This was requested by @CuriousTheRoleplayer
If you want to contact him instantly, the best way is to go to your nearest Burger King. Order nothing, except for 30 buckets of mayonnaise and a diet water. (They'll give it to you, if you threaten to sue for not allowing it to be your way) If you mix all of the mayonnaise into the diet water, and stir them. A magical vortex will appear, this will take you to the lost civilization known as "The Land of Sexual Offender Man". Once you get there, a munchkin will greet you by performing the traditional Sexual Offender Man greeting: a smack on the ass. Once you get done, ask to see Sexual Offender Man. The munchkins will then take you to the secret lair. But then, you will see the Sexual Offender Man. He wears nothing, except for a lone woman's thong, located on his forehead. Instead of having tentacles on the sides of him (like Slender Man), his tentacles are located where his penis should be. You will sit down next to him, and will engage in a nice conversation about the issues of global warming. Then, you will be asked to leave. You will be given a rainbow dildo on a stick as a souvenir, and if you rub it three times, a transvestite midget genie will pop out.
(I...have no words but hey if you try this please tell me if it works. I don't really even know why mayonnaise is needed but whatever. Please don't kill me if it doesn't work...)