Dear diary,
It's January 1st, 2016. There's no way I can do this. I can't face them any longer. It's not just those girls. I can't do this anymore. Get me out. I don't want to deal with this. I don't want these thoughts swimming through my head. I am good enough for this world! No one should have the right to tell me otherwise. All this is doing is tearing me down. I don't feel like I deserve the life I have. At the same time I know I have a purpose, but it's so hard to remember. I've been so drained lately. I guess my acting skills are great though. Nobody sees me cry. No one sees my heart screaming in agony. It's just emotions. It'll pass. My only question is, when?
Sincerely,
Willow Delfine
Here we go again. The tears just seem to spill out subconsciously at this point. The sheriff came in today after school . He said that the police suspect my sister ran off and committed suicide. I don't know what made them get these suspicions, but our Willow never entertained the thought of leaving this world. Although this diary entry says otherwise. Mom and Dad have had enough. At this point I'm pretty sure they're already planning Willow's funeral. Then again I don't know. Reading this page filled with so much sadness and hatred, it just doesn't seem like Willow at all. I'm beginning to question everything. Was her smile fake? Did she truly laugh at the dinner table? Was she ever really happy? If only she were here to tell me.
She wanted to get on the bus. That darn sentence had been running through my head for three days. It's December, and Willow loved December. I wonder if she's out there, alive and well. Wishing she could come home for Christmas and laugh with us all over again. She had always said she wanted a leather journal to write her most exotic stories in. If she were to come home, she could write about her own life story. It would be amazing. Her story would be filled with such relatable emotions. It would shine a light down to all those who suffered through similar situations. Yet here I was, alone. The girl smiling in our family pictures was undoubtedly gone.
Just then, as I was wiping away the last of my tears, my phone rang. I jumped when I realized it was probably Hailey. I fumbled around my desk for my phone before picking it up and answering with lightning speed. "Hello?" I asked. My voice trembled. Crap, now she'll know I was crying. "Aspen, I got some information, but I don't think you're gonna like it very much." Her voice was quiet, and I could hear tiny stuttering breaths from the other end. Hailey had been crying too. "It turns out Willow was being teased and messed with by Lilah and her friends. Only when none of us were around though. One time in gym Lilah even shoved Willow and she fell, scraping her knees and hands." Aspen could recall Willow being a bit more quiet that day. She had her sleeves pulled all the way down, covering her palms.
"Lilah tormented her because Willow roasted her so badly in front of her friends. Lilah has a few freshman friends who are guys, and she had threatened to bring them after school one day to teach Willow a lesson." I couldn't believe what I was hearing. My sister hid this from me? From our parents? "The freshman met up with Lilah and her friends, waiting for Willow by the buses. When Willow never showed up, they assumed she had hopped onto the bus and gone home." How did no one notice this? It wasn't normal for freshman to be waltzing around with some eighth graders by the buses after school. How did I not notice? Maybe if I had, I could've stopped Willow.
Everything was spiraling out of control. Willow had been stressed and bullied. No wonder she wanted to run away. But she still wanted to get onto the bus. To me, that was a sign. It was a sign saying Willow wanted to live. She wanted to live but didn't know how she could. It was still difficult for me to process. I couldn't tell anymore what her intentions were. Did she want to live? Did she want to die? Why couldn't I find the answers? Questions swam through my brain so quickly it was difficult for me to even respond to Hailey. "Aspen? Just saying I left the lasagna at your house. My mom said y'all could keep it." I took in a deep breath. "Yeah, tell her I said thanks."
I didn't have all the answers I needed, but at least now I knew why she left. I ended the phone call. Everything in my body seemed to ache. I wanted to curl up and bury my face in my knees. Willow was the one who would always comfort me when I cried. "Get up squirt or else it'll get worse." Her words of encouragement were always unique. I wonder if she knew that this day would come. The day her catch phrases, jokes, and voice would resonate in my brain because she wouldn't be around to say anything. It was strange to me. It was like I was being haunted by my sister but she had no ghost. The very fact that she existed at all was haunting me. It drove me insane. I didn't know what to do with myself. Everything was quiet and empty inside of me. My feelings and thoughts were hollow. I suppose I had been this way for awhile. Just as I was about to chuck Willow's diary, I turned and I swear she was standing there. She was tall, pale, and had such long light brown hair that she refused to cut. She had bright green eyes and a striking smile. Her face was dusted with freckles. "Showered in angel kisses because I'm that adorable." That's what she would always say.
"I can't keep searching, not like this. Are you even alive?" Willow, or at least my faint perception of her, reached towards me while smiling. I looked again. She was still smiling, but tears rolled down her face. She was so happy she could cry? Or was she wearing a mask? She was gone as soon as I saw her. Was she reaching out to me? If she was then I couldn't afford to throw away the only thing that could find her. I picked up her diary slowly. "Don't give up on your family Willow. You never broke. You just..." I struggled to finish my sentence as more tears came about. "You're just bent is all."