Quick question, please read and respond before continuing!
If I made a new book that was all my creation (well, mainly, because at this point what hasn't been done before?) would you guys read it?
I of course will finish this one and do a third for season 3 but I also want to try writing something that isn't basically a rewrite of someone else's with added bits and aspects of my creation.
Please let me know!
Happy Reading lovelies xxx
•••
"Absolutely not" Magnus refuses, Clary and Simon following him into the living room of his apartment where I sat on the fire escape, hidden from view.
I hadn't wanted to be around anyone after the attack, not even Alec. But I also hadn't wanted to be alone either so I'd gone straight to Magnus' place, hiding myself in shadows on the fire escape.
I hadn't made a move to reveal myself yet and I wasn't sure if I was ever going to but the fact that he was right there, available if I needed him, made me feel a little better.
I didn't know what Clary's mission was or why she was even here but the look on Magnus' slightly terrified face made me think it wasn't good. At all.
"Is it possible?" Clary pushes, "Magnus, tell me, can it be done? Yes or no?"
"Sure, there are warlocks who've done this sort of thing but what you're talking about is dark, dark magic. It's wildly unpredictable" Magnus warns
Oh for the love of all that is good and holy...what was she doing now?
"Have you ever done it before?" Simon questions
"No" Magnus gapes, "And don't encourage this! Biscuit...I know know important she was to you. I'm sorry."
"She was my mom. If you were me, if we were talking about your mom-"
"I wouldn't bring her back" Magnus cuts her off sharply
Bring her back?
That's possible?
I freeze in shock, my mind running itself in crazed circles.
On the one hand, it would kind of solve all my problems. Mom would be back, I wouldn't be a murderer, I wouldn't have been the daughter who was so angry with her mother that a demon used that anger to turn me on my mother, made me kill her.
But on the other...Magnus was right, this kind of stuff was dangerous.
"I don't understand"
"I was nine years old when my mother realised what my cat eyes meant" Magnus sighs, "She couldn't live with the fact that she bore the son of a demon. So she took her life. With this very keris."
Magnus gestures to an old, rusted-looking knife that had a wavy blade.
"I'm so sorry" Clary apologises, "I didn't know."
Neither had I and Magnus had told me a lot, even so much as his past romance with Camille...vampire Camille, that is.
"It was a long time ago" Magnus dismisses, "And over time it...it got easier. Never easy, but easier. Your mother was a special woman. She only wanted to protect you at all costs. So much so that she had me remove your memories and...curse your sister."
I flinch at the words, the mention of my curse was still a harrowing thought for me. Had it not been for Valentine's even worse parenting...I would have been a psychotic sleeper for the rest of my life.
Funnily enough, I hadn't even needed a sleeper curse to become a murderer.
Losing my mother hadn't been easy. Being the one to kill her had been even harder but I knew it was even harder for Clary because she'd had to be the bigger person, the adult, and forgive me for killing the woman who'd raised us, whom she'd loved so much.
But I knew the forgiveness was a courtesy, not a choice and some part of her will forever hate me for my part in her death.
"Losing your mom...it's not something you make better with magic" Magnus says, "You just head straight into it and cry your eyes out."
With those final words of wisdom, Clary appears to have come to her senses and leaves the room quickly...a little too quickly with Simon following close behind and I knew she hadn't given up, she'd find another way.
She always does.
"You can come out now, Buttercup" Magnus pity-filled voice rings through the room and I start slightly
"I don't want to" I whisper so low that I don't believe he heard me but the door to the fire escape opens and Magnus emerges through it, leaning against the wall, martini in hand
"Hey" I speak softly
"Hey" Magnus responds, smiling gingerly, "You okay?"
"I can't be in that Institute."
"Oh, Camille..."
"I heard you turned her in" I interrupt, changing the subject, "The other Camille, I mean. How'd that go?"
"Honestly?" Magnus ponders, allowing the change in conversation, "It was awful. We had a lot of history, she and I, as you quite well know...I know that must sound weird."
"It doesn't" I shake my head, "But, hey, at least you traded one Camille for another. Albeit, she's a murderer and creepy psycho-angel-shadowhunter hybrid but...You know what, vampire Camille is probably a better bet, maybe you should contact the Clave about that."
"Buttercup, don't call yourself a murderer" Magnus sighs, shaking his head, "You did not kill your mother. A vicious demon did."
"Sure as hell feels like I did it" I mutter, rubbing circles over the shallow cuts and sores covering my hands and arms
"Too busy to use the healing rune?" Magnus questions, noticing my gestures.
I had taken what must have been at least 70 showers and twice as many times washing my hands since the night of my mother's death, trying to rid myself of every piece of my mother's lingering blood but I still felt like I could feel it.
The stress of water, friction and heavy, cleansing soaps had made my skin raw and blistered but I'd not bothered to use the healing rune.
I didn't deserve to escape the pain.
"I'm fine, Magnus" I sigh
"No, Camille, you're not" Magnus disagrees, "You're hurting. You're hoping the pain in your hand will lessen the pain in your heart. I wish it could be that simple."
"I let a demon in, Mags"
"That wasn't your fault."
"Magnus, I can still feel, still smell her blood on my hands. My mother's blood" I shout, "I have taken so many showers, washed my hands so many times but the smell never goes away."
"Why haven't you told Alec about this, talked to him? You know he would be there for you."
"I don't know what to say to Clary, to Jace..." I exclaim, skipping over the question about Alec and hoping he would let it go, "I can't even look them in the eye. Jace never had the chance to know his mother when he was young and now he never will. He won't even have the opportunity because of me. I can't face them."
"But you will face them." Magnus asserts, grabbing my hands in his, squeezing them comforting my. "Because that is what you do, Camille. It may take you a second, but I've seen it up close. I watched you refuse to get between Alec and his wedding until the very last second. You'll blow up the very ground you stand on to make something right."
What he was saying made sense and it motivated me, prompted me into the first spark of somewhat-hope that I'd had in days and I knew...
I had to face my sister.
***
It took me a few minutes to gather up enough courage to knock on Clary's bedroom door. My mother's death had been hardest on her of the three of my mother's children. She was the baby of the family and she'd loved our mother completely, even knowing the things she'd done.
Jace, who'd barely know her and believed her to have abandoned him, thought of him as a demon, and me, who had been curse by her for the sake of Clary, were a different story.
When no answer came, I looked behind me towards Alec, whom I'd brought with me for moral support, who nodded silently, taking hold of my hand tightly, stroking his thumb along the back of my hand comfortingly.
'It'll be okay' he mouths, smiling softly.
And so, without waiting for an invitation, I open the door, my entire body shaking with unbearable nerves.
"Hi" I exhales and I grimace watching Clary's reaction. Stony, uncaring...she even looked bored, "Look, I, uh..."
"Please don't" Clary cuts me off harshly
"Clary, I am so sorry" I rush, the words expelling out of him in one breath, "I would do anything, I mean anything, to take back those 30 seconds. To get-to get mom back, I..."
"Cami..." Clary speaks up, suddenly reasonable and soft-voiced. I frown suspiciously but hope breeds in my chest, her tone had the lilt of someone who'd just been struck with an idea, "Maybe we can get her back."
"What?" I gasp. I was semi-shocked. Magnus had discussed this with her before, I'd heard it but he told her it was too dangerous.
I knew she hadn't let it go.
But I'm going to help her in any way I can.
"I second that statement" Alec's voice chimes in and I feel myself both relax and freeze at the sound of his voice, "Screwing with dark magic and raising the dead is dangerous stuff, Clary. This is not a good idea."
The words he said made complete sense.
This is an epically bad idea but I'd already made up my mind come to do anything I possibly could to help her because the guilt was just too much, too crushing, too painful.
If I didn't do something it was going to swallow me whole.
"I found a warlock who claims she can do it." Clary proceeds, "But...there are risks."
"Damn straight there are risks!" Alec protests, "Clary, this is incredibly dangerous and, look, I'm so so sorry about your mother, I really am but this is not the way to-"
"I'll help you" I interrupt without skipping a beat, "Clary, I told you, if there's any chance that we can get mom back, we have to take it."
"Excuse me?" Alec gapes and, hesitantly, I turn to face him.
"I can't live with the fact that I was the one who took her away from Clary, from Jace. I just can't Alec. I can't" I plead and I watch his face soften, his eyes losing some of that steely resolve. I turn back to Clary, "No matter what happens, I'll be there."
Clary excepts my pledge of allegiance immediately but Alec is still hesitant
"I don't think this is a good idea" He warns, "This is stupid and it'll most likely end badly but it's because of that...that I can't let you do it alone. I'm in too."
I stay silent, wanting to protest but too exhausted to actually do it and Clary nods in acceptance. I feel the warm skin of Alec's hand slip into mine but I pull away harshly, suddenly having a change of heart after craving such close contact with him mere minutes ago.
He grabs my hand again without a seconds pause, as if I hadn't just swatted his hand away like an annoying fly, but holds tighter this time.
When I go to pull away again, I catch the hurt and sorrow in his eyes and lose my resolve and instead leave my limp hand in his.
I was causing enough pain - no need to add to it.