Hello there guys. Hope you enjoy this (late) update. I have a psych exam tomorrow and I'm going to fail for certain. anyway, enjoy your night/day!
"Should I just text him? It's been six days, Nola." I stare at my laptop as I tap my foot impatiently. It's Friday night and I was hoping Cam and I could've made enough progress this week to potentially hang out tonight. But by the looks of it, I won't be hearing from him for a while.
"I know it's been six days. Yesterday was five; the day before was four," my sister announces vexedly. "He said he needs space. He clearly needs time, too. He'll text you when he's ready."
"But what if he forgot?" I propose the idea once again.
"He didn't forget," Nola assures me quietly.
"Do you think he just doesn't want to talk to me anymore?" I roll my pencil around on my desk with my free hand.
"Honestly, I don't know," my sister answers and I let out a defeated sigh. "I think you should just go out with your friends tonight and try to have fun. You reached out to him and made your feelings known. The ball is in his court now. No one can say you didn't try."
"I think I'm going to just stay in..." I trail as I stare at my pile of textbooks. I may or may not have been neglecting my studies in hopes of meeting up with Cam. "I have a lot of homework."
"Okay, well, don't beat yourself up," my sister pleads before hanging up. I decide to get started on my assignments, seeing as there's more than enough to occupy me for the rest of the weekend. My friends both pop in my room and ask about my plans for the night. Mel's staying in but Gen is going out. I was invited to watch movies in the living room but hurriedly passed on those plans. The last thing I want to do is be forced into a rom-com marathon with my softy friend, who will definitely cry, which will make me cry. I don't want to cry again.
After forcing my way through several different forms of science homework, I decide to call it a night after four long hours of playing catch up. I crawl into bed at midnight and turn my attention to my phone. Just as I expected, there's not a single text from Cameron. I respond to Gen and my sisters before turning to social media for a laugh or two before attempting to sleep. Twenty minutes later, I put my phone down only to pick it up a moment later when it vibrates across my bed. I stare at the screen and feel my heartbeat start to race
Cam: Want to go for a drive?
Normally, I'd wait at least five minutes to reply to avoid looking desperate but I practically rip my phone from the charger and send back a response.
Felicity: Yes.
Cam: I'm outside when you're ready.
I throw myself out of bed, nearly slamming my face into my table as I do. I don't even bother changing out of my sweatpants; he's seen me in worse. After fixing my hair and pulling on my shoes, I hightail it out of the house. As I reach the porch, I attempt to calm myself down. The last thing I want to do is overwhelm him with how eager I am. In an attempt to look casual, I shuffle through my keys and slowly lock the front door behind me. Then, I jog down the steps and over to his car.
Once I'm buckled in, he starts off down the street. I rack my brain for something to say. "How are you?" I ask him and he just sighs noisily in response. I decide to leave conversation up to him but he doesn't say anything else. Instead, he keeps driving in a way that makes me feel as though he has a destination in mind. The ride is silent and I keep my eyes on the trees surrounding the road. Soon enough, we reach a main street and he turns into a Dunkin Donuts drive-thru. Once his order is delivered to him, he parks the car and turns on the light.
What was the point of picking me up if he wasn't going to talk? I really don't mind being in his presence but it feels like he doesn't want me here. I watch him pull a glazed donut from the bag and hand it to me, which genuinely takes me by surprise. Not only does he remember the kind I like but he went out of his way to get it for me. "Thanks," I mumble as I take the treat in my hands. He only sighs in reply.
"I know I said I'd text you..." he trails and it's clear that this is difficult for him to say.
"You can take as long as you need. I'll be here," I guarantee him when it doesn't seem like he's going to finish his sentence.
"Felicity," he exhales and I can tell this isn't going to be a lighthearted conversation. "I spent these last few weeks asking myself the same questions. Why did you leave? What did I do wrong? Could I have avoided it? Did you even care about me at all? Or were you pretending?"
I was wrong for thinking that my heart couldn't break anymore. I part my lips, hoping that the right thing will find its way out of them but it doesn't. Instead, I'm left grasping at straws as I think of a way to comfort him while also providing him with a decent explanation. Except, there isn't one.
"I left because I didn't want to hurt you, which was counterintuitive, wasn't it?" I stumble over my words a bit before deciding to just go for it, "I...liked you. Like you. A lot. It scared me and it still does. At the time, I was scared of commitment. I didn't want to keep stringing you along if I didn't know what I wanted. My original plan was to go to your house and propose we take a break but it didn't work out that way, obviously. Then I was too scared to reach out after I left and I figured it was for the best. It wasn't you. It wasn't your fault at all, I promise."
"You could've just talked to me..." he trails as he stares at his uneaten donut. "I didn't expect you to be ready to jump into a relationship with me. I knew you weren't ready for one. I was willing to wait."
"I know, Cam, I know. I just thought you deserved more. I still think you do. You deserve the world and I couldn't give it to you so I felt like you should've been with a girl that could."
"Well, I wasn't asking for the world. I was just asking for you."
"I know that now. I realized it. I wish I could go back and undo what I did," I tell him quietly. "And I don't expect us to fall back into what we were before. I understand if you're not ready...if you don't trust me...if you just don't want to. If you want to be just friends, I can do that. I just want you in my life and I'll take you in whatever way you decide to exist."
"I want to try but you hurt me," he confesses, "a lot. How do I know you won't do it again?"
"I promise you I won't hurt you," I insist with a sense of urgency in my voice. "I'll show you that I won't hurt you. You spent so much time pursuing me. Now it's my turn to pursue you."
He chuckles quietly as he lifts up his donut. "You'd be bad at that," he responds before taking a bite.
"I can bring you food to work and I'll give you massages. I can buy you coffee in the mornings," I start to list things that I know he'd like. "I'll make playlists specially for you and I'll cook you dinner. I'll take you on dates and text you long paragraphs to wake up to."
After giving me a long glance, he offers me a slow nod. "I'm going to try..." he announces, "but I can't promise that it'll go back to how it was."
"All I can ask is that you try," I mutter as I roll my hands around. "You can control the pace of everything. I won't bombard you with texts and calls and I won't hug you or anything."
"I didn't mean to be so...awkward the other day," he admits shyly. "I was just caught off guard. You were never much of an affectionate person anyway...unless you were trying to get in my pants."
It doesn't register with me that it's a joke until he gives me a small, semi-forced smile. "Shut up, Cam, I didn't want to sleep with you to begin with," I respond and he laughs again.
"Sure, Felicity," he responds and I crane my neck in his direction.
"Can you start calling me Flizzy again or do I have to earn that back?" I wonder and the smile that spreads across his face seems more genuine.
"Sorry," he replies teasingly, "Flizzy."
"Don't apologize to me for anything..." I mutter quietly before attempting to lighten up the conversation. "So...what have you been doing for the last month?"
"Sleeping," he admits with a brief shrug, "a lot. I slept through almost every weekend after work. Literally, the only time I left the house was to drop Axel and Ash off at that party where you ran away from me. And then at Cuppa that one time. No offense, but I really didn't want to see you so I just stopped leaving the house altogether."
"That...makes me feel like shit," I nod at him and he shrugs. It's a well-deserved feeling, of course.
"Well, I'm out of the house now and I'm here with you so..." he trails. "What about you? How'd you spend your month vacation from me?"
"Curled up in a ball of blankets watching Netflix," I answer honestly. "I tried to go out a few times but I ended up back home within a half hour."
"Did you hang out with..." he starts before shaking his head, "never mind."
"Who?" I blurt in slight confusion. I think about everyone in my life that he knows about. Mel and Gen are givens. My sisters. "Rex and Danny?" As soon as the first syllable leaves my lips, he starts shaking his head back and forth in a strong motion.
"I don't want to know," he makes it a point to insist.
"I haven't talked to them in months...or anyone, for that matter," I tell him honestly. I purse my lips awkwardly as I contemplate asking him. I think the answer is 'no' but I could be wrong. "Have you..."
He laughs abruptly. "I haven't had sex in over a year, Flizzy," he admits simply.
"I figured I'd ask," I say in a bout of relief. "Don't you have to work in the morning?"
"Uh no, I'm actually going home," he explains and my eyebrows rise.
"For what? Is everything okay?" I question him.
"Yeah, its just my dads' anniversary," he admits as he thrums his fingers across the steering wheel, "I offered to babysit."
"Do they know?" I quickly question him. He gives me a confused look before the meaning behind my question registers with him.
"No, they asked how you were over Thanksgiving break though. I just said you were fine," he vaguely reiterates the conversation. "They said they wanted to meet you and I just laughed it off."
"I'll meet them," I exclaim before clearing my throat, "you know...when you're ready...if you're ever ready...if you want me to."
"Can I meet your family?" he retorts as if that's supposed to change my mind.
"Yeah," I confirm with a fervent bounce of my head. "Nola knows about you."
"About what happened?" he wonders and I bob my head again.
"She yelled at me," I confess, "and then ignored me for two weeks. So did Gen and Mel. Rightfully so."
"The guys told me about that. I tried to pass on the message that they should talk to you. I guess it didn't get on," he mutters and I chuckle quietly.
"I guess not."
We talk for a little while longer before we both start yawning uncontrollably. The drive back is silent and I feel a sense of contentment in my chest at the fact that we just managed to have an actual conversation without awkward silences or breaks. We slow to a stop at my apartment and he looks at me.
"I'll see you," I say as I take off my seatbelt and move to open the door. I suddenly stop and turn around. "Or will I? Are we going to hang out at all? We never talked about that." There is a silence where he only stares at me with his large, innocent brown eyes. "If you want to, you know, no pressure."
"When I get back, we'll hang out," he assures me and I slowly nod and try to fight the smile that's threatening to break through.
"And are we texting regularly...or are you not comfortable with that yet?" I push my luck hesitantly.
"Yes, we can text," he confirms with a slow nod. He's looking at me as if I'm crazy.
"Okay, just checking," I tell him. "Drive safe. Text me when you get home."
I approach the front door and hurriedly unlock it. Before I go inside, I turn and wave at him, to which he replies with a brief honk. I try not to think about how any of my light-sleeping neighbors may feel about that loud noise at two in the morning. I smile as I unlock the door to the apartment, where I'm greeted by Gen and Mel.
"Where'd you go?" they ask simultaneously. I lock the door behind me and shrug.
"I was just...hanging out," I respond as I attempt to pass them to get to my room. They don't allow it so I sigh and prepare for the interrogation that's to come.
"With who?" Mel presses for details.
"Cam," I answer after a long pause. Both of their brows raise in pure surprise and genuine disbelief.
"Seriously?" Gen remarks with wide eyes.
"When did you guys start talking again? What happened?" Mel follows up, to which I'm too tired to explain. Instead, I shove my hands in my sweatpants pockets and bounce on the balls of my feet.
"I went to a party last weekend and I called him. He picked me up and spent the night here. It's been developing..." I explain briefly.
"So are you guys...back?" Mel asks with a hesitant but hopeful smile. This is the question I dreaded hearing because now I'm constantly going to get asked about the state of our relationship.
"No," I answer in short, "not yet. He needs time."
"At least you guys are talking again..." Gen trails with a half smile and I nod and look over her shoulder.
"Yeah, well, I'm going to do it right this time," I explain before slipping around them. "Night."