《Aubrey》
"Dani, I had fun." Sabi ni Ziexel na nakangiti.
"Ako din. Tama ka nga, euphoria nga
naramdaman ko." I replied.
Nasa tapat na kami ng bahay ko. Di ako umalis sa pwesto ko. Somehow, di ako makapasok sa bahay. Pareho lang kaming nakatayo. Walang gumagalaw. Walang umiimik. Tahimik.
"I got to go." Tumingin ako kay Ziexel at mukhang nalulungkot siya dahil aalis siya. I was sad too pero hindi ko pinahalata. For some reason, gusto ko pa siya makasama.
"Okay, pasok na ko sa bahay." I said tas naglakad papunta sa may pintuan. Akmang bubuksan ko yung pinto ng biglang ihila ni Ziexel kamay ko. I bumped into his chest. What the eff? Bakit niya ko hinila?
"Wait. I forgot to do something." Sabi ni Ziexel, nakatitig lang sa 'kin.
"Ano y-"
All of a sudden, he kisses me out of nowhere.
"WHAT THE EFF?!" I exclaimed pagkagising ko. What kind of dream was that? Omg, did we really kissed? I touched my lips. Grabe, bat nararamdaman ko yung halik niya hala. Panaginip lang Yun Aubrey, panaginip. Hindi yun totoo. It was all a dream. Wala yun Aubrey.
Wala nga ba? Sabi ng utak ko. Ugh! Ano ba naman yan. Sa lahat ng panaginip, yung hinalikan talaga ako ni Ziexel? Di ko makalimutan hala. It felt so real. I shake my thoughts away. No, it's not real. It was just my mind making fictional stories in my head.
Pumunta ako sa banyo at naligo. After taking a bath, nagsipilyo ako.
"It was a dream Aubrey. Wala namang ibig sabihin yun. It was nonsense." I said to myself while looking at mirror, trying to convince myself na wala lang talaga yung dream kiss na yun.
"Grabe, nonsense na pala ako Aubrey." My mind said using Drew's voice.
"Shut up!" Sabi ko at nagmumog. Putek, nababaliw na ata ako. What the heck was happening to me. After kong punasan bibig ko, humiga ako sa kama at kinuha cellphone ko.
Nagbrobrowse ako ng tweets when I read this one tweet:
Wait what? Seryoso ka? Ganon ba yun? Di nagproprocess yung utak ko ang binasa ko. Andie Reyes is one of the top psychologists here sa Pilipinas and finollow ko siya along with her friend, Freya Mendoza, because they both tweet random things about dreams, since they both have studied oneirology, and our own psyche. Ito na ata ang pinakanakakalokang nabasa kong tweet sa kanya. Hindi naman siguro totoo ito 'no?
I immediately checked the replies to see kung may ibang experts na magsasabi na mali ito. Malay mo, si Freya, sabihin niya mali siya but when I read the replies, my jaw drops.
You're telling me my hidden feelings ako kay Ziexel? No way! Imposible. Hindi, hindi ito totoo. Umalis ako sa Twitter, trying to gather my thoughts. Sa Instagram na nga lang, I need to stop these thoughts.
Seryoso ka? Hanggang Instagram? Omg, tadhana what are you playing at? Naloloka ako sa thoughts ko ngayon. This is so frustrating.
I shake the thoughts away. Ano ba naman ito? Why are theses thoughts in my head? Wala lang yun Aubrey. It was only a dream. The posts mean nothing! Right?
Ugh, I can't get my head straight. Should I call Kourtney? Yeah, that's a good idea. Better yet, magkita na lang kami. It'd be good to talk about it. Baka mawala rin itong mga iniisip ko.
I messaged her immediately that we should meet up. Wala naman akong assignments ngayon. I'm sure natapos na rin yung school work niya.
Ugh, di ko masabi sa kanya here in text yung napaginipan ko. Pagnagkita na lang kami. It's Wednesday anyway, free day namin ngayon.
I knew it! Mabilis talaga sa chika si Kourtney. I laughed at the thought. I suddenly receive a message.
Tumayo ako sa kama at nag-ayos. Nagsuot ako ng high waisted jeans and brown sweater then tucked it in. Kinuha ko yung brown kong flats and bag. Nagsuot din ako ng belt para complete yung outfit ko. Naglagay ako ng konting tint sa lips and cheeks. I looked at the mirror. Mukha naman akong presentable.
Bumaba ako at nakitang naghahain si Ma for brunch. Late din siguro nagising Mama. She works from home so di siya worried kung malalate siya o hindi.
"Oh anak! Bakit ka nakaporma?" Gulat na tanong ni Ma nung nakita niya suot ko.
"Aalis ako Ma, magkikita kami ni Kourtney." Pagpapaalam ko.
She smiled briefly. "Nakakatuwa naman anak at lagi mo ng na kakasama si Kourtney. I'm glad you found a new friend."
Napangiti rin ako sa sinabi ni Mama. Tama nga siya. Nakakatuwa nga naman na I have a new friend I could talk too after everything I've been through. Beat that Monique!
Medyo napangiwi sa naisip ko. Still? Hanggang ngayon? You still affect me Monique? Para kang sugat na di gumagaling.
"Okay ka lang 'nak?" Sabi ni Ma with a worried look etched on her face. I snapped out of my reverie and smiled.
"Opo. Aalis na po ako."
"Sandali, di ka pa kumakain!" Sigaw ni Ma saktong palakad na kong papuntang pintuan.
"Dun na ko kakain Ma." Sabi ko at binuksan ang pinto.
"Mag-ingat ka anak ha! Enjoy your day!" Sigaw ulit ni Mama nung lumabas na ko.
Lumingon ako sa kanya. She waved and I gave her a flying kiss. Ngumiti ako sa kanya at pumasok sa sasakyan ko.
Muli kong inisip si Monique. Nakakalungkot talaga mawalan ng kaibigan. Naalala ko nga nung fresh pa sa 'kin lahat ng ito, tuwing nakakakita ako ng mga babaeng mag-besties, I can't help but feel jealous. Naalala ko yung times na we would play dress up then our mothers would be the judges of our outfits.
I shake my head. Tama na Aubrey. You have Kourtney now. I sighed and turned on the engine.
~*~
"YOU AND DREW KISSED?!" Kourtney exclaims loudly that people started looking around. That was embarrassing. Realizing na malakas boses ni Kourtney, she covers her mouth. She looks at me as if to say 'continue'
"Sa panaginip lang." I reasoned at kumain fried chicken. She looks at me, still dumbfounded.
"Are you sure panaginip lang yun? Hindi talaga nangyari kagabi tas napanaginipan mo lang?"
Nangyari ba talaga kagabi yun? I don't think so but then again, the kiss felt so real. Alam kong wala nangyari kagabi. I'm certain.
"Panaginip lang talaga siya Kourt. Nothing more."
Tumingin siya sa akin and crossed her arms. "Talaga lang ah Aubrey. If that's the case, why did you dream about it? At bakit naramdaman mo yung dream kiss na yun?"
I stare at her and opened my mouth but nothing comes out. Shucks, bakit nga ba?
"Di ko rin alam. What's frustrating too is that sabi ng mga psychologists sa Twitter is because I secretly had feelings for the person. Some quotes blog in Instagram also said the same thing. I mean -"
Kourtney cuts me off with her hand. Tumingin ako sa kanya. Confusion overload. Why did she stopped me?
"Bakit mo ko-"
"So based sa mga experts, you have hidden feelings for the person you kissed. Tama ba ako?"
I nodded slowly, trying to figure out what Kourtney was trying to say.
"So it means you have hidden feelings for Drew?" Magsasalita sana ako pero pinutolan ako ni Kourtney as she says, "Wait, bago ka pa magdeny. Experts believe this. Let me ask you. Do you have feelings for Drew? Honest na tanong Aubrey."
Di ako makasalita. Do I have feelings for Ziexel? As in? "N-no." I stutter. Ugh, bakit ako nag-stutter?
"May feelings ka kay Drew?" Kourtney asks in a surprise tone.
"No! Di pwede. Wala. I've just been in a relationship Kourtney. Imposible sinasabi mo." Nakahinga ako ng maluwag dahil nalabas ko yung gusto kong sabihin.
Kourtney still doesn't look convinced. "Are you sure about that Aubrey? Edi may feelings ka pa para sa ex mo?"
"That's preposterous Kourt. Bakit pa ko magkakaroon ng feelings sa ex ko? At pano mo nalaman na may ex ako?" Tanong ko bigla sa kanya. Di ko pa nasasabi kay Kourtney. Not yet. Not when it's still painful to even hear his name.
"Shunga! Kakasabi mo lang kanina na you were in a relationship." Kourtney rolls her eyes and laughs.
Hala tanga oo nga. I blush at the sudden realization of my stupidity. Kourtney keeps on laughing and pointing of how stupid I was. I blush profusely. Grabe Aubrey, lutang ka girl?
"Jusko Aubrey, di ako makahinga kakatawa." Kourtney says pagkatapos niyang humalakhak. I rolled my eyes and laughed a little.
"Anyways, balik tayo sa topic. So ano nga? May gusto ka pa sa ex mo o hindi?" Biglang seryosong sabi ni Kourt.
Nagulat ako sa biglang serious na atmosphere. Bipolar rin ata si Kourtney. Pareho sila ng pinsan niya. Natulala lang ako sa sinabi niya.
"Ano na Aubrey? Meron pa siguro 'no? Kaya tulala ka?"
"Ang bipolar niyong mag-pinsan." I suddenly blurt out. Ang ingay mo Aubrey jusko.
"Oo alam namin. So meron pa 'no?" Hala siya, ugh. Bakit paulit-ulit? Wala naman talaga. Ata.
"Wala." I say with tone of finality para hindi niya na ko kulitin. Kourtney doesn't look convinced though. Ano kaya iniisip niya?
"Meron pa 'no? Aubrey, di ka marunong magsinungaling. It's still obvious you have feelings for your ex kahit katiting lang. You can't possibly develop feelings for Drew then unless you are?"
"Kourtney, I don't have feelings for my ex and I'm not starting to have feelings for Drew. End of story." Wala akong feelings kay Ryder. Wala.
Pero bakit tuwing naalala ko yung mga masasakit na salita na sinabi niya sa akin, nadudurog puso ko?
Kourtney sighs and says, "Aubrey. It's okay to still have feelings for your ex. Iba-iba tayo ng pacing in moving-on. Minsan, akala mo wala na pero meron pa. You just have to accept it. Accepting that kahit gaano ka niya sinaktan, he was still a part of your life. Di mo siya biglang matatanggal hanggang hindi mo pa rin tanggap na naging parte siya ng buhay mo. Kahit papaano, napasaya ka niya. Don't blame yourself for still having feelings for him kasi ganon talaga. Hindi minamadali ang letting go ng isang chapter sa buhay mo."
Natulala lang ako sa sinabi ni Kourt. Sapul lahat ng sinabi niya. Maybe, I was in denial. My heart is still broken. Tama si Kourtney, I still have feelings for Ryder. It's frustrating to accept pero I do.
Hindi ko namalayan na tumutulo luha ko. Tadhana, bakit? Bakit kailangan ko masaktan ng ganito? Wala na si Ryder. Wala na rin si Monique. Wala na si Papa. Wala na yung favorite person ko. I feel so small. Lahat ng naramdaman ko nung nagmukmok ako, bumabalik.
"Huy, wag kang umiyak." Sabi ni Kourtney bigla at nilapitan ako. She hugged me tight. I hugged her back and sobbed. Nakakahiya man pero di ko na kaya. Ang hirap pala magkunwaring okay ka.
"Iyak ka lang. Lilipas din ito. Unti-unting mawawala yung sakit Aubrey."
Kumalas ako sa yakap and wiped my tears. Ngumiti ako kay Kourtney. Buti talaga na kilala ko si Kourt. I have someone who I know will always be here for me. I'm happy to call her a friend.
"Thank you Kourtney. I still have trust issues pero iniintindi mo pa rin ako. Salamat na kahit papaano, nakilala kita." Sinabi ko sa kanya.
She looks at me na parang naiiyak. "Ano ba Aubrey! Walang anuman. Salamat din. Tahan na ha?" I nodded.
She hugged me again at bumalik sa pwesto niya kanina. Somehow, gusto ko na sabihin sa kanya lahat nangyari. "Kourtney?"
"Yes?" Sabi niya at uminom ng softdrinks.
"I'm ready to tell you. Everything. How my best friend and ex betrayed me. How I met Drew."
I was ready. I'm ready to tell her all the things that made me cry for the past few weeks. I'm ready to share my pain. I know na pagsinabi ko lahat ng ito, gagaan kahit papaano nararamdaman ko dahil lahat ng naipon kong nararamdaman, nasabi ko na. I may have shared some things with Ziexel, iba pa rin pag shinare ko sa kaibigan kong babae.
"Are you sure Aubrey? Di ko naman kailangan malaman eh. Basta andito ako para sayo." Sabi niya na nag-aalala. I smiled at her weakly.
"Kaya ko Kourtney. Lahat ng naipon kong nararamdaman, masasabi ko na. It might lift some weight off my shoulders."
"Okay, spill." Sabi niya, looking ready to listen.
Kwinento ko lahat sa kanya. From when I woke up to the funeral. Kwinento ko rin yung nangyari nung time na yung first class ko kasama ko si Monique.
Hindi ko aakalain na ikwekwento ko ang lahat ng ito ng madalian. I was right. The burden of carrying such pain somehow lifted off my shoulders. Di ko alam kung matutuwa ako o hindi.
"Gosh Aubrey, that sucks. I can't imagine what you felt. Ang malas naman ng araw mo. Birthday mo pa naman." Sabi ni Kourtney nung kwinento ko na lahat.
Ngumiti ako ng konti. "Ayun nga eh. Di ko rin alam kung ano gagawin ko. Hanggang ngayon nga, masakit pa rin eh."
"Alam mo Aubrey, don't worry. Me and Drew are always here for you okay?"
"Thank you talaga." I replied. I was genuinely grateful na may kaibigan ako tulad nila. It made forget the whole dream fiasco. Baka wala lang talaga yun. Imagination lang.
Bigla kong naalala. May ikwekwento si Kourtney diba? "May ikwekwento ka rin diba?" I suddenly asked.
Mukhang nag-buffering utak ni Kourt at sinabi "Ha?"
"You said it text. May ikwekwento ka rin."
"Ahhhh yun! Well..." She stops mid-sentence. Ano meron?
"What was it?" Pilit ko.
"The thing is, napaginipan ko rin yung hinalikan mo si Drew. I don't know why too. I was there in the car tas nasa labas kayo ng bahay mo then nagulat ako na you kissed."
Wait what? Pareho kami ng napaginipan? Ang weird what the heck.
"Seryoso?" Sabi ko.
"Oo, kaya nga tinatanong kita if you have feelings for Drew eh kasi pareho tayo ng panaginip."
Ako naman yung nag-buffering. Ang weird ng tadhana talaga. Bakit pareho namin napaginipan yun?
"Anyways, enough about Drew kasi mukhang mababaliw ka na kakaisip. I know! Mag-shopping tayo! Libre ko!" Aya ni Kourtney bigla.
Shopping? Libre? Parang nagising ako bigla pero parang ayoko naman ubusin pera ni Kourtney.
"Come on, Aubrey! Okay lang sa'kin promise. My treat."
Who am I to deny a treat?
"Sige!" I enthusiastically replied.
Tumayo kami pareho at pumunta sa may H&M. Malaki pa naman H&M dito sa UP Town Center.
"Omg look at that dress! Bagay sayo yun!" Kourtney exclaims nung pumasok kami. Nakita niya yung suot ng mannequin and she was right. Ang ganda ng dress.
Tinignan namin yung rack ng dress na iyon. Sakto, may size ako. Kukunin ko na sana ng may humablot din sa damit na yun.
Pareho kaming napatingin ni ate girl.
We stare at each other, both surprised.