On the second day of Christmas my true love sent to me
Two motel beds
And an old friend in university
"Wake up, Sleeping Ugly. Your ferret's about to freeze to death."
Eric's words ended the beautiful dream that Cassie was having (Burt Reynolds oiling up his chest), but the view when she opened her eyes was just as magical – inches of snow all around, and still more was coming.
"It's so Christmas-y," she said in awe.
"I know you've been in Texas a while, but don't pretend you've never seen snow before."
"Come on, you know it's never snowed like this back home."
Beano was busy making a blanket out of sawdust to ward off the frigid cold.
"Aw, my poor, sweet baby," Cassie cooed at the hamster. "Let's get you inside. Hey, Eric, where's my luggage?"
"It's just out here. I was about to carry it to the suite."
"You got us a suite?" Cassie said, beaming.
"Yeah, the Willow Suite, it's called."
"You're the best, Eric!" Cassie was slow to climb out of the car, not wanting to slip and drop Beano's cage. "How far is it?"
"It's just here."
"Behind the shacks?"
"No, our one is this one."
"The one by the dumpster?"
"Yeah."
"OK, I think I'm sleeping in the car."
"Oh, come on, it ain't that bad," Eric tried to reassure. "Come and see." He held a hand out.
Against her better instincts, Cassie went along to the front door which at one point must have said Willow Suite, but after losing a few letters, had only .ill.. Su..e. "And that's exactly what I'm going to do when I contract ringworm from the mattress."
"What?" Eric was trying to get the key into the iced-over keyhole.
"The letters on the door." Cassie's hands were full, so she gestured with her head.
"You're going to become ill and change your name to Sue?"
"No, dummy. It spells out 'I'll sue,' as in I'll sue them for – forget it. How's it coming along with the lock?"
"There's a layer of ice over where I'm supposed to put the goddamn key in."
"Eric, I'm cold."
"Are you? Are you cold?" Eric mocked. "I'm practically boiling. Why, what other temperature could I possibly be feeling in this weather?"
"Jesus, don't throw your toys out of the cot."
"God-fucking-damn this fucking –" With the last word, Eric punched the door, and it opened before them.
"You know, partner, at first I didn't have faith in your choice of room, but now that I see we have a door that neither locks nor even closes properly, I'm sold."
An aroma of cigarettes, mold, and unmentionable bodily fluids wafted toward them.
"So much for the No Smoking sign." Eric flicked at the faded placard on the wall.
"Eric, I don't think these bedsheets have been changed from the previous customers." Cassie walked up to one of them. "In fact, I doubt they've been changed at all since this place opened."
"Come on, you don't know that."
"They look obviously slept-in." Cassie examined the second bed closely. "Dibs on the bed without a pube on the pillow."
"I'm sure you're just exaggerating. There's no way that – oh, nope, yeah, that's a pube, all right," Eric said as he picked the offender up with the chewed-up pen that had been on the bedside table.
"Where even did you find this place?" Cassie quivered with disgust.
"Backpage."
"Backpage? Fucking Backpage? You know, actually, I can't say I'm surprised given the... quality." Cassie investigated a brown stain on the wall. "Or lack thereof. Eric, do you think this is –"
"Don't even say it. I'll sleep better not knowing."
Beano, who had been left on a table near the opposite wall, was sniffing around frantically.
Eric seemed to notice. "I think even your vole is distressed by the fantastic fragrances in this room."
"Poor little Beano and his sensitive nose. Let me get my little man a locust bean for being so brave." Cassie began digging around in her handbag for the hamster treats she had been keeping handy.
"Locusts come from beans now?"
"Good joke, Eric. Your wit is truly on point today."
"No, but seriously, are they beans made from locusts or something locust-y made from beans?"
"How does something become 'locust-y?'"
"No idea. Hey, let's see what's on the TV." The remote made a slurping sound as Eric unglued it from the table. "Ew, the bottom of this is all sticky."
"With what, I dare not ask."
The small television came to life, but only barely. The picture and sound were slightly distorted and... "I can't get it to change channels. Why is Telemundo on every channel?"
"I don't know. Is your Spanish any good?"
"Oui."
"Great. Well, I suspect we're not going to be watching a lot of TV during our –" Cassie was interrupted by a loud pop as the television lost its picture.
"No great loss, I guess, and now I have a reason to never lay my hands on this grimy remote again. Hey, weren't you going to feed Ol' Plague-Bringer there?"
Beano scrunched up his nose as if offended by the joke.
"Would you like to feed Beano a locust bean, Eric?" Cassie held the packet out to him.
"No thanks. I might just get too excited."
"You know what I think?" Cassie began as she stuck a locust bean through the bars of Beano's cage. "I think that you're just acting tough. I think you'll grow to love my fluffy little man during our time together."
"Guess again. The only reason I'd ever touch that thing is if I'm flushing it down the toilet."
"Speaking of which, I couldn't help but notice we don't have a toilet attached to this room."
Eric looked around. "You must be fucking joking."
"Don't throw this onto me, partner. You were the one who got us this 'suite.'" Cassie punctuated the last word with air quotes while Beano munched down on his locust bean. "I don't suppose you could get a refund and move us somewhere better, like, say, a cesspit."
"Hey, at least we're warm and dry in here." Eric was pulling out papers from one of his bags.
"So we're as good as we'd get in a cave. Comforting. What you got there?"
"Just some papers."
"Yes, I can see that. Are they about the work you said you had here?"
"Yep."
"Can I see them?"
"Nope."
"Are you going to tell me what they're about?"
"Nuh-uh."
Cassie's curiosity was sufficiently piqued. "So what, are you, like, some sort of secret agent or something?"
"'Or something' is right."
"OK, whatever. I'm going back to sleep. Your car wasn't exactly comfortable."
"You sure about that? Your snoring and drooling told a very different story."
"Shut up." Cassie slid in between the unwashed sheets. "Mm, crusty."