After calling Cody at the café, I apologize profusely and get out of working today since there would have only been an hour left of my shift. I feel really bad.
I saunter over to my bed and flop down, crying. I feel stressed.
A few minutes later I get up and look in the full-length mirror on my closet door, and all I see is a sad-looking misfit. Mascara from the night before mixed with tears are streaming down my face.
I hadn't meant to hurt Christian, I had just wanted a fun night to myself, to try something, to prove something.
I knew deep down Christian was right. I was acting unlike myself. I was losing my way.
It felt good to finally feel like I belonged, and fit in, and I too, like Sylvia had let it go to my head.
I felt like an idiot.
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I spent the rest of the weekend hanging out with Reagan at the house and finishing up homework, especially a media-arts project that would be due Tuesday. I had a shift at the Full Mug on Monday, so I decided to get it done early. I was going to be early to that shift if I could help it. Cody had been so gracious the other day when I called in.
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I felt emotionally-tired on Monday morning at school. Apart from homework during the weekend, I had tackled thinking a lot about my personal life, and what it was exactly that I wanted from myself, from Christian and my friends, from my family, from school. It was a lot of thinking. I hadn't journaled in a long time, but I did that too.
The bell rings for first period to start and everyone is just starting to settle down in their seats. Tuckett didn't like all the chatter during class, so she's surprised us with seating arrangements first thing today. Let's just say she's officially on my bad side again. At the same time, Christian still doesn't look like he's in the mood to talk to me, so I give him space, and Tuckett's new seating arrangement forces me to do so anyway.
I look over at him, since now we're sitting several rows opposite of each other, and he's way too focused on the writing assignment for the class. I wonder if he's really mad or just semi-mad about the weekend. Clara notices me looking back and forth at him, and she's now sitting right next to me. Lucky me, huh? She whispers in my direction, "Maybe he's just not interested in you anymore. He's moved onto better things. Which wouldn't be hard to do." She smiles smugly at herself and I don't even give her the time of day. I just sit and think some more instead of working on the English assignment we've been given the last half hour of class to do.
........................
It's passing time and I don't stick around the classroom. In fact, I bolt out the door, and take the nearest exit doors to go outside. I find myself sitting on the bleachers, skipping geometry class. The day is not going well.
There is a track out here by the bleachers, and one of the gym classes is in session. The gym teacher is blowing a whistle while holding a soda. I watch kids run laps, training for the mile or something, and wonder why my own life seems to be going in circles.
Just then, Christian shows up and sits down by me on the bleachers.
Once again, I'm very surprised to see him. He nudges me, "I still care, you know."
My eyes get a little watery, "I really hoped so."
He puts his arm around me and I lean my head on his shoulder.
We stay like that for a long time.