Fifty-three minutes after the call, I was perched on the roof of my apartment building. The journey from campus to the roof was blurry and fuzzy and seemed to take place upside down. The sun was setting. The sky was streaked pink and blue like cotton candy. Ben always wanted to get cotton candy. Anywhere we went that sold cotton candy, he had to get it.
"For the experience!" he'd declare before taking a sugary bite.
I felt Trinity staring at my back from the stairs.
"Nessa, I'm so sorry." Her voice was still rough from crying and I could practically hear her wringing her hands. "I shouldn't have told you at school. I should've told you to come home. I'm so sorry, Nessa, please--"
"Get the fuck away from me," I told her flatly, without turning around. Trinity stopped talking and she left quietly. The sun sank lower and I could see the first star appear in the dark fiery sky. I slipped my cracked phone out of my pocket and dialed Ben's number. I must have dropped it after I'd hung up on Trinity, but everything was distorted, wrong, full of wordless tears and screams that tore my insides to shreds. It rang and rang and rang and then his voicemail message played: Hi, it's Ben Weber! Leave your name and number and I might get back to you.
Even though he would never be able to hear them, the words still stuck in my mouth. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I was such a damn bitch for no reason. I couldn't admit that I was nothing without taking care of Mom. It had become my purpose in life and I was too confused and ashamed to admit it to you so I just blew up at you instead. You didn't deserve that. You didn't deserve any of the shit you had to go through. I'm sorry. I sat there in the cold March air, not shivering, not moving, not breathing, just looking at Ben's contact information. His face grinned up from the little icon. I gripped my phone so tight the cracked screen cut into my hand and then I reared back and threw my phone as hard as I could off the roof. It sailed across the sunset before disappearing into the tall dark trees below.