"Thorin?" She closed the door behind her.
The moment his eyes looked at her, he felt his knees unlocking. He leaned back against the cabinet to keep himself from falling down. Every single word from the accursed mouth of Nytrhasir returned a thousandfold to unravel all his threads onto the stone floor of his office. She was standing by the door watching him with a pained expression he wished he could erase from her features. A bouquet of snow flowers was in her hands. She followed his eyes and tried to smile brightly.
"They are for you. To fix your mood." She said and came over to place them at his desk.
He was looking at them frozen.
"Do you like them?" she bit her lower lip.
He winced. "Eilin listen..."
She beamed up to him the brightest smile she could master. "They come along with many hugs, endless kisses and anything you require of me to reveal."
He looked up quickly and felt his breath catching. "Anything?" He whispered.
She grinned and approached. "Anything! I've been really messing up with your mind lately and now look at the results. You have done everything to make me feel loved, you have pledged your heart to me in front of your kingdom and look what I've done to you. You look almost broken" -her smile faded at these words- "I don't even know if I am allowed to come closer to you. The vibes I am getting from you are not good and I want to change that so much. Let me help you please."
He squeezed his eyes tight and covered part of his eyes. His hand was visibly trembling. "There is only one way to help me right now Eilin."
She sensed his distress and embraced him furiously. The moment her arms came around him, he felt as if everything could still be right in the world. His arms wrapped quickly around her, and he grabbed onto her like a drowning man grabs a floating wood to save his life. At this point only she could save him or kill him and she had no idea how much power she had over him.
"What is the matter my love?" She pushed back in order to see his face and her palms smoothed his hair away from his forehead and cheeks.
He squeezed his eyes tight trying to keep himself in check. He knew he was losing control on all the suppressed emotions of the past few days...fast.
"Why are you like this? What happened to you?" She whispered.
"You don't understand," he began but instantly had to stop. He found it impossible to open his mouth without releasing the tears that were hiding behind the floodgates of his eyes.
Her mouth touched his delicately and he shook down to his core. He never expected his mouth to respond as demandingly as it did. It felt as if he wanted in some manner to announce that he was still in control of everything, when he was clearly not. His kiss bordered to desperate and his nails clawed on her thin shoulders painfully. If he could overlook all these painful words of Nyrthrasir he would have stripped her from the waist down and would have taken her right here upon his desk in order to validate his hold on her. To reaffirm his domination over her body against the other man that declared that he owned a part of her also. She must have felt his need, because she led his hand to her womanhood with no restraints and spoke onto his half open, panting lips. "I am here for you. Take it all out on me."
Those words were enough to undo him. His eyes were unable to hold the hot tears behind his eyelids anymore. They ran down his cheeks, between her fingers. Staining her palm. He drew his hand back as if he had touched fire and pulled away from her lips heaving, "No!"
She frowned and cupped his cheeks between her hands, "why are you crying? What happened out there in the campaign Thorin? Why are you like this? You are scaring me..." she whispered, but her adoring look was lost at his sealed eyes.
He shook his head. "This has nothing to do with the campaign." His voice was deep.
"Then why are you like this? You left me sleeping in our bed after making amazing love to me as always. I slept knowing you are fine. I woke up to you gone on a military operation and I had no idea what was going on, or if you were going to return to me in one piece or dead. You come back and I find this in the stead of my Thorin. What has happened between the moment we slept in each other's arms and now?" She jerked him hard in order to knock some sense into him. She needed to make him come back to her.
He reached up and clasped her palms that were on his cheeks. His initial intention was to push them away, but his heart decided to enfold them against his cold logic. He pulled them down and placed her palms on his chest. "I need to learn your secret Eilin. The one you had been keeping from me during the last few weeks. The one you said you were going to reveal when you are ready. I need to learn it now. I left in order to avoid this, but it cannot be evaded. I cannot remain in the dark a moment longer."
He expected her face to morph in fear, instead it opened up like a flower bud for him. The smile that came on her beautiful lips was the sweetest he had ever seen, "is that all my love? I am ready to say it to you..."
He squeezed his eyes tight and frowned. His hands clutched hers painfully, "take care what you'll tell me Eilin because you are the only one who can give me life or kill me with a single word."
A shadow of doubt rippled through her brows, "I'd rather die than harm you." She muttered and her fingers caressed the exposed skin of his open tunic.
"Tell me." His voice was barely heard. He got ready to hear her revelations about her lover. He got ready to understand how she was torn between two men, because nothing could convince him that she was lying about her feelings for him. He got ready to tell her that he'd do anything to eliminate that man from her life even though her betrayal would tear him apart harder than Azog's cleaver. Still those warm loving hands on his chest, those adoring eyes and those soft lips weren't totally lying to him. Whatever was happening with Nyrthrasir she was also feeling for him, wasn't she? As he felt for her, deeper than he had felt for any other woman.
She wiped the tears from his cheeks and her soft lips touched his softly and lingered. He felt her smile on his mouth, "My love, you are going to be a father!"
His heart braked so hard it left skid marks on his soul.
For several moments he was not breathing, he was not thinking, he was not even alive. He felt his extremities becoming frozen as he panted quickly into her open mouth, trying to draw in some oxygen from her as his was already diminished. Her words knocked his soul out of his body.
Her fingers curled on his chest, trying to get a response from him, "did you hear me? I am pregnant with our child!"
His lips began trembling.
"Thorin what's the matter? Speak to me! Did you hear what I just said? I am pregnant," for the first time her voice broke. Seeing him frozen after such a revelation was not something she was expecting.
He dropped her hands down and pulled back so quickly that she almost toppled over. He crushed against the back wall and opened up his defeated eyes to her. "What have you done..."
She frowned, "what?"
"That low life scum, Nyrthrasir..." he hissed, his voice dangerously low. Just the mention of that name made his nape crawl with anger and suddenly his eyes took on a terrifying capacity that frightened Eilin. The last thing she had been expecting to see from Thorin when she announced her pregnancy was uncontrollable anger.
"Who?" She muttered and tried to approach him.
"Stay back!" He commanded and she froze in place, quivering.
"What happened my love? Why are you acting like this?" Her eyes teared up and her heart thudded violently against her temples.
"Don't you know that name?" He continued with a voice that became deeper and more menacing with each passing second.
"I have never heard of it. What you are talking about?" she tried to approach him again.
"I said stand back for I cannot vouch for my actions right now!" He spat between his gritted teeth.
She froze and felt all the blood draining from her face. She was unable to understand what demon had taken over him.
He rounded his desk, keeping away from her and unlocked his last drawer after several failed attempts of his shaking hands. Just as she was about to attempt another approach in order to calm his furious state and try to figure out what was happening, he drew something out of it and threw it at her. She grabbed it mid air and looked down at it. Suddenly her face became dead pale. "Where did you get this?" She muttered.
"Do you recognise it?" His eyes were pure fire.
"This is my baby belt," she said and turned it around to see the usual runes inside and a few scratches she had done using a knife one evening that was feeling bored.
He closed his eyes and his fists became tight. His nose flared as he tried to control the emotional tsunami that was taking place inside him. "Why did you do this to me Eilin?"
"Do what to you? How did you come by my baby belt? I've lost this years ago!" she said in terrified bewilderment.
"Nyrthrasir..." he spat.
"Who in the name of Mahal is Nyrthrasir?!" She cried and tightened her fist around her baby belt, "how did you find this?!"
"Your lover gave this belt to me," his eyes opened up and spat the very fires of mount Doom upon her.
"My who?!" her mouth dropped open in shock.
"Don't act so innocent, you are infuriating me," he growled.
"I honestly have no idea what you are talking about right now!" She cried and stomped her foot down, wanting to grab him by the lapels and slap him back into reason.
"Did you or did you not give this baby belt to him as a token of love when you were working as a prostitute at the Forsaken Inn?" He took a step close to her.
Instinctively she took one back, "I never worked as a prostitute there Thorin get your head together please! I worked as a servant! I told you many times! And what token of love? I never had a lover in my life apart from you!"
"Did you or did you not see him when he first arrived in Erebor and fell for him again like he did for you?" His voice dropped an octave and he took another deliberate step closer.
She pulled back again feeling consumed by the ripples of anger that were escaping him, "I don't even know who that man is!"
"Did you or did you not become intimate with him repeatedly under my roof at the same time you were intimate with me?!" He spat with such fury that she screeched and raised her hand defensively in front of her face even though he didn't attempt to hit her. It was as if his words were swatting her face instead of his hands.
"Never! I have never been with anyone but you! I have never loved anyone else but you!" She sobbed and tried to wipe away her tears becoming equally furious at him for hurting her in this manner.
He moaned and grabbed his temples pressing them fiercely, wanting in some manner to tear out the red film of wrath that was in front of his vision now. "I want to believe you so much, but you are not making it easy for me...in fact you are doing the exact opposite."
"Why wouldn't you believe me!? Thorin see reason please! I don't know who that man is, nor have I ever worked as a prostitute!" she cried and leaned over from her need to shove those words deep into his mind and make him believe them.
"He had your bloody baby belt! That man had a piece of your history with him!" Thorin pointed towards the door furiously.
"I don't know how he got it, but I never gave it to him!" she yelled with the same fierceness. She didn't know where fear ended, pain began and anger mingled in her mind at that moment.
"Liar!" He barked.
She felt her knees unlocking, "have mercy Thorin I am pregnant, please!" She sobbed.
"To his child, you are pregnant to his child!" -He spoke with barely constraint wrath- "I longed to believe that all this had been a lie. I have even debated of overlooking your betrayal if I knew you truly felt for me. I would have tried to win you over from him! I would have died trying, but not like this... This is the ultimate betrayal to my heart. You are killing me," -he hissed- "what was all this between us? Did you truly feel for me? Was it a need for power? For gold? What was it that drew you to me? Was everything you convinced me you felt a damned lie!?" he continued relentless.
"I loved you from the first moment I saw you Thorin! I have never loved anyone else! Who gave you this baby belt? Who spoke in such an ill manner about me? Did that happen before you left? Is that why you are this broken? WHO SPOKE TO YOU?! Bring him in front of me I am not afraid! I will confront him! I will confront the whole of Erebor if needed to convince you of my love for you! Someone lied to you about my past on purpose!" she cried, feeling both furious and scared. Trembling from the need to embrace Thorin and from her anger towards the man that spoke so ill about her. She wanted to face that filth that wanted to destroy them. She wanted to find him and ask him why...no scream at him why did he do such a thing! What had she ever done to deserve this, apart from love only one man and carry his child?
"You recognised the baby belt..." -Thorin closed his eyes and began pacing in front of his study like a caged animal- "You don't know how much I prayed this week every single night that you wouldn't have recognised it. Yet, you did," his eyes thinned on her once more. His heart remembered the partially forgotten wrath that had abated for a moment in front of the desolation of his soul.
She took all the steps back towards him and slammed her fist on his chest, still holding the baby belt in it. "I could die for you! I am pregnant with your child! I have loved no one else and I will never love no one else but you! I don't know how they found my baby belt, but they are lying! Bring him to me! I want to talk to him, in front of you! You are killing me also!"
"Don't remind me of your pregnancy woman, unless you want me to lose every single thread of patience with you," he spat vehemently.
Her brows clouded, "for Mahal's sake Thorin you are destroying us, please see reason."
"You want reason?" He raised his brow. His hand came down and grabbed her wrist so tightly that she yelped in pain. He raised it between their fuming faces, "this is your baby belt. The one you lost in the fields. Your lover had it. Not me. Not you. Your lover! As for your pregnancy, that's the ultimate proof of your betrayal to me!"
"How?" She felt her knees buckling. She could barely see his face from all her streaming tears.
"I am infertile." Curiously his voice had lost all colour upon uttering those words. It was completely aloof as if it was coming from someone else who was not participating in this heated argument. Maybe a detached part of himself.
She lost the world around her and felt like faint, "what?"
"I cannot have children," he muttered close to her face. "My seed cannot blossom in your womp like his seed can. His wife is also pregnant...don't tell me you didn't know." He felt his hand trembling with the need to crash her wrist between her fingers and pushed her back so roughly that she crashed upon his desk. He pushed her away in order not to hurt her, ending up hurting her more.
She grabbed her back and cried in pain, "Thorin..." her voice fluttered.
"Don't try to convince me of your innocence for there is none..." He shook from rage.
She pushed herself up from the desk and ran up to him. She grabbed his lapels hanging from him literally and figuratively, "don't do this to me Thorin please. I love you more than life. The child is yours. I haven't made love with anyone else. I don't know how your seed blossomed in me, but it did. I don't know this man. I don't know how he found my baby belt. I don't know who would be so ungodly as to organise such a lie against me, but whoever did it wanted to kill both me and you. Don't allow them. Trust in me. Trust in my love for you!"
His fingers curled around her hands tightly, "I cannot believe a single word you are saying anymore Eilin." His eyes were accusing, already having condemned her.
She wailed then and felt her knees unlocking under her, "have mercy on me, I love you!"
He allowed her to kneel in front of him and gazed down at her in rage. "I love you too, more than life! That's why I haven't killed you already. Gather your things. You have three days to leave Erebor. With him or alone is none of my concern."
"No!" her voice cried loud enough to reverberate through all the main caverns of the upper levels.
"It's over between us." He spat and walked to the door.
She bolted up with renewed fervour as the adrenaline that pumped through her veins felt that it was going to burn her mind. She crashed her back against his door, stopping his retreat, "you are not leaving me Thorin! If you do I will die on the spot. My belly is aching, my heart is aching, everything on me is aching. Don't allow them to destroy us please! They told you a LIE!" She was sweating profusely and sharp pains were coming from her lower stomach, making her head dizzy.
His heavy hands came around her shoulders and pulled her away from the wooden panel. She fell to the floor with a cry of pain defeated, "Three days." He said and crashed the door behind him.
Her left her on the floor to cry at death's door. She remembered little except from the blinding pain of not having Thorin in her life anymore. A pain that was enough to make her lower belly convulse. Her wails of agony notified the guards outside that someone was in serious pain. She couldn't think of anything at that moment, except from the need to get him back and to save the child in her loins that she felt certain was going to abandon her also.
It was Balin that found her lying on the floor of Thorin's office half unconscious, deadly pale and shaking heavily. He called on Loa and Dis. They carried her to the room of the princess as Eilin was coming in and out of reality. Barely understanding what was going on around her. Dis stripped her from the waist down after she saw that Eilin was not letting go of her belly and that she was crying in pain each time they tried to make her lay back on the bed. She was mentally prepared to see blood as she recognised the symptoms as a possible miscarriage.
She saw nothing.
She told Loa to bring up some cloths and warm water from the hot springs and stayed next to Eilin caressing her hair and patting her hand gently, trying to bring her back to them. She recognised the name of her brother amongst her heartbreaking pleads for mercy. She understood that something very serious had passed between Eilin and her brother, but her main concern for the moment was Eilin not losing the baby.
Everything else came in second.
When Loa returned, Dis took over the care of washing her lower body with warm water and placing warm cloths on her belly. She changed them regularly not caring how long it took for the girl to begin to unwind. She told Loa to give her some water and try to feed her some teaspoons of honey in order to animate her. After several changes at her lower stomach Eilin stopped moaning in pain, but she was still shaking like a leaf. Dis after making sure that there were no traces of blood redressed her with an airy tunic in order not to restraint her lower body and didn't put on her any underwear. She placed a warm dry cloth on her and tied it around her waist in order to keep it in place. It took Loa a long time to make Eilin open her eyes. By the time she looked up at the princess with a glazed look of surrender the golden bell was striking the first call of the night. It took Dis and Loa all day to bring Eilin back from the dead.
"Hi darling. How are you feeling?" Dis whispered and cleared her sweaty hair away from her forehead.
"Thorin..." she convulsed and fresh tears sprang from her eyes.
Dis's face turned rigid, "you'll tell me in a minute what my idiotic brother did to you. Now tell me if you are still in pain. It's important."
Eilin pressed her lips and her jawline trembled. She shook her head.
"I think you came very close to losing the baby. I don't know what happened back there, but nothing is worth endangering the life of my nephew or niece, do you understand?" Dis's voice was firm.
Eilin nodded, but her jawline shook as she tried to control her tears.
"Did he mishandle you? Did you hurt you anywhere?" Dis's was trying hard to control her anger.
Eilin shook her head, "only my heart. He's hurt my heart..." she bellowed.
Dis hissed and grabbed her frozen hands tightly, "calm down, hush, remember the baby. You are not helping the baby by being like this. Calm down..." she chanted until Eilin began settling down once again. Her bellows, became wails and then sobs. When she was merely shivering with exhaustion Dis sighed deeply and looked up worriedly at Loa.
"This isn't going well. I want to give her some mead to calm her down, but I am afraid it's going to hurt the baby."
Loa shook her head, "no alcohol my lady. I'll go to the kitchens and see if I can make her a tea with some soothing leafs."
Dis pressed her lips, "thank you."
Loa bowed and left quickly.
Dis caressed Eilin's pale face, "Are you feeling cold?"
Eilin shook her head and averted her face as hot tears stained her cheeks.
Dis sighed, "Try eating another teaspoon of honey. I need to keep you here with me." She took the spoon and tried to force feed her.
Eilin gagged, but swallowed. "Did I get my blood?" She muttered with a hoarse voice.
"No, thank Mahal. Not yet at least. You are not out of danger though. You need to keep on your back."
"He told me to leave Erebor in three da-ys..." Eilin muttered and instantly she began sobbing again.
Dis grabbed her shoulder, "Remember what I told you about the baby! Calm down!"
Eilin cupped her mouth. She tried hard to force all the painful feelings back into her, wanting to stop her body from shaking so much. She didn't want to feel that mind blowing pain in her abdomen again. Never. Her other hand came down and covered her stomach protectively.
"He told you to leave?" Dis frowned after a few moments that Eilin seemed to settle a bit.
She nodded fiercely and moaned from the effort of not becoming hysterical again.
Dis shook her head, "okay stop. I cannot process this. What happened?"
Eilin opened her mouth and with it a tsunami of words came out that she tried to put in order, so she could relate what had taken place in Thorin's office. She spat sentences quickly, got confused, backtracked trying to remember the accursed name Thorin told her, the accusations, the fact that he was infertile and yet she was pregnant, that she was accused of having a secret lover behind his back. She didn't know if she related to Dis things as they happened or as she imagined them, or if it was half and half. The princess stopped her several times with a question or because she needed some clarification.
When Eilin finished she was unable to stop the sobs from raking her body again. The anguish she felt even at the thought of never seeing Thorin again was unbearable. She didn't care about leaving Erebor, nor about the lies that had been spat about her. She only cared about him and their child.
Dis took a strong hold of Eilin's shoulders and looked at her seriously. "Eilin what the hell has just happened?"
Eilin shook her head fiercely. "I don't know! He insists he's infertile and that's the biggest proof of my betrayal, of my intimacy with that other man! The baby belt! Who found my baby belt?! I thought I had lost it years ago in the fields! Who would go through all the trouble of digging that out for me now? All they've told him are lies! Despicable lies! Do you believe me my lady? I love no one else but him. Someone has to believe me lest I go mad!" Eilin's eyes popped out of their sockets in her need to hear that someone believed her.
Dis nodded solemnly, "I believe you, but there are many things I do not understand about all this."
"Me neither..." Eilin mumbled.
"What was the man's name?" Dis said.
"I cannot remember my lady, my mind is confused" Eilin closed her eyes.
"You really don't know him?" Dis tried to probe her gently. Not wanting to arouse her again.
"I have never heard of that name in my life!" Eilin bellowed and her fists punched the mattress in anger.
"And you haven't worked as a prostitute in the tavern?"
"Never!" Eilin moaned and arched off the bed in pain.
"Calm down," Dis caressed her forehead.
Eilin nodded and panted like a fish out of the water. She was shivering from feeling too cold, but at the same time she was also sweating.
"I need to talk to Thorin," Dis's eyes became clouded.
Eilin opened up her eyes and a small ray of hope appeared in their despair, "you will try to make him see reason?"
Dis raised her brow, "try is a good choice of words. Truth is that Thorin can become unbearably stubborn and when he feels in pain he locks up tight. When he's like that it's very hard to make him listen. Even harder to turn him around."
Eilin squeezed her eyes tight and covered her mouth as more sobs raked her chest. "I know. I tried so hard to make him listen to me..."
"Don't worry Eilin. I can penetrate my brother's heavy shields. I will blow them up from the inside out if I have to. I won't remain impassive through this. I don't know exactly what has taken place, but apparently someone is trying to mess up both you and him and I will find a way to get to the bottom of this." Dis reassured her firmly.
Eilin reached up and grabbed her hand, "I need to leave in three days. He told me..."
Dis frowned deeply, "you are going nowhere until I say so. Now stop the hysterics because you have someone else in there that needs to be well. Put aside Thorin and yourself for a moment and concentrate on the baby."
Eilin groaned and nodded, "I will try."
Dis looked up at Loa that entered with a fresh brew, "Don't leave her alone. Not even for a moment. If you see blood notify me immediately."
Loa bowed, "yes my lady."
Dis closed the door after giving one last caring look at the bed where Eilin was visibly shaking. At first her steps and thoughts were utterly bewildered. She was trying to put the scattered information in order. She had some vague idea of what had taken place, but not enough to draw a conclusion. Besides she didn't have the other half of the story. As her thoughts became more organised so did her steps. She searched for Thorin at all the usual places, but he was nowhere to be found.
Only when she saw the fires on the tall columns reflecting off the shiny surface of the sword pommel of one of the guards did his location dawned to her. She ran down to the forging stations as if she was on fire. She entered the archway of the usual station he'd been using ever since he recuperated and surely enough he was there. Half naked with a body that was full of fresh bloody scars and bruises from the campaign. With a heavy hammer in one hand and a red hot blade in the other. He was holding it from the pommel by a thin cloth that did little to protect his hand from the blistering heat. He threw the hammer down with such force that the blade broke in two. The roar of anger that left his chest broke her heart apart.
He threw the hammer with such vehemence against the wall that it created a large hole in it, bringing down heavy debris onto the floor. She was not looking at her brother right now, but a wounded wolf. A dangerous animal that could pounce and become deadly to everyone around him. Whether they'd be people he loved or not. She had seen him lose control in this manner very few times in his life.
Those were the few times that made Thrain fear the capacity of his son's wrath.
She braced herself, "wolf?"
The angry hiss that came from his lips as he turned and looked at her, made her heart cry out for him. This was not a man that simply destroyed a pregnant woman a little while ago for no reason. This was a man that was equally hurt to Eilin if not more.
"Don't bash my head in please," she raised her hands defensively.
He groaned and looked away, towards the fireplace.
"Can I approach you?" She asked knowing that in these cases it was not good to take the offensive with him. He'd flatten her to the wall, both physically and with words. She knew him well enough not to challenge him when he was at his worst. Eilin was lucky nothing more serious happened, even though her brother had never raised his hand against a woman.
He shook his head, truly unable to speak. The only sounds that came out of his throat were moans and groans of suffering and fury. He came down here hoping to destroy something in the stead of Eilin or that man. He had a great difficulty stopping himself from finding Nyrthrasir and making an example out of him by hanging him from the top most rampart and leaving him to rot out there as proof to what happened to the ones who betrayed him. Maybe even allowing Eilin to look at her lover in that state, but that short blast of hatred and pettiness didn't last. He couldn't even imagine Eilin more hurt than he had seen her at his office when he told her to leave. That is why he decided to come down here and take out all his fury on himself and on the room around him, on his tools, or maybe on his body. He needed to be cleansed in some manner before all this drove him mad, "get away Dis...just step away!" He grabbed his temples and squeezed tight. Wanting to squat out the fiery tornado of tormenting thoughts.
"What happened with Eilin my love? She almost lost her baby," Dis spoke quietly as she took another step closer.
That set his rage off. He picked up the boiling cauldron of melted iron with his bare hands and threw it against the wall. A waterfall of liquid metal and sparks fell onto the floor and he hissed in pain. He turned around and quickly dipped his burned palms at the water bucket, feeling fresh sweat running in thick rivulets down his back and sides.
"Thorin stop it before someone gets hurt. You or her, please," she begged.
He closed his eyes tight and spat between gritted teeth, "get out Dis. I cannot control what I am doing. Just get out!"
"I can see that wolf, that's why I am here. I won't allow you to hurt yourself or this girl. I don't know what happened, but listen to my voice please. Mute all the outraged voices in your head and listen to me. I am your gerbil. The baby you raised since you were a teenager, remember?"
He felt his eyes tearing up behind his closed eyelids as his body was shaking with frenzy.
"I used to wipe my snotty nose on your tunic, remember?" She took another careful step.
His lips became tightly white.
"I used to puke all my milk on your beard braid and beautiful hair. The ones you were always so proud of, my vainglorious brother." She approached an inch more.
His nails dug into his scarred palms.
"I used to sing off tune lullabies to you in order to make you sleep, only to wake you up and have you play the harp for me in order to fall asleep. How sick was that of me?" Her next step brought her close enough to reach out and touch his deltoid. She felt his skin shuddering under her palm.
His attempt to drown the moan that climbed up his throat, failed.
"What I remember from my dwarfling years is mom and you. Mostly you. Chasing me, kicking me, punching me, yelling at me, but also feeding me, changing me, singing to me...even training me. You've always been there for me wolf. Especially during my worst times. Let me do the same for you." Her palm rubbed his arm softly.
He exhaled a trembling breath.
"I've seen you only few times losing control in this manner. Let me be here for you." Her other hand came around his back and grabbed tight hold of his other arm. Her cheek leaned onto his shoulder blade and she gave him a gentle kiss on his sweaty skin.
"I am in pain," his voice was hushed.
"I know my love, that's why I am here for you."
"Is she alright?" He whispered the most unexpected question Dis would have ever thought possible.
Her heart broke for both of them, "I am trying to help her keep the baby. She's not well Thorin, no."
Something let go in his body then and she felt it, "did I hurt her?"
Dis tightened her arms around him lovingly, "physically no, emotionally you killed her. What happened Thorin? Why did you treat her in this manner?"
"She betrayed me with another man Dis," his voice sounded defeated. So far away from the fury unmatched she witnessed when she entered his forging station. Her brother was a broken man and that scared her, because she had never seen Thorin broken before. Bend maybe, broken never.
"Who found you and spoke with such bleak words about your One my love? How could you ever believe the words of a total stranger?" Dis asked trying to keep her voice calm. The last thing he needed right now is someone else breaking down on him.
"Does it matter who he is? The only thing that's keeping him from hanging outside my walls dead right now is the fact that his wife is also pregnant," he hissed.
"You have more compassion for a woman you don't know, than for the woman that carries your child," she tried.
"That's not my child in her..." his voice fell and she felt the shudders of fury re-igniting in his strong body. Obviously that was the thing that infuriated him the most. She needed to trot with care.
"Calm down," she hurried to get one step ahead of him.
"You don't know everything," he rejoined and pulled away from her. He emptied himself on his stool. His shoulders were slouched and his eyes were downcast. He looked conquered.
"Then tell me," she kneeled in front of him and clasped his thigh, "tell me everything."
It took Thorin several moments to decide if he could do that without going through another tornado of emotions that could end up with him bearing heavier injuries on his body than his scalded palms. He looked down at the bloody trails on his skin and winced at his inability to feel any pain from them. Maybe that was because the pain of his soul was rendering everything else unimportant. Dis patiently counted the moments until he spoke. Looking at all the emotions clearly portrayed on his countenance. Every single one of them she was able to discern. The pain, the desolation, the wrath, the bitterness, the hatred, the love...above all the love. It was still there fuelling all his other emotions, making them spill out of his seams. When he opened his mouth his voice was barely heard, but he did manage to give his sister a detailed description of what happened with Nyrthrasir and what he did afterwards until they reached this accursed day.
"I should have remained in Ered Mithrin fighting filth. I shouldn't have come back. I could have died up there honourably sword in hand, never learning that she betrayed me. I would have died knowing that this woman loved me. I would have died a happy man." His eyes were closed tight and so were his bloody fists.
Dis wiped away the tears from her eyes, "don't speak like that my love please. Don't ever wish for death. No matter what happened."
"You cannot understand how I feel," he gritted his teeth.
She cupped her mouth and closed her eyes, "No I cannot see things through your eyes."
Thorin frowned and his face twisted in agony.
Her fingers curled around his knees, "that doesn't mean I am not here for you wolf. Do you hear me?"
His nod came after a long silent moment and it was barely discernible.
She looked towards his thighs for a long time, her eyes getting lost on the bloody trails on his trousers. On the dirt and the soot that he carried home from the battle at Ered Mithrin. She tried to put things in order in her mind. "So a man you don't know, came and spread grim information about Eilin's past. He told you about their intimacy..."
"Don't do this to me," he spoke over her with a hushed tone. Even hearing his sister speaking the words was killing him anew.
She tightened her grasp on his thigh and her other arm came behind his nape and drew him down. Their foreheads touched, "I am sorry my love, I am trying to understand."
He gritted his teeth and his nails dug into his wounded palms.
"How can we be certain that this man told you the truth? Be reasonable here Thorin. You've ruled the greatest Kingdoms and commanded the biggest armies. You are well known for your equanimity and sharpness of wit. Let's dissect this okay?"
He pushed her back and freed himself of her tight grip. "This man spoke with intimate details about her past and her present Dis. He knew her naked body." His bloodshot eyes opened up finally and fell on her demanding. Their azure colour was almost indiscernible under his dilated iris.
"That's nothing. Someone could have easily seen her bathing naked in the servant hot springs," she waved him off.
"Don't downplay this," his eyes thinned on her in forewarning.
She swallowed a dry throat and nodded, "I am sorry wolf."
He gritted his teeth, "I could have overlooked everything he told me about her. I could have easily believed they were lies, hadn't he given me her baby belt. The one she recognised immediately. He had her baby belt Dis. The one she had supposedly lost in the tavern. It was all a lie from her, but still I could have overlooked even that. I would have tried to move past her betrayal. I would have tried to win her back from him, hadn't it been for her pregnancy. That is something I cannot handle. It overpowers me."
Dis inhaled deeply and got prepared to tread carefully through the obvious dangerous zone. 'Why Thorin?'
He averted his eyes and she saw his jawline trembling with suppressed emotion. 'I cannot have children Dis.' His voice was almost extinguished.
Dis pressed his thigh. 'How do you know with such certainty?'
He turned his back on her then and cupped his face feeling in more pain he had ever been in years. Nothing had ever made him come close to revealing his story with Siv all these years, yet Eilin's heartbreaking betrayal blew the locks of that dreaded secret sky high. 'Remember Siv?'
'Servin's younger sister?
He nodded.
'The beauty of Erebor. We had a great rivalry'. Dis smiled bitterly.
'We were together for two years. Don't ask me what happened, because I am not strong enough to speak about it in the face of this new despair that I feel. During these two years I never managed to get Siv pregnant sister. At first I thought it was the punishment of Vala Aule for not wedding her, but time proved that I am infertile. We both knew it, but we didn't care. Our love was strong enough to sustain through that grim fate.' He turned then and faced the pale face of his sister that was almost ready to collapse under this new revelation.
She moaned and cupped her mouth as her eyes streamed with tears, "you've kept this hell inside you all this time?"
He remained coldly silent.
"Did anybody else know or did you go through all this alone my sweet darling?" she reached up and grasped his other thigh, caressing him firmly. Wanting to show him in some manner that she was there for him to support him as he revealed these painful secrets he'd been keeping hidden for so long.
"No one knew." He pushed her hands away from him. He stood up feeling his body pained and his heart broken into so many pieces he didn't think it would ever become whole again. Siv had taken away half of it with her death and Eilin took the other half with her betrayal. Now he was heartless.
"Why didn't you speak to me?"
"It was not that simple," he shook his head and picked up the iron cauldron that he had thrown into the wall before. He placed it next to the hearth and remained gazing at the fire lost.
"Didn't you trust me enough? I trust you with my life, with my children. Why didn't you trust me enough to reveal this secret?"
"I didn't want to dishonour Siv's name. I didn't marry her," he looked at Dis with such defeated sadness in his eyes that her heart squeezed painfully.
"I am so sorry you had to go through all that and I knew nothing."
He frowned and looked away, unwilling to return back to those days. Not now that he was totally broken. 'I cannot get Eilin pregnant. The man that knew all these intimate details about her life and body did it. The man that gave me her baby belt. The man who got his own wife pregnant. They became intimate right under my roof while I was confessing my love to her' -his voice became steadily colder and angrier as he continued. His sadness was taking the back sit as his fury was returning again with terrifying capacity- 'a love I still have so strong that it's tearing me apart! What is killing me most is this pregnancy. That man gave her the only thing I longed for the most! The gift I couldn't give her. Maybe them meeting again in Erebor was a blessing in disguise for Eilin. With me she would have remained childless. Maybe it was best that things happened this way.'
"Oh dear Mahal...you are killing yourself." Dis looked up at him in pure agony.
"I cannot control the fury in me. It's making me want to harm people. I want to harm him above all. I want to kill him with my bare hands," his teeth gritted and the blood of war woke up in him once more. Even the thought of that man touching Eilin was driving him insane, never-mind knowing that Nyrthrasir's seed had blossomed in her.
'Thorin after what I've heard I can understand why you don't believe her. You have many reasons not to. Can I speak of my thoughts without you going into a frenzy?"
He swallowed a dry throat and looked at the flames, "I don't know," he sounded empty.
Dis nodded and braced herself. "Even though things look grim for Eilin's story right now... I believe her."
He tightened his fists and squeezed his eyes tight trying to stop the boiling wrath from erupting once more.
"Maybe we should take this one step at a time?"
He shook his head as the desolation gnawed on the remains of his torn soul.
'How about the man that talked to you? Maybe we should stir things up with him to see if his story fails somewhere?'
Thorin covered his face and his jawline tensed. "Make sure Eilin is ready to travel and I will provide her with everything she needs about herself and their baby. I don't trust myself around her as I am right now. Send her to the Blue Mountains. I will never return there, but I can ensure she has a proper life in my Halls. I cannot give her more than that, lest I die on the spot, for I am empty'.
'Your words in the midst of your pain are as honourable as I would have expected out of you brother, but I don't think Eilin wants to leave you. She loves you deeply. As for the child in her loins and what you have just told me, I am completely bewildered. I do not know what is happening. I cannot vow that she hasn't betrayed you, yet my heart tells me that she hasn't. All this torture I have seen in her eyes was not being faked. She almost lost her baby today Thorin. A woman that's manipulative and disloyal doesn't fall apart at the seams like that.' Dis said.
His whole body shuddered and he closed his eyes.
"She's in danger," Dis crossed her arms, "and the only one who can save her is you."
He turned then and his face exposed all the suffering he was feeling. 'What will you have me do? Keep her and raise another man's child? I am not that brave. I am barely keeping myself alive as it is,' he rejected her.
'She loves you deeply! No one can convince me of the opposite. Not Nyrthrasir, not her baby belt, neither your supposed infertility. She-loves-you!' Dis frowned feeling traces of anger towards his stubbornness, even though she could understand very well why he had been so easily convinced of her betrayal under the information of his already burdened past.
'Not enough to be loyal to me' -his lips turned down bitterly- "who says a woman's heart cannot be divided in two Dis? Maybe she does love me, but her love was not enough to stop her passion for that man."
"You love her too. Maybe you should put everything aside and talk to her. Your heart will reveal to you what it has revealed to me. That she's not lying about the child or her feelings for you," Dis tried gently to penetrate the shields he had raised.
"I love her deeply enough to send her away instead of killing her alongside of him. Don't ask more of me than I can give!' His voice turned hoarse.
Her hands came around his shoulders and she leaned her forehead to his burning skin. She felt his breath panting onto her face and the muted moans of pain that he was keeping hidden. Her heart broke anew, "I can understand why this caused such a fallout between you, but I still trust in people. I trust in her. Thorin if you had seen her you would have understood that something is not quite right in this story. She was almost dead. Your words, your rejection almost killed this girl and the baby in her loins."
"Her supposed love wasn't enough to keep her from seeding herself by another man," the groan he released shook her body. He pulled away from her. He covered his face with his palms, "enough sister."
Dis nodded and embraced him. "Would you reveal to me this man's name? I wish to talk to him please' she asked gently.
He closed his eyes. 'Nyrthrasir.'
Dis nodded gently. 'I believe Eilin and you are victims of a choleric scheme.'
'Eilin made her choices. She's not a victim in all this, but her unborn child is,' he rebuked.
Dis didn't know what to say. The evidence against Eilin was so overwhelming one could't argue against it easily. Yet something made her believe the young girl's honesty against the mountain of proof that condemned her. She could understand though how impossible it was for Thorin to see it this way. He was blinded, in pain and felt deeply betrayed by the woman he loved. He was not in the right mindset to work through this with a clear mind.
As for Eilin as things were right now she had no choice but to make sure she and her unborn baby was safe. It mattered little to Dis whose the baby it was at this moment. She only cared that this innocent life was not lost in the whirlwind of betrayal and heartlessness of the adult world. With newly found focus she clutched onto him hard enough to knock the air out of his lungs. Then she made him a solemn promise . 'I will make sure Eilin is safe for you and I promise I will find a way to figure out how all this mess happened! When I do I will bring all the proof out to you and then your heart shall smile again my love. You will not be consumed by darkness. I won't allow it! I will figure things out even if it takes my last breath! Do you believe me wolf?'
His eyes looked at her confused for a few seconds and then his gaze faded into a complete void. She was certain he hadn't even heard her promise, so much was he consumed by his inner demons. She looked at his ghostly features and at his empty eyes and that is when her heart cried in anguish for the silent history he had been carrying all these years on his shoulders.
As for her other dominant feeling...that was wrath towards the ones that managed to mess up her brother's already broken heart and Eilin's already fragile existence. Her brother's defences all these years had evolved to be practically impenetrable against any assault, physical or emotional, exactly because of his constant exposure to very hard situations from a very young age. There wasn't a single place anyone could hit him in order to cause pain, but one. The one that was now being targeted. Whoever did this to him knew what they were doing. They shattered his soul in such a devastating manner that she didn't know if he'd be able to come around. It was much easier to see him wounded from a sword, than from an invisible hand that had twisted around his soul in such an ungodly manner.
Someone had evidently discovered the best way to undo Thorin Oakenshield, without even considering that their other target was an already defeated woman who had barely sustained through the savage circumstances of her previous life, or that there was an innocent soul in danger now because of this barbaric game played on the King and his One.
She got possessed by the dire need to lash out to the ones who assaulted her brother and Eilin with the most atrocious manner and cause them equivalent pain, if not death!
What have they done to you?
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