Chapter 10
I keep on praying while I was traveling back to Zamboanga. I isolated myself from my co-teachers and even the chairman himself to mumble a little prayer for the safety of the kids and their families.
Ipinikit ko nang mariin ang mga mata. Terrorism had always been a problem but I never thought it would get this worse. And the kids...
Sa tuwing naiisip ko kung gaano sila katakot ngayon ay parang pinupunit ang puso ko sa sakit. They must be really terrified by now. What happened to them was very traumatic and I can only hope that their fear wouldn't turn into rebellion against their God, regardless of what religion they might belong.
"Parvana..."
Napaigtad ako at napalingon kay Chairman Fresco. He was in a very important conference when the incident happened. He is very calm in this situation but I know and I can see it in his eyes that he's blaming himself for what happened. He said he should've been there. Maybe it would make a difference.
Maybe it could. Maybe it couldn't. The fact that there were teachers who were injured and some of my students died... hindi ko pa rin iyon matanggap.
"I'm sorry. I know you're trying to be strong. We'll be in Mampang in no time."
I took a shaky breath and nodded. Ni hindi ko magawang tumbasan ang ngiti niya, kahit peke pa ito. The journey is making me dizzy. I could hear the phone calls from my other teachers, their worried voices floating around the room, and the soft sobs for the loss of the innocent people who got involved in the incident.
"Thank you, Chairman." I mumbled and excused myself out.
Habang pinagmamasdan ko ang naglalahong puno at mga bahay ay naramdaman ko ang pag-vibrate ng cellphone sa bulsa. My heart pounded. It must be Zeus. I bet by now he'd discovered that I ditched him at his show.
Nanginginig ang mga kamay kong kinuha ang cellphone at nakitang si Zoey ang tumatawag. I hesitated for a bit before I answered her call.
"Zoey—"
"What the hell is going on, Parvana?" she fired as soon as I accepted the call. "Where are you?"
"Didn't Tita Linda tell you? I'm on my way back to Zamboanga. Something bad happened to the kids."
"Alam mo bang halos magwala na si Zeus dito nang bigla kang mawala?"
I pressed my eyes close. Yes. I can imagine he does.
"Parvana!"
"Let him be mad at me, Zoey." I said silently. "I want him to be mad."
"Mad? What are you talking about?"
"Look, there's so many things that I needed to tell you but right now... right now I just have to get to them as soon as I can. I lost some of my students, Zoey. My kids." I said in a shaky voice. I swallowed the lump in my throat and tried to continue without breaking down. "You know how much I love them, right?"
"Mahal ka din ni Zeus, Parvana." She reminded me in a softer voice.
"I know." Tuluyan nang tumulo ang mga luha ko. I just realized how bad of a decision maker I am until I am facing the consequences now. My taking my hijab off, showing up at his face after ten long years, and now disappearing again because I have to... it was all a part and parcel of a big, tragic mistake.
"Please... please, call him, okay? Nag-aalala sa iyo ang tao. Kulang nalang ay ibalibag niya sa galit ang equipment sa backstage kanina nang bigla kang mawala."
"I will."
"And Parvana?"
"Yes?"
"If there's something you want to tell me... do tell. I am your friend." I heard her took a deep breath from the other line. "I mean, what food is a friend if you can't confide in me with your problems?"
"I will remember that, Zoey."
"You're probably hesitating to open up with me because even I don't open up with you about Wanda's father."
"What?" I placed my free hand on the window sill and stared blankly at the ranges of mountains from a distance. "That's not true, Zoey. I respect your privacy, is all."
Ilang segundong katahimikan ang sumalubong sa akin. "I guess I wasn't being a god friend to you these past few years, huh?"
"Zoey..."
"No, no. It's okay." May pait na sa kaniyang boses ngayon. "You focus on getting to Zamboanga as safe as you can and check up on your students. Call Zeus as soon as you're there. He's annoying and a cussing machine but he is precious to me, Parvana. Ayokong nagkakasakitan lang kayong dalawa."
"I will, Zoey. Thank you." I whispered softly.
Iilang paalala pa ang sinabi niya sa akin bago nagtapos ang aming tawag. Realizing how exhausted I was, I plopped down on the plush seat and stared at my phone's screen.
Instead of following my friend's advice, I turned my phone off instead and shove it inside of my bag.
Ilang beses na akong kinumbinse ni Chairman Fresco na matulog na muna at magpahinga upang may lakas ako pagdating namin sa Zamboanga pero hindi ko magawa. I am very restless throughout the ride. I couldn't sit still and I keep on worrying about the kids.
I was one of the first who almost jumped out of the van as soon as we arrived at the village. Kitang-kita pa rin ang komosyon sa mga tao. Rinig na rinig ko ang iyak ng mga bata at hikbi ng mga ina.
Everywhere I looked, there was sorrow. Mothers sobbing at the loss of their children, fathers with murderous eyes who swore to kill the terrorists who attacked their village, and volunteers who are struggling to keep a stoic face as they continue to deliver relief goods.
I immediately went to the bangca classroom and was devastated when I saw that it was ruined. The walls are shattered and there were traces of blood everywhere. My student's artworks were burned and some are floating in the water. Blood painted the wall of tragedy that had occurred just a few hours ago. As I stood in the middle of the classroom, I can't help but weep.
My knees are buckling as I reached for a ripped piece of paper. I instantly recognized it as one of my best student's drawing, Yna, who presented me a masterpiece when I only asked for a doodle.
Nanlalabo ang mga mata kong nakatingin sa punit na papel. I took a deep breath and gently placed it on the table. Iginala ko ang paningin sa paligid. I could never imagine how scared they were. They're just kids. They're not used to seeing guns and seeing blood and all that violence.
"Parvana...?"
Napalingon ako kay Teacher Maggie na biglang sumulpot sa pintuan. Namumugto ang mga mata niya't mapuputla ang mga labi. Sinalubong ko siya ng yakap at hindi napigilang humikbi.
"Anong nangyari?"
Dama ko ang pag-iling niya. I sobbed harder. I loved my kids more than I love my own life and the loss of them... all of a sudden...
"I should've been here..." I murmured.
Mabilis na umiling si Teacher Maggie at kumalas sa akin. "No, no. It's okay. God knows what could've happened to you if you were here. Mabuti at wala ka dito nang mangyari ang..." pumiyok ang boses niya. she quickly wiped her tears away and nodded towards the wrecked door. "Tara na. May gagawin pa tayo."
For the next few days, we were all busy treating wounds and trying to rebuild the houses that were destroyed during the attack. We received funds from the government and the incident occupied the headlines of newspapers for a couple of days. Hanggang ngayon ay hindi pa rin nadadakip ang may kagagawan nito. But they are clearly sending a message that if the government doesn't give them what they want, they will continue attacking the weak and the innocent.
"I've been thinking..." Chairman Fresco removed the eyeglasses from the bridge of his nose and wiped the lenses with his own hanky. Nakatungo siya at halos hindi makatingin sa amin. "To send you all guys home."
Umakyat kaagad ang protesta sa bibig ko. Bago pa man ako makapagsalita ay inunahan na ako ni Chairman. Kalmado at mahinahon ang boses niya pero may bahid pa rin ito ng pait dulot ng trahedya.
"I used up all the money on the foundation to donate and help the victims. They need everything they can to survive after the incident. Food, shelter, clothes... and safety. The Cartwheel Foundation is officially bankrupt. Which means, if you continue working for this foundation, we can no longer provide your salaries. And you're not gonna work under our name. You're going to be a volunteer. That is..." he trailed off and shrugged. "If you stay."
"I'll stay." Maagap kong tugon.
Napatingin sa akin ang iilan kong mga kasamahan. I pulled myself up ad lifted my chin to meet the gaze of the chairman. "I'll stay in this foundation no matter what."
"Parvana, I know the kids are very close to you but as I said earlier, we cannot fund you anymore—"
"I don't need the funds, Chairman."
"Yes, you do!" matigas niyang wika. Napaigtad ako. "What about your medical bills? The treatment?"
I clamped my mouth shut and stared at him.
"Look..." kumalma siya nang makita ang reaksyon ko. "If you really want to help them, then don't kill yourself by staying here any longer. What this country needs is peace, Parvana. But we all know that it is next to impossible. So we do whatever we can to teach the kids despite how cruel the world could be."
"Still, I make my own decisions. And whatever time I have left on this world, I will volunteer and I will teach." I said firmly.
When he heard the determination in my voice, Chairman Fresco plopped down on his seat and shook his head.
"You'll come to your senses soon, Parvana."
"This is what Allah would want me to do, Chairman Fresco. I highly doubt it."
Mag-isa ako sa kwarto at nakatitig sa kisame. My legs and arms are sore. My head is spinning a bit and earlier, I emptied my stomach after lunch, leaving me starving now.
Nakatitig lang ako sa kisame. It's been weeks since the tragedy happened. Sa loob ng ilang linggo ay wala akong ginawa kundi magtrabaho. My phone went missing and I didn't even bother to look for it for I was so focused on helping the kids and their families. Last week, inilibing namin ang mga nasawi. I think I might've cried myself dry because I didn't shed a single tear at the funeral. But every second that I was standing there, watching my own students being buried six feet underground, it was like dying.
Mararahas na katok ang pumukaw sa atensyon ko. Napalingon ako sa saradong pinto. May gaspang at rahas sa bawat katok na para bang naiirita at mukhang gigibain na ang kahoy na pinto sa pagdaan ng oras. I sat up on bed and frowned, hesitating if I should open the door.
Nag-aalangan pa akong lumapit sa pintuan. There is no peep hole, so I can't see who's on the other side of the door. Sighing to myself, I slowly opened it. Inilapit ko ang mukha sa siwang ng pinto at bago pa man makapagsalita ay bigla nalang itong itinulak ng malalakas na kamay.
I jumped back, startled. The night wind blew. From the shadows, a tall figure stepped inside the room, looking so grim and so dark with his cold eyes. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko sa nakita.
"Vincenticus..."
I stared at him. I've never seen him look like this in my entire life. He looked like... like a complete mess. His hair is messy and his eyes are painted with fatigue with dark circles and strained lines around. His lips are dry and unsmiling. His clothes are wrinkled, as if he didn't have much time to put two and two together.
As if he fled his way over here from the other part of the world.
Or maybe he did.
"Zeus..." napaatras ako nang tuluyan siyang pumasok at binalibag ang pinto. Hindi pa siya nagsasalita pero ramdam na ramdam ko na ang galit niya. He stared at me coldly as he dropped his duffel bag to the floor.
"Talk." He said in a low and dangerous voice.
"What...?"
"Talk, Naia." Pag-uulit niya sa kalmadong boses. Ganunpaman ay nangangamba pa rin ako. Lalo na ngayong nakatitig siya sa akin. I knew he would come after what I did but I never knew it was so soon.
"I...uh..."
"You left while I was in the middle of performance and I got angry. When I learned the reason why, I got over it because I know how much the kids means to you. But not answering my calls? My texts? For weeks?"
Hindi ako nakasagot kaagad. I stared at him with tears blurring my eyes.
"I didn't know if you're doing fine fleeing into a terrorist-infested place, helping people while I'm on the other fucking side of the world! Do you know how it makes me feel?"
"Zeus..." halos pakiusap ko na sa kaniya.
"You disappeared for ten long years, you showed up again, and now you're doing this? What the hell?"
I took a shaky breath. Pinisil-pisil ko ang mga daliri.
"Naia..." Zeus said in a low voice.
"I'm sorry." I murmured.
"I need you to tell me. Huwag mo akong babaliwin nang ganito."
"I know, I know. It was my fault, Zeus. I never called, I never answered your texts, and it was so rude of me to leave you when I just had promised you that I will always be there, standing in the backstage, whenever you turn to me for strength."
"Then what happened?" he stared at me. He raked a frustrated hand through his hair and cursed under his breath. "What the fuck happened?"
"I want you to be angry with me." I confessed.
Imbes na maintindihan ay mas lalo lang naguluhan si Zeus. "What?"
Ipinikit ko nang mariin ang mga mata at bumuga ng isang malalim na buntong-hininga. "I want you to be angry with me, Vincenticus."
"Why?"
"Because... because I didn't know what else to do. I just want you to be angry and leave me alone."
"Fuck." He laughed bitterly and almost punched the wall beside him. I swallowed a shriek when I saw him clench and unclench his fists, as if he couldn't contain his anger any longer. "Fucking hell."
"I waited for you for ten damn years and you just tell me to leave you alone?" nagtitimpi niyang wika sa akin. His eyes are red and hot with anger. Tumutulo din ang kaniyang pawis at mabilis ang pagtaas-baba ng kaniyang balikat. "What kind of a game is this, Parvana Naia?"
But he didn't raise his voice. I don't know if I should be more scared with how careful he is with me right now.
"Zeus..." napaiyak na ako.
"Please tell me... tell me every fucking thing. Nababaliw na ako kakaisip kung ano ba talaga ang nangyayari. Kung gusto mo ba talaga ako o pinapaasa mo lang ako. Last time I check, we broke each other's heart but are you that angry with me to destroy mine?"
"It's not like that..." I sobbed. "I made a mistake."
Ihinilamos ko ang palad sa mukha. My co-teachers would be here by now to ask me for dinner in the hall but I couldn't care less. Iyak lang ako nang iyak sa harapan ni Zeus.
"I really don't understand what you're doing..." he said weakly.
"I..." I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself. If I'm going to tell him right now what really is going on, I need to clear my head. "I am sorry, Zeus..."
"For what? For leaving me like that because you know that no matter how many times you leave I'll keep on searching for you? Chasing you? Or for breaking both our hearts and keeping all your secrets to yourself when I offered all of me to you? Pick one." He said bitterly.
Napailing ako. "No..." nanginginig ang mga kamay kong ipinasada ang mga daliri sa buhok. I paced back and forth. "No... it's nothing like that."
"Then tell me what the hell is going on—"
"I have liver cancer, Vincenticus." Sa matigas ngunit nanginginig na boses kong wika. "Stage three. Liver cancer."
Natahimik siya at tulalang nakatitig sa akin. When he remained quiet, I licked my lower lips and continued talking.
"Arsenic poisoning. During the volunteer period, we were assigned to a village near a mining area and I was exposed to the chemicals more than anyone else. I didn't know back then that I have such weak immune system, what with my mother dying of a cancer and my father having a history of heart attack. The chemicals poisoned my body little by little and before I knew it, I have tumors in my liver. Right now."
Hindi pa rin siya kumikibo. He just stared at me with a blank expression on his face.
"I... I tried to be strong. For the kids. I was doing it for them. The doctor said I still could survive but he was also very frank with my survival rate. That's why I..."
"That's why you took your hijab and showed yourself to me after ten long years." He replied in a flat voice.
"Yes..."
"Fucking hell."
"I know. Selfish, right? I thought I was doing it for the both of us. I thought I was doing the right thing. It was very hard to me to turn my back on Allah, Zeus. But I was running out of time... and I so, so badly want to see you..."
Malutong na mura ang pinakawalan niya.
"I'm sorry... I'm sorry. I know you were moving on with your life. Dapat ay hindi na ako nagpakita pa. I made things complicated. Nagpa-awa ako sa iyo kasi sobrang mahal na mahal kita. I just wanted to experience how it's like to be loved by you without anyone to judge us... ilang araw lang yun, Zeus."
"Are you saying that if it weren't for that... for that disease, then you've no plans of showing yourself to me?" he asked painfully.
"I'm sorry..." hikbi ko. I never knew saying the truth would hurt this much. Mas lalo pa akong napahagulhol. "I didn't know what else to do. I was desperate and alone and lonely... and scared..." ibinulong ko ang huling parte ng aking sinabi.
"Wow." He chuckled in a shaky voice. Namumula ang sulok ng kaniyang mga mata. "I don't know what to say."
"You don't have to say anything. You only have to pretend that this didn't happen. I didn't happen. The last few weeks of us together didn't happen, either. You go on with your life and I will go on with mine. Mananatili ako dito hanggang sa..."
"Hanggang sa ano? Sa mamatay ka?" he grabbed my shoulder and leaned his face closer. "Tangina naman, Naia! Buong buhay mo ibinigay mo sa kanila pero ito pa ang mararanasan mo? Paano ka? Paano ako?"
"Zeus, you need to leave..." I said, sobbing and trying to lose his grip on mine. "Matagal ko nang tanggap ang nangyari sa akin. Before I took off my hijab, I cried and prayed to Allah. Iniisip kong ito talaga ang gusto niyang mangyari para sa akin. Maybe this is really my life. I'm not meant for you and so you are to me."
"Naia, stop talking nonsense—"
"I am toxic to you, Vincenticus. I am poison. I will destroy you and if you don't run right now, you'll be damned because of me. So please... nagmamakaawa na ako sa iyo... please leave."