The door unlocks again two hours later. Judging by the quietness of the house - it's obviously Alex. I walk to my door, shutting it and locking it before walking back to my bed.
I can hear his footsteps as he softly walks up the stairs. I cover my mouth with my left hand to muffle the sob. I take a deep breath when I hear him close the door.
I wipe my hands over my eyes. Stupid feelings.
There are two reasons I cannot. Will not be with him. The first is that I'm scared about what will happen when we have to go away to college. Will we just leave, never to see each other again? Better wash away the pain now and not later.
The second reason is that he's way too good for me. He's cocky and annoying sometimes. But that doesn't stop me from loving him. Nothing ever will. I'm way out of his league. And if something actually did happen he'd probably end up hating me and dumping me.
So I better reject him while I still can.
I lie back down on my bed, letting one final sob out before picking up my book. I have three rocks in my life. One's Adele and Bubbles. The second is Alex. The third is books. Since I don't feel like talking, I'll just pour my sorrows into a book.
It really doesn't help that I'm reading 'The Notebook' which only makes me cry harder. I decide to go take a shower. I turn the water on and step in.
I let the warm water run over my face and I wash my hair while I'm at it. I step into my sweatpants and throw on a baggy NBA hoodie.
I collapse onto my bed and pull my phone over to me. I turn it on and am faced with my lock screen.
His face smiles back at me and I have to cover my mouth to muffle the sob. I unlock my screen and see the cute picture of him. His face is reluctant and he's about to grin. I quickly click into my Instagram and see a post from Alex's feed. It's of me, standing on top of the rock. It was posted five hours ago. Another sob escapes and I shut my phone off and cry myself to sleep.
***
Alex's POV
I shut the door quietly, hoping she doesn't hear me come in. I move over to my bed and collapse on top of it.
I put my hands over my eyes and close them. All I can see is her crying face. The bittersweet feeling of her hand on my cheek, of her lips on mine. I let out a quiet groan.
Why was she crying? Was it because we're just friends and she didn't think anything of it? And she was shocked? Maybe I physically hurt her. Maybe she's been told to stay away from me.
Hang on a minute.
"Amanda," I whisper. I jump up and grab my phone. I unlock it, my heart skipping two as I look at her smiling face on both of my backgrounds.
I log into Instagram and unblock my ex-girlfriend.
What did you say to Nat?
Her reply comes almost instantly.
Uhm... I didn't
Yeah, right.
I swear I didn't.
I doubt it.
Seriously. Did you make a move or something?
I hesitate before replying.
Yes.
Why?
Why not?
Because she's a pig?
Look in the mirror, Amanda.
Bye.
I lock my phone off and shove it in my pocket. I feel like throwing it at the wall. I feel like punching something. I feel like kissing the most beautiful girl in the world again.
But I can't.
Because she doesn't love me back.
Because I just told her I loved her and she doesn't love me back.
Because 'we're just friends.'
I thought I had it bad before, but now it's so, so, so much worse. I thought she was killing me before. Now she's suffocating me, causing a slow, painful death.
I pick up my phone. I go into photos and scroll through the images. There's about a hundred from the past two weeks. Of her.
I click on the first video. It's of her standing on top of those rocks, me fearing for her life. Seriously, if she died, I would too.
"Having a good time?" I yell from behind the camera. I zoom in. She smiles her shining smile and replies:
"Sure am!"
I laugh from behind the camera as she throws her arms up in the air. The video ends with her taking photos of the ocean.
I scroll to the next one. It's dark and her dirty blonde/brown hair is highlighted by the red of the sunset. She's laughing.
"Stop it!" she says, shoving my hand away as I tickle her. "I'm supposed to be helping you!"
Her hand picks up mine and examines the bloody wound that I got when I stabbed my palm with a fishing hook. She pulls me up and we walk over to the ocean. My videoing is stuffy as we walk along and the sand is a blur.
"Patricia," she says. I turn the camera over to her. "Stop videoing."
"Why?" I ask.
"Because," she places a hand over the camera. I can only hear her voice. "No one wants to see your bloody hand."
I push her hand off the camera. "But I want to see you."
She bites her pink lip and looks at me with what I hoped was love. Obviously, it wasn't. I shut my phone off and lean back on my back.
I hear a sob from the room down the corridor and I visibly tremble. I swallow and put a hand over my face, massaging my forehead. I wipe my face with my arm and lie back down on the pillow. I hear the sobs coming from the room.
I don't usually cry. The first time I cried in five years was when I was with Natalie, in the car, talking about my Mum. This is the second time.
I don't stop shaking until I hear her muffled sobs stop. Then I wipe my eyes, get up and wash my face. I'm still in my board shorts without a shirt. I pull the necklace out of my short pocket and place it on the vanity.
I can't take it anymore. I pull my headphones out of the drawer and plug them into my phone. I don't play anything. Instead, I walk to the room down the corridor and open the door quietly.
She's lying on her bed, her eyes closed. There are tear tracks on her cheeks and nose. Her hair's fallen around her shoulder and her arm is held over her eyes. She's breathing deeply. I walk over and lay the locket on her drawers. I look back at her face before I walk out.
I turn around and go back to her. I crouch down beside her and look at her breathing peacefully. I stop the tears welling up behind my eyes with my arm and look back at the locket. I pick it up.
Looking back down at her face, I pick up a lock of her hair and brush it behind her ear. Then I quickly get up and leave the room before she can so much as stir.
***
The cold air whips my face as I jog along the beach. I don't see anyone except for a few cars. One girl pokes her head out the window and whistles at me. I ignore it.
I jog two kilometres before stopping and sitting down on my beach, staring at the sunset and the ocean. A fish jumps out of the water ten feet away. I pick up my phone and see a message from Bubbles.
I unlock my phone. And read it.
Did something happen between you and Nat? She's not replying to my texts. Kiss some sense into her, please.
I leave her on read, turning my phone off. I wish I could kiss some sense into her. Why was Noah enjoying all her kisses when I could've been? I close my eyes and listen to my music.
"You've got a hold on me. Don't even know your power. I stand a hundred feet, but I fall when I'm around you. Show me an open door then you go and slam it on me."
I bury my head in my arms and dig my toes into the sand. Why does it have to be so hard? Why can't she just be with me? Why can't we just both be happy?
I pull the locket out of my pocket and trace the shape.
I don't care if she thinks she's not good enough for me. I've got to make her mine. I close my fingers around the necklace and play 'one way or another' on my phone as I jog back.
***
Nat's POV:
"YOU DID WHAT?" Bubbles and Adele screech at me in sync through my phone.
"Yeah," I whisper, putting my head in my hands.
"YOU FRIEND ZONED HIM? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, GIRL? ARE YOU DUMB?" Adele yells.
I nod, not looking up. "Obviously."
"WHY!" Bubbles screams. I tilt my head up. She looks on the verge of tears. "No. No way."
She full on starts crying. I hear a yapping in the background and Bubbles scoops up Wombat, sobbing into his fur. The dog pokes his tongue out at me, giving me a happy little yap. "Hey, boy."
This, strangely makes me cry further. I think it's because Wombat reminds me of Alex. How he helped me train him. How he slept on my bed with Wombat in between us. How he bought the puppy for me.
"STOP CRYING AND ANSWER MY QUESTION!" Bubbles yells. "I'M SAD TOO, YOU KNOW!"
I wipe my nose. "I don't deserve him."
Adele lets out a whooshing breath. "Babe, you do!"
"Hell yes, you do!" Bubbles says, stroking Wombat's fur, tears pouring down her face.
"And what if we go away to college? What'll happen then? I'm sparing myself the pain. It would be way worse if we did get together and he thought I'm not good enough," I say.
"No!" Adele reacts. "Did you not hear what he said? He's in love with you. And you're in love with him! Stop resisting and start kissing!"
"Actually," Bubbles wipes her tears away. "How was the kiss?"
"Amazing," I sigh.
"Yes!" Bubbles pumps a fist up and Wombat jumps off her lap. "Oh, honey, you should be doing more of that! When you come back in a few days I'm coming over with some ice cream ok?"
I nod. Bubbles turns around on her rolly chairs and yells something to her Mum. "I've gotta go. See you, honey. I don't know what you can do. Just... make sure you're happy because you don't look like it."
She hangs up and I focus on Adele. She sighs at me. "I'm with Bubbles. Stop denying yourself the right, Nat. You are good enough for him. You might not know it, but he has a hard time thinking he's good enough for you. So please, let yourself be happy."
She hangs up on me without even a goodbye. I walk back over to my bed and lie down. Its been two days since the... incident.
The only person who's come to see me is Mum. Our conversation went a little like this:
Mum - Nat it time for - Honey what's wrong?
Me - Nothing.
Mum - Sweetie, obviously there's something wrong.
Me - I'm not feeling well.
Mum - *scoffs* like a believe that lie. Is Alex breaking your heart?
Me - No.
Mum - You know, with your father, we did have some rough times-
Me - Mum, please stop. I'm not that hungry. Just tell everyone I've got cramps
Mum - Sure. I'll report back to you with Alex's reaction to that statement
She's the only one who's been to see me. We leave in two days, and I plan on staying inside my sanctuary for those forty-eight hours. And that's what I'm gonna do.
Mum's been an angel. She's brought me fresh clothes and dinner. She hasn't questioned my state. True to her word, she returned that night with the news. She told me that Alex chocked on his food when she said I had cramps. But also that he doesn't look too good and didn't speak until Dad asked him about his day to which he replied. "My day was terrific."
There's a soft knock on my door and I move over to open it, expecting Mum. Instead, Michelle stands there with a plate of food.
"Hey hun," she says, stepping into my room. I feel sorry for her. I'm wearing a black jumper and Nike leggings I've been wearing all day. I've only eaten a piece of extra, nothing else. There are cups and plates all over the place and I haven't showered since yesterday morning.
"Hi," I say. She sits down on my bed. I follow, sitting opposite her. She hands me my dinner. "Thank you."
"You're welcome," she looks behind my shoulder at the ocean. "Ah, young love. It can be hard sometimes."
I almost spit my food into my bowl. It's a meat pie and veggies. How does she know? What an idiot I am, of course, she knows.
She smiles at me. "Don't think I haven't noticed. You haven't been out of your room for two days. Alex hasn't been eating his food. Everyone knows something's up. I'm sorry if he hurt you. My son... sometimes doesn't have the best intentions."
"It's not his fault," I sigh.
She laughs. "Usually it is. But Nat, please listen when I say this. Alex has been... the happiest he's ever been for the last few months. It's like you turned off his bad boy persona and turned on the sweet kid we all know he can be. He tried to sneak girls into the house without us noticing. We did, but let him get away with it anyway. Then you came along. He stopped altogether. It was like he'd totally forgotten. You know he has two photos of you hung up in his room? He's in love with you. I think you are in love with him, too. Just let yourself be happy, Nat. It's not healthy for you both not to be. Ok?" she asks. I nod, blinking back my tears. She pats my leg before cleaning up all my plates and leaving with an Alex-like grin.
I sigh and collapse on my bed. If everyone wants us to be together, why can't we? Because I have freaking separation anxiety. Or something. I don't want to get hurt.
I hear him close his door across the hallway and close my eyes. I wish none of this ever happened. I wish I never met him. Then I wouldn't love him half as much.
***
"Nat," I'm woken by a voice and a hand shaking me. I open one eye. I see the bright blue ones pouring into mine and blink a few times. "Wake up."
I sit up and stare at Felecia. Why do they have to look the same? Stupid genes.
"Hey," I rub my eyes. Felecia scrambles onto the bed beside me and I pull the blankets up around her. She smiles at me.
"Thanks," we slide down into the bed and I turn to face her. She looks at me solemnly. "I've got to admit it. You've completely broken my brother."
I close my eyes and pull the doona around me further.
"What happened with you two? You were best friends. I shipped you. Did he do something to you? Because he feels bad Nat, I know that for sure. You should look at him. He looks like a zombie rotting in hell. You do too. Did he say something bad?"
"No," I shake my head. "It's my fault. Not his."
"Did he kiss you?" she whispers. I nod. She smiles. "And you kissed him back?" I nod again. "Then go kiss his mouth off!"
"Felecia!" I scold.
"Sorry. I just don't get what the issue is here. If he loves you, and you love him... why can't you just be together and have a little baby so that I can be an aunt?" she whispers.
"It's not that simple, Dude," I say. Then stop. That's what he calls me. Used to call me. Felecia frowns at me.
"If you want to cry, you can do it, I know you haven't had anyone with you because it'd be weird with your mum. And you'd usually cry on Alex's shoulder, so I'm offering mine," she says. I smile and sit up, letting out a sob. She hugs me gently and I cry into her curly, brown hair.
"Thank you," I whisper ten minutes later when I've calmed down. That helped a lot," I say. She nods and gets up.
She gives me a small, sad smile before walking out. "See you in the morning," she whispers.
It's my last night here. I'm going to miss the sound of the waves crashing and ocean speaking. But most of all, I'm going to miss the memories made on the beach.
***
The morning comes sooner than I expected. Maybe its because I stayed up all night thinking about him. Maybe it's because I was dreading it. I don't know. But for whatever reason, I know it came quickly.
I get up, actually taking the time to groom myself. I still have large, baggy shadows under my eyes and my hair is in a cannot be repaired state. I'll have to get it cut when we get home. Bubbles can help me style it.
I decide to put some effort into what I wear. Because... ya know, you are what you wear. I don't wanna look like the depressed, gloomy person I am inside.
I go with some denim shorts, a singlet and a throw that has black and white bird patterns over the see-throw material. I chuck on some converse and pack my bag. I'll come back to pack my toothbrush and PJ's later after I actually eat breakfast.
I eye the hoodie and shirt that belong to Alex. I walk over and slowly fold them. I know I swam in them, so his scent could not possibly be still on the clothes. I inhale the scent anyway. It still smells like him. I bite my lip and tuck them in under my arm, walking downstairs. Maybe I can give them to Felecia to give to him.
I walk down the stairs cautiously. He's probably still in his room. Voices come from outside on the veranda and I instantly assume everyone's out there eating breakfast.
I walk around the corner into the kitchen. I thought there'd be no one in there. Instead, there is. And its the worst person possible to be in there.
I crash into Alex. The plate of cereal and milk tip over onto his stomach and the bowl crashes and smashes onto the ground.
"Sorry!" I squeak. He looks up at me and his eyes widen. I'm pretty sure mine do too. He's got massive bags under his eyes. His hair's all messy like he hasn't washed it for days. And it's less curly than usual. Maybe he's run his hands through it too many times. He looks the tiniest bit skinnier, too, as though he hasn't eaten for days, because by the looks of it, he definitely hasn't slept.
"It's ok," he replies after looking over me.
"ALEX?" Michelle yells from outside. "Everything ok?!"
"Yeah, Mum!" he yells back. I blink a couple of times and move forward awkwardly to try and wipe the milk off his bare torso. Instead of it going anywhere, I just touch his hard abs. I blush and pull my hand away.
"It's fine," he repeats and I nod. He swallows and uses the dishcloth to wipe the mess off the ground and off him. He looks at me blankly as if asking what I'm still down there.
"Oh.. I-" I stutter. "I need breakfast."
"Do you want me to make you some?" he asks gruffly. I look at him in the eyes, which are dark blue, as though reflecting what he's feeling inside.
"No thank you," I say stiffly. He turns away and fixes a bowl of cereal again. I step into the kitchen and make myself some toast. While I'm waiting for my toast to toast in the toaster, I get myself a plate. I walk over to the fridge and grab the butter. I turn back around.
I bang straight into him. He reaches over my shoulder for the milk and I close my eyes, hoping he doesn't see me deliberately not looking at him. I hold my breath to stop his scent floating through my nose.
"Sorry," he whispers. I open my eyes. He's looking at me with so much pain on his face that I almost start crying again. My knees are wobbly as I walk back to the toaster and he watches me carefully.
Instead of eating downstairs as I planned, I head back upstairs.
Damn, if it's going to be this hard... how the hell am I going to survive?
***
When we hop on the plane, We're sitting in the same spot. We ignore each other for half of the plane trip and I plug my headphones in, managing to keep my eyes planted firmly out the window.
I accidentally turn around when the flight attendant comes around. I see his photos app open to the hundreds of pictures of us we took. When he notices me looking, he doubles taps the home screen and logs onto candy crush, embarrassed.
When we get off the plane, I hop straight in the car after offering a half-hearted goodbye the Collins', excluding Alex.
I collapse onto my bed when we get home, burying my face in the pillows and crying my heart out.... again.
___________________________________________________________________________
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-Abbey