's fine. You just lost your brother and you were with him. Let it out." He put an arm around me in a comforting move.
"It's just on the way home from the party I— we were arguing and he was drunk. But not too drunk, you know? But we ended on a bad note kind of. I told him I hated him seconds before the crash. I was joking of course and he caught on but those were the last words I said to him." I cried.
In movies when a person dies they end on a bad note yes, but they don't say I hate you. As cliche as it had to be this is one of them. I hate it. I've always hated cliches and I seem to be living in one.
"Hey, hey. It's okay. It's going to be okay." He said calmly.
It was comforting. Although I was crying on the shoulder of my brothers friend who I wasn't aloud to be around in the first place was weird, it felt nice.
I guess I just really needed a comforting shoulder to cry on and talk about it. Even though it wasn't much I somehow seemed like I talked a lot.
I don't know how long we've been here in this position but I finally lifted my head and wiped my tears while nodding my head. We both got up and headed inside.