I was uneasy as I looked at my therapist; Dr. Jade was listening intently as I expressed how I had been feeling about all of the events that had transpired. She'd set aside the book that she usually wrote her notes in and leaned forward in her seat, eyebrows knitting together the more I spoke.
"I don't want to lose him, but I won't lie to him to keep him." I finished with a sigh. It had been a week since the situation, as I'd referred to it, happened. Things were still tense between Mahdi and I; no matter how good a moment seemed; I could tell that he wasn't fully there with me.
Dr. Jade released a short sigh of her own. "I'm concerned. The reason that I don't advocate for beginning relationships at the same time as therapy is that the two things can negatively interact with each other. I'm not attempting to dissuade you in any way; but you must always remember that the emotional trauma that you've experienced cannot be undone in only a matter of months."
I sagged in defeat, "I know that, and I think he knows too; I can't help but feel like I'm disappointing him though."
"That's not the way to think Arinze; it'll only push you towards things that you're not ready for. Right now, you're trying to install windows in a house with no walls; we can't skip steps." Dr. Jade explained. "Here, I want you to take this sheet of paper." She handed me a page from her notebook along with a pen.
I looked at the two items confused, "What do you want me to do with these?"
"I was getting to that." She laughed lightheartedly. "Over the course of our holiday break, I want you to jot down every positive change that has occurred in you since beginning therapy. Take your time and leave nothing out."
My head bobbed up and down obediently, "And then I'll see how far I have left to go?"
"No, you'll see how much you've managed to accomplish in only a few months. I want you to see that you don't have to rush, it'll get easier with every passing day." Dr. Jade smiled kindly at me. "Our time is up, but I'd like you to consider a family session with your parents; having me present may make it easier for you to tell them what's been keeping your emotions closed off for so long. I know that it's a lot to think about, so take the holiday period to think it over and we'll talk about it in our first session back."
The smile on my face faltered, I'd been spending more time with my family, but I wasn't sure if I had it in me to talk about the death of my cousins again. Especially not with the way that I'd been feeling about everything else in my life.
"I'll consider it Doc, see you in two weeks!" I waved goodbye to her.
Dr. Jade shook her head in admonishment but let me go. I folded the sheet of paper and put it in my bag as I walked out to wait for my ride. I wasn't sure if it was a good sign or not, but Mahdi had offered to pick me up because it was his day off. After clearing it with my brothers, I agreed to let him do it. Because of the minor change in schedule, I was on edge; I wasn't used to anyone but my brothers seeing me right after a session. I usually didn't have much room for conversation after spending an hour with Dr. Jade; it was no one's fault but my own that I couldn't reassemble my thoughts in a timely manner.
Mahdi picked me up promptly and I got into the car with a small smile of appreciation.
"Hi Ari!" Cairo squeaked from the backseat.
I leaned into the backseat and kissed her on the cheek, "Hey Cai! I didn't know that you were picking me up today!" I grinned at the little girl.
"I asked daddy if I could come, are we playing today?" She asked me.
My eyes went to her father for a second, then back at her. "No can do Princesa. Your daddy is taking me straight to work this time."
I'd been called into work, even though it was supposed to be my day off; and with the way things had been going at the hospital, I knew that it wouldn't be wise to unload my shift onto someone else. My heart lurched as I looked from father to daughter, taking unexpected shifts never made me feel like I was missing out until Mahdi and Cairo.
"Aww, can I come?" Cairo pouted.
I shook my head with a short chuckle, "No Princesa, but I'm sure that we can find some time to hang out. What do you think Mahdi?"
"You wanna come over tomorrow? We're making gingerbread houses." Mahdi spoke for the first time.
I looked from Cairo to Mahdi and nodded, "Sounds perfect."
For the rest of the ride, Cairo caught us up on everything Paw Patrol while Mahdi and I hung onto her every word. When we arrived at the Emergency Room entrance, I turned to Mahdi and thanked him for the ride before blowing both he and Cairo kisses; which had become the way that we showed affection around his daughter. I hopped out of the car and leaned my head through the backseat window.
"I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" I asked her.
She nodded excitedly, "Okay Ari!"
I watched as Mahdi pulled off, then headed inside. My mood deteriorated as soon as I stepped into the ER; the number of nurses on shift continued to lessen with each passing week. Nurse Tyler watched me approach with a sullen look on her face.
"Walk with me Santos." She said.
I had a sinking feeling, but only nodded and fell into step with her. "What's wrong?"
"Everything child, but for right now I need you to be my second. We've got a bunch of first year nurses and nursing students walking around and I need someone else to monitor their work." Nurse Tyler explained.
As if finally noticing, I asked her, "Where is Sierra?"
"They axed her and had the nerve to do it after she worked a double. You're the last of my kids left Santos, I'm not letting them axe you too." She sighed.
I stopped in my tracks. "No, no! She's got a kid, I'll quit! Sierra needs this job."
"Then both of you would be out of a job, I've got contacts in other hospitals child, we'll get her sorted. Now get changed!" Nurse Tyler patted my shoulder and ushered me into an elevator.
I nodded as if in a daze as I stepped into the elevator, "I'll be down in a minute!"
Nurse Tyler gave me a curt nod as the doors closed. I was on edge for a number of reasons; though at the top of the list was the added responsibility that my boss had just given me. A close second was the thought that a nurse as amazing as Sierra could be let go. If they could fire her, then no one was safe. I quickly put my things away and got dressed, then returned to the Emergency Room where it had become very hectic.
"Merry Christmas." I groaned quietly; the holiday season was a busy one for the hospital and with under a week until Christmas, more and more patients were coming into the ER.
I met Nurse Tyler at the Nurses' Station where she was debriefing a few new faces. "Good Santos, you're here." She addressed me. "For the remainder of the shift, Nurse Santos will be checking in on your work and making sure that you're keeping up the standard of care expected at this hospital. I'm giving her full authority to send you home if you screw up."
I nodded and kept my expression passive as the nurses took turns shaking my hand.
"We're packed this evening, that means that we have to be hyper-vigilant; record everything in patient charts, no matter how small, because on days like these, there are too many cooks in the proverbial kitchen." I instructed them, "And if you get overwhelmed, say something; this isn't school anymore and real-life people are depending on you."
Nurse Tyler nodded in approval and set tasks for everyone. The ER was a mess and almost at capacity, my job was to help the doctors to assess patients so that we could either discharge or admit them. While staying on top of my own job, I intermittently helped the newcomers with theirs and felt a new kind of rush in the more authoritative position. The shift went on like that; hours of the organized chaos which I loved so much.
After work, Nurse Tyler pulled me aside once again. "You did good Santos. Do you think that you could run this unit?"
"What do you mean? Are you going somewhere?" I became concerned as she walked me towards the locker room.
She chuckled. "Nowhere but up; I've been tapped to become the next Director of Nursing."
"Wow! Congratulations! And to answer your question with a question; is this a decision that I need to make right now?" I asked her.
Nurse Tyler shook her head. "You never make anything easy girl, but no; I'll give you a week to contemplate while I field a few other potential candidates."
"Thank you, Nurse Tyler." I shook her hand, then watched as she retreated.
Though a part of me was thrilled at the thought of moving up the food chain at the hospital, I couldn't help but feel like I didn't deserve it. Sierra on the other hand would've excelled as Charge Nurse; she got along with all of the nurses in our unit and she was a born leader. I sighed softly as I grabbed my bag, grateful that I had some time to think about it.
I left the hospital and took a taxi home, too exhausted to deal with public transportation. It was five in the morning and I'd only slept for four hours the previous night. Everyone that I would've talked to about the possible promotion was still asleep and I didn't think it was necessary to wake anyone up to talk about myself. Instead, I took a long shower and settled into bed. Before I could fall asleep, I pulled the sheet of paper that Dr. Jade had given me out of my bag and wrote a few things down.
POSITIVE CHANGES
- I'm not afraid to cry
- I've let my brothers in again
- Committed relationships don't scare me
- I've become a better friend
Unable to think of anything else, I set the piece of paper down and allowed myself to sleep. I didn't wake up until two in the afternoon, my body felt weightless as I climbed out of bed, happy to have gotten more rest than usual. I checked my phone and replied to the messages that I'd missed, then called Mahdi to make sure that our plans hadn't changed.
He answered on the second ring. "Santos, I was wondering when you would call."
"Hey, I just woke up and I'm gonna come over as soon as I can." I replied. "Do you want me to bring anything?"
I could hear Cairo in the background and the smile in Mahdi's voice as he spoke. "Just yourself Rinze, how was work?"
"I'll tell you about it when I get there, your advice would be appreciated." I sighed.
"Did something happen?" Mahdi's concerned tone took over.
I shook my head, though he couldn't see me. "Nothing bad, I'll explain later. See you in an hour papí."
"See you later." Mahdi chuckled, then hung up.
I got ready in record time, then sent Lani a text so that she would know that I was out. Between spending evenings at Mahdi's place and the demands of my job, I felt like Leilani and I hadn't been able to properly sit down with each other in a while. I made a mental note to do something nice for her before she went back to her parents' house for Christmas.
When I arrived at Mahdi's house, he opened the door with icing on his cheek and Cairo clutching one of his legs. I wiped the icing off with my thumb and stuck it into my mouth. His eyes darkened a fraction, before shifting to Cairo.
"Hello Taylor clan, I see that you two are having fun." I teased as he let me in.
Cairo giggled, "We're making treats Ari!"
"I'm making treats, Ro is hopped up on sugar." He chuckled as we walked to the kitchen; he was struggling a bit due to the child attached to one of his legs.
I suddenly stopped in place and gasped. "Cai! You didn't even give me a welcome hug!" I gasped for dramatic effect. She immediately disengaged from her dad's leg and leapt into my arms.
"Better?" She asked, rubbing her sticky cheek against my chest.
I chuckled as I held her tightly, "Much better, you give the best hugs Princesa."
Mahdi whispered a thank you and directed me towards the kitchen where he had begun to decorate two gingerbread houses.
"There are cupcakes in the oven too; it's been a busy day." He sighed.
I nodded as I continued to hold Cairo. "Very impressive Mr. Taylor. I don't think you need my help at all."
"Does that mean that we can play?" Cairo asked.
Mahdi shook his head while laughing. "Didn't you want to watch a movie?"
"A movie sounds nice, have you ever seen Home Alone?" I asked her.
She shook her head, then looked to her father. "Can we watch it daddy?"
"Sure, let's clean up the kitchen and then we'll watch it." He suggested.
Cairo nodded in agreement and I put her down. For the next fifteen minutes, we cleaned up the mess that was made in the kitchen, then Mahdi carefully wiped all of the sugary residue from Cairo's face. After that, I took the cupcakes out of the oven to cool and grabbed a few snacks to take with us into the living room. Halfway through the movie, I noticed that Cairo's questions had stopped; she'd fallen asleep in Mahdi's lap and the sight made my heart skip a beat. I reached for the remote and paused the movie so that he and I could talk.
"Hey, you." I nudged his shoulder.
Mahdi shot me a boyish grin, "Hey yourself. I really love seeing you in my house."
"I love being in your house." I responded. The first time that I'd been there had been born out of desperation; I needed him to see how committed I was to him by inserting myself into his real life. Not the version of his life that he shared with me when we were together, but the life that he lived every day; that involved him and Cairo.
There it was again; I could see the look in his eyes as he refused to fully immerse himself into the moment. "Tell me what happened at work." He changed the subject while absentmindedly rubbing his daughter's back.
"I got offered a promotion, but I don't know if I deserve it." I sighed while leaning my head against his shoulder.
Mahdi hummed in understanding. "Since the day I met you, the only thing that you've been one hundred percent sure of is your job. Also, with the way that nurses at your hospital have become expendable, it may be a smart move to become more valuable."
"Objectively, I know that." I peeked at him out of the corner of my eye. "I know that I could be good at that job, great even. But that could be said for a lot of other people in my unit and they might deserve it more."
He kissed the top of my head and sighed, "You don't value yourself enough Rinze; if you were approached for the promotion, it means that someone thinks that you deserve it. Promotions don't just fall into people's laps; they're earned. You've earned everything that you have."
When he said things like that, it made me clam up, it made my stomach do backflips that somehow landed into knots, it made me wish that I was ready to say those three words to him.
"Thank you for saying that." I replied, "Nurse Tyler said that I have a week to think it over."
I felt him rest his cheek on top of my head. "Then take the week, but don't give up this opportunity because you don't think you're deserving of it. Focus on the positives."
"That's the second time that I've heard that sentiment in as many days." I chuckled. "Focus on the positives." I repeated.
Mahdi laughed, "Well maybe that means that you should do it. I'll support whatever decision you make."
"Thank you." I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.
I wasn't sure how long we stayed like that, leaning on each other while Cairo slept off her sugar high, but it felt nice to be wrapped in such a comfortable silence with them. Not only could I get used to evenings like that one, but I could grow to crave them.
"We need to talk about something else." He broke the silence. "Let me go put her in bed first."
I nodded and tried to get comfortable on the couch while I waited for him to return. I was scared, though I had an idea about what it was that he wanted to talk about. In all honesty, I wanted to talk about it too. Mahdi returned and pulled me out of my seat, only to hold me tightly and plant a kiss onto my lips.
"Mmm, missed those." I sighed into his touch. "Is that what we needed to talk about?" I tried to keep the mood light.
Mahdi pinned me in one of his no-nonsense stares. "No, we need to talk about us." He let me go and allowed me to get comfortable on the couch once again, while he sat next to me.
"You mean the way that you've been pulling away from me?" I responded while fiddling with a loose thread on the couch.
He stilled my hand with one of his and sighed. "I knew that you noticed. I'm sorry about that." Mahdi held both of my hands in one of his. "I'm not doing it on purpose; there's a new voice in the back of my mind that always tells me that I'm going too far, that I'll push you to your breaking point. So, I stop myself."
"I get it and it makes a lot of sense, considering what just happened. I just wish that there was a way to do that without me feeling like I'm losing bits of you along the way." I shocked myself with the magnitude of vulnerability in my words.
Mahdi smiled sadly, "You're not losing me. Not even close; I'm trying to be mindful of where you are in life so that I don't lose you."
"Well I guess we're in the same boat then." I chuckled. "Doing whatever we have to in order to stay together."
Mahdi pulled me against his chest. "We're going to be fine; all we can do is show up for each other in whatever way we can."
"I think we can manage that." I joked.
He laughed and planted a kiss on my forehead. "We can more that manage it, Rinze."
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Comment of the day goes to.....
Apologies for not updating yesterday, it was a hard one for me. I know that brother is in the highest paradise and that brings me some sort of peace.