We waited for Mige at the mall. I introduced him to Leena, who wouldn't stop talking to him. I was on the backseat watching them. He was enjoying the conversation as well, I noticed.
"So Eve, what's going to be? Do you know already?" Mige asked.
"I don't have a clue."
Mige looked at Leena, who shrugged. They probably think I was going mad.
We arrived at the studio. The tattoo artist came to greet us. His name was Michael, he wasn't Finnish, but Swedish. Mige and him talked a little and then he turned to me. "So, you are Ville's girl!" I felt overwhelmed, it was a strange feeling. "It's a pleasure to make your tattoo. Do you have a doodle or something to show me what you want?"
"No." He looked puzzled. "Well, why don't you check this album, then? Maybe you'll have ideas." He gave me a big book, with photos. Leena sat with me, looking at it as well, while Mike and Mige talked.
I saw several heartagrams. My heart jumped, because one of them I knew well. It was Ville's. Leena looked at me. "Are you thinking of doing one of those?"
"No. No, I just got distracted. I think I already know."
"So, what's going to be?" Mike asked.
"I've always wanted to make sunflowers. Because of Van Gogh. He's one of my favorites and I'm in a point of my life that I identify with him."
They didn't say anything, just looked at each other. Mike showed some examples, we googled some images and after a while, he understood what I wanted. I decided to do it inside my left arm, below my armpit.
It didn't hurt much. Mige and Leena were checking some tattoos for her as well. They seemed to like each other's company. It was a cute couple, and I smiled at the idea.
It took a while, and it was a good distraction. It seemed weird to think, but it was a good pain. It made me forget for a while the pain I felt in my heart. And I was enjoying the time with them.
"You know Eve, me and Ville, we were a bunch of crazies. We were drunk when I did his tattoo. I was worse than him at the moment, I don't know how I managed to do it. But everything went fine."
"How many tattoos are made by you?"
"I did two, only. One heartagram and a... Hum, I think it was a name. Don't recall."
"Were you drunk again?"
Mike looked at Mige. "Yeah, kinda."
I realized it wasn't that. But I wouldn't insist. If it was a name, it was probably an ex-girlfriend's.
He finished and I was very happy with the results. "It's beautiful, Mike. Thank you so much. That's what I wanted."
"No problem. I think Ville is gonna like it as well! Although he prefers black and white tattoos."
"I hope he likes. I know I did."
Leena decided to leave it for another day. She wasn't sure about it. Mige was teasing she was scared.
When we left, it was already dark, almost nine o'clock, I lost track of time. We decided to go to a bar. Leena wanted to know it after Mige talked so much about it. It was a rock bar, loud music and all.
It made me good, go out and see different things. The music was nice, the bar played songs from the 70's to modern stuff. Including HIM.
Mige turned to me, watching my reaction when the speakers started to blast "Buried Alive by Love". "Is it weird to hear your own music in a bar?" I asked him.
He handled me a pint. "Kinda. But I feel proud as well. Always wanted to know how it feels and now I know."
I nodded. "Don't give me that look, Mige. I'm okay."
"Alright. But if you're not feeling well, we can go."
"Don't worry about me, Mige. Let's enjoy the night."
Leena was dancing with Mige. They were having fun and it made me smile. They were both two lovely creatures and now I was rooting for them.
I was on my second pint of beer when a guy sat by my side. He was too close. He was tall and skinny, long hair. For a second it made me remind of Ville. But it was probably only mind tricks.
He said something in Finnish and I shrugged. "Sorry. I don't speak Finnish."
"Oh, no problem. I just asked if wanted another pint."
"Yeah, sure." Actually I wasn't so sure. I was starting to feel the effects of alcohol.
"What are you having?"
"Guinness."
"Good choice! Two Guinness, please. My name is Tapio, by the way." He gave me his hand. "Eve."
I hate small talk, with all my strength. He kept talking about life, general things, I wasn't interested at all. But I didn't want to be rude. I pretended I was listening. But the beer was hitting me and I was starting to feel light headed.
Then I remembered I shouldn't be drinking, as I was taking anti depressives. Shit. I put my pint on the table, but I had consumed almost three of it already.
"So Eve, what kind of music do you like? Do you like Finnish music?"
"You can't imagine how much."
"Really? Nice! What's your favourite bands?"
"I love HIM. I love Ville Valo."
Oh god. What I was saying.
"Yeah, I can imagine. All the girls love him. But I don't know, isn't that make up a little dubious?"
"How's so? What about it?"
"I think he is actually gay."
I laughed so hard and high, people around looked at me, even though the music was playing. I couldn't stop laughing. I was high already and didn't care. "Oh man, I'm sure he's not." I knew I was laughing too much, but I didn't care.
"How can you be so sure?"
"Well, he definitely likes women."
"Just because you see pics of him with hot chicks? It can be just for publicity, after all."
"Sure, sure."
"You must be a really big fan." He seemed annoyed.
"Do you think he would date me?"
"Well, you're pretty and all. But you don't seem like those girls he dates. Models, you known. I'm sorry, but I don't think you're his type."
I laughed hard again. The poor guy looked puzzled, and put a hand on my shoulder. "But I know I would date you, easily." I shrugged and politely removed his hand. "Oh, sorry. I don't want to -"
He came near me, trying to kiss me. I ditched him. "What are you doing? Excuse me." I was irritated already.
I got up and he held my arm. I was angry. "Please, let me go."
"Don't go, let's talk. Finish your beer."
"No, I remembered I can't. Just let me go."
He was drunken, but that was no excuse. I felt my whole body shaking, I wanted to run away. "Please, let go of me."
"Come on Eve, we were having a nice talk."
"Really, let me go." As he didn't, I used a karate movement but not too strong. Just a fast hit for him to take his hands off me. I wasn't thinking. He jumped and I think I hurt him. Maybe I wasn't so careful, after all. He was holding his hand, kinda scared. People around started looking at me. My head was spinning and I started to feel anxious. I ran to the bathroom, I needed to hide myself.
My head was dizzy and I was feeling horribly sad. I suppose it was the combination of my medications and booze. How stupid I was, I didn't think.
I locked myself in the bathroom and stayed there a while. The dizziness was better, but I was feeling extremely anxious and thinking about that guy, Tapio, would be outside waiting for me.
My hands hurt and was tingling. I knew I was going to have an anxiety crisis. I couldn't breath properly and couldn't move myself out of the bathroom. I don't know how long I stayed there until there was a knock on the door.
"Eve? Are you in there?"
I recognized that voice. It was Leena. I was drunk and forgot about her.
"Eve? Answer me!
"I'm in here. I just... I can't get out."
"Why? What happened?"
"I can't. Please just let me stay here."
I started to cry. Ville's face came into my mind and I just wanted to see, to hear him. I felt a huge hole in my chest and started sobbing. God, I was pathetic. When I came to Finland I swear to myself I wouldn't suffer for any one like that anymore, and here I was, drunk, confused, having a panic attack closed in a dirty bathroom in a foreign country.
"Eve, please open the door."
"I can't. Please leave me alone."
I couldn't move. I didn't understand what was happening. I was paralyzed, terrified of going outside. I heard noises outside, some talking in Finnish and laughs.
"Eve! Open the door!" It was Mige. I heard his voice from above. He was looking at me from the other cabin.
"Thank god you're not naked. Now, open the door. Let's get out of here."
"I can't. I can't breath."
"Shit. Eve, just extend your hand. The lock is within your reach. I'll be here, alright? Leena is here, too."
My thoughts were clouded. Suddenly the image of Natalie appeared in my head, telling me things about Ville. I was hallucinating. I couldn't even see the door in front of me. I had no control of my body, maybe I was dreaming.
I snap out of it when I heard Mige saying to Leena he would kick the door down. The imagine of Natalie disappeared, and I managed to unlock the cabin. Mige opened the door carefully and help me to get up. The rest was a blur, I didn't understand what was happening. I heard them speaking to each other but didn't comprehended.
When I woke up, I was at the hospital. I saw the IV in my arm, and I was wearing a hospital gown, just like one of those that Ville had.
And Seppo was there, with Mige and Leena as well. They were speaking in Finnish.
My head was heavy, I felt horrible. I just had the feeling of being very stupid and was feeling an immense regret.
Seppo saw I was awaken. "Look who's up. How are you feeling?"
"Not good."
"Oh my god Eve, you've scared us! Why you didn't tell me you were taking anti depressives?" Leena was almost crying. I felt extremely guilty.
"I'm sorry, I wasn't hiding, I just forgot to tell, I suppose. And I know how stupid I was to mix it with alcohol. How bad was the situation?"
"You had a nervous breakdown. An anxiety attack, apparently, as the doctors supposed. Not only that. You were feverish because you had an allergic reaction to the tattoo." Seppo explained. I looked at my arm and it was red and swollen. "You actually had hallucinations because of the fever, and all combined. What a trip!" Seppo laughed. His good humour surprised me.
"My god. I really hallucinated, that I remember. Tell me, what else happened? Did I kill anyone?"
"You didn't, but it seems you tried." Mige was laughing. "A guy saw you leaving and said that you attacked him. Then you tried to kick him and said he deserved." Leena and Mige laughed.
"Oh, gosh. I actually hit him because he wouldn't leave me alone and was holding my arm. I tried to apply a simple karate hit, but maybe it was too hard on him."
Seppo found it so funny that it was amusing. I was feeling like trash, but that reunion on the hospital made me feel better, for some reason. Then I realized they all made me feel closer to Ville, somehow. People used to tell me Finnish people were cold, but until now I just met wonderful Finnish people.
"I'm sorry for all the trouble, guys. I really am."
"I'm sure Ville will laugh his ass off this story." Mige was teasing me. Seppo gave him a disapproval look.
A doctor came to check my allergy situation and explained it could be emotional as well, because I had tattooed once and never had a reaction. And also gave me a lecture about mixing medications and alcohol. He said I could even had had a heart attack. The worse is that I knew about it but I wasn't thinking straight.
She said it wouldn't be necessary to spend the night in the hospital, which was a relief. She gave me some other medications and released me.
Seppo now looked serious."Eve, take it easy, alright? I know it must be hard on you. But you need to be in one piece when Ville come back, right? He wouldn't like to see you like this. And about Natalie. The rehab center reassured me it's impossible for her to visit him. And that he's following the program just right. Like I said before, if he wasn't fine, they would tell me. So, don't worry. Soon enough he will be here with us."
I smiled weakly. I needed to trust Seppo and be confident about it.
It was five in the morning when Mige dropped us home. I was tired and with a tremendous headache. Leena and Mige were talking something in Finnish while I was ahead. He said goodbye and promised to come back tomorrow to check on us.
Leena wanted to help me to bed, but it wasn't necessary. "I'm fine, Leena. I'm sorry for all this trouble."
"No, I shouldn't take you out to the bar. It was my fault."
"You didn't know, and Leena, I'm responsible for my own actions. Don't blame yourself. I just need to rest. See you in the morning, right?"
"Right. Anything, you call me, okay?"
"Thanks Leena. For everything."
I fell on my bed. The medication was kicking in, I was feeling like a proper human being already. Just my arm was still burning.
Seppo's words came back to my head. I felt hopeful about Ville's recovery, and promised myself tomorrow would be different.