With a heavy heart, nagpatuloy ako sa pag-aayos ng mga gamit sa backpack ko. I sighed. Uuwi na kami mamayang tanghali. It's just 5am but we were told na mag-ayos na ng gamit dahil didiretso na kami pabalik ng Maynila after naming magswimming sa resort.
I had fun sa party kagabi. I can't deny that. But I just can't fully be happy because of what I found out. It is hard to pretend that all is well, when in fact I am in a turmoil.
But who am I to ask for more. Who am I to feel jealous and feel possessive of him? We're just friends. I know that. But my heart can't seem to grasp the fact that there's no chance that we could be more than that.
"Guys tara na raw. Para maabutan daw natin 'yung sunrise. At saka 'yung kape pala ni Manong, padala na rin." Rica said pagkapasok niya sa kwarto. Probably it was a message from her mom.
Nagmadali na kami sa paggayak at pagkatigil na pagkatigil ng van sa resort, everyone stormed out of the vehicle, and then ran like Naruto to the beach. Napailing na lang ako. Mga uhaw talaga sa dagat 'tong mga 'to. Langoy na langoy na.
"Oh bakit hindi ka tumakbo?"
Napalingon ako sa likod ko then I saw Carter with his teasing smile. Then there goes Vina coming towards us. I just smiled.
"Tingin mo naman kasing sabik niyo kong maligo. Excuse me, lagi akong naliligo, so there's no need to be excited. Unlike you guys, 'di siguro kayo naliligo."
Carter was about to answer but Kayla shouted from a distance.
"Manahimik ka, Ja! Alam kong madalang kang maligo dahil lagi mo kong chi-na-chat na hindi ka pa naliligo kasama ng mukha mong oily!"
"Kayla! How dare you! Secret lang 'yung mga photos na 'yun!" I shouted back at her.
Nagtatakbo si Kayla papuntang dagat dahil alam niyang sasaktan ko siya. And of course, my remaining friends who overheard the conversation just laughed. I just laughed, too. Gotta enjoy the remaining hours here in the province, because surely the stress in Metro as we go back to school tomorrow will be drastic again.
We eventually followed the others sa beach. We just watched the sunrise and seriously, it was so beautiful. I took a single photo then decided to just enjoy the moment.
Napalingon ako sa gilid ko and I can't stop to smile as my friends were also mesmerized by the beauty of it.
I stole a glance from Carter.
But he was busy stealing a glance from Vina who is busy taking a photo of the sunrise. Carter was about to tuck a loose strand of her hair, but I already looked away.
The sunrise is so beautiful to the point that I don't want it to be ruined by my nonsense jealousy. I just brushed it off then smiled, even though my heart feels like being whipped.
Everyone enjoyed swimming. I just smiled watching them. 'Di pa ako sumusunod sa kanila dahil mas gusto kong kumuha muna ng mga pictures. The beach, the sky, the sand, and the smiles of my friends, they are all breathtaking.
I just took a shot of everything. Minsan lang kaming makumpleto sa isang gala. And I can't help myself but to take a picture of it. I really never expected to have these people in my life.
I don't even know what would I do if I haven't met them. I just can't imagine how sad and lonely would I be.
"Oh hindi ka pa rin naliligo?"
Without even looking, I know it's Carter. Kaming dalawa lang ang nasa dalampasigan dahil lahat nagtatampisaw sa dagat.
"Ah maya-maya na muna." I said without even looking at him. I still focused my eyes on the breathtaking view in front of me. I muster all my strength to stop myself from glancing at him.
I know I couldn't have him. And it's frustrating the heck out of me that he is this close to me, to the point our arms are touching, but he is still unreachable. Because even though we are physically close, his heart is somewhere there, maybe with someone in the ocean right now? in Manila? I don't know anymore.
But one thing is for sure.
It is not with me.
"Haynako. Akin na nga 'yang camera mo." He said while reaching for the camera in my hands.
At last, I was able to look at him. He is now in his swimming attire. How easy for guys to just remove their shirts and now it is a swimming attire. Napakadaya.
"You know what they say, na kung sino pa 'yung may camera, sila pa 'yung walang picture sa camera nila." He was saying that while there's a crease in his forehead.
"Come on, stand there. I'll take a picture of you. Dali na." He said then dragged me to the spot he was referring to when I didn't even move after his command.
"Smile!"
I smiled. I am not sure if I look tolerable on the photo, but the good thing is I own the camera, and if ever, I can delete it later.
"Magswimming ka muna. I'll take care of your camera." He paused for awhile then continued when he saw how disinterested am I, "Sige na. Kung hindi ka pa pupunta do'n ako mismo babasa sa'yo."
"Yes, sir. Pupunta na po." I said as a sign of retreat. Sometimes I forget that this guy is so persistent.
He smiled. "Good."
After an hour we were called for breakfast by Tita Meryl. Another big meal incoming.
"Bos! Paabot naman ng baso." Sabi ko nang bigla akong makaramdam ng uhaw.
"Palagyan na rin ng tubig."
"Sheka lhang." Punong-puno ng pagkain 'yung bibig niya habang nagsasalita. He wasn't able to get water right away dahil marami siyang pagkaing hawak kanina. Haynako napaka-PG.
Before Bos can even do my favor, I saw a hand in my left giving a glass of water. It was Carter. I mouthed thanks then drank the water.
After eating, nagpahinga lang ako saglit then decided to take a bath in the washroom to rinse the sea water and some sand from my body. The sun is starting to be scorching hot so hindi na ako bumalik, unlike some of my friends.
After kong magbihis dumiretso ako sa isang open cottage where Kayla, Vina, Carter, Colt, and Rica is hanging around. They were sitting in a straight line, overlooking towards the sea.
Nagtatawanan sila then I joined in. Nagkwentuhan lang kami at asaran do'n. Tinatawanan nila si Bos na sa sobrang kapayatan daw eh muntik nang tangayin ng alon. I mean, tinatawanan namin. Sorry, Bos. Mahal ka namin.
It turns out, kami palang pala ni Carter ang nakakapagbanlaw at bihis. One-by-one, Vina and the others left the cottage. Naiwan lang ako at si Carter. Nandoon din pala sa likod na upuan ng cottage si Colt with Alex, maybe talking about girls, or alcohol or whatever it is.
While me, I'm just staring at the sky. It is a clear blue sky. No sign of any cloud. It is so peaceful to look at, along with the calm waves of the sea.
"Did you know..."
I was awaken from the trance that the beautiful scenery has put me into when Carter spoke. I looked at him, but his eyes are staring straight to the sea.
I followed his gaze, then stared in the open sea as he continued what he was saying.
"Did you know that one of the good comebacks against the flat-earthers is the horizon?"
I creased my forehead then smiled in disbelief. Carter is nerding out again. I hate to admit that this weird trait of him is my favorite side of him. Magugulat ka na lang he was talking about Science or Societal or Political shts. Kahit pang ganitong tahimik kayo, o ang topic niyo ay tungkol sa aso na mapupunta kung saan.
The way his mind always wanders off to somewhere then constantly think out loud is probably why he got me head over heels for him. I smiled at the thought of that.
I didn't answer him.
"Just by looking at that horizon, you can clearly see how the lines at the end is curving. It is not straight, it is curving. One of the many proofs that Earth is not flat," he stopped for a moment then continued, " I don't know why those flat-earthers continue to fool themselves, continue to believe what they want to believe if there are already many evidences in front of thm. Meron na ngang picture of the planet taken in the outer space, yet they continue to blurt out shits."
I laughed how he was so passionate with his rants. As if the flat-earthers can hear him.
"Sorry." I said while still laughing. "It's just that you are nerding out again."
Umiling lang siya sa akin at maliit na napangiti.
"Ever wonder what's at the end?" He asked referring to the horizon, to what is at the end of this seems like an unending body of water.
" I don't know. Maybe more water? an island?" I said trying to think of other answer.
But I guess he wasn't listening.
"Ever wonder what would happen as I go home later?" He said, then I remembered that he joined us here in Zambales without even asking for his parents' permission. They had some arguments before we went here yesterday. And being here is his way of running away from his problem at home, a problem he'll eventually face later, at the end of the day.
"Nakausap mo na ba mama mo?"
"Hindi pa. I can't talk to her. But I talked to Charles. Mom is mad. Dad doesn't want my presence. I don't know if I still want to go home."
I just continued listening to him.
"You know, my dad always says that I will never amount to something. Then my mom told me that I should have been in the military. 'Yung pinsan ko kasi nandon, at kumikita na. Para naman may kwenta ako. You know that I love my mom. She is my refuge whenever Dad is trashing me. But there are times that mama tell me shits like that, too. Sabi niya mas okay daw na nagsundalo na lang ako, edi sana raw kung mamatay man ako, may makukuha pa silang pera."
My heart sank for him. I know that his relationship with his dad has always been rough. His stories about how his dad always make him feel useless is not new. We all know how he is struggling at home.
"I know it is hard. And I honestly don't know what to tell you. But I want to tell you that I always see you being successful. Carter, if you only know kung gaano ako kabilib sa'yo in many aspects. You've got the weirdest yet best ideas, and I know how much you love your family despite everything. One day, I'm telling you, you will really make your dad proud, and he will eat everything he said how that you will not amount to something."
"I don't know if I can make you feel better, but at least I am here, we are here, your friends. We believe in your capabilities. Someday your family will see that, too. But for now, I'm telling you, I... we... we believe in you. I swear, believe me when I say you have so many potentials. Bro, I would kill just to have your confidence and your communication skills." I chuckled a little.
We were silent for few seconds when I glanced at him. Nanlalaki 'yung mga mata ko nang makita ko siyang umiiyak. Agad niyang pinunasan nang maramdaman niyang nakatingin na ako sa kanya.
Maybe this is the curse of a beautiful scenery. It makes you feel so reflective and you won't even realize you are already crying.
"Hey..." I trailed off, thinking of what should I tell him.
I decided against it, but it seems like my arms have its own life, but I hugged him. I hugged him and told him that it's okay to cry it all out.
His tears just fell down silently, and I hugged him until I decided to stop. Baka ma-awkward-an siya. At natakot din ako, natakot ako na marinig niyang sobrang lakas ng kabog ng dibdib ko.
I just stared at him while he was trying to compose himself. His tears just kept on flowing so I hugged him again, regardless of the small voice in my head saying that I am being so masochist, offering myself to be a tissue to cry on, to be trashed afterwards. But regardless of that, he is still a friend. Kaya kahit na masakit sa puso ko na hindi naman ako ang nasa puso niya pero ako ang nagpapakalma sa kanya ngayon, pinagpatuloy ko. Niyakap ko siya at hinayaang umiyak sa balikat ko.
Kahit na alam kong balikat ko ang nandito, pero ibang balikat ang nasa isip niya na sana nandito.
My heart is already aching and I'm praying na sana dumating na 'yung iba.
Then isa-isa silang dumating. I removed my arms around him and tried to make him laugh by telling our friends that I made him cry by telling him that I am a flat-earther.
The tears are still there, but I'm happy that he was able to make a small smile with what I have said.
On the way home, everyone was so tired that they were all asleep in an instant. Well, except me and probably Carter who can't seem to find the proper position para makatulog na siya.
It's a good thing that he is kinda okay now. But I think it is just for show. In an hour or so he would be facing his family. And I believe he is so anxious now.
I was busy fiddling with my phone nang biglang maglikot si Carter na akala ko tulog na kanina, at biglang humiga sa lap ko.
I was shocked and wasn't able to react right away.
"Pahiga lang. 'Di ako makatulog eh." Sabi niya habang nakapikit at ang dalawang mahahabang hita ay ipinatong niya sa hita ni Bos sa kabilang side, na ikinagalit naman nito.
Napailing na lang ako.
Sa susunod ko na lang siguro ililigtas 'yung sarili ko sa pagkalunod. Sa ngayon, okay lang naman maging salbabida niya.
I was taken aback when he hold my hand then dragged it to his hair.
"Brush my hair."
So demanding.
But if it is his demand, I'll gladly do it. I am a fool like that.
Kahit alam kong may iba siyang gusto, hinayaan ko na lang i-enjoy 'yung pakiramdam ko ngayon. I'll pretend that we're in a relationship. Kunwari boyfriend ko tong natutulog sa lap ko at nagpapa-brush ng buhok.
Just the idea about that gives the butterflies in my stomach.
I was awaken from my daydream when I heard a click.
It was Bos, taking a photo of me, with Carter on my lap. Pinanlakihan ko siya ng mata.
"Ayaw mo 'yun, remembrance." sabi niya nang may pang-aasar. Obviously, he knows my feelings for Carter. Alam naman ata ng lahat, except sa lalaking 'to, na sana ay tulog nga at hindi narinig ang sinabi ni Bos.
I tried to shift from my position since medyo nangangalay na ako.
"Ngalay ka na 'no?" Bos asked. Apparently, kami lang 'yung gising.
"Yeah."
"Gisingin mo na."
"'Wag na, kawawa naman. Nagreready pa 'to para mamaya. Wala na 'tong bahay 'di ba?" I jokingly asked. Inasar-asar na rin kasi siya ng tropa kanina na maiwan na tutal di daw siya papapasukin sa bahay nila. Ewan ko ba bakit ganito 'yung humor sa grupo na 'to, e.
And I said that dahil alam kong gising na siya. Para isipin niyang dahil lang do'n kaya ko siya hinahayaan sa kandungan ko.
Pero alam ko sa loob-loob ko, umaasa ako na sana kung makita niya na kung paano ako mag-alala at kung paano ako handang magtiis sa kanya, eh biglang maging ako na ang laman ng puso niya.
Sa loob-loob ko sumisigaw ako, na ako 'yung nandito sa tabi mo palagi, sa tuwing kailangan mo ng bisig na yayakap sa'yo, ng kandungan na pwede mong higaan pag pagod ka na.
Kung pwede lang sana isumbat lahat.
Kung pwede lang sanang sabihin na nasaan na 'yang mahal mong hindi ako? Bakit ako 'tong sumasalo sa'yo? Bakit ako 'tong nagpapatigil ng luha mo? Bakit ako 'tong nag-iisip ng paraan para guminhawa ka?
Nasaan ba siya?
Bakit ako 'tong kasama mo sa hirap? Pero siya sa sarap? Sa ligaya? Sa magaang pakiramdam?
Bakit ako 'yung patuloy na lumalangoy para masalba ka? Tapos pagkatapos kitang isalba siya ang diretso mo? Habang ako... habang ako 'yung patuloy na nalulunod.
A single tear escaped my eye, pero pinunasan ko rin agad. Malampasan ko lang 'tong araw na 'to. Pangako. Ayoko na.
Nang makarating kami sa Manila, inaway ko pa si Carter bago ako umuwi. Paano bumakat 'yung buhok niya sa hita ko dahil nakapalda lang ako. It is full with red lines tuloy. So much for wearing a skirt, so much for having a sensitive skin, and so much for being a masochist.
After I took a shower when I got home, I received a text message.
It was Carter.
Carter
Ja, I just want to thank you about kanina. It has been a long time since someone consoled me personally. I just want to let you know that I really, really appreciate you. Good night. :)
I was too hurt to even reply.
Carter, you can appreciate everyone.
But you can only love one.
It wasn't your appreciation that I want.
It was your love.
But I guess I would never be that one.
My tears can't stop from flowing when my phone vibrated again.
Carter
And before I forgot, about what we talked about last night. I just want to clarify things. I like Vina but I love someone else. I am going to confess to that someone soon. Just wait for me. ;)
Natigilan ako.
I should wait for him? For w-what?