Giving up is the easiest thing you could ever do, but holding it all together when everyone expects you to crumble, that is true strength.
***
By the time I reach home, my nerves are on the edge. Mazak mazak me bhej toh diye applications bade hi josh me par ab darr lag raha hai. Shit!
I hope unhe bhi funny lage. Funny hi toh the vo. Hass ke bhul jaayenge na.
You're talking about Hriday Rajput here. Have you ever seen his lips twitch even a fraction upwards?
Damn!
Ok Avni, tune life me bahot kuch face kiya hai. So this is no big deal. I ring the doorbell and dadaji opens the door.
"Avni hai" he says looking behind at daadi as I enter inside.
"Mai aapke liye cookies laayi hu. Maine khud banaye hai" I say and give dadaji the box as he smiles and opens it.
"Cookies!" Chanchal comes running towards me and hugs my legs.
"Ha khaao na" I say feeding her one.
I see daadi staring at the box. "Daadi aap tension mat lo. Aapko diabetes hai na isliye mai sugar free bhi laayi hu" I say removing the other box from my bag as her eyes light up.
"Tumhe kaise pata" she asks taking the box and opening it.
"Ek baar jab Ekansh aapke liye dawaai le raha tha tab mai uske saath hi thi" I tell her as she takes a bite and smiles in appreciation.
"Aise lag hi nahi raha sugar free hai. Bahot achhe banaa leti ho tum toh cookies" she says.
"Mujhe baking pasand hai. Aapko kuch bhi chahiye ho toh bata dijiye, Mai banaa ke laaungi cafe se" I tell them.
"Bhabhi kal cheesecake laaogi please" Chanchal asks with her mouth full. I wipe off the crumbs on the side of her mouth and say "Done".
Mugdha aunty, Hriday's mom comes into the room and my heart beats become faster. I look down and gulp.
"Chachi dekho, bhabhi cookies laayi hai. Bahot achhe hai, aap loge?" Chanchal asks.
"Chanchal, bahar ka ganda khana khaaogi toh bimaar padd jaaogi" she says.
"Ganda nahi hai Mugdha" daadi tells her kindly as she looks at me with pity.
"Mujhe nahi khaana maa" she says and leaves.
"Mai khelne ja rahi hu" Chanchal announces, stuffing one more cookie in her mouth and leaves.
We three just stand awkwardly in the room not sure what to say or do. The only thing that's going on repeat in my head is that they have the letters.
"Devika ko pasand hai bahot cookies. Tum usse de ke aa jaao baaki ke. Vo jarur khayegi" daadu says and I nod.
I take the box and go upstairs to her room. I knock lightly.
"Come in" she says in an irritated tone.
"Sorry to disturb par daadu ne kaha ke tumhe cooki- tum ro rahi ho?" I gasp.
Her eyes are swollen like she's been crying for a long time.
"Kya hua Devika?" I ask going close to her and she steps away.
"It's none of your business. Kya kaam tha vo bataao aur jaao" she says looking away.
"You can talk to me if you want" I try again.
"No I don't want to talk to you! In fact you're the last person I want to talk to" she shouts as her phone starts ringing.
I see the caller ID as 'bae' with a heart emoji. Bae kya hota hai? Chal bey jaa bey wala bey?
She groans and receives it as her eyes fill with tears.
"Why are you torturing me like this?" Her grip on the phone tightens.
Torture?
Then her eyes fall on me. "Will you just get out!" She yells putting her hand on the mic of her phone. I keep the box on her bed and leave her room.
Who is torturing her? Should I tell someone in the house about it? But mujhe khud hi nahi pata kuch. Aur aaj kal ke teenagers aise hi pareshaan rehte hai. Kisi aur ko bata ke problem aur na badh jaaye. I'll try talking to her later again.
I go to Hriday's room and sit down on his bed and then get up quickly like my ass is on fire.
His bed.
It just felt weird even sitting there like it's some forbidden territory. I take a bath and read the letter a few more times to see if I've missed anything. Each time I learn something more and get more confused.
"Avni madam-"
"Sirf Avni bulaaiye Aashish kaka. Aap mujhse bahot bade ho" I say looking at him after he knocks the door.
He smiles. "Aapko neeche khaane ke liye bulaya hai" he informs me and leaves. I look at the clock. It's 8.45.
Ye toh ab tak aaye nahi. Oh shit, kahi aa toh nahi gaye aur upar nahi aaye. Neeche sab ke saamne mujhe sunaayenge kya?
My hands become clammy and I wipe them on my kurti. I go downstairs and see that he's nowhere to be seen. Nahi aaye ab tak shayad..
"Daadi vo.. ye.. ye ab tak aaye nahi?" I say awkwardly.
Will I ever be able to acknowledge him as my husband without feeling weird and out of place?
She frowns and then a smile etches on her face in understanding. "Tumhare ye kabhi 10 baje se pehle ghar aaye hi nahi hai" she chuckles. "Chalo baitho khaane, Hriday hamesha akele hi khaata hai khana ghar aake. Usse pasand nahi koi agar uska intezaar kare" she says.
Akele khaate hai?
For as long as I remember, mai bhi raat ka khana hamesha akele khayi hu without company. Din ke khatam hone pe raat ka dinner akele khana is seriously worse than you think. I know the feeling when you come home tired, serve the food for yourself, eat it alone and that's the way the day ends. Alone. It's not a good feeling. I never liked eating alone. I don't think anybody does.
"Mai inke liye rukti hu" I tell her.
"Nahi beta, humare ghar me aisa kuch nahi hai ke bina pati ke khaaye patni nahi kha sakti" she says putting her small hand on my cheek.
I smile and hold her hand. "Mai khud se rukna chahti hu daadi" I tell her and she smiles.
"Jaise tumhe thik lage" she says and I go back to my room.
I am really feeling sleepy now. Neend puri hui hi nahi hai. I wait and wait and wait..
***
"SHRAVNI!" I jump off the couch and shriek in horror.
Kab aankh lag gayi pata hi nahi chala. I see a fuming Hriday towering me and all the sleep vanishes in an instant.
"Aa gaye aap? Aapke liye khana garam kar deti hu" I smile sweetly as my heartbeat sky-rockets.
I try to walk away but he harshly grabs me by my arm and pulls me back in place. I gasp and look at his hand on my arm as heat spreads to my whole arm from where he is touching me.
He looks at my shocked face and frowns. I look down at my hand and then at him, giving him an indication. He, too, looks down at my hand where his hand is and then at me.
Ab jaise movies me dikhate hai, ye fataak se mera haath chhodenge.
That's when I realise I don't know shit about him.
He instead puts more pressure on my hand and pulls me towards him. "What. The. Fuck. Is. This." He shoves the application papers in my face.
I catch them and laugh awkwardly. He doesn't.
I clear my throat. "Aapko bhuk lagi hogi na?" I decide to play innocent.
He doesn't find it funny and looks at me with a face more emotionless than Katrina Kaif.
"Ok fine. Mujhe bass meri job nahi chhodni thi isliye I did it" I say and place my other hand on his to open his fingers.
He is not ready to loosen them. Argh!
"Thank fuck ke maine pehle ye padh liye proof reading ke liye! Agar ye letters aage jaate toh meri itni insult hoti na -"
"Unhe hassi aati" I mutter under my breath.
"Hassi? How the fuck-"
"Stop saying the f word!"
"Stop talking when I'm talking!"
"It's just a joke! Stop overreacting!" I say trying to keep my voice under control.
"Joke? Joke? I'll read this shit again and see where I can laugh" he snatches the paper from my hand.
"Name : Avni Desai Rajput. Okay. Sex : female. Desired position : Company's president or vice president. Desired salary - Rs. 3 lakh monthly. Seriously?" He looks at me angrily.
"They asked me my desired position and salary. That's what I desire so that's what I wrote!" I shrug.
"Education : yes" he looks at me like he always does. Like I'm unbelievable. "Education ke baju me tumne yes likha? Yes?"
"Yes" I say.
"Shravni!"
"Avniiiiii" I correct him.
"Ye lo, ek kaam karo tum hi aage padho and let's see if I laugh". He shoves the paper at my face.
"Hmm".
"Padho!" He orders.
"Last position held : cha.. char"
"Charas gaanja dealer" he says the answer that I wrote glaring at me like he wants to kill me.
"Nahi! Charas gaanja supplier" I correct him in hopes that he'll laugh. He doesn't. Instead he clenches his jaw in frustration. He nods at the paper for me to continue reading.
"Most notable achievement : Amitabh Bachchan ji ka autograph" I read.
"That is my achievement. Kitni bheed thi waha aap soch bhi nahi sakte. Jaan se khel kar vo crowd me ghuss ke maine autograph liya tha. Unka ek bodyguard toh itna khatarnaak tha. Amrish Puri jaisa dikh raha tha" I tell him.
He doesn't appreciate my bravery.
"Reason for leaving : bataaungi toh aap ro padenge. Toh rehne dijiye" I read ahead and look at him through my lashes.
I seriously thought this was funny. He on the other hand doesn't move a muscle on his face.
"Preferred hours : 12:30 to 2:30 only on Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays. May we contact your current employer : Nahi unhe bura lagega".
Hriday purses his lips.
"Personal attributes - Horse-like laugh, can dance like Madhuri Dixit. I'm good for office morale - when someone cries, I can be sympathetic and shit" I read and fold the paper.
That was it. Wasn't it funny?
"Last line reh gayi. Sign here ke side me jo tumne likha" he reminds me. "Kya likha tumne?"
"Sigh hi toh ki" I say faking a smile.
"Achha?"
"Hmm"
"Bataao na kya likha tumne" he asks again.
"Aquarius" I whisper and look down at my feet.
He doesn't say anything for a long long time and I just look at my feet. I see that he's still holding my hand and I again try to remove his hand and he finally drops it.
When I look up I see that his lips have lifted up a millimetre. Have they?
But then he's back to glaring at me so I think it was just my imagination. I'm hungry and sleep deprived and now I'm seeing things.
My stomach growls loudly in a really embarrassing way and he steps back. I run downstairs and once I'm in the kitchen take long breaths. Shit shit shit!
I reheat the food and take it to the dining table. He comes downstairs and I see that he's changed into sweatpants and a t-shirt.
I sit in front of him and when I'm about to serve him, he takes the spoon from my hand and does it himself.
"Kal se rukna mat mere liye. Am I making myself clear here?" He asks.
"Hmm"
"Yes or no?"
"Mujhe tab bhuk nahi lagi thi. Ab lagi hai. Jab bhuk lagti hai tab hi khaati hu mai. Toh guarantee nahi de sakti. Aapke aane ke baad hi bhuk lagi toh khaau nahi mai?" I ask
Ye sahi hai. Ispe vo kuch ultaa bhi nahi bol sakte.
"Achha?"
"Ha" I say placing a roti in my plate.
"If you think that it was funny, you are wrong. Aage se mujhe ye sab faaltugiri bilkul nahi chahiye samjhi" he scolds me referring to the application and I nod meekly.
My appetite is suddenly gone.
"Pata nahi Ekansh tumhe kaise jhelta tha. Aur upar se tumhare jaisi ladki ke liye usne jaan bhi di" he says in disgust as my eyes fill with tears at his harsh words.
"And you're always crying like a weak piece of shit. Kaha se mere gale padd gayi tum kya pata" he murmurs the last sentence to himself but I hear it. And it hurts.
I get up. "Khana waste mat karo bilkul. Paise lagte hai iske" he says when I walk towards the bin. I throw it anyway as my eyes burn with unshed tears.
"SHRAVNI!" he shouts when I start to run upstairs. I ignore him and go inside his room, my nails digging into my palms. I rush to the bathroom and lock myself in and that's when I finally let the tears flow.
And you're always crying like a weak piece of shit. Kaha se mere gale padd gayi tum kya pata.
That's what I'm doing right now. Crying like a weak piece of shit. I wipe away my tears and splash water over my face. I don't want to see his face again. So I just change into my night wear and sleep on the floor.
I'm too exhausted right now I'm pulled into a restless sleep right away.
I feel someone touching my hand lightly and I gasp awake. The harsh light makes me squint my eyes and I blink a few times before my eyes adjust to the light and I see a shocked looking Hriday sitting on the floor beside me.
"Kya hua?" I ask rubbing my eyes. "Aap kya kar rahe ho?"
He scratches the back of his neck awkwardly. "Kuch nahi. You are such a light sleeper. Kyu uthi tum" he scolds me like it's my fault.
"Aapne uthaya mujhe!"
He takes my hand and shows me my palm. I see the scars there that have always been there for as long as I remember. I have the habit of digging my nails into my palms when I feel helpless or angry.
I quickly pull back my hand and hide it behind my back in embarrassment.
"I saw a little blood so.." he lets the incomplete sentence hang in the air heavily and my eyes fall on the first aid box in his hands.
What kind of mood swings does this man have? Seriously?
He looks so embarrassed. And I hate to say that he looks cute. I shouldn't think about him like that. I internally slap myself and look away.
"It's fine" I say not knowing what else would be the right thing to say right now.
"Ye sab mat kiya karo. Mera matlab hai ki ye sab.. sahi nahi hota" he says looking everywhere but at me.
"Why do you care?" The words are out before I know it.
He gets up as soon as those words leave my mouth. "I don't! Ekansh ke wajah se pucha maine" he says.
"Mai khud ka dhyaan rakh sakti hu" I inform him.
"Dikh raha hai vo mujhe. Tumhe psychotherapist ka number chahiye toh bata do mujhe" he says getting in bed.
"Mai pagal nahi hu" I shout and throw a pillow at him which he catches before it hits his face.
"Ha. Pagal log tumse better hote hai. Tum kuch aur hi ho" he says and throws the pillow at me which hits smack on my face.
"Aap-"
"So jaao chup chap. Mujhe kal jaldi uthna hai and unlike you I do actual work there" he says pressing the button on his remote and the lights go off.
I sit there in the dark with my mouth hanging open in disbelief.
What the hell was all that?
***
Love Hriday or hate him? Also, did you think Shravni's application form was funny? I loved writing this chapter. Hope you guys liked reading it too.. ily :)