I kept my head down and tugged my bag further onto my shoulder.
So close now. It had been a week and half since I'd seen my family, but I was so close to seeing them now.
I just had to make it through the airport without incident.
Everything about John F. Kennedy airport in New York City was familiar, which was a strange thing to realize whilst walking through it. But I'd spent so much time here over the course of my life—way more than most people—and even more after I'd met Mads.
JFK was always a welcome sight after I'd met Mads.
But I wasn't really looking around as I headed for the exit of this particular terminal. I was just trying to get there without being recognized.
We'd finished filming yesterday at about two in the afternoon. And it was... it was an indescribable feeling to be done. To reach the end of four months' worth of work, and feel that sense of accomplishment. That sense of relief.
It was over. Done. The thing that had challenged me professionally, and caused Mads and I so much strife these last four months had finally come to an end. And between feeling relieved to have finished, and excited that it also meant I'd get to see my family again, I felt pretty good about it. Proud, even, of what I'd achieved during the filming of this particular movie.
I felt like I'd grown as an actor. Which didn't necessarily mean I was looking forward to seeing myself on screen again, but it did mean that I'd had a great time working on the film despite its challenges, and that I felt like I'd learned a lot, despite everything that had happened at home.
Home.
Mads and Lila were doing well as far as I could tell from our daily phone calls. And though we'd talked every day, Mads and I hadn't really had a full-length discussion about everything yet—I think we'd both independently agreed we wanted to wait until we were together again to discuss things at length. But I did know that she'd been to see her therapist, her gynecologist, and that she'd seen her psychiatrist again, too.
All of which was good. Great, really. And I could tell that being home with her family was doing wonders for her. She smiled so easily now, and as much as it was a relief to see that smile again, it made me think about just how long it had been since I'd seen it.
Her real smile—the effortless one that brightened her entire face. Her entire being.
Not the one she'd been wearing these last few months—the one that touched her lips and nothing more.
Guilt threatened to overcome me each time I saw it, each time all of those things went through my mind—but it was over now. The film was over now, and I didn't have any projects set in stone for the immediate future. I figured we'd stay in New York for a good long while now. Be a family the way we were supposed to—at least until Mads was feeling better. At least until she'd gotten through the bulk of the work she needed to do to get better again.
My phone dinged from my pocket, which I was glad for because my service hadn't returned right away when I landed. Which meant that I hadn't been able to text anyone that I'd made it here safely.
When I slid it from my pocket, I smiled to see Madelyn's reply to my text from hours ago.
It consisted of three of the "mind-blown" emojis, which made me chuckle. It was the perfect response to my earlier text.
I'd grabbed myself a Snapple while I was waiting to board my plane at LAX. So, of course, I had to send her the Snapple fact: Nowhere in the Humpty Dumpty nursery rhyme does it say that Humpty Dumpty is an egg.
I knew she'd like that one. I'd found myself looking it up to see if it was true after I read it, and found that it is, in fact. Which blew my mind, too.
She'd sent another text just beneath the emojis: Love you, have a safe flight! Can't wait to see you!!!!!
Still no indication of who I was supposed to meet at baggage claim today.
Mads had sighed on the phone last night. I'd called her once I'd gotten through security, and she'd answered even though it was well past midnight for her. "I'll just cancel it, Harry. It's not a big deal."
"No, I don't want you to do that," I'd said, trying hard not to meet anyone's eye while walking to my gate for fear that they'd recognize me. "I'll just call for a car."
Mads was upset because she'd realized that she had a therapy appointment scheduled to start twenty minutes after I landed, which meant she wouldn't be able to come to the airport to pick me up.
She clicked her tongue. "Are you sure? I can just call and reschedule—"
"I'd rather you didn't," I said, realizing in the moment that she might take offense and hoping that she wouldn't. "You've only just started up again. I'll be happier if you go. We'll see each other as soon as you're home."
When she spoke next, I could tell I'd won. "Fine. But don't call for a car. I'll have someone come get you. I think Mom has to work, but I can probably get Emily or Mark or someone to come."
"Deal," I'd said, glad that it was settled. "Just let me know who to look for."
"Of course," she'd said then, her voice changing a bit—because she was smiling. "You have no idea how excited I am to see you."
It was a strange mix of emotions, hearing her say that, then ending the call soon afterwards with exchanges of love and eager anticipation. I was pretty sure I did have a clue how excited she was. Little did she know that I'd had to fight the urge to drop everything and get on a flight ever since the day she left. Because our house—without her, without Lila—I didn't want to live there. Even though things had gotten bad between us. Even though she'd needed to leave, to be with her family again, to have more support than I could give her... Even knowing all that, I'd never wanted her to go.
And coming home to that empty house day after day, even if it was only for a week and half—it reminded me too much of another time in my life. A time when Mads wasn't there. When it was just me, missing her, thinking about everything I'd done wrong, everything I'd done to push her away, even if I hadn't realized I was doing it.
I couldn't help but do the same thing this time.
I'd spent the last ten days sitting in our empty house, looking at all of our pictures together, and it was like I could hear her humming as she walked through it—the creak of her steps, the distant sounds of her exclamations when Lila did something that made her laugh or get excited. I would imagine her standing at the kitchen sink, her dark hair falling to one side, giving me a shy smile when she looked up and caught me staring. Or leaning against the doorjamb to Lila's room, her feet bare, her legs long, her smile soft as she watched me sing our daughter to sleep. I almost couldn't sleep in our room because of all the memories of her. She was everywhere—standing at her dresser, tying her hair up in front of the mirror, sifting through her closet, walking to the bathroom, padding to the bed, sighing as she settled beside me under the sheets—but she was nowhere.
And neither was Lila. That little, warm presence that I'd grown so used to these last six months—the first six months of her life. That little expressive face I'd come to look forward to seeing every morning, even the earliest ones. Her little personality, which was clearly becoming a big personality with each passing day. I would picture her in her high chair, mouth covered with green or orange or yellowish baby food, smacking her lips away trying to get it all down. Or asleep in her swing, her tiny pink lips parted in her slumber. Or flat on her back while I changed her diaper, her focus completely on me as I sang to her—sometimes "The Boxer", and sometimes I'd fit her name into whatever song was stuck in my head. Or her blue eyes fixed on mine, her lashes long and her gaze steady—intent. And that little smile, her giggle, both of which could bring me to my knees.
I missed them so much I could barely breathe. And nothing could distract me from missing them. Not when I was in that house. Not the telly, or the computer, or listening to music...
They were in everything I did when I was under that roof, and I was happy to leave it behind last night. I'd considered staying in a hotel or something until filming was over—just so that I wouldn't have the constant torture of missing them, of being completely alone in the house where Lila had become such an essential part of our family.
But I hadn't been able make myself leave either. Because they were gone—clear across the country—and that house, our home, was the only place I could feel close to them.
Each day had dragged, and the closer we got to the end of the film, the more impatient I grew to just be done with it already. Especially because my conversations with Madelyn had already changed so much.
We talked every night, mostly by FaceTime. Sometimes Lila was already asleep, especially on the nights I got home later from work, and sometimes she was just finishing up dinner, and her grandmother would take over the business of getting her to bed so that Mads and I could chat. And it went without saying that it was also probably because Michelle had missed out on six months worth of her granddaughter's life, and wanted to make up for lost time.
Mads seemed so relaxed every time we spoke. I could see and hear how much had changed for her every time we talked, and I was eager to see all those changes in her up close. In person.
Relief was the most prominent emotion at first. Relief and happiness. Because she was okay. She was Mads again. My Mads. My girl. I'd been so scared for so long. So afraid to even broach the subject with her, afraid she'd push me away completely. And isolating herself was the last thing either of us needed, but particularly her. Who knows where we would've ended up if she had...
I didn't even want to think about it.
There was so much relief in already seeing improvement in her. Just having her family around—someone constantly there, not just to help with Lila, but to be there for her—was working wonders. And even though it had only been a short time since she'd started seeing her doctors and therapist regularly again, just the fact that she'd gotten the ball rolling seemed to have lifted a weight from her shoulders.
It certainly lifted one from mine.
I was dying to talk to her. To find out what was going on, what had been going on these last few months. I hadn't asked her to confirm whether or not she was suffering from postpartum depression, though I assumed she'd gotten a diagnosis one way or another, but since we'd both seemed to agree that we wouldn't talk about it by phone, I planned to have an in-depth conversation with her about everything when I got to her mother's house—where she and Lila had been staying these last couple weeks.
Because while we were still apart, I didn't want to argue. I didn't want tension. We'd had enough of that to last us a good long time. These last ten days, I only wanted to comfort her. I only needed the comfort of talking to her. Seeing her laugh and smile. Feeling her love again. So each FaceTime conversation was filled with details of our days—her going to the park with Lila and her mother, Will and his family stopping by for dinner, her day out with Jenny and the girls. And I'd told her a little about my days on set.
Though I never gave much detail.
I still hadn't told her. She still had no idea what happened the day before she left.
And whenever the conversation leaned towards my work on the film, whenever she asked me if anything of interest had happened, I changed the subject as quickly as I could without seeming suspicious. Which was easy to do when I could just claim that I wished it was over, because the sooner it was over, the sooner I could see her.
It worked every time. And it also made each consecutive phone call worse than the last.
But I definitely couldn't tell her that by phone. And I was starting to think that telling her at all probably wasn't such a good idea. She was so fragile right now. And if I told her the truth—what I'd done—I'd also have to tell her that I'd been keeping it from her for weeks, and it would all just seem a lot worse than it was.
Still... I knew I had to tell her. If only to ease my own guilt, which was corroding away my insides with each day, every hour that passed.
The longer I kept it inside, the worse things would get. I knew that. And the anticipation of telling her, of having that conversation, was souring the excitement of being reunited.
And I was completely to blame.
When I reached the baggage claim area, I glanced around, figuring I would spot whoever Mads had sent to pick me up. I looked at my phone again, wondering if another text had come through saying who would be here, but the last text she'd sent was her reply after I'd sent the Snapple fact.
I was tapping out another message to ask who to look for when I heard it.
"Harry!"
Excited whispers became louder exclamations, and I turned my head to find two young girls, suitcases stood at their feet, phones in their hands, smiling at me, their eyes wide and glistening with adoration.
I smiled, still surprised and a bit embarrassed after all these years to inspire such excitement in other people. Complete strangers. "Hi."
They took that as the cue it was and came up to me, asking for pictures. I appreciated it—how sweet they were. And the fact that it didn't turn into an all-out mob surrounding me. It helped that I didn't usually go to baggage claim myself, so no one was expecting to find me here. If there were paparazzi waiting for me at this airport, they wouldn't have thought to come here. But that didn't mean I wouldn't be recognized.
It was as I was posing with the second girl—their parents had joined us to take the photos—that I saw him. Mark Freeman. Walking into the terminal through the sliding glass doors.
With a baby in his arms.
My heart was abruptly beating so fast, I couldn't stand still any longer.
"Thank you," I said, already edging away. "Thank you so much."
"Thank you, Harry!" the first girl breathed. It looked like the second one was near tears. "We love you so much."
"Thank you, love you too," I said, shouting the words over my shoulder, already walking away.
Towards my family.
Lila spotted me first. Whether or not she understood who I was—recognized me—I couldn't be sure. But from the way she didn't look away, the way she watched me approach, her dummy in her mouth, I couldn't contain my smile.
Mark looked over not long later, and grinned upon seeing me, turning to Lila as he started walking towards me, speaking to her with a wide smile as he bounced her a little in his arms. Her face stayed serious.
And then I reached them.
"Hey man," Mark said, reaching his free hand out to wrap it around me in a hug. "Good to see you, brother."
"Good to see you," I said, patting him on the back before pulling away to look at my daughter.
My baby girl.
"Hi little one," I said, reaching for her. She was wearing little jeans and sneakers, and a yellow jacket with a white flower design on the pockets.
Mark handed her over to me, saying, "There we go. Go to Daddy."
When her warm weight was between my hands, when I settled her against my chest, my shoulder...
It felt like I'd always known what it was like to love her, even though she'd only been here six months, even though I'd only known of her existence for nine months before that...
I felt like I'd spent my whole life loving her.
But I'd never known what it was like to miss her. Not the way I'd missed her these last ten days. And it was only when I was holding her in my arms again, when I was kissing her soft cheeks, her warm forehead, holding her little head to my lips with a palm, when I felt like crying from the missing her, that I knew exactly how much my life had changed.
How much I never wanted to go back to the life I lived before I had my little girl.
"Sorry we're late," Mark said, watching both of us with a smile and crossed arms. "Maddie didn't tell me I was picking you up until an hour before I was supposed to leave."
"Shit," I muttered. "I'm sorry. I told her I would get a car."
Mark waved a hand in dismissal. "No, it wasn't a problem, I was around," he said with a shrug. "Just wish I'd had more notice. We would've been here on time to surprise you."
"You're right on time. And it's still a surprise," I said, looking at Lila in my arms. One of her hands was braced on my shoulder, the other was already playing with my necklace. "I didn't expect to see this one here." I bounced her a little to get her attention. Her blue eyes shifted to mine, but she remained serious. "But it's the best surprise, isn't it?"
When I kissed her again, just over her eyebrow, both of them bunched together in the cutest way, and I couldn't help but laugh. "What's that face for? Hm?" I kept kissing her, unable to help myself. "You upset with me?"
"She's been grumpy this morning," Mark said, reaching out to touch Lila's arm, rub his thumb against her forearm. "It took twenty minutes once we were in the car for her to calm down."
Realistically, I knew that I'd probably missed several meltdowns in the last week and a half. But hearing that she'd been upset this morning... I couldn't help wishing I'd been there. Couldn't help thinking that she needed me, and I wasn't there for her.
"Hope she didn't drive you too crazy," I said to Mark.
He shrugged, a smile touching his bearded mouth. "I won't lie and say I wasn't freaking out at first. Especially since it was my first time taking her by myself. But she's my niece. She's allowed to drive me a little crazy."
I chuckled and looked at Lila. "Did you torture your uncle?"
Lila looked between the two of us, still very seriously sucking on her dummy. So I ducked my head and kissed her belly, which made her smile. And when I did it again, she squealed and giggled, the dummy falling out of her mouth to land between her body and my chest. Mark plucked it out from between us before it could fall to the floor, and I wasted no time in very loudly kissing her round belly again, making her giggle even more.
I felt like crying tears of relief at the sound.
"Alright, you two. Think it's time we head out," Mark said, and only when I looked up at him did I register the flashes of cameras around us.
I hadn't even gotten my luggage yet, and a cold lump of dread took up space in the pit of my stomach when I realized that Lila was in full view for them.
"Okay, little one," I said, angling her face away from the cameras. She fussed a little, but Mark stuck the dummy back in her mouth, which quieted her down. "It's okay, " I murmured. "Daddy's gotcha."
With Mark at my side and Lila's head situated so that she was facing behind me, away from them, I turned back towards the luggage carousel and caught sight of a few photographers several feet away, who had evidently figured out where I would likely be. And the flashes from their large cameras were pointing more and more people's attention in our direction.
I kept my head down, did my best to keep my face pleasant, and strode toward the carousel, where people were already collecting their luggage.
"Damn," Mark muttered beside me, glancing around the way I'd learned not to do early on in my career. "Is it always like this?"
I lifted my eyes right as a camera flashed, and my hands tightened around Lila's small body. "For the most part, yeah."
We didn't say anything more until we were outside. Until after I'd directed Mark to grab my luggage as it came round. Until after I'd had to let down a few more fans who'd asked for a picture. But they smiled as I explained that I was with my family, said thank you anyway, and let me walk away. Their voices followed me, first congratulating me on becoming a parent, then to say how beautiful Lila was. I made sure to call my thanks to them over my shoulder.
And I was grateful. But I also wanted to get her away from them—the public, in general—as quickly as possible.
It was amazing how it happened—when it happened. How I went from Harry—just Harry—to Daddy. Father of a helpless little girl. A baby who needed me, depended on me to protect her. I never cared all that much about being photographed in these situations. Never cared when fans approached me for pictures while I was out and about. I also didn't have a problem telling them that I wasn't up for a photo if I didn't feel up to it.
But this...
This was totally different.
I felt defensive. On edge. I wanted to shield her from their flashes, their scrutiny and shallow interest. And not even in the same way I'd felt with Mads early on in our relationship. She needed my protection, too, but not the way Lila did. This little human being cuddled up against my chest—this beautifully innocent life that I'd created—she couldn't yet reason any of this out. Couldn't decide for herself if this was the life she wanted like Mads had been able to.
I was completely responsible for her. And she was completely dependent on me. And I wouldn't let anyone hurt her or take advantage of her in any way as long as I could help it.
"Have I mentioned how insane that was?" Mark asked once we were finally in his car, Lila all strapped into her car seat.
I was sitting beside her in the backseat, my hand on her belly, her little fingers toying with my rings, when I looked up to meet Mark's eye in the rear view mirror. "Once or twice."
He'd mumbled something to the same effect each time a new person called my name.
Which had happened a lot between baggage claim and the parking lot.
"Is it really always like that?" he asked as he reversed out of the spot, angled so that he was facing me, his hand braced on the passenger seat beside him as he made sure no other cars were coming.
I looked at Lila, who was looking at me, and just like I'd been doing for the last ten minutes, imagined all the ways her life wouldn't be normal because of me.
This was just the first taste of it.
"Not always," I said. "Usually, there are more people."
"Holy shit."
I breathed a laugh. He sounded genuinely horrified. "I'm joking. Sort of."
When he didn't ask any more, I went on, "For the most part, I don't mind it. But that was a bit of a wake up call, I'll admit. I mean, it bothered me when I started dating Mads, knowing that asking her to be with me meant asking her to accept that part of my life. But even that was different from this."
"Cause of Lila?"
I was looking at her, watching her suck on her dummy, her blue eyes fixed on mine—with all the trust in the world in their depths.
"Yeah," I said, swallowing over the lump in my throat as her fingers tightened around mine. "I didn't like that at all."
Exposed—I'd felt like that a good number of times over the years. But I'd never felt it on such a deep, personal level as I had just now. Because I was holding the most important bit of me in my arms for the world to see, and she was small and vulnerable, and I never wanted her to be hurt, but especially not by people she didn't know and would never meet. People who were only looking to take advantage of her.
"What's it like?" Mark asked then, and his voice...
It was different somehow.
"It's not the end of the world," I said, trying to brush off the entire experience. But Mads and I had worked very hard to protect Lila from all that. And all at once, they'd gotten what they wanted.
And that pissed me off.
"No, not—I mean... What's it like, y'know... being a dad?"
His eyes were on the road ahead of us, and for a second, I wasn't sure I'd heard him correctly.
Mads and I had had conversations about him and Emily—whether or not they'd have children. We'd always said that they would make great parents, but we couldn't ever pinpoint when they might decide to start. Emily was completely in love with her work, and dedicated to it. Mark was, too. They understood that about each other, which was why they worked so well together. So we knew that timing would be their biggest obstacle—that it might put them off having kids for a long while yet.
They didn't seem to be in any rush, either. Every time it was mentioned, Mark paled at least three shades. And Emily always calmed him down by reassuring him that they weren't ready yet.
So, for him to ask that kind of question...
Mark and I had always had a good relationship. But I also knew that with him, things would always remain at a surface-level. He didn't go deep. At least not with me. And that was okay. I liked our relationship, and I knew he would always be there for me and Mads should we need him. And we always planned to be there for him and Emily.
But this...
This was a rare deep-dive, and I knew I had to take it seriously.
"It's, uh—it's crazy, and it's—"
Lila was looking at me with her mother's beautiful blue eyes, with a tiny nose that didn't favor either of us yet, and lips that were distinctly mine. She was made up of little bits of us—half of me and half of Mads. But what these last six months of getting to know her had taught me was that she was entirely her own as well. That even though she came from us, she was an entire person, too. A person we'd made.
And I couldn't wait to get to know her more as she grew.
"To be honest, it's the scariest, most frustrating, most difficult, best, most wonderful and rewarding thing I've ever experienced. Just when you think it can't get any harder, it does, but it gets more amazing, too." I looked at Mark through the rear-view again, but his eyes were straight ahead. "I wouldn't change a thing, man. My life is so much better with her in it."
Lila started babbling then, like she knew I was talking about her and she needed to remind me to pay attention to her.
I laughed, and Mark was smiling as well when he asked, "What's she saying back there?"
"She's saying, 'You'll be singing a different tune when you have to change my nappy later.'"
Mark started laughing, then began telling me that she'd peed on him last week while he was helping Mads give her a bath. He didn't say anything more about being a dad, or even react to what I'd said to him.
But the fact that he'd even thought to ask...
Michelle's house looked exactly the same as it always had—pristinely kept, and in this warm spring weather, the flowers lining the walkway were in full bloom.
"Looks like Maddie's back," Mark said, pulling behind Michelle's car in the driveway.
And right after an initial jolt of excitement, of happiness, came a flood of guilt knowing what I'd have to tell her. Knowing that I'd betrayed her. Wondering how I could've betrayed her.
Mark carried my luggage in ahead of me and Lila, shouting, "Honey, we're home!" into the foyer.
I stepped in behind him, my heart pounding as I waited for any sign of her.
It had only been ten days. I knew that. But with the way she'd been feeling before she left, with the way our marriage had been suffering these last few months—I couldn't get that image out of my head. It had haunted me ever since she and Lila left. That image of her on the floor, tucked into herself, hiding from the world, from me, with glass shattered around her...
I was so ready to see her after the time away, after all the thoughts I'd had these last two weeks. And despite everything we needed to talk about, I hoped she'd be happy to see me, too.
Even if I had to break her heart again sooner or later.
The sound came from the kitchen—the fridge closing, maybe—and before I knew what I was doing, I was handing Lila over to Mark, and walking towards it.
Just as she hurried into view in the doorway.
Her breath caught in her throat, and my heart stopped.
Her long dark hair was loose and wavy around her shoulders, and she was dressed in jeans and a white top, her eyes ringed with makeup, her lashes long and dark against the blue.
Beautiful. She was so beautiful.
She smiled as I did, and before either of us could say a word, she gasped and flung herself into my arms, counting on me to catch her.
And I did.
I always would.
___
Author's Note:
Hello my friends!
I hope this new chapter finds you well, and I hope that you enjoyed it! It's sort of a special one for me (though it might sort of seem like a filler chapter to some) because it's a little bit of setup for something I've been thinking about for YEARS. Since I was writing Out of the Ordinary. So, now's the time to get some of your feedback:
How would everyone feel about a spinoff book (or two!) about Emily and Mark?
Disclaimer: I don't know when they'll happen! Definitely not until after I've finished this one, but I'll still probably take some time in between. But I just wanted to see how you guys would feel about it. It's something that I've been pretty excited thinking about, and I think it would be a lot of fun to write. Emily and Mark are a pretty different couple to what we're all used to with Mads and Harry lol. I think seeing them come together and stay together could be very entertaining :) So let me know!
In other news, I'm still WAY behind on answering comments and I'm sorry! I keep intending to do it, then I get sidetracked and forget, and before I know it another 2 weeks has passed :( *Must be better about this--adding it onto my resolutions for 2019 lol. The next time I post will be just before Christmas, so I'll save the Christmas wishes for then, and instead say to anyone who celebrates, I hope you're enjoying the season and having an easier time buying gifts for family than I am, lmao!
MY FAMILY IS THE HARDEST TO SHOP FOR, IT'S SO FUN.
Love you guys lots, and I promise I will answer all the comments, but in the meantime, here's a broad THANK YOU. I appreciate each and every single one of you. Have the BEST two weeks! xx