{ trigger warning: self harm, lots of self-hate }
don't hate ash for this, okay?
there's a reason (but i'm not sayin it's a good one)
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As soon as they entered Calum's apartment, Ashton seemed furious. Calum noticed this anger, and backed away slowly towards the kitchen counter.
It wasn't that he was afraid of Ashton, he simply wanted to give the older lad space. Calum rarely saw Ashton angry, but knew that it wasn't a good sight.
Ashton noiselessly closed the door, and made no other movements for a few moments.
"Ashton?" Calum quietly said, confused by the older lads actions.
"Calum." Ashton whispered. "Do you understand why I'm upset?"
"No." Calum tiredly replied. "I don't."
Anger flashed through Ashton's eyes again, brighter than flame. "The coffee shop earlier. You remember that, don't you?"
"Obviously." Calum rolled his eyes slightly. "It was less than twenty minutes ago."
"So you remember the guy who made our drinks, right?"
"Yeah. He was sweet."
"He gave you his phone number, Calum." Ashton's voice had started to raise, and Calum didn't like it.
"I was there." Calum sassily remarked.
Ashton clenched his jaw. "Calum."
The younger lad sighed. "He gave me his phone number. So what?"
Ashton slammed a large fist against the door. "You're mine!" He yelled, making Calum flinch. "Mine."
Calum was trying to ignore how quickly Ashton's anger had grown. "It's flattering to be given a phone number. If he gave it to you, I wouldn't act like this. And you'd be happy too."
"You were smiling at him." Ashton growled. "And you seemed to be flirting back."
"I didn't want to hurt his feelings, Ash. Plus, he was kinda cute."
Ashton growled again. "You think he's cute?"
"Yeah!" Calum replied, exasperated. "So fucking what? It's not a crime to look!"
"You belong to me!" Ashton yelled, taking a step forward.
Calum backed away further. "I don't belong to anyone!" He shouted back. "You don't fucking own me, Ashton!"
"You're mine." Ashton repeated. "And if you think that it doesn't hurt seeing you acting flirty with him, you're wrong."
"I wasn't acting flirty!" Calum assured him. "I accepted the number, smiled, and walked away. But I could not have been less interested!"
"Then why the fuck did you call him cute?"
Calum clenched his jaw. "Because he's cute! Ashton, he's a fucking kid!"
"I don't care!" Ashton shouted. "You belong to me."
"I don't belong to you!" Calum shouted back, voice wavering slightly. "Stop being a fucking asshole! If he gave it to you, you'd be smiling!"
"No!"
"And you'd have accepted it, too!"
Ashton exhaled sharply. "No. I wouldn't have. Yeah, I would've been flattered, but you're all that I need."
Calum knew that Ashton didn't want to fight—neither did he—but now he was angry, and Ashton was being a hypocrite.
"Our first date." Calum suddenly announced. "The waitress flirted with you all night, and you were smiling, just like I was today. I have no problem with that, but I know that she gave you her number."
"She d-didn't." Ashton stuttered, confused at how Calum seemed to know that.
"Yes she did!" Calum exclaimed, now using his hands for punctuation. "And you accepted it! Why? Because it would've been rude not to!"
"I didn't accept it!" Ashton breathlessly denied.
"You brought the fucking thing home!"
"And threw it out!"
"You still brought it home, like you had some intention of using it."
"So? Calum, she's a girl. I'm fucking gay!"
"And I'm taken!" Calum returned. "By you, asshole! But I'm allowed to look at cute boys and smile!"
Ashton bunched his fists tightly, saying nothing. He'd been wrong, and he felt bad for yelling at Calum.
"Just—" Calum sighed. "Stay away from me for a bit."
He walked to his bedroom, avoiding the side of the house where Ashton stood, and shut the door. Ashton watched him walk away, his normally soft features struck with pain.
In his room, Calum grabbed a pack of cigarettes and a lighter, then stepped out onto the balcony. He tried not to smoke when Ashton was around, because, according to Ashton, his lips tasted better when he didn't smoke.
But he hated fighting with his love, so as he tried not to have a panic attack, he lit a smoke and brought it to his lips.
He knew that he shouldn't have yelled, because Ashton did nothing wrong. But Calum did nothing wrong either, and he hated being wrongfully accused of something that wasn't bad or against any rules.
Ashton knew better than to disobey Calum. He asked to be left alone, so Ashton would have to leave him alone. Ashton had no problem giving Calum his space; after all, he had started a fight with jealousy being the only—more or less—logical reason.
But Ashton didn't want to be left alone. He felt awful for yelling at Calum, especially when he only did exactly what Ashton had done.
Ashton sunk down to the floor, clutching his head in his hands. His knees tucked tightly into his chest, he closed his eyes and fought away tears. He hadn't been this emotional in so long—not since Nick—but Calum was angry with him, not wanting to be around him, and it killed Ashton inside.
He'd pushed his sadness away for this trip, because being with Calum made him so happy, but now, it was as though the feelings had been there all along. He knew they had been.
Reluctantly, he released his fiery curls and held his arms out in front of himself. He examined them carefully, trying to spot the faded scars.
"You're an asshole." He whispered to himself, then dragged his nails down his forearms. He might not have been able to cut, but there were other ways to hurt himself.
He watched red lines rise where he had ran his nails, then copied the action until his entire arm was red. Barely any blood had risen, only a few spots here and there, so he tried to bring more to the surface by dragging his nails over only the spots of blood.
After what seemed like forever—but was really only half an hour—Calum emerged from the bedroom, nervously wringing his hands together.
He kept his eyes downcast, not knowing if Ashton had calmed down.
"Ash, I'm sorry for yelling. I know you get jealous—" He stopped speaking as he lifted his eyes to see Ashton on the floor, blood covering his arms.
"Fuck." Calum cursed, then was immediately by Ashton's side. "Why did you hurt yourself?"
"I hurt you, Calum. I shouldn't have yelled at you, because you did nothing wrong. I hurt you, so I deserved to hurt."
"No." Calum whispered. "That's not how it works, my love. You didn't hurt me. You hurt yourself."
Ashton shook his head. Calum quickly pulled Ashton into his body, engulfing the older lad in a warm hug. Ashton tucked his face under Calum's jaw, allowing his boyfriend to coddle him like the child he had been acting similar to lately.
"I know you get jealous, Ash. I'm so sorry." Calum kept one hand secure around Ashton's waist, while the other absentmindedly began to comb through his hair. "I hate fighting with you, can we please never do that again?"
"Yeah." Ashton whispered, his voice cracking.
For the second time during that trip, Ashton was in need of reassurance and safety, so Calum gave it to him.
Quickly, Ashton pulled away, mumbling his own apologies. Calum smiled sadly and pressed their lips together in a soft, sweet kiss.
"I love you." Calum mumbled against Ashton's lips. "So much."
Ashton smiled weakly into the kiss, "I love you more."
Calum disconnected their mouths, still running a hand through Ashton's curls.
"You had a smoke." Ashton whispered.
"Or...three." Calum shyly replied. "Sorry."
"Stop apologizing, angel." Ashton murmured, unable to pry his eyes from the beautiful face of his beloved. "But I was right.."
Calum sighed. "I know. My lips taste gross when I smoke."
"No. I was right when I said that I don't deserve you."
Calum shook his head. "You deserve better, my love. I'm not supposed to make you feel like this-" Calum looked down at the arm of Ashton's that he could see. "I'm supposed to make you happy, and I can't even do that."
"You make me so happy, baby. But sometimes to stay alive you've gotta kill your mind."
A stray tear slipped from each of Ashton's piercing hazel eyes. Calum kissed both of them away.
"You're never gonna leave me, right?" Ashton quietly asked, letting Calum lean him against the door. Calum still held Ashton in his arms, and he too leaned his back on the wooden creation.
"Never, my love." Calum replied. "I'll always be here."
He grabbed Ashton's hand and held theirs together, matching up their tattoo. Calum smiled at the sight.
Ashton intertwined their long legs, burying his face in Calum's neck as he left kisses so soft they almost could not be felt.
Calum kissed the top of Ashton's head, once again whispering, "I'll always be right here."
Even then, Calum knew it was a lie. And deep down, so did Ashton.
-
oops don't hate me
did ya catch the song reference?
probably, it was pretty obvious. even included in the dialogue.
this was n o t the bad thing that's gonna happen btw
drink lots of water and get some sleep and eat healthy foods
or just eat any food, i want y'all to stay alive
i care about you and my pm is always open
lub you
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