Clair's P.O.V
The final days of high school.
My head is pounding, that's all I can really gather as I try and get out of bed. The girls will be here to pick me up at any moment, and I'm not ready in the slightest. Last night felt like the last straw, that maybe being so close to the end is a warning, but now as I'm awake all I can seem to think about is when the next high will be.
Today is the triumphant last day of high school classes, and tonight is the prom. My dress hangs perfectly in the corner of my room, pure and white. My grandmother said it had looked beautiful on my skin, that I'd looked like an "angel." It truly made me laugh, how in reality I have been anything but an angel these past seven months.
My brown hair that used to be soft is now brittle, my yellow nails now having to be disguised by a new nail polish every week. Ben hasn't noticed anything on my breath while kissing me, and grandma hasn't noticed how scattered I've become behind closed doors.
I've given up a long time ago, and now I'm just waiting to chase the last high, to see which one it will be. Some nights the dosage is stronger than others, and in the day time, I'm always on a light--but soothing--buzz.
I lost hope when the guidance counselor didn't do anything to Zach or Bruiser after that horrid night. They told me they'd had no proof, no reason to believe that I could've been sober when the guys told the guidance counselor we were all regrettably on something strong that night. I had been completely sober, but no one heard me scream it.
And now--now when it's too late and I've already ruined my life--I'm not sober. It started with light antidepressants, something that could help me get through having to still see Zach and Bruiser in the halls. All they did was smirk at me, a triumphant look of two rapists.
Over the months I've started experiencing with stronger medications, ones that could numb me for days on end. If anyone wants to try and help me now, I'll just ask them why they didn't do it then. They placed the blame on me, didn't even give me a chance to recover from it all. I felt ashamed; they made me feel ashamed and worthless.
I shuffle out of bed, my mouth dry and bitter. My teeth feel brittle as I run my tongue across them, the taste of last night still present on them. I walk over a mess of dirty clothes and school books, the bottom of my feet sensitive as I walk around.
In the bathroom--my bathroom--empty makeup containers filled with pills litter the countertops. Everything is a mess, but it's my mess and I don't think I can ever begin to clean it up.
I get ready fairly quickly, putting product in my hair to disguise roughness and makeup in my face to cover the sunken in circles under my eyes. Any signs of falling apart have to be covered, or else someone may actually try and save me. I don't need saving; I'm not worth it.
I throw on a sundress and some flats, an outfit that I would've happily worn seven months ago. Now it makes me feel self-conscious, nervous of what guys could be saying behind my back. I know that Ben doesn't let them get away with it, but then I'm secretly wondering what he's thinking when he sees me showing some extra skin.
Ben always tells me how beautiful I look, even when I only know I'm at my worst. At first I shied away from his touch, but now I lean onto him, seeing him as my last ring of sanity. He was the sunshine, and I'd always convince myself that I was the rain that'd come and dull him down. Throughout all my doubts, he never pushed me away.
"Clair, the girls are here!" My grandmother yells from the stairs. I put a smile on my face and smooth down my hair one last time. I can't fall apart. I can't looking like I'm dying a little bit inside.
With that, I grab my bookbag off the floor and run down the stairs. I do my normal goodbyes, no breakfast but all of the I love you's. My grandmother smiles at me as I walk out the door, my lies running so deep that everyone in this house is forced into believing them.
"Hey, girlie. Late alarm?" Becca asks as I shuffle into the front seat, an unchanging smile on her face. Becca and Leslie have been the same for months, neither of them ever hearing the gruesome details about my night with Zach.
They asked and pleaded to know what had happened, if I'd done the "dirty deed" as Becca would call it. I'd just told them that it didn't work out, that there was no real spark between Zach and I. Little did they know that talking about that night still sent my whole body on fire, my heart burning into flames.
"Excited for prom tonight?" Leslie asks from the middle of the backseat. Becca shouts in happiness over prom, excited to finally be showing off her dress she'd bought over three months ago. Leslie bought her's only a month ago to make a statement that not all good prom dresses have to be expensive.
The rest of the day pretty much plays out like this: everyone excited about the end of classes and gushing over prom. Becca, Leslie, and I stay attached by the hip all day, the three of us happily partaking in the senior games. For a little while, it almost feels like before. It feels like I had never been hurt at all.
Ben spends most of the day with me too, his arm cozily around my waist as he whispers sweet things into my ear. He makes me smile and blush throughout the day, and he makes me feel cherished and worth it. But still, everytime Zach or Bruiser round the corner, the happiness is stripped right from my face.
The day passes pretty quickly, and before I know it, I'm all dressed and ready for prom. Grandma is crying while I take pretty pictures with Ben in front of the house, the smile on her face so bright. My heart breaks beneath my chest, knowing that I'm lying to her and fooling so many others.
The drive to prom is pretty short, Ben and I just casually talking about what to expect. I'm excited to see Leslie and Becca tonight, all dolled up and perfect for prom. They won't be putting up a front like me tonight. They won't be wearing a mask that resembles the perfect girl I used to be.
Becca and Leslie run up to Ben and I when we arrive at prom, their arms pulling me. We all take photos at the booth, smiling and pretending we're in a perfect moment in a perfect world. All that matters is that they believe it, that they believe I'm sober.
The night gets started off pretty quickly with dancing and chatting. The girls drag me onto the floor, Ben going to meet up with his football friends in the meantime. The music helps me loosen up, gets me ready for the plans I have stashed away in my purse for later.
"I think you guys are definitely going to win prom king and queen tonight!" Becca shouts over the music. Her pink lips move in the light as she continues to talk, and I struggle to hear or process her words.
"We'll see what happens later, ladies!" I plaster a huge smile onto my face, just giving them the same Clair they've always known. We dance for a while longer before I excuse myself from the group, my purse clutched tightly between my fingers.
I hold onto it as if it's detrimental, as if it's the only thing that breathes air into my lungs anymore. The silk of the purse is unimportant, but the items inside of it are going to help me forget that Zach and Bruiser are here and unaware of just how destroyed I am. They're here with girls, girls that are clueless as to what those two are capable of.
In the bathroom, there are other girls standing at the mirror and touching up their faces. Some of the girls smile at me, a few of them actually being acquaintances. This had been the worst part of it all, the fact that I still had to pretend to love the attention. In reality, I just want to be invisible now, left to my own destruction.
I walk past them, getting onto the last stall and turning the lock right behind me. I peer through the crack between the stalls, waiting for the three of them to leave before finally opening up my bag and pulling out exactly what I needed right now.
Tonight has been weighing down on my chest like a weight, like a reminder that I just can't have anything anymore. I never got to say goodbye to myself before he ripped it out from under me; he never gave me the chance.
I pull the familiar needle out of the purse, the substance already filled up into the tube. I put the tie around my upper arm and find my vein, the needle slipping into my skin seamlessly. It leaks into my system slowly, my whole body feeling like air as I take it all in.
I sit back on the toilet seat, my legs feeling unstable and my mind feeling dizzy as I stumble for a breather. Tonight could be the night. I could end it all right here. I stare into the stall door, my eyes dry and mouth watering.
I wonder what everyone out there is doing right now, if they're all still dancing or just now getting ready for the prom court announcements. Leslie gets to announce who wins, and I almost feel bad that I won't be there for it.
I look down at my arm, seeing that the needle is almost empty. Just a bit more and I'll finally be there. I'll finally get to forget what happened to me. I don't think I can bear to back out, not this time at least.
And then--just as I'm dozing off and getting the last of what I need--the shouting of my name wakes me up like cold water over my head in the morning. I recognize the voice immediately, a voice that is safety and survival.
"I'm in here," I croak, barely loud enough for him to hear. Ben is finally going to see what I've become, and he's finally going to run away and hate me. I'm ready to lose him because I've already lost myself. Nothing hurts like that did.
Ben smashes the door in, his eyes immediately going to my shaking body. He doesn't think twice before kneeling down in front of me, his hand gently getting the needle out of my arm and placing it down onto the tile floor.
I don't even remember crying, but as he goes to wipe my tears away I finally begin to notice it. He isn't cowering away and calling me a druggie, but instead he's holding onto me, holding onto me in my loneliest hour.
"I'm going to get help. I promise I'll be right back." Ben says, his voice soft and quiet. When he tries to get up and leave, I just hold onto his arm and pull him back in. I couldn't be alone right now, not while I'm still a mess and he's still my whole entire heart.
"Please don't leave," I cry onto his shoulder. "I can't stay here alone." Ben wraps his arms around me as I sob, my body falling onto the floor with his. He holds me as an ambulance comes to the school, the whole student body prepared to watch me crack and fall.
Ben never lets go of my hand, and Becca and Leslie visit me everyday. They tell me stories and hold onto me. They're too good for me. Grandma and grandpa help me get through it, their support unwavering. Some days I even forget about Zach, but other days I still think about how it could've ended. Ben held onto me in my loneliest hour, while Zach gave me away. I can't blame myself for what happened that night with Zach, but I can blame myself for overseeing the most amazing man right in front of me. He saved me, and I will never be able to tell him how badly I needed it in the darkest hours of my life.